by Lovell, Dani
I stir again a couple of hours later, his hands leave me and the mattress moves as he climbs out of bed. "Mmm... come straight back..." I mumble, hearing his feet pad around to the en-suite. I fall back asleep again, looking forward to being wrapped up safely in his warm body.
I roll over to reach for him when I wake again, feeling cold and lonely. I open my eyes, realising he's not back, and I turn to check the door to the en-suite - that feels like hours ago, he can't still be in there... and he isn't, the door is wide open. I sit up and look at the balcony, the curtains are closed and still so the door must be closed; he's not out there. He must be downstairs, I think, as I yawn and rest back against the headboard, rubbing my eyes. Maybe he's getting us breakfast in bed. I hope so, how fun!
I turn to my bedside table to check the time on my phone and my heart thuds hard in my chest when I see what's on there. The jigsaw I bought him, split in half, just the Stars and Stripes left; his heart. Immediately, I check his bedside table to see if 'my' heart is over there. It isn't, and neither is his 'Papa Bear', or his phone. I sit bolt upright, beginning to panic. What the hell is going on? Why has his stuff moved?
I kick the covers back and run over to the drawers, closing my eyes as I grab one of the handles, praying that I am being irrational in thinking he's done a runner. I open it slowly and my heart falls deep into the pit of my stomach; his clothes are gone. No... no, no, no! He can't have, he wouldn't have!
I walk back to the bed, searching for clues about where he might be and why he would need to take his clothes. I look at the jigsaw again and press the button on my phone next to it, to see if I have any messages. I do; one, from him. Please, please, please - let this be something totally normal, let me be forgetting about something...
-
LA Luke 27 Dec
I will love you forever, Princess. You have my heart, no one will ever take that from you. I'm sorry. x
-
I drop to my knees on the floor, my chest constricting tightly around my pulverised heart. I drop my phone and clench my hands at my sternum, needing some relief from the pain. I bow down, hovering over my bent legs, wondering what the hell happened. We were okay... we were cuddling and kissing... he says he loves me. Why has he gone? Is he coming back? Does he ever want to see Wriggler? Oh god... Wriggler...
I moan loudly, letting this pain get out anyway it can. Rocking forwards and backwards I cry, loudly. "No, no, no..." I say over and over. He can't do this to me, Luke would never do this to me.
My door bursts open and I don't even bother to look up when I hear Bea calling out to me. I continue to rock, crying loudly, clutching my chest.
"Til? Tilly, darling, what's happened?" she says as she runs to me and sits on the floor, holding me.
I lean into her and sob. I don't bother to talk, I need comfort, I need to cry this pain away, I need... him.
"Darling, it's okay, just tell me what happened..." she says in a soft voice as she rocks with me. My heart feels like it's in my throat, thumping hard, making me nauseous. This can't be happening.
Daniel appears at our sides and rubs my back, too. Where did they come from? How did they know I was upset?
I bury my face in my hands and try to compose myself, maybe Daniel knows something. I take a deep breath and look up at the two of them. "Why... why are you here?"
"We knew something was wrong, Luke sent a text message to Daniel early this morning asking us to get round here quickly to make sure you're okay."
"He did?'" I ask, hopeful. "What did he say? Where is he?"
Daniel moves forward and takes my hands in his. "He didn't say, but I knew he wasn't with you. Til, he said that you need to tell us something and asked me to tell you it's 'okay'. What is it? Are you alright?" He softly rubs my back, comfortingly and I remember again why we all love this man so much. Bea is so lucky. I thought I was. Even last night when we'd had a few 'words' with each other, I still felt so lucky to have Luke, but now I feel like I don't - I've lost him. Have I really lost him? Has he gone for good? Does he just need a break?
"Daniel, where is he?" I ask in desperation, pleading with him.
"Sweetheart, I just don't know."
"Did you ask? Can you call him? Text him?"
"I have, I've been calling him and texting him ever since I saw his message, all the way over here. It's switched off, I can't get hold of him. I'm sorry."
