A Change of Heart

by Nancy Frederick

  "Maggie wanted that, not me. All I've ever done is be a wife and mother."

  "Nothing wrong with that, if you have the right guy," said Will.

  "Honey-pie! That's our generation, not Annabeth's. She should already have a career. Women her age need independence and fulfillment."

  "People start planning for retirement at her age, they don't go to school or begin a career."

  "Yes, I'm really not qualified for anything," said Annabeth, her voice trailing off. "I'd expected grandchildren and traveling now…."

  "Grandchildren are a blessing, but hardly a career. Maybe you could start a travel agency since you like travel."

  "She's never been anywhere, Ginger. Good lord! You're giving me a headache with all this nonsense," said Will, sounding gruffer and making Annabeth feel even smaller and more useless.

  "Divorce isn't such a bad thing, you know. It's how I met your father."

  "I know."

  As Ginger launched once again into the story about how she'd met Will Copeland, Annabeth chewed her food miserably, pretended to listen, and nodded at the appropriate places. They hadn't noticed her hair either. Was it so little a difference? Maybe she needed to make more changes, buy some new clothes.

  "Dessert?" interrupted Will.

  "How about some nice, non-fat frozen yogurt?" replied Ginger.

  "I hate that stuff. Think I'll go play with my computer, leave you gals to your girl talk."

  "Come on in the bedroom and let me show you the new clothes that need hems."

  Annabeth followed her stepmother into the bedroom. How strange it was, after all these years, after the room had been redone, the furniture replaced, the walls repainted, that Annabeth could feel her mother still there in that room. This was a sensation that came over her each of the many times she entered this bedroom, despite the fact that Anne Copeland had been dead nearly thirty years. Over by the window had been an easy chair covered in a nubby avocado fabric with a matching ottoman, and it was on that ottoman that Annabeth sat, while Anne explained about getting her period, something that happened to Annabeth a year after that conversation. "Don't slouch, dear, it makes you look heavier. Stand up straight," commanded her mother as they peered into the big mirror on the far wall, Annabeth modeling one of many party dresses worn during junior high. "It's a bit tight, isn't it." Anne clucked her tongue, "Too bad you're built like Grandma, not me." "The seam isn't straight, dear," Anne had said, sitting at the desk placed catty corner to the bed, holding a skirt Annabeth was sewing for a Girl Scout merit badge. "Pull it out and do it like I do." They lay casually sometimes, on the big bed, careful not to rumple the striped avocado and purple bedspread, Anne turning the pages of Annabeth's sketch book. "Oh yes, that looks sort of like a rabbit, but do their eyes slant quite like that or is it more like a cat's eyes?" Anne often laughed when spotting this creature or that, the usual subjects for Annabeth's art, "Oh, what a funny frog! We don't have any around here that look like that." Annabeth listened, usually quietly, to her mother's comments, and then to, "We could sign you up for some art lessons at the school downtown." The institution to which she referred was merely a former high school teacher, long since retired, who'd begun giving classes in drawing in an empty room above Samuel's Hardware Store, classes Annabeth attended for two years until Markie's, a big chain home improvement outlet, opened on the highway outside of town, driving the smaller family-owned store out of business. Anne had been sitting on the avocado chair, her feet propped up on the ottoman, an album of family pictures on her lap, her face a bit red, when Annabeth came in and her mother asked her, "If anything should happen to me, you'll take care of Julie and Chip, won't you?" At barely more than fifteen, Annabeth thought little of the promise she made then, but at sixteen her mother was dead, and Annabeth kept her word.

  Those reveries and others, thoughts of exchanges shared a lifetime ago took seconds to unfurl in her consciousness. Annabeth sighed, refocused her mind to the task of pinning up the hems for Ginger, which took only minutes and then she was able to leave.

  When she pulled up to her door and spotted R.J.'s van, her heart leapt. He was home!

  He glared at her as she walked into the house, then said, "Aren't you a little old for ribbons in your hair?"

  She winced, removed the scarf, then asked, "You don't like my hair?"

  "It's okay."

  There were two suitcases by the door. "Oh," she said softly, "You're still leaving."

