by Lovell, Dani
I'm not used to getting into this airport from a domestic flight, but I manage to get to my bag as quickly as I can, through passport control and straight out to meet the driver who swiftly gets me packed up in the car. Wow... I'm actually on my way to see him. My stomach rumbles noisily and I wriggle around in the seat, desperately trying to ease the anxiety. It's not working. Oh god. I'm so nervous I could definitely use a toilet before we get there, I'm absolutely crapping myself.
I know the name of Luke's apartment complex by heart, and of course, the driver knows where it is anyway - he's one of Daniel's drivers. It's about twenty five minutes of sheer terror. What the hell is going to happen? I mean, I need to see him, I can't get there quick enough, but I'm so scared of what he'll do or say when he sees me. Oh fuck...
We pull up outside part of the complex, and I ask the driver to hold on to my luggage. I'm not dragging a suitcase all over the place. I jump out of the car and walk quickly towards his apartment. I hope he's there, I hope he answers... holy shit, I hope he's alone. I stop dead in my tracks. Fuck, what is he's with someone? Ouch... that hurts. I take a deep breath. If he's with someone, Til, he's with someone, and you need to know about it and get the fuck over him. Come on, you can do this...
I nod to myself as confirmation; I'm doing it. I continue to walk at a fast pace, my heart pounding and my lungs working overtime. As soon as I see his door, I start to run, I can't get there soon enough, I need him. I near and pause as I approach, noticing that it's ajar with cleaning products holding it open.
I take a deep breath and push it, stepping over the products and into the hallway. The vacuum cleaner is growling from the lounge and I see his maid, turned away from me. I look in the kitchen to my left, no - not in there, and I step forwards a few steps to put my head around the doorway of the den... not in there either.
Two more deep breaths, and I'm making my way up the stairs, tentatively. I reach the top and tip-toe to his bedroom, hoping to god that I find him alone. When I reach his room, I find his door wide open, and I step inside and walk through to the main area.
There he is, beautiful, semi naked, sitting on the end of his bed, his legs apart, elbows on his knees and his head resting in his hands. His phone is on the bed at his side. He looks gorgeous. Tears immediately run down my cheeks, my heart hurts with how much I love him.
He looks sad, helpless, confused. I so want to help him. I sniff, without thinking, and he shakes his head. "Honestly, I'm fine, you can go - you don't need to stay any longer, the place is spotless..." he says softly, without looking up.
I remain silent, just staring at him, resting my weight against the wall at my side. I can't move, I can't talk, I can only gaze and weep at the sight of my big, strong man looking so weak and tired. I haven't even seen his face, but his body just sitting there like that, looks so... defeated. What is it?
"Please... I'll be fine..." he says and turns to look at me. He stills and his mouth drops open as his eyes run from my feet to my eyes and back again. I frown as the tears turn into sobs, and he stands and clenches his fists. "I... what..." he says, before he storms towards me and I have absolutely no idea what is coming next. Is he happy or sad? Angry?
He surprises me by wrapping me tightly in his arms and squeezing me so hard, I can barely breathe. I hold on tight, pressing my face into his bare chest to soak in all the Luke I can get. He releases me suddenly and drops to his knees, pulling my top up and yanking my tracksuit bottoms down below my belly. He hugs me, pressing his face against Wriggler, kissing over and over again, repeating the whispered words, "I'm sorry, I love you."
I thread my fingers in his hair as I cry. Watching this grown man down on his knees, talking to my belly, desperate and needy. His arms wrapped tightly around my hips, he doesn't let go. He just kneels there, holding me, whispering to Wriggler.
I reach around and pull his hands from my bottom, and crouch down to join him on the floor. I hold his face, tears filling his eyes, and I kiss him softly. "I missed you too much, Luke. I need to know."
He looks down and immediately back into my eyes as he nods. "I know... I just... I can't."