I nod. "He's left me," I say, quietly. "Has he? Has he left me?" I ask Daniel, hoping that he will miraculously have all of the answers, knowing full well that he will not.
"I don't know, Tilly. I have to speak with him. I don't understand what's happening though. Has his stuff gone?"
I nod. "Yes. I don't know why, we were so happy - he was kissing me and cuddling me in the night... why would he do this? What happened between those sweet kisses earlier and... whenever he left? When did he leave?"
"I don't know. I'm so sorry, Til. I need to fucking speak with him, this is wrong," he says, shaking his head and running a hand around the back of his neck.
"Til, what was it you need to tell us? I am so confused. First we get a text from Luke to get around here - he's gone, you're crying because you had no idea he was going - so what can you tell us? I don't understand."
"Oh..." I moan, fresh tears streaming down my cheeks, "Oh god, Bea, I feel so sick. Why is this happening?"
"I don't know, darling..." she says looking at Daniel and shaking her head, helplessly. "I just don't know what to do or say. Could he have changed his mind about the girlfriend thing? Did you fight or anything?"
"He wouldn't do that, baby, he loves her too much. He wouldn't just take off because of a fight," Daniel answers.
"We have been arguing a little bit, but... I just thought he needed to... he needed to get used to the idea."
"Of having a girlfriend?" she asks, nodding.
I shake my head and put my face in my hands again. "No."
She frowns. "Til, I just don't understand. I'm sorry."
I take a deep breath and slowly get to my feet, sitting on the edge of the bed. They two of them stand in front of me and I take a hand from both of them. "I love you. I need to tell you something."
"Oh god," Bea says, putting her spare hand to her mouth. "Oh god, what? What is it?" she asks panicking and Daniel immediately puts an arm around her back, comforting her.
"Bea, I'm fine, nothing like that."
"You're pregnant." Daniel says, surprisingly, his face knowing, and I see things all clicking into place for him.
"What? No, she's not..." Bea begins and looks at me as she speaks, coming to an abrupt halt when she sees my face. "You're... you're having a baby?"
I nod and look down, hating that they don't already know this. Bea's mouth drops open and she stands in silence, taking it in.
"Oh, sweetheart. This makes a lot more sense to me now," Daniel says as he sits down next to me on the bed and puts his arm around me, holding me tightly against him. I slip my arms around his stomach and let myself soak in the comfort. It feels so good just to have someone hold me.
"Darling... I... who? When?" Bea asks, dropping to her knees in front of me and reaching for one of my hands.
"It's Luke's baby, of course. It happened while we were in LA."
"What?" she cries, "How long have you both known?"
And this is the bit I really don't want to have to go through again. "I told Luke on Christmas Eve. I have know for a long time, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you Bea, I really am, please don't be upset. But I wanted Luke to know first. You know?"
"Oh, Til, of course I do, I'm not upset... I am absolutely gob-smacked though. I mean - this must have been so hard for you?"
I nod, nonchalantly, I did what I had to. "Darling, Clare knows, but not because I told her, she guessed the other day and I asked her not to say anything until I told Luke. And then Luke didn't want to mention anything until he got used to the idea... which... I guess he won't now. But since he told Daniel I could tel
l you - now you know."
She stands again and bends to hug me hard. "Oh gosh, doll, you poor, poor thing. And that fucking son of a bitch!" she shouts, pulling back and looking at Daniel. "You better bloody well get hold of him and tell him what the fuck I think of him right now," she shouts to Daniel, quickly followed by, "sorry, darling. I didn't mean to shout at you," and a quick peck on the lips. God, 'in love' is not what I need to witness right now.
"I know, and don't worry. I'll track him down. I know what's going on now."
"Do you? He better fucking know what's coming to him from me," Bea says, firmly.
"No, Bea," I respond, defending him, "it's not his fault. He's not the dad type, I'm surprised he was even the boyfriend type. I suppose I thought this would happen, I just fell too far... in love... with him..." I say slowly through sniffles as I melt again.
"What can I do? Let me get tea," Bea says, warmly.
