Dark Heart

by Eve L Mitchell

  I turned back to her. “I have it covered mom.” She went to speak. “Trust me.” I grabbed her hand and kissed it.

  “Always.” She squeezed my hand. “We can never go back?” I nodded to confirm her understanding. She sighed. “I always hoped, one day. I wanted Alicia to go to CU. I don’t even know why…but I did.” She wiped her eyes.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why? It isn’t your fault. It was never your fault.” Mom leaned forward and kissed my head. “I miss you so much. Alicia misses you too.” Mom sighed heavily again. “Ok enough, let’s see what this house has and what I need.” She grinned at me. “You have all those muscles, let’s put them to work.”

  I was laughing with her when Alicia came back into the house. She dropped everything she was carrying and slipped under my arm. I hugged her to me as mom directed Paul to make a list. We both hung back as she made her way through the house and started dictating orders.

  “How long before she knows we aren’t behind her?” Alicia whispered.

  “She knew the minute she turned the chair,” I whispered back as I tickled her. “You got food in that truck? I’m starving.”

  Tuesday passed so quickly. Alicia and I didn’t get much of a reprieve, we were soon put to work. By Tuesday afternoon everything mom didn’t want in the house was in the front yard. There went my deposit, I thought ruefully as I tossed out the last mattress. Alicia and I were sent to get new mattresses and bedding, with firm instructions not to be fussy just now and to buy what we could get today and without taking any detours. We decided a drive-thru for food didn’t count. Evidently it did – we got a lecture when we got back. My sister was eighteen but still eats KFC like an eight-year-old. She had ketchup on her sweater, her sleeves and her face when we got back. I was sent back out for another bucket after I unloaded the three new mattresses and all the bedding.

  By Tuesday evening, we were at Walmart as mom deliberated over her cooking utensils and pots. I had entertained them with the story of Clara’s chicken and gravy. I had winked at Paul behind mom’s back telling them it was the best I had tasted in forever. The silent challenge had been accepted – I was instructed to find a store for kitchen stuff and then a grocery store.

  Later that evening we were all in various states of exhaustion, sprawled over the living room furniture.

  “I might just sleep here,” Alicia muttered. I nodded in agreement, my eyes half closed.

  “Your room is literally just there,” Mom protested.

  “Is she pointing? I feel like she’s pointing,” Alicia asked me.

  “Dunno, it’s easy for her, she can just roll there,” I muttered back. The cushion to my face made me jerk my eyes open and sit up. Mom was laughing as she threatened to throw another one.

  “That’s child abuse,” I protested.

  “You’re twenty-four,” Mom deadpanned.

  I held up my hand and ticked off my points. “I’m still your child, you just abused me. Conclusion, child abuse.”

  Alicia cracked up and soon we were all laughing again. I stood and scooped my sister off the couch. She screamed as I carried her to her room. Mom called back that she was on her own as I threw Alicia onto her newly made bed.

  “Bedtime squirt.” I laughed as she pulled me down beside her. She squirmed until she was under my arm and I lay on my back. We lay quietly for a while just enjoying being together again.

  “I miss you.” The laughter was gone, her voice was low. I kissed the mop of dark hair on her head. “I miss you every day.”

  “I miss you too.” I sighed.

  “I didn’t mean to fuck up so badly Aaron.”

  I pulled her into me more.

  “I wasn’t thinking,” she continued. “I wanted to tell you that night before we went out. I was scared but you were busy, and I didn’t want to bug you.” She turned her head away from me. “All of this because I thought I was an inconvenience.”

  “You’re never an inconvenience, you’re my squirt.”

  “I bet I am now. All this is because of me. What I did.” She wiped her eyes. I sat up and looked at her.

  “Is this pity party going to take long? I’m only here until tomorrow night.” I nudged her, she scowled at me.

  “So, are we to ask where Jay is?” She wiggled until she was sitting up too.

  “Nope.”

  “Are we to mention him at all?” Alicia poked me in the ribs.

  “Not if you want a reply,” I answered her.