  He nodded silently.

  "Can we sit and talk?" Annabeth walked toward the living room.

  R.J. followed stiffly, saying, "I gotta be somewhere."

  "Maggie mentioned that she'd seen you with a woman. Is there someone else?" Annabeth held her breath, waiting for his answer.

  "That bitch been bad-mouthin' me for years. I told you what the story is, so why listen to her and her crap? She just gotta be the queen bee all the time and you let her."

  Relieved at his denial, she spoke softly, "I don't understand this R.J. Why've you gone back to our old apartment? Is it something we had then you want to recapture? Something you miss from the old days?" She was open and sincere, interested in what he would say, willing and ready to hear the answer so that she could help him with this crisis. "Do you miss your mother, being close to her I mean. You see her all the time don't you?"

  R.J. glanced at his watch, squirmed uncomfortably, and remained silent.

  "There isn't even any furniture there any more. How can you possibly stay there? It doesn't make sense to buy stuff for a short…."

  "What are you so worried about? I'm on the road jus'bout all the time, not here. You won't even notice I'm gone since I'm always gone."

  "Oh, sweetie!" Annabeth leaned toward R.J., touching his shoulder. She was flooded with tenderness and the desire to reach out and to help her husband. He was obviously in deep trouble. He sounded so angry and resentful. "Of course I'll notice. What do you think I do here all alone? I wait for you to come home." Seeing R.J. blush on hearing this, Annabeth continued, "Just tell me what you need, what I can do to help you." She leaned in closer, kissing his cheek, hoping she could persuade him to stay the night. "Stay here with me hon, we haven't made love in such a long time. Maybe…."

  As she was kissing his neck, R.J. rose abruptly, his voice gruff, and said, "You can't do anythin', okay? I gotta do this myself, so just lemme go, will you?"

  Annabeth watched R.J. drive away then walked into the kitchen to think. Seating herself at the table, she opened the cookie jar and began nibbling her homemade cookies. What could she do about this? Maybe stop by the bookstore for something on men and their mid-life crises? If they were religious, she could go talk to a minister, but no, they didn't even have a minister. Could that be the problem? No, R.J. couldn't abide religion, and it didn't much interest Annabeth either. R.J. was such a loner. It's not like he had a male friend she could ask; the only people he ever talked to that she knew of were his mother and herself. Mother Welner. She would have to talk to Mother Welner. That would be hard, very hard. She would have to do it, to put aside her feelings about Richard and his death, talk to her mother-in-law, pretend nothing was wrong as they always did, ask about R.J. and what Mother Welner knew about this crisis.

  It was a long night, and Annabeth slept poorly, dreaming repeatedly that she was pushing her stalled car up a monstrous hill. The next morning, when she was actually in the car with the engine grinding but not running, there was a sense of exhausted deja-vue, but ultimately the engine caught and she was able to drive to see her mother-in-law, who led her into the living room where she seated herself on the couch. "I'm worried about R.J.," she said simply.

  "Men…" said Mother Welner, her voice trailing off. She regarded Annabeth with eyes that were veiled, the usual gruffness and dislike in her voice, but tension as well, but wasn't that normal too? Yes, there was always tension between them, always would be.

  "I just don't see how he can stay in that empty apartment, even if he's only in town
one or two nights a week," said Annabeth after explaining in as few words as possible what had happened with her husband.

  There seemed to be a glint of regret in Mother Welner's eyes, but it was so quickly replaced with the usual contempt that Annabeth was certain she'd misread her mother-in-law. "Here's where he's staying, you'd find out sooner or later, I guess." Mother Welner reached for a pad of paper on the table next to her chair and handed it to Annabeth, who copied the address and phone number.

  "I just can't stand to see him so unhappy," said Annabeth.

  Clutching the piece of paper in her hand, Annabeth drove the few miles to Wayburn, a town small and indistinct from all the many others surrounding it. First there were the inevitable gas stations, then a fast food place, a supermarket, a small and insignificant restaurant. Then there was a laundromat, a stand-alone brick building with a separate door to one side, leading to an apartment upstairs. Without hesitation, Annabeth pulled the car into the lot, which contained three vehicles, none of them familiar to her.

