Ashes and Ecstasy

by Catherine Hart

  At length, her tears finally ceased, as if she had cried all it was humanly possible to do. She pushed herself wearily off the bed, crossing to stand at the open porthole. The air held the salty tang of the sea, and the sky was clear and dotted with stars.

  “There should be clouds,” Kathleen thought. “It should be raining and storming to match my feelings!” She closed her eyes on the beauty of the night. “Yes, there should be bolts of jagged lightning rending the sky, as Reed’s loss is tearing my heart to pieces! And loud, angry thunder to match the rage in my soul! Oh, God! How can You do this to me—to Reed—to our innocent little babies?” The words were ripped from her throat in a shriek of despair.

  Hot tears stung beneath her swollen eyelids. “No! No!” she cried, shaking her head violently. “I have got to stop thinking like this! According to the lieutenant, the Kat-Ann ran into that storm a month ago. If Reed had died then, wouldn’t I have then felt his loss? Could Reed die, be it a thousand miles away, and I not feel anything at all?” She voiced her doubts aloud. “I cannot believe that I would not know—that I would feel nothing. My heart would have told me. Surely, as much as Reed and I love one another, there would have been some indication, some reaction. My heart should have stopped at the same moment as his. This awful pain would have begun then, I know it!”

  A tiny glimmer of hope rose in her, even as the sun was beginning to rise in the eastern sky. Alone in the dawn, she vowed, “Reed, I know you are still alive somewhere! I feel it at the very core of my being. I’ll find you, my darling, I promise. Wait for me, my love! As quickly as the Starbright can carry me, I’ll come to you!”

  Holding tight to her fragile seed of hope, Kathleen went in search of Finley and Dan, whom she discovered just outside her cabin door, slouched asleep against the bulkhead. After she had roused him, they found Finley on deck.

  “How soon can the Starbright be made seaworthy?” she demanded.

  “A week—week and a half at most,” Finley replied, attempting to ignore her puffy face and swollen eyes.

  “No sooner?”

  Finley shook his head. “Sorry, Captain, but we can’t chance sailing until she’s fit.”

  “Alright,” Kathleen sighed. “Dan, I want you immediately to assemble a crew that will not object to taking orders from me. I will be captaining this voyage with Finley as quartermaster and you as bosun.”

  “Jest like old times,” Dan murmured softly.

  A shadow darkened Kathleen’s face. “Almost, old friend. I will leave it to you two to see that stores are laid in and everything put in readiness.”

  “Aye, Cap’n. Anything else?”

  Kathleen nodded. “Yes. Find me a horse, Dan. It is time I went home to Chimera.”

  On her way, she stopped at Emerald Hill to tell Kate all that had transpired. Tears drenched the older woman’s wrinkled cheeks as she listened. Her eyes were nearly as bright as Kathleen’s, reflecting tears and sorrow. The two women, so similar in many ways, shared their grief, clinging to one another in mingled anguish and hope.

  Kathleen finished her tale by telling her grandmother that she was going in search of Reed as soon as possible. “I refuse to believe I would not have known if he were dead, Gram. He is alive! I know it, and I’ll find him and bring him home again.”

  “I pray ye are right, Kathleen. ’Tis not an easy task ye’ve set yerself, scouring the seas and countless isles in the midst o’ a war,” sighed the old woman. But she knew better than to attempt to dissuade her headstrong granddaughter.

  “I’ll have help, Kate. Now that the first shock is wearing off a bit, I am thinking more clearly. My best bet may be to ask Jean and Dominique for help. Jean Lafitte knows that area better than any man alive.”

  Kate nodded her approval. “Aye, thet may be the fastest way t’ find Reed. I will feel better knowin’ ye have Jean and Dominique t’ look after ye, too. They would ne’er let anything happen t’ ye.”

  As Kathleen prepared to leave for Chimera, Kate hugged her tightly and kissed her on the cheek. “Kathleen, me love, are ye sure yer heart is not playin’ tricks on ye? If Reed truly is drowned, ’twould be like losin’ him twice t’ put so much faith in such slim hopes.” Kathleen shrugged helplessly. “What choice do I have, Gram? I simply cannot bear to believe he is dead. As long as there is a chance he is alive, I must search for him. I’m not whole without him, Kate.”

