“Why are you taking a half day?” Daichi asked.
I forgot I had told him I was taking the afternoon off. “Oh, she asked me to go to a court case.”
His head whipped to look at me. “Hers?”
“Oh, no, no.” I chuckled. “She’s taking Criminal Justice 101. It’s a requirement. She asked me to come. I imagine it won’t be the most exciting thing.”
“You scared me, there,” he said as the truck turned off the road and into the familiar parking lot. “I don’t want you dating any criminals, now.”
Kristen
“Oh, how kind of you,” I said, letting my hand fall onto Will’s bicep as he held the courthouse door open.
“You’re embarrassing,” he said, the joy on his face betraying his true thoughts. “No wonder Chris doesn’t like going out in public with you.”
“I’ll have you know Chris loves me very much,” I responded.
We walked to the directory in the lobby. I pulled the paper with the courtroom number out of my pocket. “Okay, so two-B…”
“Here.” He pointed on the map.
“Is hand-holding allowed in courthouses?” I asked. With Will, I wanted to make sure I made a concerted effort. For that, I’d have to show him my interest.
“I don’t know, you’re the criminal justice student. But I’m willing to risk it,” he said. His hand snaked its way into mine as we made our way to courtroom 2B.
We made it to the courtroom, taking a seat near the back. A case was already going on when we sat, so I pretended to listen for a few minutes before turning to look at Will. His brows were furrowed and his eyes narrowed. “Enjoying yourself?” I whispered into his ear.
He snapped out of his courtroom-induced trance and smiled at me. “Just trying to figure out what’s going on. What if you need help on your homework?”
“Then I guess I’ll have to come to you,” I said. I took out some paper to take a few notes; I could at least try to pay attention. But I probably ended up sending more notes to Will than writing notes on the case.
It felt good to be able to open up for once. Now I just had to get to the point where I was confident enough that I didn’t regret putting my walls down. I knew I was going in the right direction, though. Before Will, I could have never imagined putting my walls down completely. Watching Will rub his chin as he observed the legal action made me hope that I was able to keep it down, for him.
.
CHAPTER 12
Kristen
A week later, waking up continued not to be so bad. I actually had things to look forward to. Will, of course, but also a renewed passion to write. I loved writing, but for some reason, I didn’t give myself the time to do it. He encouraged me to write every day. Will mentioned that it was his goal to help me feel happy, and he knew that writing helped me feel more content. With his continued encouragement and support, I had enjoyed his company this past week immensely. We had gone to get dinner, we had walked, and we had talked. I was starting to regret knowing that he only had one year left. I hoped I could help him find a purpose—I’d keep working on it. I wanted to make him happy.
* * *
Tonight was my pre-birthday party. Chris and Tracy, another one of my closest friends, had planned everything down to the T to make tonight amazing. Though we were going to go out for dinner the next day, she had said one party was never enough. It was supposed to just be us girls, but boyfriends were eventually invited. I didn’t know whether I should invite Will, so I debated with Chris if I should.
“Why wouldn’t you?” Chris asked.
That was a good question. Why was I hesitant?
“He’s coming on Saturday. Don’t you think partying with you guys two times in a row might be a bit much?”
“It probably is,” Tracy agreed. “But no better way to introduce him to us than to throw him to the sharks.”
I didn’t want Will to be uncomfortable. I knew how he felt about group settings, much like myself. I’d be drowning in anxiety if the roles were reversed.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“Why don’t you just give him the option? That way he can decide,” Tracy suggested.
“Yeah, girl. That couldn’t hurt,” Chris added.
I preferred not to inconvenience him with the possibility of having to say no, but I would text him to confirm. After all, my girlfriends wouldn’t get off my back until I did. I sent him a text saying that he could meet us at the bar if he wanted. I hoped I stressed enough that there were no worries if he couldn’t make it...
Will
I had gone a whole hour without thinking of Kristen. I was snuggled under my covers, reading my book, and enjoying the solitude. A night of reading and reflecting would be a wonderful thing to distract me from the fact I didn’t have Kristen to kiss for a few hours.
My phone buzzed a few short minutes into my reading session. It was Kristen inviting me out. On one hand, I was thrilled she had thought of me and wanted to see me. There was no better feeling than Kristen wanting to spend time with me. On the other hand, I was terrible in groups. I resorted right back to my seventh-grade mind-set.
I promised myself that I would put myself first this last year, but did that apply here? Were the One Year Left rules still in play, or had I tossed them off the roof when I met Kristen? I wanted to see her happy, and most of all, I wanted to see her happy because of me, but I knew what would happen if I agreed to go out. I had already resigned myself to being weird and awkward for her Saturday party, but to go through it twice… I didn’t know if I had it in me. I texted her back, letting her know I had an appointment in the morning, but really I knew it was just an excuse.
I had these debates every time I got an invitation like this, especially when it was on short notice. Kristen probably thought I was decent with spontaneity after the tattoo or the truck date, but to tell the truth, with most social outings I was plain awful. Nine times out of ten these debates ended up in me politely declining and bracing for the disappointment. I didn’t think this time would be any different. Saturday would be enough, right?