  The parking lot had been paved long ago, but it wasn't very well maintained, thus the cement had cracked and the sand from the unplanted curbside area and a number of pebbles, both small and large, were strewn about. It was a rocky walk in her delicate sandals and it hurt her feet, but Annabeth didn't notice. She glanced into the laundromat, which was empty, and then opened the side door, walking up the stairs to the apartment above. Just before she reached the inner door, she paused, sighing and catching her breath. There was a glass panel in the door, covered by some lace curtains, and she could see into the living room beyond. Inside was a young woman, probably in her late twenties, and a toddler who played here and there, returning occasionally to the ugly plaid couch where his mother sat.

  Annabeth held her hand to her throat, her heart pounding. R.J. was living here? With this young girl? And a child of one or two? He wasn't just having a crisis; he was having an affair, with a girl barely older than his daughters. Maggie was right! It wasn't innocent. Could this have been going on for a long time? The girl--was she the one from the Quick Mart? Annabeth looked more closely, but it was too hard to tell. She was rather tall and very slender, her hair bleached blonde, but clearly originally a dark brown. She sat curled on the couch as the child played, and although the boy paid no attention to the cartoons on the television, his mother was clearly enthralled or she might have noticed Annabeth peering at her through the glass pane in her door. She held a cigarette nonchalantly in her hand, a gesture of sophistication that made her look like a child playing movie star. On a table beside her were several coffee cups, emptied glasses, two ashtrays overflowing with smoked butts, a set of electric hair rollers and some casual pieces of costume jewelry. There were garments on the floor, stray pillows here and there, and in general chaos everywhere to which she was oblivious.

  Shaking her head in amazement, Annabeth drew another deep breath then reached up to knock on the door. Her hand hesitated briefly but then she rapped quietly, and the girl inside jumped up immediately and walked over. "Yes?" she asked through the door.

  "I'd like to speak to R.J." said Annabeth.

  "Who?" asked the girl.

  "R.J. Welner," repeated Annabeth.

  The girl's features clouded over then and she squinted through the glass. "Oh," she said, standing up a little straighter, but still keeping the door shut, "You mean Buzz. He's not here."

  Annabeth laughed silently to herself first at hearing her husband referred to as Buzz, then realizing that there was no point in grilling the girl, she said, "All right, thanks," and turned and walked down the stairs. It was true! It was true! Buzz! Annabeth stumbled down the stairs and back to her car, but as usual it wouldn't start. She turned the key repeatedly, wishing for nothing more than to be a million miles away from this place, from that girl upstairs, from this dismal scene, from this reality that had shattered her own life. "Start, damn it!" she said, knowing that at any moment her eyes would flood with tears.

  Just as the engine finally caught, Annabeth looked up to see R.J. standing beside her car. Apparently he'd pulled into the lot in his van and she hadn't noticed. "What're you doin' here?" he asked.

  "What do you think? I was up all night worrying about you, went to your mother's and she sent me here." Her eyes blazed with anger although her voice was quiet.

  R.J. gulped then said, "Look, I didn't wanna tell you, didn't wanna hurt you, but it's probably just as well you found out. I'm--um--sorry."

  "Whose baby is that R.J.--that's not your child is it?" Annabeth held her breath and when he shook his head she exhaled deeply. "Well, thank God for that." What was she supposed to say next to this man who was her husband? She looked into his eyes, then looked away. Who was he?

  "I don't wanna be mean," he said improbably, "But don't come back here. It's--um--unappropriate. You need me for anythin', get me on the road on my cell phone. Okay?"

  What would she do now? Would she go through the rest of her life all alone, no one to care for?What was it R.J. wanted that she had not provided? Annabeth wondered but could not imagine, because she had worked hard to give him everything she thought he might have wanted, everything he had ever requested. She had never thought of what he gave her, of what she needed, and whether or not he was offering it to her, and she did not think of that now.

