Sexy Summers (Sexy Series)
Page 29
I haven't heard anything from Luke since my crazed voicemail and it frustrates me. I so want to hear his happy, sexy voice, feel the tingles that spread across my skin when he laughs, the joy that blooms within when he says something funny or romantic.
I take my phone, deciding to text him.
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28 Dec 14:03
I'm sorry for my voicemail. I am just so frustrated, hurt and so horribly sad, Luke. Please talk to me? Please tell me why you left? I won't get cross - I just want to speak to you. I miss you so much, I can't explain how much I hurt, wanting you. Please explain it all to me? I LOVE you. T. xxx
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I leave the phone on the table and snuggle back into the blanket, pulling it up to my face and watching the heavy snowstorm belting down outside. It's very cosy and if I was here in the arms of my boyfriend... ex-boyfriend... whatever he is now, I would be in my element.
I fall asleep again, the crying too much for my exhausted body to take while it's trying to grow a baby. I am cosy, warm and comfortable and I sleep deeply for a good couple of hours. The vibration of my phone on the table wakes me with a jolt and my hand grabs it faster than lighting, expectantly. My eyes sleepy and blurry, I have to blink a few times to be able to focus clearly on why my phone was vibrating in the first place. Text Message. From... Luke!
I sit up straight and immediately click into the message.
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LA Luke 28 Dec 17:11
I can't. I love you, Tilly, more than anything, and I'm so sorry for what I have done. I am all of the things that you called me, and more. I miss you, too, but please try to move on, it will be easier for you. I will never love anyone like I love you. Goodbye my Princess. xxxx
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I immediately hit reply.
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28 Dec 17:13
Luke! Please don't stop - talk to me, will you call me? Please? It's okay, we'll be okay, I promise. We can take things slower and get you used to it all. It won't be hard, darling, we can do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable about all of this. Just talk to me. Please? Don't say goodbye. xxx
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LA Luke 28 Dec 17:15
Stop it, Tilly. I can't do this, you're too good for this shit, stop trying to 'help' me. I'm an asshole. It's not going to change. I'm sorry. I can't text anymore. We can't speak. Take care of both of you, promise me that. xx
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The frustration build again as do my tears. I'm angry.
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28 Dec 17:16
I'm not promising you anything, you FUCKER. YOU BASTARD.
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I throw my phone on the table and snarl, so disappointed. I had him - he was communicating... and I lost him again. What could I have said differently to have made him talk? How could I have kept him there to remind him of what he's missing? Nothing. Because he's a wanker. A wimpy, wankerish fucking wanker.
~~~~~~~
I spent the rest of the afternoon/early evening up there, collecting my stuff and heading downstairs only for dinner before we left. I didn't contribute to the conversations, I just sat there like a miserable bitch, needing 'me time'.
We left pretty much straight after dinner and as soon as we get home, I run up to Luke's bedroom - where I intend on continuing to stay - and I turn on the shower and start to strip. Don't sit, don't stop. Keep moving and then get straight into bed. I need to totally preoccupy myself with routine until I can go to sleep and forget again.
Oliver offers to sleep with me again tonight, but I decline - I need to be on my own to work through this now. I needed them so much yesterday, but today I am needing alone time, I can't be crowded.
My plan works, and before I know it, I am asleep, heading into tomorrow with - hopefully - less swollen eyes and some emotional stability.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
SATURDAY 29TH DECEMBER
Nothing about waking up this morning was eventful or worthy of remembrance. In fact, everything in my world has gone dull and colourless again. So I will resume functioning much like a zombie, as of a couple of weeks ago.
During breakfast, Clare tells me that the boys are going skiing with all of the folks, and that Alexia and Bea had wanted to have a girls day out in town. It sounds like the last thing I could ever wish to do today, but Clare is so sweet - turning her down would be too hard.
"Please would you come, Til? I thought..." she says as she covers my hand with hers, "well, I thought maybe we could go and buy something little for the baby." Her voice is so gentle and soothing, she could sell a cage to a wild lion - this one.
