Her grandfather promised to speak to him. Rhett got him the damn parking space. When would Vincenzo take care of his part of the bargain and knock some sense into his thick-headed son?
“I haven’t been home. I’ve been avoiding everyone.”
He put his foot on the first step and she paced backwards a step, telling him she preferred the distance.
“I…regret abandoning you at the party. I should have protected you better.”
He didn’t know how to make this right. His greatest fear was that she’d take herself and all her affection away, without ever explaining it to him. And he would once again prove unlovable.
“I don’t want to lose you, Skylar. I want everything to go back to the way it was.”
“I don’t know if things can go back to the way they were. People know about us. It isn’t right for me to live with you and work for you.”
“Who cares what people know? It’s none of their business.”
“I don’t want to be the town scandal.”
“You’re not. There’s nothing wrong with us being together. They’re just a bunch of bored gossips making noise. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It does to me.” She looked down and smiled sadly. “Did you know, the night of the ball was my first time?”
Shame burned through him. “I…suspected.”
“I had plenty of chances before, but I never cared about anyone enough, until I met you. I don’t know how people do this and keep it casual, Rhett.” Her hand rubbed over her chest. “This doesn’t feel casual. Casual doesn’t hurt.”
He ached, too. “It’s not casual.”
Secrets and unshed tears danced in her eyes as she looked at him. “I’m terrified you’ll suspect the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart and run away screaming.”
His greatest fears were his own inadequacies. He worried he wouldn’t be able to match her affection because no one ever showed him how. But he was willing to try. “I won’t run.”
“Are you sure?” She looked at him with sad acceptance. “You never even tell Addison you love her, and she’s your daughter. I need to feel loved, Rhett. I want someone who isn’t afraid to tell me.”
A lump formed in his throat. “That isn’t fair.”
“Why isn’t it? This is what I want, what I need.”
And he wanted to give it to her, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to care without the fear that he would eventually be cast aside and crushed all over again. Every experience he had with others proved nothing was permanent. Even Addison would one day leave him to make a life of her own, he just prayed he was a good enough father to her that she still came back to visit from time to time.
He did his best to take care of his child and show her what a decent man should do. He didn’t have a father, so he had no personal experiences to draw from, but he remembered the families he watched on television and tried to do his best by her.
“Just because I don’t say certain words, doesn’t mean I don’t feel something for those I care about. I love my daughter.”
Why did that word feel so unsafe to say? He despised the sense of vulnerability and fear it stirred.
Her mouth formed a weak smile. “You should tell her that.”
“Isn’t it more important that I show her?” He showed Addy affection every day by taking care of her and taking interest in her. “Why does everyone always want so much more than I can give?” So much more than I was ever given? “I’m doing my best.”
“Do you love me?”
Her question shot through him like cannon fire, leaving an aching void too wide to close. Pain slipped from the hole left by her words, exposing all the empty secrets he hid. How could he measure something he’d never felt before?
“I…”
Her head lowered and twin tears rushed down her cheeks.
“Damn it, Skylar, why do we have to label it? Why can’t we just be happy with what it is?”
Did she love him? Why did he have to say it first? What if he loved her and then she lost interest in him? How would he survive that?
She lifted her head, and blinked away anymore tears. “I’ll go get Addison.”
He grit his teeth. “I thought you said she could stay.”
“I think it might be better, now, if you take her home. Tomorrow’s the day before Christmas Eve. I’m sure you two have things to do.”
She disappeared into the house and returned a few minutes later with Addison bundled in her arms. He climbed the steps and collected his daughter, her weight in his arms an instant comfort to his soul.
He carried her to the car and Skylar followed but kept her distance. His daughter only slightly stirred when he buckled her inside, but then quickly fell back to sleep.
He started the car with a click of a button and faced Skylar. “When will I see you again? What do I tell her?”
“Tell her I love her.”
What about me, he wanted to shout. When would he finally hear those words from someone who mattered?
He caught her hand and brought her fingers to his lips. “You’re freezing.”
He shrugged off his coat and draped it over her shoulders, pulling the lapels together as he looked into her eyes. Sure enough, tracks of tears showed on her skin. He couldn’t help himself. He hugged her.
Her arms bunched between them, providing a modicum of distance, but he held her tight anyway. Was this ache in his chest love? How could something so sought-after hurt so much?
“I’ll fix this. I’ll show you.” He kissed her head and stepped back, afraid to let her go. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Please answer the phone.”
She nodded and he released her, stepping to the driver’s side door.
“Rhett?”
Hope rose in his chest and he pivoted. “Yes?”
“Don’t let Erin watch Addison anymore. Call me if you need someone to sit with her.”
He had questions but lacked the strength. His mind wasn’t on work so he didn’t waste much thought on her request. But he did realize this meant she still intended to see Addy, which meant she’d also see him.
He trusted her without needing to hear her reasons. “Okay.”
She pulled off his coat and placed it on the passenger seat, quietly shutting the door. “Drive safely.”
