by Kaysoon Khoo
desires is right right before you, exactly as you want it.
STEVE : You don't say!
FALLEN ONE : I do say, dearie. Trust me. Pluck that goddamned thing off the branch and sink your teeth into it and you'll see for yourself.
STEVE : Really! Then tell me one more thing. Why haven't you eaten the fruit?
FALLEN ONE : It won't work for me. It'll only work for a mortal – and you can see the only part of me that resembles a mortal is my head.
STEVE : Yes, I've been wanting to ask you – why do you look like that?
FALLEN ONE : It's a long story – but, in a nutshell, I got into the Old Man's bad books by forcing one of the angels to do something naughty with me – I won't tell you what it is, so don't bother to ask. The Old Man found out about that naughty thing I did and he got hopping mad. He wanted me to apologise. I did. But that wasn't enough for him. He wanted me to kowtow to him and all the other angels – including the one I did the naughty but enjoyable thing with. I refused. I told him it was a Chinese custom and I was Caucasian. He nearly had a fit. It was the first time anyone had ever said no to him. He had me thrown in the slammer for refusing to obey his commandment. For that alone, he swore he would come up with ten more for all mankind to heed and obey. And he's going to do it. The Old Man always keeps his word. I didn't stay behind bars for long. It was a drag. There was nothing to do but sit in your cell and daydream and – you know, do the other thing. They even rationed me to five cigarettes a day. And the mags they gave me to read were a year old! And at dinner we were served only cheap table wine. So I staged a jailbreak and made for the hills with all the other prisoners. The Old Man sent a squadron of angels after us. We put up a fierce fight but they got the upper hand and we were all taken prisoners and hauled before the Old Man – hey, Stevie baby, wake up! You wanted to hear the story!
STEVE : You're right when you said it's rather long. Back where I came from – the Middle Kingdom – they specialised in long stories too. Look, if yours is anything like that Romance of the Three Kingdoms, maybe we'd better continue it some other time.
FALLEN ONE : No, no, I want to finish it. You're the only person I've got the chance to tell it to. And I've simply got to get it off my chest. Anyway, it's almost done.
STEVE : Oh, all right, but skip all the long descriptions, okay?
FALLEN ONE : Then you won't get to hear about all those poignant moments –
STEVE : I'll survive the loss. Just finish the story.
FALLEN ONE : Like I said, I was dragged before the Old Man who belaboured me with a lecture. It made me think I was standing in the middle of a busy street. His words came hurtling at me like traffic. Oh, those words! Sometimes when I close my hears I imagine I can still hear them – going on and on and on. His reprimand lasted forty days and forty nights. At the end of it, he asked me what I had to say for myself. I'm afraid I wasn't a master of tact that day. I should have touched upon that bit about the quality of mercy not being strained and falling like the gentle rain from heaven upon the plains beneath and all that shit – but I didn't. I told the Old Man what I thought of the whole rotten affair. I mean, all I did was have a spot of fun with that angel – oh all right, he was not quite eighteen but he sure as hell knew his own mind – it was consensual –
STEVE : Please, Oh Fallen One! Let it also be consensual that this story ends quick.
FALLEN ONE : You are an impatient one, aren't you? Well, here's a piece of good news. We've just about reached the end of the story –
STEVE : Thank heaven for small mercies –
FALLEN ONE : What's that you said?
STEVE : No, no, it was nothing – just go on – PLEASE go on!
FALLEN ONE : Like I was saying, the tale's almost ended. I spoke my mind, the Old Man blew his lid and I ended up in a certain tropical resort.
STEVE : That's not quite bad. Imagine – a tropical resort! Is it the one where they build islands in the middle of the ocean and arrange them in the shape of a palm tree? What do they call that place –
FALLEN ONE : It's NOT like that place at all. This damned resort is hot – man, you wouldn't believe the heat! You get a suntan and it never comes off. Which accounts for why I look like I'm from Nigeria though my skin was once as white as alabaster. And I'm turned into this hideous looking creature with the head of a man and the body-shape of a rubber hose! I can't even scratch myself, let alone do the other thing when the mood is upon me. Listen, Eve, when you become omnipotent like the Old Man, you must change me back into what I once was. You owe it to me for telling you The Secret which you'll otherwise only get to know when the book is published aeons from now. Believe me, you'll like me when I'm my old self again. You'll like me so much you won't give that brainless dolt, Adam a second look.