I roll my eyes and grin, "Okay, okay, you don't need to give me the puppy-dog eyes. I'll come, but please don't expect me to be all lively and shit, okay?"
"Oh goody!" she says, bouncing up and down in her chair.
We meet Bea and Alexia in town after a car picks the two of us up. Strolling around in the cold air is refreshing, but the beautiful fur keeping me warm is a constant reminder of him, and making conversation is tough. Alexia is very smiley and loquacious today, and talks to me a lot more than usual, asking how I am and questions about the baby. She's quite nice really.
Clare leads us to a beautiful baby boutique, smiling and excited. "I wish we knew if it was a boy or a girl, I would love to buy something pink or blue," she says sweetly.
"I know, me too. I haven't bought anything but a pair of socks. When I was feeling really rough, and no one knew, I had to buy something tiny to make myself feel a bit better."
"I can understand that," Bea says, holding the door open for me. The shops smells lovely and the huge array of beautiful baby items is wonderful.
"Oh my god! Oh my god, so cute!" Clare cries, holding up the tiniest, most gorgeous pink, flannelette baby-grow with soft ruffles on the bottom. It is ridiculously cute, if I knew I was having a girl, I would buy it in a heartbeat. "I wonder if they sell it in white..." she says, rummaging around the racks.
"Clare, it is gorgeous, and I do really want it if I am having a girl, but if it's a boy - bottom ruffles really aren't the look I'll be going for."
"Oh yes... didn't really think about that. Does that mean I can't buy a white dress?" she says with a pout.
"He won't be wearing a dress either - if it is a boy, white or not."
"Damn. Can you have a girl then because girls' stuff is so much more cute."
"No! I disagree!" Bea says, "look at this!" She holds up a white vest with a pale blue baby elephant embroidered on the front. It's also very gorgeous.
"Oh my god," Clare says, walking straight over to Bea and snatching it, "can't it just be twins and then you can have one of each! Or... ooh," she looks at Bea with a mischievous look.
"Don't look at me! I'm not having a baby yet, no thank you!" she suddenly looks at me, worried. "Oh god - sorry, I didn't mean... oh, it's not bad that you're pregnant... I meant..."
"Bea, it's fine, I know what you meant. You two are enjoying each other, you will have a baby to make it perfect one day - but for now, you are just loving the time to focus on you. It's lovely, and had Luke and I had the chance - we might still..." I look down, pausing, "well, you know."
Bea rubs my back and I take a deep breath before changing the subject. "I would love to buy something in here, so let's look for something neutral."
I really enjoyed shopping in that little boutique, it reminded me that even though I have lost him, I still have my beautiful baby, and I have so much to look forward to with him or her, even without Luke. It'll be horrible knowing he's missing out on one of the best things to happen to us, but I will be the lucky one, he can fuck right off if he thinks his life is better without our baby.
I bought a gorgeous, white, baby blanket made of the softest most luxurious fabric you could imagine. I adore it. Clare found a little crocheted elephant that she couldn't put down - so she had to buy it for Wriggler, and Bea bought a vest with a little bumble bee on the front. They didn't have to buy anything at all, but they said they couldn't
help themselves, and I know they are trying to cheer me up.
We stroll around leisurely, window shopping and people watching. I am surprised that I feel a little stronger, I mean - I still feel sick every time I think of him or see something that reminds me of him, but I feel okay walking around like this, occasionally contributing to the conversation. Maybe concentrating on the baby for a while is helping. I just wish I could get back home and show him the goodies we bought, share the excitement with him.
Alexia wants to show us a fabulous shop selling all sorts of exquisite accessories. It is warm and cosy in this small, glamorous boutique. The blues music in the background is sexy and fun, a great noise to shop to. There are no other customers in here with us, and the attentive member of staff immediately offers to help Bea as she tries on a beautiful hat. I feel a little exhausted and stand resting against a counter, watching as my friends try things on. I'm not really interested in buying anything, I've just come along for the ride.