22
“Skylar, move your culi! This order’s gettin’ cold and we’ve got three more in the hopper!”
Despite how sweaty she was from working in the kitchen, she put her wool hat on her head and bundled back up for another delivery.
It was the day before Christmas Eve, which meant the takeout orders were running nonstop, on top of the catering orders they still had to prepare for tomorrow’s customers. Half the dining room was covered with trays of manicotti while the other half was draped with homemade pasta airing out to dry.
Thanks to her family, families all over Jasper Falls could have a nice home-cooked meal from someone else’s kitchen on Christmas Eve.
“Skylar!”
“I’m going!” She took the box and plucked the receipt off the front, holding it between her teeth as she used her butt to push open the front door of the restaurant.
The blustery cold cut right through her coat. This was how people got sick. She was sweating and freezing at the same time. Luckily, her grandfather had somehow managed a permanent parking spot for deliveries, so she didn’t have far to trek by foot.
She punched the address into her GPS only to recognize it at the last second. Rolling her eyes, she headed toward her cousin, Ryan’s, house.
She appreciated when her family ordered from the restaurant, especially around the holidays, because they always tipped generously. However, the deliveries took twice as long because relatives always wanted updates on any family gossip. Being that she was the recent gossip, she didn’t have much to say.
“Stay for a beer,” Ryan begged, already a little tuned up himself.
“I can’t. I’m driving.”
His wife Maggie plated out two slices. “Leave her alone, Ryan. She has other deliveries to make.”
“Fine.” He took his plate and shoveled half the slice into his mouth, taking an enormous bite. “Well, I guess we’ll see you on Christmas.”
“I’ll be there.”
He slid her a few extra dollars. “Have fun at your fish feast.”
“I will, thanks. Merry Christmas!” She rushed out the door and dove into the heat of her car.
Christmas Eve belonged to her Italian relatives. They had the usual Feast of the Seven Fishes, and yes, it was absolute insanity with everyone screaming over each other, bickering about how much salt should be used to brine the bacalao, drinking way too much red wine before midnight mass, and then staying up until Christmas morning playing cards. It was one of her favorite holidays of the year, but this year she was dreading it.
She hadn’t been home or spoken to her father, but there would be no avoiding him tomorrow. Her mother had called a few times, but Skylar let it go to voicemail.
She knew how they worked. Her dad likely already convinced her mom of his side, and that’s all she’d see. Sometimes the two of them were more like teenagers and inseparable best friends rather than rational thinking adults. Skylar didn’t feel like dealing with their opinions.
The next delivery was to a house on the west side of town then it was back to the restaurant to pick up three more orders. They were in the final stretch, and stores were preparing to close so the holiday could officially begin, but, for her family, there was still a ton of work to do.
Come Christmas day, after a long day of cooking and celebrating on Christmas Eve, they would open presents then head over to the big house where Gran and the great-aunts would be cooking up a storm. No matter what the temperature was each year, the heat stayed off and all the windows remained open, and it was still a sauna inside. That’s what happened when a hundred big mouths and a hundred pounds of hot food filled every inch of free space in the big house.
Christmas was one freakishly chaotic meal, but no amount of mayhem could save her from the unwanted confrontations that waited. She knew, without a doubt, her Uncle Colin would make a point to talk to her, and she dreaded the thought.
She stopped by Rhett’s house earlier. He and Addison were gone and the house was empty.
She packed her personal belongings but couldn’t fit everything in one trip. Once she had her laptop, she contacted her professor and apologized for dropping out of the course without notice.
She explained the situation, and that there was no possible way to bring up her F, so it was what it was. She’d never actually failed a class before, and it didn’t feel good. But it also didn’t feel quite as terrible as she imagined. Maybe she was disassociating.
She was on the road most of the night making deliveries, which gave her plenty of time with her thoughts. She’d talked to Rhett a few times on the phone after swinging by his house, but their calls were quiet and subdued, except when Addison took the phone to say hello. She still needed time to think, so there wasn’t much she could say.
She’d laid her feelings on the line the other night and told him what she needed. She knew he wanted her back, but she needed to move forward with open eyes. She didn’t want to pressure him, but she also couldn’t ignore what her heart wanted. She was falling in love with him and couldn’t bear the idea of falling for someone who wouldn’t love her back.
If anything, this whole experience taught her that she was not a casual kind of girl. She wanted monogamy and she wanted substance. She needed to be honest with him, and honest with herself.
The truth was, she wanted a love as open and accepting as the love her grandparents shared. She wanted the friendship her parents had. Those things couldn’t exist without open communication, and right now, Rhett seemed incapable of expressing how he felt.
But a relationship was two sided. She hadn’t been clear about expressing her needs until he stopped by her grandmothers the other day. Only then did she have the courage to tell him she needed a man capable of love. Since then, she’d been sick to her stomach, fearing she might have asked for too much.