  “And if ye find evidence thet Reed is dead?” her grandmother asked gently.

  “I’ll deal with that when the time comes,” Kathleen said softly, “if the time comes, God forbid!”

  The atmosphere that greeted Kathleen at Chimera was hushed and sorrowladen. A pall hung over the entire plantation. The pervading gloom had even affected the children, who sensed that something was gravely wrong, though not understanding any of it.

  The main doors to the house had already been shrouded in black crepe, the symbol of mourning, and Kathleen shivered when she saw it. Susan was upstairs tending to her mother, for Mary had collapsed upon hearing the dreadful news. The servants were all tiptoeing about, red-eyed and reverent in the face of the family’s grief. In the library, Ted sat gloomily nursing a whiskey and trying to discuss details of a memorial service with the minister. Isabel was graciously and quietly receiving neighbors and friends who had come immediately upon hearing about Reed to offer their condolences.

  Unwilling to face Reverend Whiting just yet, Kathleen sent a servant into the library to tell Ted she had arrived home safely and would be upstairs with Mary and Susan. The same message was relayed to Isabel and to Della, who was with the children in the nursery. Gently acknowledging hushed expressions of sympathy from several of the servants, Kathleen made her way to Mary’s room. The curtains were drawn against the bright July sunshine; the sounds of soft weeping led Kathleen to Mary’s bedside. Susan sat in a chair near the head of the bed, mopping her swollen eyes with a handkerchief and holding her mother’s hand. Mary lay limply on the bed, dark circles accenting her eyes and the pallor of her chalk-white face.

  Kathleen embraced her sister-in-law silently. Then, taking Mary’s hand, she spoke softly. “Mary, I’m home.”

  The dark head shifted on the pillow, solemn eyes resting gently on Kathleen’s ravaged face. Mary’s arms came up to gather Kathleen close. For long minutes the women shared a silent communication of deepest loss. At last Mary whispered hoarsely, “Did you see Kate?”

  “Yes.”

  “I hope she is alright by herself. She has always been so fond of Reed. It is bound to be hard on her. You should have brought her here with you.” Even in her sorrow, Mary was still thoughtful of others.

  “She will be along later,” Kathleen assured her mother-in-law. “She is tougher than she looks. It is you we are worried about.”

  “Oh, Kathleen!” Mary moaned. “Here I lie wallowing in misery when you have sustained a loss equal to mine, my dear. I should be ashamed of myself, but I can’t seem to help it.”

  “Dearest Mother, don’t worry yourself over me. I shall be fine as soon as the Starbright is ready to sail and I can go in search of my missing husband,” said Kathleen firmly.

  Both Mary and Susan stared at her as if Kathleen’s grief had affected her mind. “Oh, dear!” Mary wailed.

  Abruptly, Susan rose, offering Kathleen her chair. “Kathleen, honey, I don’t believe you are thinking clearly. Sit here and rest awhile by Mother.”

  “No, Susan, keep your seat, and both of you listen to what I’ve come to say.” Kathleen perched on the edge of the bed next to Mary. “And would you kindly stop looking at me as if I’ve come unhinged? I am perfectly sane, I assure you.”

  Taking a deep breath, she plunged ahead. “Ted has undoubtedly told you all that that lieutenant had to say yesterday.” At their confirming nods, she continued. “I’ve thought about it all night, and I am not convinced that Reed is dead.”

  “But the Kat-Ann is missing,” Susan interrupted, “and Reed has not been seen anywhere since then.”<
br />
  “And the bodies,” Mary added on a sob. “What of the bodies Captain Guthrie discovered?”

  “My dears,” Kathleen went on gently, “those bodies were unidentifiable as anyone from the Kat-Ann. I know you must think that I am grasping at straws and clinging to false hope, but I cannot accept Reed’s death on this evidence alone.”

  “But, Kathleen, where is he then?” Susan asked tearfully.

  “We know the Kat-Ann was hit by that storm,” Kathleen conceded. “Perhaps she was thrown off course. Maybe she sustained heavy damages and floundered near one of the islands awaiting help.”