The song changes and my mind wanders to Luke, wondering what he's doing, whether or not he's thinking about me, hoping he's boarded another flight to come back to me. Oh, who are you kidding, Til? He's not coming back. Oh dear, that chest pain is back again and my eyes well up as I rest on my elbows and bend to try and ease the pain. I close my eyes and try to gain composure, just listening to the music.
Bad idea. 'I'd rather go blind' by Etta James is probably the worst song to try to compose myself to. I love this song so much, I adore the stunning sound of her voice, but those words, those utterly too-true words are agonisingly real to me. Okay, so she's singing about another woman, but those words take me right back to how I felt when I saw him with Alexia. Funny how things become clear later; there's nothing going on with them at all.
But her first words make me want to scream, 'but nothing told me it was over', I had no clue that he was about to leave me. I wish I had, I might have been able to better prepare myself. I feel every ounce of passion in this song, every ache in the words, it's exactly how I feel and without even knowing it was coming, I sob loudly, and crouch down to the floor.
Luckily, everyone is further towards the back of the small shop, and the music hides my noise. Or so I thought. An arm wraps around me and holds me tightly, and as I look up, Alexia shakes her head. "Shh, just let it out. Cry your heart out," she says, sweetly.
I simply look into her eyes and continue, I can't stop it. She's being so sweet, the song is so painful, and I just can't stop needing Luke. She remains still, kneeling on the ground next to me, hiding behind a rail full of belts. She hugs me hard and comfort me with whispered words.
"I don't know his reasons for leaving, Tilly, but he truly loves you more than anything. I have never seen him so infatuated by a woman, and he told me some wonderful things about you. His face lit up every time we spoke about you, and when you came into a room - wow. You do something to him that I've never seen before. His reasons must be valid, he wouldn't do this to you, easily. I have tried to call him and text him, but we won't take my calls or reply. If I can help in anyway, please tell me. I just want you both together and happy. You belong together."
I attempt to smile but my facial muscles just drag my mouth back down. I attempt to speak and nothing but stutters come out.
"Shh, it's okay, don't speak. Just take some good, long, deep breaths. Here..." she hands me a tissue from her bag. "Wipe your eyes, think happy thoughts. You are so strong, if I were you, I'd be a mess."
"I am!" I manage, pointing to myself with a very slight giggle.
"You're really not. I've had guys screw me over before, and trust me - I couldn't move out of bed for at least three weeks."
I giggle again. She is really sweet, I can see what Bea is talking about now, I'll be sure to keep the steamrollers away from her.
I have calmed down somewhat by the time the other two get back to us with their purchases. "You okay, darling?" Bea asks.
I nod, "Yes, but I think I need to go home now, if you don't mind. You all stay out and have lunch, I'll be fine on my own."
"No, we'll come back, are you all done?" Clare asks, and the other girls nod, so we all head back home together.
When we arrive, I excuse myself and go straight up to Luke's room and sit on the bed, cuddling up to the pillow. I wonder if Alexia will mind if I take it home with me...
I have another little cry and a long think about the situation. It's time for me to realise that he's gone and he's not coming back. I just wish I could talk to him to say goodbye properly, to have a pleasant conversation where I'm not screaming at him - just to end things a little better. I pick up my phone to try to call him, but as I had expected, he doesn't answer and it wrenches my heart just a little.
I decide play some music on my phone and for some torturous reason, I play that song that I love so much, the one that was going around in my head the other day when he left; 'Goodbye my lover' by James Blunt. It's so beautiful and it hurts so much, but I can't stop listening. It's everything I'm feeling right now, but I want him to hear it, to know how I feel.
I grab my iPad and open up a new email. I have to send him something, if he won't talk to me.
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To: Luke Summers
From: Me
Subject: Please let me say goodbye.