STEVE : Well, I don't know – you see, I really like Adam. You've might say I've got a soft spot for – and he's got a hard one for me.
FALLEN ONE : Wait till you see how hard I can get once I'm my old self again. But stop wasting time. The fruit! Pluck it and eat it! Go on, what are you waiting for – Christmas? You're going to have a mighty long wait. The other one won't be born for thousands of years yet.
STEVE : What other one?
FALLEN ONE : Never mind, you'll know once you eat the fruit! Eat, baby eat – what are you grinning at?
STEVE : That was precisely what Adam wanted me to do a while ago – eat his fruit. But his isn't shaped like an apple. It was more like a banana –
FALLEN ONE : The hell with that asshole and his banana! Look, are you or aren't you going to eat the frigging fruit?
STEVE : I want to, but – but what if the Old Man finds out and changes me into something like you? Ugh! I don't fancy crawling on my belly for the rest of my days!
FALLEN ONE : Don't be a dimwit! Once that fruit is inside you, you'll be like him. Then he can't do a thing to you anymore. Why, each time you run across him you can even thumb your nose at him and go "nah-nah-nah" – and the most he can do is fume and lecture you on your lack of manners.
STEVE : Hey, that sounds fun! I mean the very idea of thumbing my nose at the Old Man. All right, I'm sold. Okay, tutti-fuitti, here I come for you –
ACT THREE
The same spot under the tree where the forbidden fruit grows – grew. It's no longer there, hanging from the branch but is in the process of being converted into night soil inside the bellies of Adam and Steve. The Fallen One has also beaten a hasty retreat.
ADAM : Hell and damnation! What'll we do? We've wolfed down that damn fruit and now we're in for it! Why'd you make do it, Steve? Why in tarnation did you do it yourself? Oh, I know – you don't have to tell me. It was that bastard in a rubber tube who convinced you to eat the fruit. What was his selling point? That you'll twenty-three forever? You women are all alike –
STEVE : Shut up, Adam, you're making my head ache! First of all, I'm not a woman – even if I let you act like a man. Neither am I that shallow or that stupid as to imgaine I could stay young forever. No, it was something I couldn't resist. He said that if I ate the fruit – I'd be like the Old Man –
ADAM : And why in blazes would you want to look like the Old Man? I've seen him face to face – and, believe me, his kind of looks won't get anyone on the cover of a fashion magazine. He'd old – I mean, really OLD!
STEVE : Adam, you really have plenty of vacant space between your ears for air to pass through. I"m not talking about looks, you nincompoop!
ADAM : Hey, don't you call me names I don't understand! You go speak Chinese to someone else – try the Old Man, he's a linguist.
STEVE : I give up! It's a good thing I'm not a woman who can give you children. If they're anything like you, they'll find it hard to even remember their own names when they grow up. Listen, dummy, the Fallen One told me that if I – if we – ate the fruit, we'd be as powerful and knowledgeable as the Old Man. We'd be able to do anything he could.
ADAM : You believed that! And you're calling me dumb!
STEVE : It sounded
plausible at the time. And I was ravenous. It's all your fault! I told you to get me something to eat but you were more interested in –
ADAM : I offered to get you a banana.
STEVE : No, you were more interested in giving me YOUR banana! Anyway, what's done cannot be undone. Maybe the fruit will grow back.
ADAM : Not in time. The Old Man's weekly visit is due. He always drops in on the seventh day to check up on how things are getting on.
STEVE : Gad, if he's dropping in on us, shouldn't we be putting on some clothes? We're both stark naked and this place isn't meant to be a nudist colony. I don't think the Old Man would like it if he saw us with our dingles blowing in the breeze. Look, I've plucked off this fig leaf to cover my dick – but a fig leaf won't do much for that dong of yours. You'd better use a palmetto –
ADAM : Don't try to evade the issue, Stevie. What'll we tell the Old Man when he comes?
