“Oh, that’s definitely memorable.” She winked.
“Go have fun,” I said. “I’ll see you around once I’ve had another drink.” I began to turn back toward the bar. “Actually, wait. What kind of thing should I be ordering here?”
She gave a beautiful-looking laugh that I regret not hearing due to the music. Then, she leaned over the bar and said a few words to the bartender. What a relief—I didn’t have to order.
Kristen finished ordering, ran her hand over my leg, and took off to join her friends.
With my attention back on the bar and its multitude of TVs, I couldn’t discern how long I spent there with my second drink. I looked down, and soon enough had three empty drinks in front of me. The first hour or two was a blur until someone tapped me on the shoulder.
“Hey, man,” said a guy sitting next to me. I hadn’t seen him come in or sit down.
“Hey,” I replied.
“Adam,” he said, extending his hand.
The guy leaned back and a girl extended hers, “Anne,” she continued, “Looks like you’re a little down pal. Need two kind strangers to help you out? We offer free consultations between the hours of ten p.m. and dawn.” Anne smiled, displaying all her teeth.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” I said. I turned and was shocked to see the dance floor absolutely packed.
“Yep, it got pretty busy in here while you were in your trance. What’s got you down?” Adam asked.
“Girl troubles. But one where I’m the issue…I think.”
“Ah, those can be a problem, but Adam and I have a pretty good success rate with our consults. Let’s hear it,” Anne said as she hopped down from her seat and leaned against Adam.
I told them everything. I started with how I initially came to Portland to live out the last year of my life and proceeded through how my irrationalities were breaking the foundation of a good thing. I told them how I should have never gotten into it, how my gut was right, and I was dumb to taint my Portland year with the same nonsense that had corrupted Maryland. As I wound down with the story, my body felt lighter, and even though I was no closer to a solution, it felt good to vent.
“I’ve been beaten down every which way. I can’t afford to try anymore. I am so damaged that I exhaust myself thinking about this. I honestly don’t know how I can do this when I feel like no one operates like I do. No one understands. Mentally, I am so alone.”
When I finished Anne nodded and Adam ordered three drinks for us. Anne was the first to speak.
“Hey, Will, it seems like you’re swimming against the current, and I understand—your feelings are totally valid. But you can beat this.”
“Yeah,” Adam said, handing me a bottle. “Anne is pretty messed up in the head.” He nudged Anne with his elbow. “I’m probably even worse. But it is possible to beat it, just like my big-grinning buddy here said.”
“Here, take our numbers down. We’re gonna blow your mind with advice, but you might need further consultations. Love wasn’t built in a day,” Anne said.
“Rome, love, same thing, right?” Adam said to me.
“Anyway,” Anne said, ignoring Adam. “The way to tackle this is as follows. We are only bar psychologists, but it sounds like you two could be good for each other. You two did well with the ‘have fun tonight’ pact. Don’t want to grumble up her birthday. But tomorrow when you talk, I want you to lay it all out on the line. Tell her what you need, which sounds like communication and openness. Honesty, basically. A lot of it.”
“Yes, I agree. Although I’m not sure if grumble was the right word to use there, but hey, who knows?” Adam threw up his hands in mock exasperation.
“We’re gonna go dance now,” Anne said. “But do use those numbers.”
“Yeah, buddy. Use those numbers!” Adam exclaimed, turning to Anne. “Let’s go move, woo!” He chugged the rest of his drink, and the two of them disappeared into the dance crowd.
An undetermined amount of time later—it could have been a second or five minutes—I blinked, snapping out of processing the information from my new friends. It was good advice. Better than anything I would have said without them. What did I have to lose by putting all my cards on the table? Other than my heart... Would that be just opening me up for further pain?
I dismissed my thoughts, and for the first time since I walked in, I hopped off my seat, put down my drink, and danced into the sea of people. I danced until my feet were sore. I danced with Kristen and actually enjoyed being in public. That night I discovered the key to enjoying bars was to go with someone whose company you loved. That was a wonderful discovery. I just hoped it wasn’t too late. I even danced into Adam and Anne again. They were even wackier on the dance floor. At the very least, even if I didn’t take their advice, their energy was contagious. I wasn’t used to dancing, but I pushed through my anxiety and, assuming the alcohol didn’t take my memories from me in the morning, had an unforgettable night.
.
CHAPTER 15
Kristen
“Will... Will.”
He finally stirred. He rolled over and peeked out of one of his open eyes. “Ugh, yes?”
“Didn’t you want to talk?” I asked.
“So early? It’s like—”
“One,” I said. “Will, it’s one in the afternoon.”
“Oh.” He rubbed his eyes and groaned as he sat up. “See, Kristen,” he said, trying to roll to the edge of the bed. “This is why I don’t do bars.”
I handed him a water bottle I had brought down. “Well, normally I would have been happy to let you sleep through the day, but Tracy invited me to visit Seattle with her.”
Will had gotten both feet on the ground, elbows on his knees as he sat sipping the water. He looked up to me. “That’s up, right?”
“North? Yes, Mr. Maryland, it’s North.”