I nod, wiping the tears from my face. "Okay, thank you. Daniel please can you try and get hold of him, tell him I need to talk to him. Tell him I won't be mad - I just need to tell him that I love him and that it's okay."
"It's not fucking okay!" Bea shouts and Daniel frowns. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Til."
I smile, even in a 'situation' these two are so cute.
"I will keep trying, sweetheart," Daniel says as he kisses my cheek and stands to leave the room, I presume to start trying to make contact with him. "Do you know what time he left?"
"No. I know we woke up really early and he was kissing me and... and holding my tummy, "I whisper, the pain ripping through me as I recall, "and then I woke a couple of hours later when he was getting out of the bed to use the toilet. Or so I thought... I don't remember him coming back to bed after that... oh god..." I say as my stomach churns painfully and I rock forwards again.
"Okay, I'll be downstairs if you need me. I'll let you know if I get a hold of him."
I nod and watch as he and Bea leave the room.
I enter the en-suite and lean against the vanity, looking in the mirror at my ugly, morning, cry-baby face. Ugh. I run the sink taps and splash myself, washing off the sleep and salty tears, praying it will refresh me just a little bit.
When I return, Oliver is sitting back on my bed looking his usual, cool self, resting against the head board, his ankles crossed, waiting for me. "So, we're going to have another little person in the group, eh? That'll be fun!" he says with a huge smile as he opens his arms to offer me a cuddle. I immediately well up again and throw myself at him, laying on the bed, holding him tightly.
"Alright, darling. Everything will be okay. He's just scared and being a bit of an arse-hole, we all have our moments, men are useless. He'll come around," he says, making me smile.
I nod against him, saying nothing. I'm fed up of talking, I just want to lie here, enjoying one of my best friends; my hand-picked brother.
"And you know, he is a really good bloke. He seemed a bit strange on a couple of occasions, but that's all understandable now, given the circumstances, but he's decent. He will come back, don't you worry."
I nod again, sniffing. "Do you think so?"
"I know so, and even if I happen to be wrong, which - let's face it - I never am, that baby will be so unbelievably loved. You know I'm going to be the best uncle ever, and my mum and dad will seriously adopt that child as their grandchild - don't doubt that." I grin and squeeze him tighter, grateful for his love. "I'll help you, Bea and Daniel will and you know Clare will be more than enthusiastic about being a hands-on auntie. But that won't even be necessary, because Luke will be back when he's reorganised his head a little bit, and you'll be back to being the best looking family, ever. Okay? So you stop worrying your little self, stress won't help anyone right now."
I smile, loving his wonderfully caring nature, but it just isn't washing with me. It's very easy to say all of this, but when you're the one who has just been left, pregnant and alone, it's not such an easy pill to swallow. Bastard! How can he do this to me? Oh... stop, Til. It's not his fault, he has never seen himself as a dad and he didn't ask for this either. He must have been so overwhelmed to go as far as to leave me.
"Shall we just lie here, darling? Bea is going to bring up some tea and food - you need to eat - and I'm sure Clare will be joining her. You just know they're downstairs doing all that girly shit, worrying about you and getting all excited about buying baby-grows. Now I realise why there was a search on Clare's iPad for 'cot sheets with the highest thread count'."
I giggle out loud and swat his belly. "There was not."
He laughs with me. "Okay, there wasn't, I didn't hear about any of this until Bea and Daniel just came down and told us. You know he's trying to get hold of Luke now, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Good. We all love you, Tils, and you won't have to do any of this alone. We're here and we'll stay here with you as long as you want us, until Luke sorts his head out and gets back. I'll be your baby-daddy for as long as you need me. Just don't try anything gross..."
I giggle and squeeze him again, gorgeous man. "Don't worry - I'm so not into you. No offence."
"Bloody charming. Thanks for the vote of confidence!" he says, amused.
"Be quiet, you know the whole world and it's sister wants you. And if you know what's good for you... you'll pick the right one." Just because I'm broken right now, doesn't mean I can't give him a point in the right direction - as if he doesn't know it.