Anger rises, unexpectedly. "You can't what for fucks sake? You need to tell me! How could you do this? Have you any idea what you did to me? You bastard!" I cry, smacking him on the arm. He doesn't flinch, but it felt good. "Bastard! You.... you bastard!" I cry, over and over, smacking him harder. I growl loudly in frustration and slap him in the face. He doesn't even move, he just sits there and takes it... what the hell is wrong with him?
I break down against his chest, as his arms wrap around me, comforting me. I sob my heart out, squeezing him tightly, praying that I don't have to let go of him again.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers, "I hate that you're like this, and I know it's my fault. I'm sorry. Is the baby okay? Are you... are you okay?" he asks.
I nod. "Yes... we're okay. Considering."
"I know. I... I can't believe you're here... I was just thinking about you on your journey back to London and thinking about booking a flight out tonight... I can't cope without you, I'm just such a mess, I don't know what to do, Til."
I sit up and wipe my cheeks with my fingers. "I know exactly what you can do, sweet-cheeks," I say, adding a little bit of humour into the situation because we sure as hell need it. "We're going to go over there and get into bed and you're going to hold me really tight and tell me what all of this is about. I know and you know that we're going to be happier together. Nothing you say can be that bad."
He nods. "Okay. It's hard for me, I don't like to talk about it."
"Okay, I understand that, darling, but this is me. You can tell me anything and I will still love you. I need to know what this is so we can work through it, I need to know your issue with having a baby. Or a girlfriend, but I don't think the girlfriend is the problem."
"No, it's not," he says quietly.
We both stand and I strip down to my underwear, Luke watching me the entire time, his gaze frequently returning to my belly. I climb into bed and he follows, scooping me up into his arms. He inhales deeply and snuggles into me.
"I have missed you so much. The minute I got on the plane I knew I had made a mistake, but every time I think about the baby, and the way I was acting with you - I get a panic attack and feel like this will be best for you."
"Okay, is it because you're scared to be a dad?" I ask, softly, I really do want to understand this so we can work through it, together.
"No. I'm not afraid to be a father, not at all. I like that idea."
I smile, that's a relief. But... then what is it? "Well that's good... so what is the problem? I'm so confused Luke."
"I know, and it's just... you might not even think it's a lot - but it's issues I have, that I need to overcome. It's a big deal to me."
"Okay, it's fine. I want to understand..."
He squeezes me tightly and nuzzles his nose into my neck. It's so soothing, his hands touching my body, his face against my skin... it's hard to concentrate.
"I know I made a mistake. I realised today that I would have to come after you and to work through my issues." He takes another deep breath before he continues. "Do you remember the girl I told you about? The one who I kept it in my pants for?"
"Oh yes... the mysterious one..." This is to do with her?
He nods. "Yes, the mysterious one. She wasn't mysterious, I just don't like to talk about it, we were young and I got... affected by stuff."
"What happened? Oh my god..." It dawns on me. "She got pregnant?"
He holds me close and kisses my neck. "Yeah. This is really hard for me."
"I know. Take your time."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Okay," he pauses briefly, "we were nineteen. It was an accident, we didn't plan it, and didn't tell anybody when we found out. But... I loved her, or so I thought, and we decided that we'd forget college, move in together and be a family."
"At nineteen?" I ask,
shocked.
"Yeah. I felt adult enough to take care of her and a child, so we just... agreed to do it."
"Wow. So... you have a child?" I ask, absolutely flabbergasted, this is something he seriously should have told me.
He pauses again and shakes his head. "No."
"Oh god," I say, holding his hands that are pressed firmly against my belly.
"We moved in together, it wasn't right, we argued all the time, she wanted to keep going out to parties, I wanted her to stay at home. I got mad and she hated me for it. Then one day, we were having another fight, she started getting mad and then doubled over in pain."
"Oh god..." I am so upset by what he's telling me, what he must have gone through, and then I am reminded of my own doubling over moment on Christmas Day, and I wonder what on earth must have been going through his head.