  “Shit. That bad?” She sighed heavily. “Well, you were always my favourite anyway.” I barked out a laugh as she giggled beside me.

  “Bed, for both of you,” Mom said from the doorway. Alicia mumbled and I shared an amused look with my mom as I climbed off the bed. “I made up the couch, you sure you don’t want my bed? It’s not like I can get a leg cramp.”

  “No, but you can get really grumpy when you are uncomfortable and don’t sleep well and none of us deserve it. Just make sure I have coffee waiting for me in the morning.” I leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Because none of you deserve me without caffeine,” I joked.

  I made my way back to the living room. My uncle was setting my overnight bag down which he must have gone and got from the truck. “Thanks.”

  “No problem.” He nodded and moved past me.

  “I’m sorry you had to leave your lady behind,” I said quietly.

  Paul turned to me and shrugged. “My family is here.” I nodded in understanding as he said goodnight and carried on up the hall to his room.

  I eyed the couch with distaste. I wasn’t looking forward to this sleep at all. I needed a smoke before I was sleeping on that thing.

  I woke up early to find myself bent like a pretzel. I moved cautiously. My back groaned in protest. This had been the worst couch I had ever slept on. Fighting back a groan, I half rolled off the couch and got to my feet. I felt like kicking the damn thing. I pulled on a t-shirt. Coffee, I needed coffee… and food to make this better.

  Once the coffee pot was started, I went to the fridge and started pulling breakfast items out. Lela’s sandwiches of the last few days and fast food wasn’t cutting it, I needed real food. I needed bacon, eggs, hash browns, pancakes…at this moment in time I might even eat fruit. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I started setting up the kitchen, but my mom had always been an early bird. She joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later.

  “You want me to help you?” she asked me quietly as she came in. I bent down and kissed her cheek as I muttered a good morning. “You need coffee first?” she asked. Her tone was amused as I eyed the pot – waiting patiently for it to fill.

  “I need coffee,” I admitted. I looked at the food spread out on the counter and eyed the height difference between mom and the counter. The house had said it was suitable for those with disabilities, but the height difference between mom’s wheelchair and the counter was still a little high.

  “I didn’t notice yesterday when we came in, you still need to stretch a little,” I muttered as I got two mugs from the cupboard.

  Mom shrugged. “It’s a rental house, unless it’s built specifically for a wheelchair, it’s never going to be perfect. I adapt.” She smiled at me as she tucked her sleep-mussed hair behind her ear. “Paul sometimes puts an extra cushion under me to give me more height in the chair for the kitchen. It isn’t the best and it’s a bit demeaning, like a booster seat for a kid,” she shrugged, “but I get to cook, so it does the job.”

  “We can get these counter tops taken off and replaced if you want mom,” I offered. “I can’t do it just now, but when I come back next time, Paul and I can have this ripped out and replaced in a couple of days easy. You chucked my deposit out on the lawn yesterday anyway.” I grinned as I caught her eye and she smiled back at me.

  “We’ll see how we settle; we can think more long term once we see how we like it here.” She squeezed my arm as she got the milk from the fridge. I was pouring the coffee as she handed me the milk for hers. I
took a gulp – that first drink in the morning sang to my soul.

  “What you making first?” Mom asked me. I pretended to ignore her amusement as she watched me set things up.

  “Pancake batter. Then whisk eggs.” I was loading the new toaster with bread as I spoke.

  “What about the hash browns?”

  “Mom, would you like to make breakfast?” I asked as I turned from my task. She hid behind her mug as she shook her head. I regarded her silently for a few more moments and then turned back to the stove.

  “If you set the oven on…”

  “Enough!” I laughed as I stepped away from the counter. “You – over there beside the oven – where you belong woman. Tell me what you need me to do or reach for you ok?”

  “I wasn’t really taking over,” she protested as she made her way past me.

  “Keep lying to yourself, at least we all know where I get my control issues from.” I smiled at her as I refilled my coffee mug.