"Yeah, yeah."
We lie together in silence for a few more minutes and my mind races, I still don't think I'm quite believing what's happening. But maybe I just need to give him the day, maybe he just needs to get his head straight... but what about? I mean, he's known for a couple of days - and yes - he's been overprotective, but he was fine - we were still kissing and affectionate, he was even holding my tummy and stuff.
He hasn't shown any signs that he would just up and leave... has something happened? Does he have someone else? As easy as it would be to believe that - given the type of man he is - I just don't. He loves me and I know it. I am so confused; broken and thoroughly confused.
As I wipe some fresh tears from my cheek, I hear the door creak open, and Bea and Clare stroll in with trays of tea and snacks. I smile as Clare walks over to me and plonks the tray down on the bed. "We'll get him back. Don't you worry," she says softly and kisses my forehead. "In the meantime, I'm very excited to be able to talk about our exciting news. This trip to Aspen has been quite a celebration, first Bea and Daniel and now you and this little wriggly-bum," she says, touching my belly.
"Congratulations darling," Bea adds, "I'm sorry I didn't say it before, I was away with the fairies."
"Thank you, and don't worry. It wasn't really a 'congratulations' type of moment anyway."
Bea walks around to the side of the bed with my tea, and I shuffle to a seated position, still leaning against Oliver. He's my current rock and he will have to stay there for as long as I need him. If he needs the toilet... tough luck. I take the tea and thank her, before she sits on the edge of the bed next to me. "So..."
"So, can you see it and touch it and talk to it?" I say with a smile, knowing what's coming.
"Exactly!" her eyes sparkle with excitement at my words. I lift Luke's t-shirt, revealing my bump and teeny tiny knickers to my best friends. Oliver rolls his eyes at the sight of my underwear but it doesn't faze him at all. I notice Clare frown a little at my almost-exposed nether regions being displayed in front of Oliver, but I really couldn't care less. We don't see each other that way - and I'm sure he has seen his fair share of female crotches in his lifetime.
Bea gasps and places a warm hand on the little bump. "I can't believe you have a bump and I never even noticed."
"Like I said to Clare and Luke, I have been working pretty hard to try and conceal it."
'Wow..." Oliver says, "So... does it move and everything?"
I nod, loving that he's taking an interest, too. I watch as Clare smiles at him.
We spend a while like that, drinking tea - looking at the bump and talking softly. I put a pair of trousers on, in case Daniel walks in and gets an eyeful of my lace covered pubic region, and I enjoy the distraction of my friends for a while. Every time I remember the situation, I get a huge twang in my belly that makes me feel ill, but I manage not to vomit like the last time. The last time... when I told Luke... ouch. Remembering hurts.
Everyone tries to make me eat one of the fabulous goodies that they brought up from Pam in the kitchen, but I just can't stomach anything. I tried to take a bite of an apple but it was flavourless and sat in my mouth like I was chewing on cloth. I am constantly wondering whether or not Daniel has got hold of him and itching for him to come in the room and give me an update.
When he finally does come to the bedroom, we all look up expectantly. He walks over to the bed and looks down. Oh god - bad news. "What? Daniel? Have you spoken to him?" He nods, slowly, saying nothing. "And? What? Where is he? Is he coming back?" I ask desperately.
"Come on, let's leave them to talk," Bea says, standing and making her way to the door. Oliver kisses my head and releases me to follow the others out.
"What's happening, Daniel? Please tell me something." I ask softly, holding back the tears. He sits on the bed next to me and holds my hand.
"Sweetheart, he's just landed back in LA," he says, tenderly. I frown and drop my chin to my chest immediately as my tears flow. I'm so thoroughly hurt, so heartbroken - how could he possibly do this to me? What is so bad that he couldn't stand to stay with me until the end of the holiday? He actually left me in bed to go to the airport, book a flight and board a plane to get away... When did he book the flight? Had he known he was going?
"He is so worried about you, Til. His head is messed up, he doesn't know what to think or do, all he knew was that he had to go. This is what he said to me."
