Guignol's Band

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  But there was no real harm in all that. I remember that he was respected, even by his enemies, even by the worst bulls of the Yard, who were nevertheless low cheap bellyachers, greedy and jealous. I’ve said that he was well thought of, the man was certainly imposing, but there were also the presents, that was his generous side, he scattered gold right and left… Matthew would turn up from time to time with his District Constable, a matter of not being forgotten… to see whether things were going properly… whether the Boarding House was in order… whether the “licence” was in the frame… whether everyone was “registered”, with photos, fingerprints and everything!… That it was wartime! Be careful!… He knew the rigmarole!… It was always reeled off the same way!… They’d arrive as serious as can be, like that, right after lunch… looking as if they had a lot on their minds! As if they were after something! A nasty trick! As if they were some phenomenal pot of roses!… And then bumpitty-bump-bump!… It was only a tin can and eyewash!… Just that the squeeze was late, and so the sudden concern… The thing was arranged as usual with the little present… They’d leave happy and spoilt, except for the two or three rough times… That’s how life went… But now… no more of that!… The tune was different!… Cascade felt it all, that it wasn’t all easy sailing now that the guys were leaving… Not by a long shot! Take it easy! He wasn’t having any pipe dreams!… He didn’t find it much fun inheriting eleven girls all at once!… It didn’t thrill him at all!… Even if there’d been ten times as many, it wouldn’t have turned his head!… Don’t get any wrong ideas! For the women it wasn’t the same thing! It’s the moment that counts with them!… All they had to do was drink and smoke! And yowl! And guzzle! And not a damned thing more! There was no more discipline… they were cuddling together all over the beds as consolation for their sorrows, and their endless sobbing! The widows were managing fine together, there was nothing terrible after all, it wasn’t as killing as all that, the work went on, you just had to see the bright side of things… and then write often to the men and send them their packages… arrangements were made… They’d write once a week.

  “We’re widows, Cascade! We’re widows!”

  They came sitting on his lap, announcing the fact, nibbling at his moustache… also wetting him with tears!… So that he’d share their sorrows… And then another swig! Calva and little cakes!… Cascade didn’t want them to smoke… no end of arguing! He thought it was plain awful, damned whorish…

  “You’ll have teeth like horses! Yellow and repulsive! Your customers’ll never get a hard-on! I’d never screw you if you smoked!” And then he asked for the cards again… He was getting back to Joconde…

  “Well, you going to work on them, sweetheart?”

  He was getting impatient.

  “Goddamn it! You going to start?”

  “Why don’t you kizz me any more? Because your zlut is looking at you?”

  She let that one fly! Right in Angèle’s mug! And in front of all the women! Did they laugh! Angèle couldn’t let that go by! It was too much of an insult in front of everyone!

  “What was that? What was that? You old bitch! You come up here to insult me? You old shit! You old punk! You old rag!… Scram before I throw you out! I won’t take any of your crap! You scum! Back to the sewer!”

  That was Angèle, red hot! She was wild!… Some of the girls were for, some against! What yelling in both camps!

  “She’s got a right!” some were saying…

  Hearing that made Carmen jump!

  “A right! A right! A right shit! I’ll show you her right!”

  Steaming away at the nostrils…

  “I’m going to turn her inside out!”

  The crying stopped dead!… Angèle was a fury! She set herself against the buffet and was going to jump on the old hag! To tear her hair out then and there!

  “Just a little, a little!” the girls were saying… They were working them up. Always standing up for rights!

  “A little!… A little!… A little what? I’ll show her the rights of my arse! Come on, you witch!”

  That was provocation!

  Cascade jumped between them… That got Joconde real excited! She got wilder!

  “I want him to kizz me or I won’t do them!”

  That’s how she was talking about the cards… she was showing them!… Spread fanwise! She was fanning herself with them! Swaggering!… Cascade didn’t know where to stand!… Or what to do, or say!… He’d lost all patience! Then the explosion!

  “Gentlemen, this has been going on for twenty years!… And I’ve been putting up with this kind of nonsense!”

  He was calling us to witness… Jealousy and pig-headedness!

  “I’ve had enough! Bah! I’m getting the hell out!”

  His mind was made up.