Attachment: 1
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Luke,
I love you, I miss you, but I always knew this might be too much. I'm sorry I kept it from you for so long, I was afraid to lose you, and obviously, I was right to be afraid. But if I could re-do everything, I would do it exactly the same way, just so that I could get that time with you again.
I don't know your reasons, I wish I did, all I know is that you have them and I will respect that. Neither of us asked for this, but I'll be honest with you and say that I feel more than blessed to have your child growing inside my body. If he's anything like you, he'll be a wonderful human being, and I'm lucky to be his mother.
Of course, I will never forget you; every time I look at my baby, I will think of you, want you and miss you. I don't think I will ever be able to stop loving you, not only because you're the only man I have ever needed, other than my dad, but because you have given me this precious gift. I will forever be grateful to you, for that.
I need to say goodbye to you now, and it's so difficult, my beautiful, big bad-boy.
I love you, I miss you, I don't know how I will live without you. I know I will never be alone, but I'll always be hollow without you.
Tillifer xxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. I have attached the link to a song I would like you to listen to. Listen to the words, from me, to you. X
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Sent from my iPad
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I hit send and curl up against the headboard, wondering what he'll do when he reads it. If he reads it.
Bea knocks on the door and pops her head around, "You okay, doll?"
"I'm... okay. Actually, no, not really. I feel like shit."
She comes into the room and sits on the bed with me. "We're all supposed to be going to this wine and cheese thing later, do you fancy it?"
"What wine and cheese thing?"
"You know - that event in the Aspen 'Twelve days of Christmas' thing... at the Sky Hotel, a wine and cheese tasting."
"Oh... what time?" I say, unenthusiastically.
"Four until Six-thirty."
"Honestly, I really don't feel like it. Do you mind if I don't come?"
"Not at all, darling, but we will miss you. Would you like me to stay here with you? I totally don't mind - it might be fun!"
"No, please go - I love you and thank you, but I just want to sleep and be quiet on my own."
"I understand. No worries," she says, rubbing my arm, "Just text me whenever you need me, okay? Daniel has been calling Luke non-stop, you know. We'll get this sorted."
"Thank you. But things aren't going to change, this is it now and I have to accept it, I can't force him to want to be with us, and if he doesn't want
it more than anything else in the world, then I really don't need him as much as I thought. Me and Wriggler need more than that."
"Don't give up."
"I'm not fighting for someone who wouldn't fight for me, Bea."
She smiles and nods in understanding. "Okay. I love you, try to relax and enjoy the afternoon."
"I will."
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
TUESDAY 1ST JANUARY
Happy New Year. Or miserable new year, if you're me. What a sorry few days these last few have been. After Bea left me to my own devices on Saturday, I spent the day wallowing in the bedroom. I ventured out onto the patio in the freezing cold, with the duvet and a cup of tea, and I curled up in the chair and slept again. I'm doing a lot of sleeping, but I have needed it, and this crying is really wearing me out.
I woke up in the evening, freezing cold, so I had a hot bath and went straight back to sleep again. At least I enjoyed my first half of the holiday; right now, I am just sitting by, waiting for the time I can go back home and indulge in myself pity in the comfort of my own room. I also need to get planning, looking for a new home and thinking about how I can look after the baby on my own, whilst still earning money to live.
Yesterday, New Years Eve, I went for a walk outside again, but that was yet another painful reminder. I should have known something was wrong the last time when I fell asleep out here. He went crazy at me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that - maybe I should have been more careful so he didn't worry so much. Oh, I don't know, there are so many 'maybes' it's ridiculous, I'm not to know what I could have done differently.
There was a huge New Years Eve party here at Alexia's house last night and I couldn't even face going downstairs. There were people overflowing from room to room, and I just wanted the solace of my own space. My wonderful friends came upstairs with a champagne glass of sparkling Apple juice for me, to toast in the New Year, and that incredibly thoughtful, newly engaged couple didn't even have a midnight pash, to save my feelings. Of course I physically pushed them out onto the patio and told them to snog, or else. Everyone who can, should snog at midnight.