Dark Heart

by Eve L Mitchell

  I parked and went inside. She was in front of me before my boots were even off. “I’m ok,” I said as I shrugged off my jacket. My words of assurance were sharp. Lela took a hesitant step backward. I looked over at Shadow. He raised an eyebrow and then glanced at Lela. “It was nothing.” They both looked slightly annoyed. I sighed. “Ok, Lela I need you to go to your room so I can talk to Shadow.”

  “I’m not twelve!” she snapped at me.

  “Then stop acting like it.” I snarled at her. She went to argue. In frustration with everything, I bent and flung her over my shoulder. She cried out in protest. I ignored her. I carried her to her room, dumped her on the bed and ordered her to stay, closing the door behind me. Lela hollered behind me that she wasn’t a dog, I hesitated to make sure she didn’t come out of the room.

  I went back to Shadow. He was watching me and watching her door. “I was wrong, maybe you should both just get it out of your systems,” he considered softly.

  “Shut up. That junkie wants in on our fights.” I was still angry. I grabbed us both a beer. He declined his and I opened it anyway.

  “What did you say?”

  “Told him no and to fuck off.” I took a swig of beer.

  “You told him to fuck off?” Shadow rubbed the back of his neck. “You were more diplomatic…weren’t you?”

  “No. Told him it was bullshit.” I drained my beer.

  “Aaron…” Shadow looked at me as I started on the second bottle. “That maybe wasn’t the best approach.”

  “Don’t care.” I stood and started pacing. I needed to let the anger out. “I need to punch something,” I muttered.

  “Ok. I’m going home to my wife. I need you to get drunk and calm down.” Shadow paused. “Maybe don’t get drunk. Still got the speedball in the spare room?” I nodded. “Go hit it.” I snorted. I eyed Lela’s door. “No,” he added quickly. “Don’t hit that. Stay away from her tonight. We don’t need anything else going wrong.” Shadow looked at me seriously.

  “You just said I needed it out of my system.” My grin was my crazy one, I knew it was.

  “No, I lied. Don’t do this, you will regret it so bad.” Shadow looked at me and I looked back. My eyes flicked to her door again. I heard him groan. “I should stay here,” he muttered.

  “It’s fine, I’ll go punch the speedball, I won’t think with my dick.” I laughed. “I’m not seventeen anymore.” I drained the second beer. “I might just get drunk,” I admitted as I considered the empty bottle.

  “Should I stay?”

  “No. Seriously, I’m fine. I’m in total control.” I pulled another beer from the fridge.

  “I’m trusting you,” Shadow warned me.

  “Jesus, I won’t be stupid. I’m pissed off, I need alone time,” I snapped at him and then with a rueful grin pulled out a bottle of Jack. “She’ll stay in there – I scare her when I’m angry,” I admitted to him quietly. Shadow sighed and then nodded; with a promise we would discuss it tomorrow. Then he left too.

  I took the bottle of Jack and the beer to the couch and sat down. I tipped the Jack up and drank it straight.

  “That bad?”

  “I’m definitely getting you a bell.” I took a drink of beer. “And a collar, a pink one that says Brat.” I took another swig of Jack. Lela walked around and stood in front of me. She was wearing her sleep shorts again and a white tight camisole – her nipples poked the fabric and I wanted to bite them. “Did you plan on wearing that in front of Skinner?” I asked, as I waved at her outfit with the bottle.

  “This is what I sleep in.” She looked down at herself in confusion. “What’s wrong with it?” I snorted as I took another swig of Jack. She folded herself beside me on the couch and snagged the beer from me and took a drink.

  “What did that prick mean when he said that earlier in the Warehouse?” I asked her. She shrugged and looked away. “Did he make you take it?” I pressed her.

  “No,” she sighed. I glared at her. “He didn’t. I didn’t want to be there, with him. I wanted to be with you, but he offered, and I thought it would relax me. So, I took it, he said it was speed.” She shrugged but didn’t meet my eyes.