  Then the big hysteria broke loose!… Angèle threw a fit, she was foaming, and with a nervous laugh!… Boy, she started snorting! And twitching!… She couldn’t stop… She was ripping her clothes, shrieking, tearing at herself, kicking in tears, on the floor! At her cruel man’s feet!… What a Trafalgar!… Her bun came off, and flew apart… He was walking in her hair, tangled in it!… What screams! He didn’t know where to stand!… She yelled worse!

  “My jewel! My darling! My love! Don’t do that! Don’t go away, Cascade!… Don’t go away!… I’ll be nice! Stay with your girl! I beg you, Cascade! I beg you! I won’t pester you! It’s her!… Listen, pet!… Kiss them all! But not her! Not that hag, you hear! Not that hag! She’ll give you the jinx! I know! I know! Take all the girls!… Lay them! I want you to! I’m giving them to you! Wah! Wah! Wah! But not that hag! Oh! Not the hag! Oh! Dear heart, that! My angel! I couldn’t! I’ll kill her! I’ll find girls for you! Say I’m jealous! Wah! Wah! Since you enjoy it! I’ll bring you one every day! I’ll pimp for you if you want!… But not that bitch, you hear! Not her!… I’ll get you some from outside! I won’t deny you any pleasure!… But not the bitch! Not her! You’re driving me to the limit! You’re breaking my heart! But don’t go away, my darling!”

  “You, my jewel, you’re a pest! There! You hear me?… There!… You slut!”

  She bucked right up and awful and let him have it!

  “Just look at that broken-down wreck! That grandfather with one foot in the grave trying to cheat on me! He’s a fine one! Who took him out of the gutter? Who’d have rotted away in jail? Who’s he putting on an act with now?… With a dead mutt! Yes, Madame! You old slob! Exactly! If that’s not enough to make you puke! Just look at her!”

  She points to Joconde…

  Immediate laughter on her side… Cascade doesn’t look too good!…

  “Monsieur wants her to read the cards! That old low-down punk! Monsieur isn’t satisfied now with his vices! Now he wants futures!… He’s after minors!… Monsieur Fresh-Meat!… I’ll read the cards for you!… It’ll be something!… Let me tell you!”

  “Shut your mouth! Come here, Carmen! Here, my little baby! Whoops, darling, in my lap!”

  The old one doesn’t wait to be begged!… She dashes forward!… There she is!… Some sight!… The two of them necking! Hoopla! Hoop! Dada! Perfect love! Fade-out!

  What an effect! What a trance! The girls laughed till it hurt!… They were choking! They roared!… They were peeing in their panties! They were splitting so that they couldn’t hold themselves in!

  They were yelling at the top of their lungs… “Encore!… Encore!” and then the lyric:

  Your big gentle eyes

  Have enchanted my heart!

  For the rest of my li-i-i-ife!

  “Li-i-i-ife!”… That sets it off! Got to get high all together! They’re off-key! Floundering! Miaowing! Roaring away! Enough to crack the windows!… The voices get together again, they start over! Boro gives them the key… he’s an angel when it comes to the piano! Never an impatient oath!… First it’s for Victory!… They screa
m it a half-dozen times! Toasts with real cognac! Not cheap rotgut! No! Sealed, signed six stars from the cellar of the lords at the Savoy… genuine stuff! Got it straight from the wine waiter! They call him Monsieur Gustave, Dry Gustave! A tall, pale chap who comes every Thursday or Friday to be whipped by Mireille… No whipping unless he brings cognac! That’s the condition, sometimes she sulks at him for a whole month when he’s stingy! Dry Gustave would turn thief for his whipping! Mireille can sting! Ought to see the whip she carries around!… It’s something different from English brandy, that paint-shop mixture!… The bottle goes right around, the lords’ brandy perfumes your whole character! Heart, guts, everything!… Life smooths off!… Enterprising decisions… Everyone trying to be most gallant!… Even Boro, who was rather orderly when it came to girls and screwing, who was rather for music, took his broad in his lap and was giving her a workout! He was playing with one hand! Looking jaunty! Cascade with the good cognac in his belly wanted everything patched up… no more sulking!… No pig-headedness!… He wanted Angèle to dry her tears, to joke and sing with spirit!… They’d read the cards together!…

  “Come on, pet! Come on, pet! Come!”