.
CHAPTER 13
Will
The next morning, I woke to an empty bed for the first time in about a week. It was odd going back to sleeping alone, even if she had only been there for a few nights. I rolled out of bed and got ready for the day, the entire time spent thinking about Kristen. My thoughts ran wild—the possibility that she had met another guy at the bar, or that Cooper had shown up. Anything and everything that could have come between Kristen’s and my new budding relationship made an appearance.
The last text I received from her was an acknowledgment to my saying I couldn’t make it. It was a simple “ok thanks,” but it was accompanied by a smiley face. Smiley faces didn’t get sent when there was a problem. Once again, I was being irrational. I shook my head in the mirror and finished brushing my teeth. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most paranoid of them all?
And now I was quoting Snow White. It could have been worse, I suppose. I threw on my jeans and T-shirt and headed outside to make it to my appointment. I sent a quick text to Kristen before leaving, a quick “missed you last night,” making sure to include the smiley face.
I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked my phone for the thirteenth time. No response. The worry started to creep in slightly, but nothing worth panicking over. Sitting in the waiting room, I struggled not to let my mind flash back to the Molly situation. That had been heartbreaking on a few levels and too similar to this moment to want to dwell on it now.
Fifteen minutes into the wait, and I went full flashback mode.
* * *
The closing shift at the call center made eight hours feel like twelve. After five p.m., hardly anyone called, so it was nice to mess around on your phone, but time dragged beyond belief. On this one particular shift, I hadn’t received a text from Molly, whom I had been seeing for the past few weeks. I had texted her that morning before I made the d
readful forty-five-minute commute to work and had heard radio silence ever since. We usually texted throughout the day, so my worry flag was up, but only slightly. I managed to busy myself with my work.
Eventually, with about two hours left in the day, she had finally texted me. It was a typical message, and I didn’t sense anything was up. My response message, after I had audibly sighed with relief, was one that joked about my worry that she was breaking up with me. Imagine my surprise, when I opened her next text and it went something like “well…” with a wall of text behind it. My gut was right, and my spirit was crushed. Those final two hours I couldn’t focus on anything work-related. I was devastated.
* * *
And so as my new psychiatrist called me back, snapping me out of my daydream, I was worried that I had blown it already with Kristen. I placed a hand on my stomach, willing it to relax as I walked back into the office.
An hour later, I was out of the office with my prescriptions and a bitter smile. I had checked my phone after the session, and Kristen had responded. She said she had missed our sleepover too, and that she had slept over at her friends. She also asked what I was up to today. Drained emotionally, I told her I was at my new psychiatrist. I didn’t have the energy to beat around the bush. I didn’t know if she had already picked up on what Operation One Year Left was truly about, but now I imagined she did.
I hailed a bus home, and along the way I attempted to tell myself it was a happy ending for the day. She had responded and hadn’t Mollyed me. We seemed to still be going strong. But if that’s all it took to give me what felt like an ulcer, could I keep doing this? Led by my emotional scars of the past, my irrationality would continue to torture me.
I should protect myself. I pulled up the motto I had tried to adopt once. “Be ready for the detach.” Could I do that? This morning was torture, and I didn’t want to spoil my last year. I’d stop the river of my feelings with a dam if it was the last thing I did. For once, I’d stop my heart before I got crushed.
As the bus neared my house, I ran my hands through my hair and gave a small manufactured smile. I stood up when the bus came to a stop, taking a deep breath—this was what I came to Portland for. A new start where my demons didn’t follow me. Here, building a wall around my heart would be possible. I neared the stairs to exit the bus when the elderly driver spoke. She said, “Watch your step, wouldn’t want to see you get hurt now.” I reached the sidewalk and, turning back to her, gave her a genuine smile and “Thank you.” I’d do my best not to get hurt. I’d do my best.
Kristen
Will had never come outright and said it, but I should have known. Maybe I did but I just pushed it away, there were hints. Did I want to believe One Year Left was physical? I couldn’t say, as I had never stopped to think about it. Regardless, it wouldn’t change anything. I was worried, though. I didn’t want to misconstrue anything or jump to conclusions, but maybe I should be more careful with him. I had come quite close to giving myself over to this almost-stranger, granted he was incredibly wonderful, but I had only known him for a week. Was that hesitancy why it took me so long to text him this morning? I couldn’t be sure; my hands and brain didn’t seem to be in sync today.
The exterminator had called me today and told me my bedroom was ready. I could sleep there again until we had a chance to talk in person. It would be good for us to figure out where we were going and what was holding us back. Although I hoped he was able to articulate his concerns better than I would mine, my thoughts were a whirlwind.
Why couldn’t I trust him completely? Would such a level of trust be unwise for knowing him such a short period of time? It’d be the same if I had known him a year or two. I had to admit that although a lack of trust was fueled by guys I’ve known in the past, the original fire was started within.