  “Why do you take that shit anyway?” I asked as I looked away from her. I was half slumped on the couch, my legs stretched out straight in front of me, as I rested my head on the back of the couch. I wasn’t even comfortable, but I didn’t want to move.

  “It makes me feel better,” Lela admitted as she watched me.

  “Did you feel better on Sunday? How did you feel when you saw Trey, Shadow…me?”

  “Ashamed.” Her voice was low and her cheeks were flushed. Her answer had a sobering effect on me.

  “I never understood drugs.” I put the bottle of Jack down. “Never understood giving up control.” I shook my head, my thoughts were a little fuzzy. I rose from the couch, stretched and gave a mocking laugh. “I can’t even get drunk.” I rolled my shoulders. “God, what a shitshow.” I ran my hand over my hair. “Fuck it. I’m going to bed. Goodnight Lela.” I headed down the hall.

  “Aaron?” Her voice called after me and I turned back. “Um.” She bit her lip.

  “Do I want to know?” I asked as I turned away and headed to my room. I knew she would follow. I wasn’t wrong.

  “Well, you have the comfier bed…” Lela began.

  “You’ve been sleeping in my bed, haven’t you?” I asked her flatly. The memory of the fairy tale, Goldilocks and The Three Bears, floated in the back of my head and I pushed it away in irritation.

  “Yes.”

  “And you want to know if you can sleep in my bed, now I’m back?” I leaned against the door.

  “Yes.”

  “No.” I closed the door in her face. I heard her huff of indignation through the door. It was enough to make me smile as I undressed and got ready for bed.

  I felt her slip into bed during the night. I half woke as she tried not to disturb me, but I wasn’t dead. Yes, she could creep into the room when I was sleeping, but I was a man with a pulse. Show me any man that wouldn’t notice a woman slipping into bed with him and not come awake and I’d call him a liar. She was careful not to touch me, turning onto her side away from me. I was tempted to boot her out but decided I was too tired to care. I ignored the sarcastic little voice in the back of my head telling me sure, I was tired.

  When I woke in the morning, she was wrapped around me and I was holding her close to my chest. I gently untangled our limbs and climbed out of bed. Lela slept on unaware as I headed to my treadmill. The pull up bar that hung across the top of the door was good for thirty reps before I did my miles on the treadmill. When I went back into the room she was on her back, still sound asleep. I stood and watched her for a minute before I went for my shower and shave.

  When I came out, she was gone. I smiled to myself. I wasn’t sure how she was going to play off sneaking into my bed. Did she think I wouldn’t have noticed when I woke up? Pulling on my sweats, I headed to the kitchen and the coffee pot I had made before I ran my miles.

  Lela sat at the table with a yogurt and fruit. My nose wrinkled in distaste.

  “Lela,” I greeted.

  “I’m sorry,” she blurted. I waited; I was genuinely amused but didn’t want to ruin my fun. “It was so cold last night, I swear to God that mattress got lumpier in the last week! I swear I almost slept walked.”

  “Slept walked?” I interrupted. “I don’t think that’s even a phrase.”

  “You know what I mean, and I made sure I stayed to my side.” Lela hurriedly shovelled a huge mouthful of fruit into her mouth.

  “Your side?” She flushed and ate more fruit. “Ok, so you’re telling me that you practically sleepwalk into my bed.” I considered her. She nodded. “Lame. Lamest thing I ever heard. The mattress is lumpy? Lamer. If you’re going to lie, lie better.” I took a drink of coffee and grinned to myself as I went back to my room.

  I heard her push her chair back and come after me. “You’re not throwing me
out though? I know I shouldn’t have come in, but it was seriously freezing.”

  I put my mug down and turned to her. “You live in constant fear I’m throwing you out, why do you stay?” I was genuinely curious.

  “I like it here,” Lela muttered.

  “You can’t even. If you do, there’s more wrong with you than I thought.” I assessed her shrewdly. She seemed serious, what kind of home life did this woman come from? I was stable? Was she for real? Lela shrugged and looked at me hopefully. “I’m not throwing you out, but I would prefer if you stayed in the room that I gave you.” Her face fell. “Hey, your mom’s home tomorrow, isn’t she? You’ll be with her by Sunday anyway, if not Saturday night.” I smiled at her, my own smile felt false now.