  She wouldn’t have it!… Didn’t want anything! Didn’t want to laugh! She was all tied up inside and that was all!… She was yelling any old thing at him!… “You cuckold! You decrepit old prickhead!” She wanted a fight…

  “You lump! Men like you! A pound a dozen!” That’s what she said. “Give me the red wine, Véronique, red wine!”

  Véronique was club-footed, squint-eyed and redheaded, she did the stations… A very nice girl, rather discreet, obedient. Véronique gave her the bottle… Cascade jumped up, he wouldn’t have it!… Ah! He suspected what was up! He knew about her and bottles! She was going to let her have it in the mouth! He grabbed hold of her on the run!… She resisted… She clung, she scratched! A kick in the schnozzle! She toppled over, sprawled out, and yowled… Joconde sees her chance, her rival on the floor! Throws herself on top with all her weight! She wants to rip her face apart!… She’s a man-eater! Got to bleed! Cascade’s forced to jump in!… Joconde’s yowling louder!…

  “You filth! I don’t have a wig! Do your damnedest, you bitch!”

  More challenges!

  She’s mounted on Angèle and screaming in her ear, “I don’t have a wig, you filth!… Pull on it! You skunk!”

  “Wait with the wig! Wait, you tramp!”

  Joconde’s choking!… Hooked up together like that!… But Angèle’s stronger, she twists the old one’s arm, she flattens her on her back!… Now she’s on top… Biting her cheeks with her fangs, like that… grr! And grr!

  The old gal’s waving her arms, squirming… Angèle grabs her again full of blood!… She’s going to turn her upside down… bang her head…

  Cascade still wants to separate them! He dashes forward to save the bottles! He trips! Upsets the table! All the glassware! Crrash!

  The old one gets away, tucks up her skirt, capering about, dashing between the tables… the girls run after her!… She gets away, jiggling, fluttering, it’s wonderful to watch! Stumbles, stops! She stands there, planted… she winks… she takes out her castanets… Ah, it’s a big challenge!… And stamps her heel!… She’s a fury!… It’s a dance!… A trance!… Her fingers all nerves!… Her hands quivering all over!… Crackling, spluttering!… Small… small… tiny… still smaller… grains… grains… mill… even still smaller… trr!… Trr!… Grainy… grainy… rrr!… That’s all!… Silence!… And… tzix!… She’s off again!… The devil’s tail!… The tail’s caught!… Trr!… Rebounds!… Hup!… Her whole train!… And roundabouts! And twirls! Bounding like a panther! At the end of the room! Her train running after her!… Over there!… Hop it!… She’s here!… A kick at her furbelow!… Hup! Sweeping off! Angèle’s foaming… That’s the limit! She can’t take any more!

  “You won’t do it, you punk! You won’t do it!” she screams!… And she stands there motionless, staring popeyed… Just hypnotized!… And then, hup! Without time to say oof! She’s up in the air! She sprang up! A knife in her fist! I see the blade!… Plop!… She launches out!… Plunges it sideways!… Plup into the old one! Right in the arse!… In the old one’s arse! What a shriek!… It cuts through everything! Tears everything!… The walls!… The blinds!… The street! They must have heard it from the square… They fall over one another!… I look at the door there wide open!… I take another squint!… Matthew’s standing there!… In the doorway!… No one saw him come!… He saw a real show!… Joconde sure bounded!… With the knife in her arse! She’s jumping all around screaming… she’s running all around us!… She’s yelling “Help!” She’s squeezing her arse in her two hands… flying all around!… All around the table!… Ow! Wow! Wow!… All around us!… She’s miaowing!… We’re nice and quiet!… We look all right!… Not a peep out of Matthew!… Cascade bolts like lightning!… He runs after Joconde!…

  “Where’d she stick you, tell me! The bitch!… Where’d she stick you, tell me, Mimine?”

  “There! Sweet darling!… There!… Ow! Wow! Ouch!”