  “And perhaps she actually did sink in the storm as Captain Guthrie believes,” Mary suggested sadly. “Kathleen, dear, don’t fight fate. If Reed is alive, he will find his way home to us, but don’t go off chasing elusive shadows.”

  Kathleen’s eyes filled with tears and she brushed them away impatiently. “Believe me, Mary, I am not considering this lightly. I know my feelings are running high right now, and I know the odds of finding Reed are slim indeed, but I have to try! I cannot sit idly by and wait while Reed may be in desperate need of help. There is no way I can bring myself to accept someone else’s lame explanations and calm assertations that Reed is drowned. Not for a moment can I allow myself to believe that, or my life no longer has meaning. Something deep within me tells me he is alive, and I must search for him. Please try to understand. If I truly thought he was dead. I’d shroud myself in black from head to toe and mourn him forever, but my heart refuses to accept that!”

  Kathleen stood, bravely squaring her shoulders against her heavy load of grief. “He is alive,” she whispered. “He simply has to be alive. I cannot live without him!”

  Mary caught at her hand. “I cannot tell you what to do, Kathleen. You must follow your heart and do what you feel is right. If you must go, we will care for the children in your absence, but please take care. It would be even more tragic to have both parents taken from them.”

  “We will pray for you, Kathleen,” Susan added. Her soft grey eyes searched Kathleen’s. “We will pray for your safety—and your success.”

  “When will you leave?” Mary asked.

  “In about a week. There is much work to be done before the Starbright will be seaworthy.”

  “And how long do you think you will be gone?”

  “As long as it takes, Mary, to find your son and bring him home. Perhaps a fortnight—perhaps a month or more.” Kathleen gazed solemnly at the two women so dear to her. “Reverend Whiting is downstairs with Ted, wanting to arrange a memorial service, I suppose. You may do as you wish, of course, but I shall not be attending any services for Reed—not while I hold a shred of hope that he still lives!”

  Mary stared at her silently for a moment. “All right, Kathleen,” she sighed. “We will have the services postponed until we see what your search reveals.”

  “And the crepe on the doors?” Kathleen pressed. “That, too, will be removed.”

  “Thank you, Mary, and you, too, Susan,” Kathleen said sincerely. “I realize how deeply you both are hurting, and not for the world would I purposefully do anything to add to your pain. If I am wrong ...” her voice faltered.

  “If you are wrong, we cannot blame you for wanting to believe otherwise, Kathleen,” Mary assured her. “It may prolong our grief, but I fear it will compound yours unbearably. We can only pray that you are right.”

  Susan stood to enfold Kathleen in her slim arms. “I shall not fault you either, Sister. Whether your hopes prove fruitful or groundless, you act out of love, and that is the strongest of all emotions.”

  As speedily as repairs were made on the Starbright , it was not fast enough for Kathleen. Her impatience grew daily, as did her temper. Too often she found herself retorting sharply to well-meaning comments. Try as she might, she could not curb her tongue, though she was infallibly tolerant with her children. As she waited to set sail, she spent much time with Andrea and Katlin, treasuring her moments with them. Knowing it would be some time before she saw them again, the hours they spent together were doubly precious. As simply as she could, she explained that their father was missing, and she must go in search of him. Just how much they actually understood, she knew not, but they realized that she must leave them for a while, and readily agreed to be good children for Della and Grandmama Mary.

  Isabel surprised everyone by insisting that she accompany Kathleen on the voyage. Disregarding all attempts to persuade her otherwise, she stood firm on her decision. “We have been through much together, Caterina,” she told Kathleen. “You stood by me when no one else would —you and Reed. Now I shall stand by you, whether you need or want me to, or not. I am coming, even if I have to stow away again!”

  There were still times when dreadful doubts assailed Kathleen, and she wondered if she was about to sail on a fool’s errand. At these times, she would slip off to be alone with her thoughts, often racing away on her golden palomino, Zeus, or on Reed’s big black stallion, Titan.

  Away they would ride, flying over the ground, the wind blowing all doubts and fears out of her head. Sometimes they would head for the coast, where she would sit for hours staring at the ocean, drawing some measure of peace and consolation from the churning waves. When she came away refreshed, she could not believe the same sea that lent her such comfort could be cruel enough to steal her husband.

