by Kaysoon Khoo
eyes –
STEVE : Whatever for? I don't feel the least bit sleepy.
ADAM : Don't worry, I promise you the last thing you'll do is fall asleep. Just close your eyes and part your lips – I'm going to give you something called a kiss – was the Son of Heaven a good kisser?
STEVE : Oh, yes, he was good with his lips. But he didn't place them against my mouth.
ADAM : Oh? Then where did he wrap his slimy lips around?
STEVE : Right where it's so much more – hey! What's that?
ADAM : W-what? I didn't hear anything.
STEVE : That voice! Sssssh – there it is again! It seems to be calling my name.
ADAM : Nonsense! You're imagining –
STEVE : Shut up! There! You've got to be deaf not to hear it. Listen, it seems to be coming from that tree – that one with the fruit we're not supposed to eat. Get off me, Adam – let's go and investigate.
ADAM : I'd rather investigate your –
STEVE : Do as I say, Adam, or I won't let you touch me again – ever!
ADAM : Hey, don't say that! I don't want to go back to that adolescent pastime. I'm getting mighty tired of my own right hand.
STEVE : Then use your left! Now shut the hell up and come with me. There's someone up in that tree and it's calling me. I have to know who or what it is – are you coming?
ADAM : I'm coming, I'm coming – but I wish it were in quite another way!
ACT TWO
At the foot of the tree where the forbidden fruit grows. A serpent with the head of a man is coiled around one the lower branches. It is none other than the Fallen One, so-called because he fell from grace (whatever that means) a long time ago, which accident turned him into a circus freak.
FALLEN ONE : Why, hello there! If it isn't Golden Lotus, the favourite concubine of the Son of Heaven. I hear he now earns his keep by disposing of shit.
STEVE : Golden Lotus! That's the name I bore before I took on this body – when I was in the Middle Kingdom, that dump! But how did you know?
FALLEN ONE : I know EVERYTHING! I know why the two of you have been placed here in this garden.
ADAM : Oh yeah, wise guy? Well, I haven't the faintest idea. Suppose you enlighten us.
FALLEN ONE : So you could be fruitful and multiply and populate the earth, dummy! That's the same injunction given to each and each pair of all living creatures found here. Screw and strew your whelps all over the face of the earth. Though for the life of me I don't see how the two of you can be fruitful. Do you get that, O ye of low intellect?
ADAM : Oh, I get it all right. But you'd better get this too, whoever you are – you make one more reference to my intellect or hurl one more insult and I'll –
FALLEN ONE : Oh, don't worry. I shan't talk about your intellect again. For the simple reason there's nothing to talk about.
ADAM : You come down from that tree and say that to my face, O ye without gonads!
FALLEN ONE : What did you call me, you punk?
ADAM : You heard me the first time, Mister No-Balls. That's all you can do – stay up in that tree and taunt. Come down here and face me man-to-man if you've got the guts –
STEVE : Oh, for heaven's sake, stop it, the two of you! I didn't come here to see more fighting. I saw enough of it among those Three Kingdoms in my former life. Mister – you up there in that tree – what's your name?
FALLEN ONE : I have many names, my dear, but most refer to me as the Fallen One.
STEVE : Fallen one? That's a very unusual name.
ADAM : But a very appropriate one. He fell on his face, I'll bet. Look at his mug.
FALLEN ONE : Watch it, Mister No-Brains, or I'll go down and fix your mug for you –
ADAM : Well, come on, what are you waiting for? Show us you're capable of something else other than shooting off at the mouth –
STEVE : Can it, shelve it, bottle it up both of you! You keep this up, Adam, and as Steve is my name and swishing is my game, I won't let you touch me for a week! And as for you, Mister Fallen One, I came here because I thought you called me and had something to say to me –
FALLEN ONE : Oh, but I do, sugar-pie, I do. There's something I have to tell you. Something of great purport.
STEVE : Then stop squabbling with my man and say what you have to say.
FALLEN ONE : Sugar-pie, I know you're –
ADAM : Stop calling him that! He's mine!
STEVE : Shut your fat trap, Adam. Look, it was a mistake asking you to accompany me here. Just go back to that spot where we were and wait for me there.
ADAM : And leave you alone with this jerk?
FALLEN ONE : Afraid of the competition, pretty boy?
ADAM : What competition? Look at you - from your neck down you're just a worm!
FALLEN ONE : I'll show you who's a worm, you –
STEVE : Will you two SHUT THE HELL UP! Adam, please – just get lost. No, don't say anything. I don't want you to utter another word. Just leave me alone for a while and let me hear what this Mister Fallen One has to say.