  And she starts sobbing and sobbing away!…

  She stops running all the same!… She lifts up her skirt… She shows him her arse… all bleeding!… How it’s flowing from the wound!… How it’s trickling!… All the girls lean over to see better… What it looks like? Two lips like a mouth! Right in the buttocks… and how it’s bleeding!…

  They start discussing it again.…

  “Don’t cry!”… Cascade’s consoling her… He kisses her… coddles her… rocks her… Right away she starts yelling as loud as she can! Angèle’s standing there flabbergasted… she’s sniffing… sobbing… doesn’t know what it’s all about! She drops her knife… plock!… The sound it makes…

  They’ve got to decide now!… Got to take her to the hospital! Cascade’s giving orders… Ah! It starts all over!… At the word hospital!…

  “I want to die here!” she roars.

  “You won’t die here, you slut!”

  She doesn’t insist.

  “I’ll die wherever you want, darling! But kizz your unhappy little girl!”

  Has to kiss her again… She’s bleeding all over the floor.

  Her wound keeps trickling… We take a look at it…

  “You’ve got a pretty arse, you know, you little rascal?”

  He’s the one who thought that one up… He tries to make her laugh… so she’ll let herself be convinced quietly… so she’ll leave without a fuss… so she won’t bellow in the street while they’re taking her.…

  “Look! Look!” says Cascade… “Look! You’re not the only one with a nice arse!”

  He’s unbuttoning himself!… Some idea!… He lets down his pants so we can see!… He shows us his can!… That it’s tattooed on both buttocks!… A rose on the right… a wolf’s face on the left!… A face with long teeth, just like that!… And over it… “I bite everywhere!”… tattooed in green. You can’t say it’s not funny!… It’s some show for Matthew standing there in the doorway… still saying nothing… Cascade hasn’t noticed him… he’s too busy on the floor on all fours!… wiggling his can, jigging… with his little polka…

  Matthew didn’t budge… He had a good view… I didn’t dare move either… The old gal finally burst out laughing… He managed her!… Ah! He’s a scream!…

  The Queen of England

  Fell on her behind

  Dancing the polka

  At the Opera Ball!

  He was singing at the same time!

  Good humour was restored!… The old gal was still whimpering a little… But between smiles… and she was ready to leave…

  “Boro!” he says… “And you, Foxy!… You’ll both take her!”

  He’s buttoning his pants.

  “You’ll ask for Clodovitz! London Hospital! Dr Clodovitz!… Will you remember? You’ll say
I sent you! Mireille, go get a taxi! You hear me, Mireille! And you two guys! Snap it up! Clodovitz knows me! He knows me! He knows what I need!… And don’t screw things up! That I’m around!… And I’ll be there!… I’ll drop by! In a couple of days! Get going! He’ll understand me!… Clodovitz is a friend!… Clovis!… Go on, baby doll! We love you!… Go on, get a move on!”

  He was shipping her off!…

  She was still holding her behind, she was squeezing it in her two hands!… She was groaning again!…

  “Good God! It’z not zat!… Goddamn it!”

  Now she didn’t want to leave any more! Boy! Some shitty mess!

  The blood was dripping all over again… the floor!… The rugs, all soaked!…

  Oop! Cascade spots the Inspector! Ah! All the same!… He saw him!… What a gasp!… He starts jabbering right off…

  “Oh! I beg your pardon, Inspector! Excuse me! I didn’t see you! Wouldn’t you think there’d been a crime?… What would people imagine? Oh! Inspector! Oh! Just look at that!… Oh! I’m very upset!”

  All of it, of course, jokingly… But Matthew wasn’t laughing… he was standing there planted in the doorway… not a word out of him yet… not even “Well! Well!” as usual… Absolutely nothing… a wooden pole!

  “Angèle, go get some towels! And the cotton!… There’s some downstairs in my drawer!”

  Angèle stood there dreaming… Whack!… She’s swept away! A slap!… Lifted out of her chair… she falls back!… Badaboom!… The whole stairway!… She tumbles down three flights!… That wakes the girls right up!… They’d been watching fascinated like dopes! They wrap up the old gal in the tablecloth like a sausage… turned over… laced up… and the towels… the pads… all the same it’s bleeding!… Angèle brings some oilcloth… they lay the old gal on her belly… They swathe her like a baby… It’s still a good joke…