  Lela looked at her feet. “I keep forgetting she is coming back.”

  “You’ll soon be back to what you are used to,” I joked half-heartedly. “Daisy will be back soon, things will soon be like you were never here.”

  She turned and left the room without a word. I suppose I should have seen that coming. Shaking my head at how quickly that got turned around on me, I got ready for work.

  We drove in relative silence. Lela was still smarting from my earlier comment. I was too busy thinking about how to shake Tommy loose. When I parked and got into the workshop, I ran over the workbook for the week. Jim was pleased to see me. I realised quickly he hadn’t bought the story I was ill, but he was keeping his thoughts to himself and for that I was grateful. I didn’t want to have to come down heavy on him; I needed him in this garage. If I wasn’t telling Shadow I sure as shit wasn’t telling anyone else. It may have been easier had Lela not been at work either – people could have thought I was having a few days’ break with her. However, she had been there, covering for me. I guess I couldn’t have it all.

  Shadow turned up mid-morning as I was in the back doing some routine oil changes. A few of the regular guys were off ill – seems my ‘flu’ was catching. I was stripped down to my t-shirt. He commented that it was a wonder I didn’t get a cold more often given I never wore any clothes. Lela murmured her agreement as she walked past on her way to the front counter. I noted her eyes were lazy as they travelled over my chest. She flushed when I caught her, though I noted she didn’t look away. Someone was getting bolder, which was surprising as I already considered Lela bold.

  “How are you this morning? You calmed down yet?” He glanced at Lela once. “You didn’t?” He left it hanging but I knew what he meant.

  “I’m fine, I was calm last night and no – I didn’t.” I rubbed my hands on a rag. “Although, someone did creep in beside me because she was cold.” I laughed despite myself.

  “Nothing happened though?”

  “You really are a gossip. You know that, don’t you?” I tossed the rag and closed the hood of the car.

  “When you’re not all apocalyptic and nuclear, I’m gonna beat your ass in the ring,” Shadow muttered.

  “What the fuck you talking about?” I laughed at him.

  “You know I won’t spar with you when you’re crazy, but when you’re less crazy, I’m gonna beat your ass.” Shadow nodded in determination.

  “I’m not crazy,” I answered.

  “Ok, you keep telling yourself that,” Shadow laughed as he walked away, “I’ll see you at the gym later sane boy!” he shouted over his shoulder.

  I watched him go. Was I on edge? I heard Lela laugh in the office and I saw my hands clench reflexively on the counter. It took me by surprise. I forced my hands to unclench and stared at my knuckles as I thought about the last few weeks and about how somehow none of what had happened – Jay, Tommy, Gerry, none of it – made me feel crazier than Lela.

  In my house.

  In my workplace.

  In my headspace.

  Always Lela.

  Watching. Waiting. Wanting. Shadow was right. I was on edge.

  Cursing, I walked to the back of the garage and into the adjoining shed. I needed space. The front yard had too many people, the front office had her, I needed a back corner where I could smoke in peace.

  I slipped out the side door and lit up a Marlboro. The snow was falling again and I considered going back in for a jacket but I settled for standing half in the doorway, blowing smoke into the air while still capturing the heat from the garage.

  “Hey, you ok out here? It’s getting really cold.” I closed my eyes as she came up behind me. I couldn’t escape her.

  “I’m fine, just looking for five minutes’ of peace.” I took another draw of the cigarette.

  “Oh, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

  I snorted before I could stop myself. I didn’t need to see her to know she was wringing her hands together.

  “My mom texted me,” she said.

  “Ok.” I flicked my ash.

  “Are you going to look at me?” Her voice was more demanding.

  I tilted my head back as I looked at the sky, heavy with snow. “Will it stop you speaking?”

  “God, you’re so…” She sighed as she struggled to maintain her temper. “Anyway, she said she would be back tomorrow evening.”

  I stubbed out my butt. “You came back here to tell me this?” I walked past her. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  “Why are you being like this?” Her voice was low and…injured?