He nodded and rubbed his temple before responding. “Okay, so you wanted to talk? Sure.” Will stood up and went to his dresser. He fumbled through his dresser and found a shirt. I now knew that despite an impending talk, the sight of his body could still bring those familiar butterflies back. Once dressed, he asked, “So how was your night?” He sat back on his bed, still looking out of it.
“It was good. Thanks for coming. Dare I ask how much of it you remember?”
Will
I sat there for a few seconds, running a brief summary of my night through my head. I remembered getting there, meeting two people, and dancing. I surely didn’t have enough memories to fill an entire night, though. Grabbing my phone, I checked for any new numbers. Adam and Anne. That’s right.
“Does that mean you forgot everything?” Kristen asked with a small smile.
“Oh no, I just met two interesting people. Do you know a Adam or Anne?”
She shook her head.
What did we talk about? Kristen? Likely, that was the only thing on my mind. They told me not to give up, something about open and honest. “Yeah, yeah, I remember. It was a good time.” I pushed the thoughts of them out of my mind. I could let her go. For once, I’d be strong enough. For the both of us. I was in no position to hold her back with my instability.
“So where does that leave us?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “Were you in a hurry? I don’t want to make you late.”
Kristen
“Well, they are waiting outside, but they’d understand if we needed time, though.” That hurt. He had a headache, but he was practically pushing me out the door. “If you want to talk later, when you aren’t hungover, we could do that too,” I added. My world froze while I waited for a response. I wanted him to prove that not all guys put themselves first. I swallowed. I was still feeling bitterness toward him for not making it out on Thursday. Was I unfairly judging him?
“Well, Kristen I really like you. I just feel I’m so messed up. I can’t go through another day of waiting for a text. It’s no fault of your own, of course. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I don’t know exactly w
hat it is I need from you, or life in general. I don’t know if it even exists.”
He was right. Will was thoughtful and sweet, but I could tell he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I needed a lot of support after guys like Cooper. Perhaps that was unfair. “It’s a shame the people of our past have scarred us so badly that we can’t be complete for each other.”
Will nodded, his jaw tight with tension.
* * *
“So you just left without deciding on a damn thing?” Chris asked incredulously.
I shook my head. “Yeah, we weren’t getting anywhere, anyway. We said we’d talk when I get back from the trip.”
“And when even are you getting back?” Tracy asked from the driver’s seat.
“A week? I don’t know. You guys didn’t really tell me...” I said sheepishly.
“Exactly. So you two just gave up. And you know it.” Chris huffed as she crossed her arms. “I was rooting for y’all. I dressed up as a waitress for no damn reason!”
“It wouldn’t have worked.” I sighed, my hands busy playing with my fingernails.
“Says who? You think you two are the only two people with emotional scars?” Tracy said.
“Well, no but—”
“There’s really no ‘but.’ You sit at home, doing your homework, and not making any progress. So you got rid of Cooper, and I applaud you for that.” Chris sarcastically clapped twice. “But, you just gave up at the first hint of trouble when you found someone worthwhile.”
“Wait,” Tracy called out. “Did you tell him about your dad?”
I shook my head in response, forgetting Tracy couldn’t see me from the driver’s seat. “Chris, don’t tell me she’s shaking her head.”
“Oh, she is,” Chris answered. “I have half a mind to tell Tracy to turn this car around, Kristen. How do you expect to make any progress if he doesn’t know what has hurt you?”
“It’s only been a week…” I protested.
“A week is not the same for everyone. Clearly you two had a connection and can’t be compared to an average relationship.”
“Well, what do I do now?” I asked.
“Girl, at this point, I don’t know—I’m not Dr. Phil.” Chris sat back in her seat with a loud sigh.
.
CHAPTER 16
Will
I lay in bed until four p.m. the day she left for Seattle. The hangover and regret of letting her go left me in a festering pit of self-pity that day. Fortunately, Daichi didn’t let me call out from work the next morning.
He picked me up, and we drove to our usual spot. I didn’t have much to say. My thoughts were running over the same logic repeatedly—the cycle of why I came here in the first place.
Before I knew it, I was working the register for the third time in a week. I had been slacking off on my duties.
“Dude, it’s cool. This was never a serious thing. Who needs serious, anyway?” Daichi didn’t bring up Kristen for the longest time, which was odd. I figured he’d be bugging me to go after her. Eventually, he tried to break the silence. “Hey, the truck and I are here if you need us. I figured you’d ask for advice if you need it...”
“I probably need it,” I responded. “Did I mess up? Did I lose her?”
“I don’t think you’ve lost her, yet. But, if you wait until she gets back, it’s much more likely.”
My lips involuntarily curled into the first smile I’d had in twenty-four hours. “What are you saying? Do you think I should go after her?”
“All I’m saying is…we’re ready when you are.” Daichi patted the wall of the truck.
“That sounds amazing.” Was I really considering going to Seattle?
“Why not?”
I paused. Why not? I cringed. “I’ve got a good reason why not.”