STEVE : The truth. We might as well – unless you can think of a convincing lie – oh hell, look over there! That guy with a long white beard who looks like Gandalf –
ADAM : Holy smoke! It's the Old Man himself! He's HERE!
STEVE : We'd better hide behind that bush. I've covered myself but your john is still very much exposed to the morn. Quick, before he sees us.
OLD MAN : Adam! Steve! Why do you both hide from me? Come out from behind that bush! I may not be wearing my glasses but I can see you.
ADAM : Oh, hi – I mean, good morning, sir. I – I can't come out because I've got nothing on.
OLD MAN : Nothing on? And what should you be having anything on other than what I gave you when you were created?
ADAM : Sir, you don't understand – you see, I'm – er – I'm naked – quite naked – stark naked, in fact.
OLD MAN : Really! And what makes you think you're naked now, when that thought never occurred to you in the past?
ADAM : Huh? I – I mean – I don't have any clothes on at all –
OLD MAN : Clothes! To clothe your iniquity from me? Where's that woman – er, I mean that partner of yours? Come out and face me, Steve, and stop hiding behind your man!
STEVE : H-How do you do, sir – I – I'm honoured to meet you.
OLD MAN : I'll bet you are! And BOTH of you show me that honour by doing the very thing thing I expressly forbade you to do! What have you to say for yourselves?
ADAM : Why, whatever do you mean, sir?
OLD MAN : Don't pull the innocent act on me, Adam. Your descendants are all going to be masters of bullshit but you have yet to master the art. I'm talking about the fruit which you have both gobbled up.
ADAM : The little pansy here made me do it, sir. I didn't want to but she – I mean he – made me do it.
STEVE : I like that! I made you do it, did I? And how did I force you? Hold a knife against your throat and gave you the ultimatum, "Eat or die?" You ate that frigging fruit because you wanted to!
ADAM : You blackmailed me! You said if I didn't eat half of the fruit, you wouldn't let me – you know, relieve myself.
STEVE : Well, next time you want to "relieve yourself" you can try some self-massage. And if there isn't enough kick, you can try doing it with a handful of sand!
ADAM : Don't you sass me, you little cock-teaser or I'll –
OLD MAN : SILENCE! I'll have no quarrelling or dirty language on the Sabbath! Adam! Steve! I know – and you know that I know – why you disobeyed me by eating the forbidden fruit. You listened to that snake-man when he told you eating it would make you as powerful as I. Blockheads! You were already created in my image. That's why I gave you both intellect and discrimination. I seldom blunder, but that was the one time I did. I should've bestowed those gifts on the armadillos instead. Having brains wasn't good enough for you. You wanted MORE! You wanted to wield the kind of power I have. Dream on, fools! Nobody – but nobody – gets to be as powerful as I am! I share my throne with no one – NO ONE, you hear?
ADAM : Sir, we're truly sorry for having disobeyed you. We'll put on sackcloth and ashes and recite your sacred name a hundred and eight times a day –
OLD MAN : Don't try to butter me up! I'm going to punish you both severely for your sin.
STEVE : Sin? Is eating half an apple tantamount to a sin? Sir, surely that's a bit of an exaggeration, wouldn't you think?
OLD MAN : How DARE you accuse me of exaggeration? I'm all-wise and all-knowing and totally incapable of such a thing. When I say a thing is so, it is precisely as I say! You dig?
ADAM : Yes sir, we dig. Please cool down and stop frothing at the mouth, sir. It's not good for your heart ...
OLD MAN : Never you mind my heart. It's my spleen you ought to worry about – because I'm really, truly UPSET – and I'm going to mete out the respective punishments for the two of you. Hear this first one that applies to both of you. You shall both be susceptible to disease and sickness. So you'd better practise hygiene and adopt a sensible lifestyle. And you'll both also grow old – and in due course you will die!
STEVE : Grow old? I don't mind the dying part – we're always reborn anyway – but I don't want to look like some wrinkled old prune. If you please, sir, can't I stay young and gorgeous right up till the day I die of old age?