  “What do you want me to say?” I turned to her in question. “I don’t really give a fuck when they come back.”

  “So eager to get rid of me?” Lela snapped at me. I laughed softly as I walked away, letting her think what she wanted. I hadn’t lied. It didn’t matter to me anymore when they came back. It was pretty clear to me Lela was truly under my skin now. I just needed to dig her out before she noticed how deep she really was.

  I left her at the garage and headed over to the gym. Shadow was talking to Frank and another member when I got in. I headed to the back locker to change; I had a date with a punching bag. I faltered at the door when I saw Matt but walked in after a moment of hesitation so slight, he wouldn’t have noticed.

  “You’re always here,” I greeted him.

  “You feeling better?” he enquired as he pulled on a t-shirt. He stored his bag in a locker and headed to the door. “Theo’s down with man flu. Think Cole might actually smother him soon if he takes anymore of Ari’s time as she nurses him back to health.” He gave a half-hearted wave and was gone before I actually needed to respond. I was more than ok with that. I smirked at the thought of Theo being cared for by the girl, Arielle, while Colton waited for her. It was then that I realised how much she reminded me of Alicia. She had the same dark hair and innocence that Alicia had, the same overprotective ‘brothers’, when I considered the way Matt and Theo were with Arielle. I shook my head as I slipped on my workout clothes. That was a genuine revelation to me. If Shadow had been here at the time it had all happened, he would have seen it immediately. No wonder I had paid attention to her and Jay and felt protective. Arielle had reminded me of my little sister.

  Still shaking my head at the revelation, I went out into the training room. One bag was free, so that’s where I headed. Shadow looked like he had spent his time training – his clothes were damp, his hair wet.

  “You need me to hold it for you?” he asked as he came over.

  “Shadow, I told you before, only when we’re alone.” I ducked his swipe at my head as I laughed at my own joke.

  “Hey Aaron, why don’t you spar with Matt today?” Frank came over with Matt, uncertain behind him.

  My smile vanished as Shadow straightened beside me. “Because I’m good with just the bag Frank,” I answered.

  “Matt needs a partner in the ring,” Frank pressed. He was chewing a toothpick as his hands rested on his hips.

  My eyes scanned the room. “Jordan might be interested.” I turned away.

  “Knocked Jordan out yesterday,” Frank answered. I half turned back and looked at Matt who was looking at his feet.

  “Completely out?” I asked.
/>   “I didn’t mean it,” Matt muttered.

  “Yeah, it was an accident,” Shadow jumped in. My eyes met my friends disbelievingly. “See, Matt’s really good and we figured it would be a good match since Jordan’s good, but Matt’s been training for longer and Matt just took Jordan by surprise.” Shadow shrugged. “That’s all.”

  I scanned Jordan who was nodding too as he came over. “You ok?” I asked him.

  “Oh yeah, it was a great hit, genuinely didn’t see it coming,” Jordan answered me enthusiastically.

  Are they fucking serious?

  “Jordan’s really improving,” Shadow offered.

  “Are you?” I directed at Jordan. He nodded eagerly. I recalled he wanted to fight at the Warehouse. “Tell me Jordan, how many times before you started training with Frank, have you been knocked out?”

  Jordan was scarlet with embarrassment; Frank was red for a whole other reason. “Um, well, none.”

  I levelled my eyes at Frank. “Looks like you found someone to train with Matt.” I turned back to my punching bag. Shadow shuffled beside me. “You better go make sure he doesn’t knock the idiot out again,” I snapped.

  “Eh, yeah.”

  Shaking my head, I approached the bag and started my session. As I tried to clear my head, I couldn’t get into a proper rhythm. I couldn’t tune them out as they called out encouragement and advice from the ring to each other. Frank’s desperation to get me to train with the others was getting on my nerves. Matt was now knocking out my guys? He was already a good fighter – I didn’t need him getting better at the other members’ expense. I needed to have a word with Colton. I knew they shouldn’t have been here. I punched the bag savagely. A laugh from the ring distracted me again and, I gave up, succumbing to my temper.