  We worked together quietly, mom asking me to mostly reach or lift things for her. The actual cooking, baking or heating of food, she did with military precision. When everything was almost ready mom asked me to go wake Alicia, she groaned when she saw my evil grin as I dashed out of the kitchen. I loved this freedom I felt when I was with my family and my guard was fully down.

  It had been a long time since I had the opportunity to drag my little sister out of bed, it was with great delight that I grabbed Alicia’s ankles pulling her down the bed as she screamed in protest.

  “Mom!” she bellowed as she laughed.

  “Alicia! Stop yelling, Uncle Paul is still asleep,” mom scolded from the kitchen.

  “Uncle Paul is now awake,” came the dry reply from the hallway.

  “Sorry!” Alicia and I chorused at the same time.

  “Breakfast is ready, get your lazy ass up.” I tickled her feet as she screeched. Then, laughing, I headed back to the kitchen.

  “Zombie is on her way,” I informed mom with a chuckle as I carried the food to the table.

  “Smells fantastic mom,” Alicia mumbled as she staggered into the kitchen. She dropped a kiss on mom’s cheek as she passed her and then one for me. She swiped my mug and drank my coffee. I grabbed it back from her and lightly punched her arm.

  “Brat.” It was reflexive and deflective at the same time.

  “Alicia, leave your brother alone,” mom scolded her softly. “Let him eat first before you give him a headache.”

  Alicia grumbled under her breath, I threw her a wink and she beamed at me. I placed a mug of coffee in front of her as I carried the plate of toast over to the table. Uncle Paul joined us, and we sat down to a family breakfast and all of us dug in wholeheartedly.

  “How long before Maria has the baby?” Alicia asked around a mouthful of eggs.

  “She’s just over seven months now,” I answered as I helped myself to more bacon.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt!” Alicia exclaimed happily. I laughed as Uncle Paul teased her that she wasn’t actually related to Shadow. She wasn’t to be deterred. “I can be the baby’s aunt can’t I Aaron? It’s not like you’re ever having kids. The only thing you have an actual relationship with is coffee!”

  I laughed out loud at her cheekiness. Breakfast continued in much of the same vein, idle chit chatter and general catch up.

  “What’s the list for today?” I asked as I finally put down my fork. I drank more coffee as I was given my chores for the day.

  As mid-afternoon rolled around, mom and I were in the house alone. Paul had gone to find a job and had dragged Alicia with him to check out the college. He didn’t need to find a job today, he was giving mom and I some space. I appreciated it and I would let him know that later.

  The house had been professionally cleaned before being rented but apparently that didn’t actually mean clean to my mom, because we were recleaning. Seemingly a professional clean meant a ‘surface clean’ to my mom. I didn’t even know what that meant – I was just doing as I was told.

  “You want a coffee break?” mom called to me from the kitchen. I rose from the bathroom floor. My back was seriously never going to be the same again.

  “Yes. Always yes to coffee.” When I went through, she had made lunch and was working away at the kitchen counter, she was straining slightly so it was no surprise that she had made a simple lunch. “I didn’t know we got all this food yesterday,” I admitted as I ate a cherry tomato.

  “We brought food with us.” Mom smiled at me as she came over to the table. “This ok for you?” I looked at the pulled pork wraps and salad and nodded.

  “Definitely. Thanks. You should have called me to help you.” I sat down and we ate in comfortable silence.

  “Ok, so fill me in. Tell me how my youngest son managed to mess up.” Mom looked at me. “I’m ready – I wasn’t ready yesterday – or the day before, but I know I can’t tell him where I am. So…if I can’t see him.” She took a deep breath. “I need to know it all.”

  I told her everything, leaving nothing out. It took a lot out of her and I knew it would have – but she needed to know. He simply wasn’t worth the risk anymore and now she knew why. This is what I did, I made the tough choices and I made her hear why. There was a long silence when I finished. Her tears had stopped a while ago, but I hadn’t moved to comfort her. I didn’t think he deserved the tears and trying to comfort her would have been a lie we would both have felt.

  “So, is there a girl?” mom teased. She was desperate to change the subject, but it wasn’t a subject I was ready for.