Her heart broke at the thought that this might actually be their end. She had to stay true to herself. Not only did she need a man capable of loving her, but she wanted a wild and riotous love. She needed a man capable of expressing his affection through more than physical touch.
If Rhett couldn’t give her those things…
If he couldn’t speak such words…
Deep down, she believed he felt them, but he refused to let her in. She didn’t want to date someone who locked his emotions behind walls.
She didn’t want to let him go. She wanted them to work this out and grow closer. But this might just be all he could offer and she would have to accept his limits. And, if she truly wanted an open and honest love, she would have to make the difficult choice to put herself first and walk away from any man who refused to open his heart—even if leaving him meant breaking hers.
Yes, he claimed to want her back, but she wasn’t sure how much that had to do with Addison and how much had to do with their relationship. And was it a relationship, or was it merely sex for him? She still wasn’t sure, and her lack of experience made her extra cautious.
It had been so much more than sex for her. The way he looked at her and took an interest in her thoughts and opinions, those weren’t sexual things. Intimate things, yes, but not sexual.
She took the same interest in him, but the deeper she dug the harder he worked to hide parts of his past. Didn’t he realize she only wanted to know him. She would never judge him unfairly or use his secrets to hurt him. She only wanted to take care of him.
It didn’t help that she had no one, aside from her grandmother at the moment, to speak to about everything she was feeling. Many of her friends were home for the holidays, but only for a short time. Everyone was busy with family and she wasn’t speaking to much of hers.
When the deliveries ended for the night, she returned to the restaurant. The dining room was closed so her aunts turned up the stereo. Frank Sinatra sang “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” as Skylar and her aunts layered lasagna and stuffed pasta shells with ricotta.
She watched her dad’s sisters work, wondering why they never got married. They were each beautiful and nurturing in their own crazy way.
Nonna brought out a plate of cannoli and the work stopped so they could sample the batch.
“Delicious, Ma,” Angela said.
“What is this, happy hour?” Her grandfather came out of the kitchen, catching them all gathered around the cannoli tray. “We have work to do!”
“Shush, Vinnie. Here. Eat a cannoli.” Nonna stuffed the cheese filled shell in his mouth and he laughed, pretending to smoke it like a cigar.
The music shifted to Frank’s, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” and her grandfather pulled Nonna into his arms, nuzzling her shoulder and twirling her into a spin. The aunts got back to work, but Skylar watched her grandparents dance.
The steam on the window was a perfect winter backdrop against the snow. The air smelled of tomato and basil and all her favorite things.
“Sky, you done with this tray?” Aunt Nicky asked.
Skylar couldn’t pull her stare away from the happy dancing couple. “Look at them. Have you ever seen a couple more in love?”
“You’re drunk. All they do is fight.”
Skylar smiled. “Maybe that’s how they say I love you.”
She wondered if it was hypocritical of her to think love could only be expressed in a four letter word. As she watched her grandparents dance and smile into each other’s eyes, so evidently in love, she wondered if she’d ever actually heard them say I love you to each other.
Perhaps people communicated love in many different languages. Was she too focused on her own love language to hear Rhett’s?
As Sinatra crooned out the last line if only
in my dreams her grandfather dipped Nonna and kissed her cheek.
Skylar didn’t get back to the big house until well after midnight. She expected to find the house dark, but Gran and Pop were curled up on the couch watching It’s a Wonderful Life.
“Did you eat, Skylar?” Gran asked as soon as she took off her coat.
“Yes, at the restaurant.” For once, her grandfather wasn’t in his recliner, so Skylar sat in the old, battered chair.
Her grandparents leaned into each other on the sofa, Gran’s lap full of yarn and knitting needles while Pop held a big empty bowl that had been filled with some sort of snack.
“How often do you two say I love you?” Skylar asked, stealing their attention from Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed.
“Every day,” her grandmother declared. “But I have to wait about a decade to hear it back.”
Pop looked at her as if she were crazy. “I tell you every time I hang up the phone or leave the house, woman. Maybe if you ever stopped talking and actually listened to what other people around you said, you’d hear me more often.”
She grinned. Even if Pop didn’t say it as often, there had never been a man who loved a woman as completely as he loved his wife.
“Why do you ask?” Gran wondered.
She shrugged. “Some people aren’t as affectionate as us. I’m trying to understand why.”
“Some people don’t know how.”
Skylar frowned. “What’s to know?”
Her grandmother glanced at her grandfather. “Some men can’t express their emotions, and they don’t much like feeling them either, especially when their life experiences haven’t taught them much about the nice ones. Sometimes they fear loving others because they worry it will open them up to more pain.”
Skylar’s frown deepened. Did Rhett have a painful past? Had someone hurt him? Broken his heart? Perhaps Addison’s mother had wronged him and that was why they weren’t together. There was only one way to find out.
That night, as she lie awake in bed, Skylar thought of all the ways Rhett made her feel loved. Sometimes it was a gesture, other times it was a look or touch. His actions gave away his feelings more than his words.
Pining For You: Jasper Falls Page 22