Years ago, my father and mother split up. My dad had cheated on her. I saw the way it affected her, day in and day out. I cried along with her many of those days and nights. She did her best to hide it, but I’ll never forget the one day the ember for my mistrust truly sparked.
The skies were a dreary gray with a wind that played a loud percussion beat on the shutters of the house. It was the type of storm that made pets cower. The rain had been pouring down for hours and showed no sign of stopping. That night, I couldn’t tell when the sun had set, I had to rely on the clock. I watched out of the window as I hoped to see my dad’s car pulling into the driveway. Six and seven p.m. came and went with no sign of him. The pit of my stomach knotted and continued to tighten until my mom came up the stairs, calling for me. I went to her, and she told me to quit watching the window. She walked into my room and closed the blinds. She asked me to come read with her. We went down to the living room and tried to lose ourselves in books by the fire, but the book didn’t hold my attention. I couldn’t resist glancing at my mother every page or so. The occasional tear that slid down her cheek broke my heart for her. I wanted to throw my book in the flames and curse my father. I wanted to punch something. That night I went to sleep with clenched fists and tears staining my pillow.
I cursed my father that night, and as other men began to hurt me, I cursed them as well. That ember my dad had created was now a full-grown forest fire, and I’d have to do something about it, or I’d have nothing left.
For now, I would have to play it safe until Will and I could talk.
.
CHAPTER 14
Will
So there I was Saturday evening, putting on my big boy pants before the big event. I didn’t know anyone who was going to be there. Kristen had said to bring Daichi, but he was busy with Erin. She had texted me, saying that she had wanted to talk, but we didn’t get the chance before her birthday party.
I hated waiting for social events. My stomach fluttered with the wings of a thousand butterflies as I waited for the clock to tell me it was time to go. It ticked slowly as I sat on my bed, my hands mildly clammy, and my stomach churning. I couldn’t tell if I was nervous or if I had a stomachache—one of the perils of anxiety.
With my unease building, I left the house so I’d show up a little early to the bar. I was sure to take my time along the route and managed to take a roundabout-enough way that it was actually dark when I arrived. Dark, but still too early.
I walked up to the bar and went right in. Still too early for a bouncer, apparently. Was this a bar or a club? I hadn’t asked. I chuckled internally regarding my absolute ineptitude at having a nightlife. Farther inside, there were people eating at tables situated around the room. I looked around and didn’t see an upstairs, so I imagined the tables would be removed shortly to make room for a dance floor. I took my seat at the bar.
The bar itself looked like a typical bar, as far as I knew. All the alcohol was stocked behind the counter, and the bartender was outfitted with one of those bottle openers tucked into a sweatband. Turning around on my stool, I scanned the rest of the bar—there weren’t many decorations, just black walls and fixtures that I presumed would be used later for dancing. In the back, there was a small stage where a DJ could set up and play. Or girls could get up and dance—maybe both, I wasn’t sure.
“So what’ll it be?” the bartender asked when she reached me.
“Yeah, uh… I have no idea, can you surprise me?”
She smiled and gave a small laugh. “Okay, how’s an orange Crush sound?”
“Isn’t that a soda?” I asked with a smile that said: “Don’t think I’m an idiot.”
She shook her head, laughed, and gave me the drink. I then tipped her, my favorite part of getting drinks, probably the only good part, actually. Sports were playing on most of the TVs set up behind the bar. So, I utilized my skill of watching sports to pass the time. I sipped my drink and watched sports until I realized my drink was completely gone.
Fortunately, I was saved from having to order another by a hug from behind.
“Will! You look like you’re at a funeral,” Kristen’s voice wafted over me.
“B
ars are not my forte,” I said after turning around in my seat. She took the one next to me.
“Here, let me introduce you to my friends so you can get it over with. Just remember they think you’re cute, and compared to the other guys they’ve met, you’re a Greek god.”
I’ll take that, I thought as a few girls came over. Chris was the only one I recognized.
Kristen introduced me to all her friends, and they were nice enough. They asked me all sorts of questions; my favorite being the ones about the forest date. I actually felt pretty good when they were complimenting my wonderful date-planning skills. But maybe that warmth was actually my first drink kicking in.
I didn’t know how long the girls were there. I had lost track of time, but they left soon enough to go dance on the newly revealed dance floor. That left me alone with Kristen again. An awkward silence fell over us.
“So when is this talk gonna happen?” I asked, playing with my empty drink.
“That’s a good question. The girls told me to ‘make it quick’ because they want me to come dance with them.”
“We can just have fun tonight, forget about everything and talk tomorrow—whatever comes from it then won’t ruin your birthday.”
She smiled and hugged me again. “That sounds like a winning plan.”
I hopped off my seat and gave her a proper hug, kissing her after she pulled away. “And no matter what, you’ll always remember that kiss. No, that one wasn’t memorable enough. One second.” I gave her my best smoldering eyes that just ended with a goofy smile on my part.
One Year Left Page 8