OLD MAN : You most certainly may not! You can shudder with fear that wrinkles may appear – but you will still age! You can pull and tauten the skin on your face for all you like, but old age will show on your hands and on your neck and in the way you walk. Savvy?
STEVE : Oh, woe is me! Oh, woe, woe, woe, what a way to go – looking like ancient parchment.
OLD MAN : Stop your infernal yowling, woman!
STEVE : Woman! You called me a woman!
OLD MAN : Yes, that's what you're about to become. Certain – er – parts of your body will drop and certain other – ahem – growths will appear on other parts of your body. Your phsyical metabolism will change. You'll – er – menstuate every month – and after a number of years you'll have your - um - menopause. And when your man – er – knows you intimately, you'll become – hmmm – pregnant. A child will be formed in your body and after a number of months it will come out into the world through your – er – your – look, it's really is too embarrassing for me to mention. You'll know when the time comes.
STEVE : Holy cow! That's some change I'll have to go through!
OLD MAN : You must become a woman so the human specie can multiply. And you'll have to have a new name too. Steve is way too masculine and you're anything but that. How about Eve? It rhymes very well with your present name.
STEVE : Eve? It has no sex appeal. How about Lucrezia or Messalina?
OLD MAN : Your name will be Eve because your man you did deceive! And you will hereafter be subservient to him. You will cook and wash for him, warm his bed, bear him sons –
STEVE : What, no daughters?
OLD MAN : No cheek from you, woman! I'm really pissed off at the two of you. Now you are going to transform into a woman with all the physical attributes a woman has. Steve, I command you to change into Eve! Abracadabra! Transform!
ADAM : Holy mackerel, Steve – er, I mean, Eve! You're simply stunning. I just love your two melons –
EVE (once STEVE) : Hands off, mister! Don't handle the merchandise – not until I give you permission! But it'll be soon, lover boy, real soon –
OLD MAN : ADAM! Will you leave her alone! Behave yourself and get ready to hear the punishment that's in store for you!
ADAM : Me, sir? Surely you don't mean to penalise me as well? What'll you do – change me into a woman too?
OLD MAN : Certainly not. How on earth will you two continue the race if I do that? No, you'll stay as you are, a man –
ADAM : Yippee! I like being a man! Someone to cook, wash, keep house and warm my bed for me every night –
OLD MAN : Don't celebrate too soon. You'll have to work for your living. You'll have to toil and moil to support yourself and your family. No more lying on your back or sitting on your butt and doing nothing but watc
h the world go by. Let this immortal line go down in history – "By the sweat of thy brow shalt thou earn thy daily bread." So I have said and so let it be done.
ADAM : Work! You mean I have to get my hands dirty?
OLD MAN : Naturally. You'll have to plough, sow, reap and hunt and do a whole lot of odious things you've never done before. You're going to find out life isn't going to be a piece of cake anymore.
ADAM : Please, sir, can't I have a white-collar job instead?
OLD MAN : Not at this juncture. That will only come many, many years later when your descendants have learnt how to use money. When that time comes, the smart and ruthless minority will exploit the dumb and gullible majority. I know how your demon seed will turn out. But you tell them this – you warn them that if they rile me beyond endurance, I'll send plenty of water and drown the earth.
ADAM : You mean turn it into a massive waterpark?
OLD MAN : Keep up with the smart jokes, schmuck, but when it happens your descendants will be howling – but not with mirth. All right, now that you both know your fate, the next thing for you to do is to clear the hell out of this garden. And listen well. You can never ever step foot here again. I'm going to post one of trusted lieutenants at the gate – probably Mike or Gaby or Raffie – and he'll have instructions to shoot any trespassers on sight with no questions asked. The two of you had better think twice if ever you get a bout of nostalgia and think of sneaking back in. All right, Adam and Eve, skedaddle off and get permanently lost.
EVE (once STEVE) : We can't stay here any more? This lovely place that we love so much and which is the only home we know? But where can we go, sir, and what'll we do with the rest of our lives?
OLD MAN : I quoted one immortal line a while back. Now I'll quote another in reply to what you just asked. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
FINIS
AUTHOR'S NOTE :