  She wished that she could back up the car then drive it right over her husband, flatten him like a cartoon character. Instead, her heart still pounding, hands clammy, stomach upset, Annabeth drove forward, out of the parking lot and back toward her house. What would she do? Now she was really alone and maybe he'd never come back. Even if he snapped out of it, could she ever want him back? Maybe it wouldn't ever work out. Maybe she'd be alone from now on. It was too horrible a possibility to consider.

  3

  What she really wanted was to go home and crawl into the bed, to hide her head under a pillow and stay there forever, not to go over to Julie's to house sit and wait for the cable man while her sister went to a club meeting, but Annabeth had promised so she pushed her own feelings to the back of her mind and drove to her sister's house.

  "Hi," said Julie, "The cable man's already been here, but I promised little Bobby you'd take him to lunch--his play date was canceled. You forgot my muffins?"

  "Oh, gosh! They're still at the house."

  "You can get them and bring them by later."

  After strapping the child in securely, Annabeth drove to Fatty's Burgerama, but what had been Fatty's was now a pile of rubble. Half the parking lot had been fenced off to allow the giant machines to move the debris into manageable piles so it could be hauled away.

  "Wow," exclaimed little Bobby, "Awesome! I have one of those," he added, pointing toward a big yellow bulldozer.

  For a moment she was transported to the night she met R.J., a vision of herself in borrowed red shorts, allowed to work for just one night so she could help Maggie out, and excited to be a carhop, even if just temporarily. There was R.J., looking neat and glamorous in his Air Force uniform and inexplicably flirting with her, probably the first time anyone had ever done so. And for the first time she had felt so pretty, so desirable, so girly, as he repeatedly ordered additional items so she would have to return to his car. He'd eaten eight burgers that night and their romance had begun. And now, Fatty's was gone, and to her it seemed like a disastrous omen.

  Annabeth was silent, her hands tightly gripping the steering wheel. Her breath came in short gasps and her heart raced, the pounding echoing in her ears so loudly that she pressed her right hand to her chest as she tried to catch her breath. She was being ridiculous, but her heart continued to thunder, and before she could gain control she found herself weeping, then pressing her hands to her eyes. She had to get hold of herself, but somehow the tears would not stop.

  Because he was so enthralled by the giant machines at work outside the window, little Bobby at first was unaware of Annabeth's tears, but shortly he turned toward her and noticed her, the soft sounds s
till unmistakable though muffled by the pressure of her hands. He reached a small hand toward her, "Don't worry, Aunt Annabeth, we can go to Burger King." He patted her arm as he spoke.

  The sound of his voice so close to her caused her to snap out of it, and she lowered her hands and smiled toward little Bobby, not wanting him to worry about her. Reaching in the pocket of her skirt, she removed a tissue and blotted her eyes, still smiling. "I'm pretty silly, huh?"

  "No--I get upset too if I have to wait for long when I'm real hungry."

  Annabeth laughed and squeezed little Bobby's hand. "You know, you're such a nice boy."

  Little Bobby nodded sagely, replying "I know."

  She wouldn't be completely alone, no matter what. There would be children in her future, grandchildren and others like little Bobby. That was a thought of some comfort as Annabeth walked along downtown after dropping her nephew at home. Feeling a bit silly and very nervous, she walked down a small side street and into a shop that sold candles, incense, and had a hand-drawn sign in the window offering readings by Shauna, tarot card master.

  She walked to the back of the store and spoke to a girl of about eleven who was sitting at a card table. "Excuse me, I'm looking for Shauna."

  The girl smiled sweetly, despite a mouth full of braces. She twirled one of her braids around her finger and replied, "I'm Shauna. Sit down right here."

  Annabeth sat in the seat across from the girl, saying, "You're the tarot master?"

  "Oh yes, don't worry. I've been doing this for a really, really long time and I'm very good at it. Everyone says so. My dad owns this store."

  "How long?" asked Annabeth, smiling.

  "Almost a year. Really long, you'll see, I'm good. Now just shuffle these cards and then cut them. And don't worry."

  Shauna took the shuffled cards from Annabeth and laid them out on the table in what appeared to be a specific pattern because she was mumbling under her breath as she did it. "So you're having some big, terrible problem now, right?"