  “No.” My answer was too sharp.

  “Liar.” Mom wiped her eyes a final time.

  “There’s no one worth mentioning, too busy for that crap.” My smile was forced, my words fell flat.

  “Well…I hope she knows what she has and fights for you.” Mom saw through my bullshit but didn’t really call me on it. She finally finished her lunch in silence. I didn’t say a word.

  Alicia came bounding through the door about an hour later so excited she couldn’t speak. They were able to transfer the credits from Alicia’s Seattle College to this new college. Paul had also found something in a garage. He had made enquiries before leaving Seattle. He had assured me he had made them alone in his truck. He had merely gone today to do a ‘spot check’.

  It was all falling into place. Mom was also going to put feelers out for work; she didn’t like being in the house all day by herself. She liked to be active. Around six that night she served us her roast chicken dinner, which knocked Clara’s out of the park. As we were clearing dishes, I noticed mom and Alicia sneaking glances at the clock and I finally told them to quit it. They knew I had to go tonight – I couldn’t risk being missed for too long, especially now that I knew Tommy had people watching too.

  “You knew I could only be here for these two days. There’s too much going on just now to be away. I need to be careful.” We were all sitting in the living room, the atmosphere was heavy. “I need you to do something for me.” I looked at all of them. “I need you all to delete his number.” Mom looked away quickly, Alicia frowned as Paul nodded. “He’s still with Tommy’s nephew, for all I know that line of communication is still open. We didn’t go through all this for him to tell his buddy where you are. Did we?”

  Mom wiped her eyes again and handed me her phone. “I can’t do it, you do it.”

  “Seriously?” I stared at her, feeling slightly pissed off as I tried not to glare.

  “He’s my son, I know he messed up and he can’t be trusted but you are asking me to cut him off completely. I don’t know if I can do that without thinking about it – so you do it for me and then I don’t have to think about what a terrible mother I am.” She didn’t meet my eyes.

  “Mom, that’s fucking nonsense,” I started.

  “Aaron,” Paul interrupted me. He held his hand out. “I’ll do it son.” I sighed in frustration. “Give it to me, your mom doesn’t need to do this.” I went t
o protest but he got up and came over and took the phone.

  Alicia handed him her phone too. “Please Uncle Paul, I don’t want to.” Her voice was small.

  “Are you serious right now?” I demanded, looking at both of them. Neither of them would meet my gaze.

  “Aaron, they’ll need to block his number, can you show me how to do that? My phones in the kitchen, come help me.” Paul got up and walked into the kitchen, seething, I followed.

  He closed the door behind me. “Are they fucking kidding me?” I started.

  “I know son, calm down, they’ll hear you.” He patted my shoulder. “It’s your last night with them for a while, let’s not argue.” He handed me three phones and shrugged. “I dunno what I’m doing. Half the time, I can’t even answer the damn things.”

  I laughed despite myself. “I had to move them across three states because of that fucking prick, I had to do it like they were criminals and they can’t delete his number? I have to pay a fucking drug dealer to get him off my case and I still know she’ll never be safe.” I shook my head as I stabbed out his contact details from each phone and blocked his number. I would need them to get new cells, but I hadn’t had time. “You’re all gonna need new phones,” I muttered as I laid the phones on the counter. “Ugh, I need a beer.” I pulled my smokes out instead.

  “Your mom won’t like you smoking in the house, let’s go out to the backyard.” Paul opened the back door and we went outside. It was cold but sobering – it cooled my temper.

  “Sorry,” I muttered.

  “No problem.” He smiled at me as he took a cigarette. “I know all about difficult siblings.” I snorted in agreement. My father was a prick, seems Jay had inherited the genes. “How much do you need to pay him?” he asked me quietly.

  “More than the fucker lost, that’s for sure,” I bit out. “But he’s making a point. I get it.” I shrugged, it wasn’t for Paul to worry about.

  “Will you manage? I haven’t got much, but what I have is yours.” Paul’s head was low as he offered. I shook my head.