"She lay down for a while and the pain got a little better, so we thought maybe this was normal. Then, later on in the evening, it happened again, only this time she was bleeding real bad. It turns out she'd been having pains for a while, but she thought it might be normal. We hadn't had an ultrasound because it was still early days."
"Oh Luke..." I say, turning in his arms and holding him tightly against me, pained by what he had to go through.
"We lost the baby. We hadn't even told our parents yet, she was still in the first trimester."
"Darling... I don't know what to say."
"Nothing, baby, it is what it is. We moved back home with our families afterwards, and broke up pretty much straight away. At first, she told me I had caused it, by fighting with her all the time, that people shouldn't get stressed when they're pregnant, and although I know now that it wasn't that - she did call me a few years later to apologise for saying those things - I just never got it out of my head that I had something to do with it."
"So this whole time, you've been worrying that something is going to happen to our baby, and that it'll be your fault?"
"Maybe... I don't know, Princess. I just couldn't handle making you so upset all the time, we kept fighting."
"But we weren't fighting that badly, Luke, that wouldn't have an impact on the baby."
"Then there was the whole constipation issue..."
Wow, thinking back to the hospital... now I understand why he was so weird... it was all too real for him... he'd been there before. "Oh Luke..." I begin to cry again, my poor man, he must have been so horribly tormented by all of this.
"It was only today that it really struck me, I had probably done more damage by leaving, than anything else. I just couldn't stand to be there, making you mad because I was so paranoid, knowing I might lose you in the end. Both of you. It felt easier for me to leave you and know that I'm not going to drive you away, or have to go through all of that again, believing I am to blame."
"Darling," I say, sniffling, "you didn't cause that miscarriage, and if anything like that happened to me, it couldn't possibly be your fault. These things just happen. Me getting mad and shouting at you won't harm Wriggler, and your paranoia could never drive me away. It only shows me how much you care for us. I need you, you need to look after us, be with us all the time. Your baby was still very, very young when that happened, you were only in the first twelve weeks..."
"Nine."
It breaks my heart that he remember this all so clearly. "Exactly, nine weeks is so little. You have seen Wriggler, you have seen the scans and heard the heartbeat. Doesn't that make you feel better?"
"Honestly? Not really. It makes me think how much more I have to lose. I love you so much it hurts, and Wriggler, too. I think I would die if anything happened to you. I know how it felt to lose that first baby and I don't think I can do that again."
"I can't guarantee you anything, Luke, but Wriggler is doing fine in there, he's break-dancing right about now. I can't do this on my own, I need you. We'll be stronger together, whatever the future has in store for us. But right now, we have a lovely little baby on the way, and we need to celebrate that - not worry about something that will probably never happen."
He nods with a smile and lifts the covers to look down at my tummy, "I know you're right. I'm so sorry about everything. I should have told you, but it's so hard for me to talk about - especially to you... I don't want to worry you. I thought you might panic that it'll happen to you, too, knowing it's happened to me before."
"Luke, we have to let nature do its thing, however it goes. Maybe that's easier for me because I get to feel this life growing and moving around."
"Maybe. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for coming to me. Thank you for being you and for looking after our baby the way you do. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you weren't being the most perfect mommy-to-be."
"I understand now, I only wish you'd have felt you could have told me this earlier. It explains so much, and now that I know, we can work through it, together. It wasn't that bad after all, was it?"
"Actually, no. It was a lot easier to talk about than I thought it would be. You're the best baby-momma ever."
I giggle as he kisses me crazily all over my face and neck, breaking the sombre mood. "Thank you, hot baby-daddy. By the way - she's moving a lot more over the last few days and I can feel it so much."
He smiles excitedly and wriggles his way down the bed to hold my little bump in his big hands. He makes me laugh as he starts talking to it.
"Hey, baby, it's me, daddio, what's cookin'? So someone told me you've got taste buds now... how cool is that? You're growing up fast in there..."
Hang on... I didn't tell him that... "Have you read the development stage page?"