“Is this another one of your flashbacks?” Daichi’s eyes went wide as he ran both hands through his hair. “Will…”
“Uh, it might be…”
* * *
I worked as a camp counselor for the summer during my college years. It was a great job, probably the best I’ve had. One particular year, I worked at a swim camp, and there was one lifeguard who took my breath away. She was on the shorter side but athletic. Her body was strong, and her face was stunning in the most unique way. I still remember the way she tied her hair up... She had a distracting smile, especially since I was supposed to be watching the kids. She was mixed, and I had never seen anyone like her before.
One afternoon at the pool, I finally got a chance to talk to her after one of my kids had tripped on the deck and cut his leg. Apparently, this was one day when the universe decided to shine its blessing upon me, as he hurt himself right next to her lifeguard chair. Her name was Gashley. I am only slightly ashamed to admit I was thrilled at the injury. Thank you, clumsy kid. Gashley came down from her stand, and we exchanged a few words. I was beyond smitten, as this was the first time her smile had been directed at me. That meeting opened the door to me talking with her at the stand as I watched the kids. After one session, right before it was time to leave, I gathered up the courage to ask for her number. She gave it to me, but I had nothing to write it down on, so I repeated that number until I made it inside. I may or may not have pushed several kids out of the way on my beeline to my phone, but I never forgot that phone number.
Gashley and I texted the rest of that day and many after that. Our first kiss was in the camp/swim center parking lot. We shared the best hug of my life in the woods behind the center. I remember standing there with her in my arms, leaning my head on hers and being completely content.
We were never really close to being officially a couple, nor did we last long. There was always something we fought about, and that’s what ultimately led to us stopping talking. Although, since I had her number memorized I would text her on and off throughout the years—I wish I could have forgotten it. It was always the same joy rekindled in our chats, but they never ended well.
Throughout that summer, I remember I would often end up begging for forgiveness for something that I wasn’t even sure I did wrong. But I liked her, a lot. At one point, she wasn’t speaking to me, so I drove to the nearest Target in desperation and bought her a Taylor Swift poster. The last time we talked, she still had it.
Another time she was mad at me for some unknown reason. We were supposed to hang out that day, but she wasn’t responding to my texts, so I considered our hangout canceled. My coworkers were having a get-together that night, so I went there instead. Gashley, of course, called me when I had arrived at the party, asking why we weren’t hanging out. Uh, what? We texted back and forth for about an hour before I decided to leave the party to meet her.
But, there was a problem. I had no shoes on, my phone was about to die, and her house was in running distance. Being completely rational and only slightly drunk, I took off, following my phone’s GPS. I arrived at her house before my phone died, so I didn’t get lost. She was waiting outside for me, which was good, but she wasn’t in a particularly good mood. We “talked,” and eventually my coworker friends showed up. I didn’t want to go back with them, though; I was incredibly frustrated. I began walking away, shoeless and furious. I had no regard for my phone as I chucked it as far as I could. At that moment, without Gashley, I didn’t care. Some sight I probably was with tears streaming down my face, a dead phone flying across the street, and two camp counselor coworkers chasing after me.
* * *
I looked to Daichi. “And that is why I am hesitant to do any grand gestures, like going up to meet Kristen.” Watching romantic movies had always made me yearn for such a moment, but I knew those moments didn’t really happen, right?
“Well, then,” Daichi said.
“Yep.”
“Do you think this time would be different? Do you think she wants you to come get her?” he asked.
Before I could answer, my phone buzzed. I picked it up and saw it was from my bar psychologists. They were asking for an update on my situation. D
aichi raised his eyebrow.
“No, not Kristen,” I said. “But, it’s someone who probably would want me to go after her, though.” I paused. “I think she’d want to see me. I’m just scared. I don’t know if I can take another beatdown.”
“If you don’t go, you might get a beatdown from me, so you’ll get one either way. Might as well go after the one that has potential in paying off.” Daichi laughed maniacally.
“Okay, I’ll go if you think it’ll work.”
“All a part of the plan, all a part of the plan…” he said.
“Okay, let me text Chris,” I said, hoping I was doing the right thing.
.
CHAPTER 17
Kristen
“So, girls, what are we getting into tonight?” Tracy asked as we checked into our hotel.
“I dunno, but I’m hungry,” I said. I hoped some food would improve how I felt. I had random thoughts of Will the entire ride to Seattle. Hadn’t I hesitated enough so he’d grab me and whisk me off my feet? Ridiculous things like that.
“I can order a pizza,” Chris said before she started furiously tapping on her phone. “Any preferences?”
I shook my head; I just wanted food.
“Okay, we’re all good. We can go upstairs.”
The three of us made our way into the elevator, taking it to the eleventh floor. After a brief walk down the hall, we reached our room and opened the doors to reveal a beautiful set-up. Seattle would be a nice distraction.
“Where’s the alcohol?” I asked. “I’m thirsty.”
“You’re right; I am parched,” Tracy said, whipping open the minifridge, suddenly disappointed with the options. “But not that parched. Yuck.”
“If it’s that bad, we can go and buy something from the store. It’s probably cheaper, too,” I suggested.
Chris nodded in agreement. She was on the phone rattling off pizza toppings.
So, back down the elevator we went. And back up it shortly after we procured something to take our minds off the stressors of life.
One Year Left Page 9