  Finally her anxious waiting came to an end. She made her rounds, saying goodbye to everyone, and she and Isabel boarded the Starbright. The order was given to weigh anchor, and they made their way slowly down the river to the sea. Outwardly calm and inwardly quaking, she prayed for the strength to face whatever she might find.

  Chapter 9

  They sailed south under fair skies. Bountiful breezes filled the sails and carried them swiftly toward the tip of Florida. Twice they sighed English men-of-war, but the Starbright, with Kathleen at the helm, quickly outdistanced them.

  Kathleen was once again in her element, confident and completely in control of her destiny for the first time since the lieutenant’s dreadful announcement. Once more she was sailing the seas, the salt spray in her face, the deck rolling beneath her firmly planted feet. She strode the deck in fitted trousers, full-sleeved tailored shirt, and high black boots. Her red-gold tresses blew wildly in the wind like a copper banner, and her rapier in its sheath slapped smartly against her thigh, a symbol of courage and defiance.

  As comfortable as Kathleen felt in her own sailing attire, it came as a shock to her to see Isabel similarly garbed. Isabel’s snug trousers and billowing blouse revealed voluptuous curves heretofore disguised by her demure dresses. With her long black hair held back by a ribbon and her black eyes snapping in her delicate face, she practiced daily with her rapier. Her blade was nearly half as long as she was tall, and she resembled a nimble pixie as she and Kathleen rehearsed the finer points of swordplay. There was nothing childish about either her figure or her attitude, however, for she took her lessons seriously, determined to regain her former competence with her weapon.

  As they cruised the warm waters of the Gulf, Kathleen and her crew diligently searched every island they encountered, though they were far south of the area where the Kat-Ann had supposedly gone down. While it was impossible to cover all the hundreds of islands without months of searching, they did their best, at the same time heading steadily west and north. It was always possible, if not probable, that the storm had blown theKat-Ann this far off course, and Kathleen was compelled to cover all possibilities.

  In due course, they reached the area designated by Captain Guthrie. Kathleen was dismayed at the multitude of islands dotting the west Florida coastline as far as the eye could see. It was easy to understand why Jean Lafitte had called it “the land of ten thousand islands.” Discouraged but still determined, the Starbright and her crew scoured the area as best they could, discovering nothing of note. After a cursory inspection, it was clear they needed help in their cause, and Kathleen headed her ship for Ba
rataria Bay and Grande Terre.

  Two and a half weeks after her departure from Savannah, the Starbright ran up the signal for entrance and sailed easily through the tricky straits into Barataria Bay. No sooner had they dropped anchor than a dinghy was sent out to greet them. Dominique You, busy at the fort at the time, had been the first to identify the frigate as the Starbright. He easily recognized the sleek lines of the vessel once disguised as the Emerald Enchantress, the fabled green ship of the Gulf. At once he notified his brother Jean that Reed’s frigate was entering the bay, and they both went down to the dock to meet them.

  Their surprise was boundless and their curiosity immediately piqued as they caught sight of Kathleen’s flaming tresses, gleaming brightly in the setting sun. Their interest rose as they watched her petite dark-haired companion follow her into the dinghy. Search as they did among the many familiar faces of the crew, they could not make out Reed’s among them. A tingling feeling of unease wafted across the bay, and Jean turned to Dominique with a frown.

  “There is something wrong, mon frére, to bring Kathleen to Grande Terre at this time. I feel it in my bones.”

  “I would feel easier if I could spot Reed among the men,” Dominique answered. “For Kathleen to leave her children in the midst of a war, the situation must indeed be serious.”

  They had no more time to contemplate her unexpected arrival as the dinghy drew up to shore. Kathleen launched herself from the boat straight into Dominique’s welcoming arms.

  “Dominique! How good it is to see your dear face again!”

  Dominique chuckled, squeezing her tightly in his burly arms before releasing her. “Anyone who can call this scarred face dear is either blind or madly in love with me!”

  “I am guilty on both charges!” she declared saucily. She turned to receive Jean’s welcoming kiss on her cheek.