"Sure have, I downloaded it on my iPad as soon as I got home, same one as you got. I wanted to know what's going on in there."
I smile so broadly. Thank god I came here. Although it sounds like he'd have been coming to see me if I hadn't. "Luke, you can be as paranoid as you like, okay? We can work through this together, I'll tell you everything I feel, you can come to all of the appointments, we'll do whatever it takes to make you comfortable about the pregnancy. Just promise me you'll tell me everything that worries you."
"I will," he says, crawling back up my body and straddling me on his strong arms and knees. He kisses me softly.
"And never, ever leave me again."
"I won't..." he says, kissing me again, moving his soft lips all over my face and neck.
"And promise me... promise me..." I moan, closing my eyes and arching into his body as he kisses and licks my neck indulgently.
"Mmm hmm?"
"Promise me you'll make love to me every day, properly, no holding back... fuck me and fuck me good. It won't hurt the baby at all."
He growls, grinding his pelvis into me, his erection digging into my leg, "I'm gonna fuck you so good, baby, all night long, and again in the morning, and then again at lunch time..." he says as I wrap my legs around his waist and he positions himself.
"Yeah..." I moan, desperately anticipating the ecstasy ahead.
"Yeah." he responds as he pushes slowly inside me, making me cry out.
The door suddenly closes and we both jump, looking at each other, what the...
"Whoops, I guess the maid didn't see you arrive..." he says, and we both laugh out loud. It's so typical that we have spent a whole week in Aspen, fucking every which way possible, but only when we're having sex in a bed in Luke's bedroom, do we get caught.
CHAPTER TWENTY
THURSDAY 3RD JANUARY
Waking up this morning is perfect. I am, of course, tightly wrapped in my man's huge arms, erection digging into my bum cheek and gorgeous, soft lips caressing my face and neck.
"Mmm... good morning, bad-boy..."
"Good morning my Princess," he mumbles, his voice so low and gravelly... sexy beast!
"I like this..."
"I like it, too," he says, holding my hip and rolling me onto my back. He crawls down the bed again and kisses my tummy, chatting away to it under the covers, making me laugh.
"
So, mommy is moving to California to be with Papa Bear, how cool is that?" he says.
I lift up the covers and look at him, smiling. "She has quite a lot to do first, darling."
He comes back up to lay next to me. "Sure. I thought we'd fly back next week, after you've let me bone you for a few days," I giggle as he continues, "and then we can sort out you leaving your job, getting all of your stuff over here and the logistics of a Brit living in the States. There'll be a lot of paperwork. I also want you to show me around, and take me to go meet your dad."
"My dad?" I ask, confused.
"Sure, I want you to introduce us, he needs to meet his grandbaby's daddy. You can take me to where he is and we can sit there all day and talk about him. Okay?"
I well up and swallow that huge lump in my throat, hard. I nod and smile at him, stroking his handsome face with my fingers, he's perfect.
"Great. So let's get some flights booked in a little while, okay?"
I sniff and compose myself. "Yeah, sounds good, but it's going to cost a pretty penny, all of these flights, I need to sort out my finances first."
"I was thinking about that, too, sugar-lips, do you want to be a stay-at-home mom, or are you going to want to work?"
"I don't know yet. If we need the money, maybe I can find something that fits in with being a mum, as best it can?"
"You won't need to work, Til, but if you want to, you could work with me."
"What?" I cry, "I'm no fitness trainer darling, and you should know that.
"Oh - that's right, we didn't discuss this part. So, I'm not just a personal trainer, that's what I have done for 'fun'. I told you I'd stop doing that now, right?"
"Right... so what else do you do?"
"I own fitness centres and sports clubs around the US. I don't tell people about it, it's something I own, but I have a lot of people working for me, making it easier for me to live a different life. I do get involved, I just keep that part of my life separate, I never saw myself as a serious business type and I didn't want anyone else to either, but deep down, I love it.