ADAM : All right, I'll go, but if he tries to get fresh with you, just give me a holler and I'll come back and knock his block off.
STEVE : I can take care of myself, Adam. Now just toddle off, there's a good boy.
FALLEN ONE : He's gone, good riddance. I never thought we'd see his back. What on earth do you see in that uncouth lout, sweetie?
STEVE : Well, he's not bad-looking you must admit. He's really quite handsome.
FALLEN ONE : Handsome! And that's all he has to his credit. My dear, looks won't do much good in the long run. The novelty will wear off in a few days and you'll be landed with a jackass with as much brains as –
STEVE : Stop knocking him! Look, you said you had something to tell me.
FALLEN ONE : So I have, dear, so I have. A while ago I heard you asking him to get you this fruit – the one hanging just over your head – but he didn't.
STEVE : Because we're not supposed to touch it, let alone eat it. Hey, why are up there? You might accidentally brush against the thing.
FALLEN ONE : So what if I do? It's not a land mine. It won't detonate.
STEVE : But the Old Man specifically commanded everyone not to touch it.
FALLEN ONE : He did, huh? Do you know why?
STEVE : I guess the Old Man has his reasons. I've never met him but from what I gather he doesn't have to explain anything to anyone.
FALLEN ONE : You bet your sweet sweet twin buns he doesn't. And do you wonder why?
STEVE : Well ... because he's all-powerful, I guess.
FALLEN ONE : Yeah – and nobody gives him any lip – and everyone jumps when he snaps his fingers. Tell me, dear, would you like to be like him? Would you like to wield that kind of power and authority?
STEVE : What a question! As if anyone could be like the Old Man.
FALLEN ONE : Supposing I were to tell you that you could be just like him. Would you want to?
STEVE : Be like the Old Man? Hmmm ... it wouldn't be half bad. To be able do precisely what I please ... not to have to answer to anyone ... not to have to take no shit from anyone – seriously, who wouldn't want to have that kind of privilege?
FALLEN ONE : It's much more than privilege. It's EVERYTHING! You'd also have the power to CREATE! You'd be able to bring about ANYTHING! Imagine being able to manifest another garden like this somewhere else. To bring into existence whatever strikes your fancy.
STEVE : It's all wishful thinking. No one but the Old Man could do all those things.
FALLEN ONE : Not so. You could – if you possessed the power – if you knew the SECRET to acquiring that power!
STEVE : Oh, you mean something like the law of attraction? If you hold it in your mind, you'll hold it in your hand – that kind of jazz, huh?
FALLEN ONE : Not quite so, sweetheart. There's a much easier and faster way. All you have to do is BECOME like the Old Man. I can show you how –
STEVE : You can? Then, please do! Please – pretty, pretty please!
FALLEN ONE : There's one little condition –
STEVE : Anything, Fallen One, anything – but tell me the secret quickly!
FALLEN ONE : You have to share it with that jerk who pissed me off a while ago. Yeah, I mean the one who calls himself your guy.
STEVE : Adam? Why are you so concerned over him all of a sudden?
FALLEN ONE : I have my reasons. Look, any fool can see you've got him under your thumb. Once I show you the secret and divulge to you the way, you have to swear that you'll make him do one thing.
STEVE : What thing?
FALLEN ONE : First, swear to me. Don't worry, its perfectly within your capability. And it won't harm anyone. You have my word for it.
STEVE : All right, I'll take you at your word. I swear. What must I make Adam do?
FALLEN ONE : You get him to do the very same thing I'm going to ask you to do right now. Pluck that fruit and eat one half of it. Then give the other half to that nerd and see that he eats it too.
STEVE : Eat that fruit! But – but I told you the Old Man has forbidden anyone to even touch it!
FALLEN ONE : Tell me something I don't know, sweetie. Of course he laid that injunction on you guys. Because he's afraid!
STEVE : Afraid! Please, that senior citizen is afraid of no one and nothing.
FALLEN ONE : He's afraid that if you eat the fruit, you'll learn THE SECRET! The fruit is the secret.
STEVE : The fruit? You mean –
FALLEN ONE : I mean that once you eat it, you acquire the Old Man's power. Then you can do whatever he does. You'll instantly become omniscient, omnipotent, omni-everything like him. You'll know everything – and I mean EVERYTHING! Nothing will be hidden from you. And you can do anything. Just think of what you want and snap your fingers and – abracadabra! Whatever your heart
