Divided (Unguarded #2)

by Ivy Stone

  He gestures toward the booth where his squad is sitting, but I can’t force my eyes away from him. I can’t ignore the knives still cutting into my chest despite his apology.

  “I shouldn’t want you. I’m trying not to want you, Ali. I’m thirty-four years old. You’re twenty-two. A recovering drug addict and a victim of long-term abuse. You need time to heal and figure out what you want in life now that you actually have a chance at a decent one,” his voice fades as he tips his chin down to his chest.

  My brows knit in confusion and I shake my head. “I already know what I want. Do you really think I haven’t spent every day for the past ten years wondering what my life could have been like had I made different choices? I don’t need time, Roamyn. I love you.”

  Surprise sinks in at my confession of love. His jaw ticks and he glances away, eyes unsure. The strain on his face tells me everything I don’t want to know.

  Whether he loves me or not, he’s not going to say it. He doesn’t want this. Us.

  I swallow back nausea and ball my fists by my side. Anger blankets the hurt but brings no comfort.

  “You know I always thought you were so strong. But you’re not. You’re just as scared as I am because you can’t control this, what we have. And you sure as hell can’t control me and you hate it. I know why you can’t stand feeling powerless. I don’t like it either. But at least, I’m not afraid to take a chance.” My breath comes out heavy. “Happy Birthday, Roam,” I mutter, before turning around to leave. I want to forget the night ever happened. I want to rewind the clock and never hear his true feelings because all it’s done is make everything messy. I’ve never loved him and hated him as much as I do in this moment.

  I love that he wants me.

  But I hate it’s not enough for him to take a chance on us.

  Roamyn’s hand secures around my waist. “Ali.”

  “No. Don’t,” I plead with him with my eyes. “Please, don’t say it.”

  The pain of a million pins, stab me in the chest but it doesn’t overpower the loss of Roamyn’s touch when he drops his hand from my waist and steps away. He flattens his lips into a hard line and reality smacks me in the face. He’s letting me walk away. From the bar. From us. From him. I wipe the wetness from my face and breathe in courage I don’t have because I have to keep it together, no matter how badly I want to fall apart. I don’t want to let him see his effect on me. It’ll prove everything he just said about time and healing to be true.

  “Excuse me,” I mumble, turning away from a pain stricken Roamyn and other bodies dancing on top of another. The green exit sign illuminates in the distance. I reach the door of the bar and a wave of relief crashes into me as my resolve cracks further. The reprieve doesn’t last long when two familiar faces walk straight into me.

  “Shit, sorry.” I reach out to steady the girl, I bumped into. They are both dressed in glittery short dresses and heels that make them taller than the average man. Two girls Adriana and I used to hang out with greet me with their usual over the top dramatics of bright smiles and annoying cheeriness. I internally groan at the terrible timing.

  “Ali you have to stay for a drink with us.” Lea’s eyes light up and Anna nods, agreeing.

  “Come on girl, we haven’t seen you in forever. Just one, pleeease?” Anna drags out her please and I pull my phone out of my pocket to check the time.

  I nibble on my lip against my better judgment, force a small smile and give in. “All right. One drink. But only water for me. Then I really have to go.”

  I slide my phone back into my pocket. Lea claps her hands together and before I can back out they come up either side of me, linking their arms in mine and drag me back toward the bar. I don’t know what possessed me to stay. To endure the torture of being in the same room as Roamyn yet pretending we’re nothing more than strangers. A part of me wants to watch him suffer just as I am. To let him see me sitting here with two gorgeous girls, laughing, talking, getting hit on by the occasional guy, acting like I didn’t just have the only man I’ve ever loved rip my heart out of my chest. I want him to see me strong, not weak. Even if it’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever had, it was too late to change my mind. My head’s no longer ruling any decisions, my battered heart has taken control.

  I swallow hard. Razors cut down my entire esophagus. My eyes settle onto Ali, who’s bent over the sidewalk with Cassidy rubbing her back. Maybe the pain is payback. Watching Ali slurring as she reaches for her sister and vomits instead, is payback. A big fuck you for breaking her heart. Well, mission fucking accomplished.

  She wants me to suffer? This is suffering.

  She wants me to feel it too? I fucking feel it.

  I can feel the disappointment, a slow burn. Disintegrating with every drop of hope I’d had that she was stronger than this. Mason’s glare burns into me from the corner of my eye and I meet him head on with a frown to match his own because I’m angry too.

  I’m angry Ali gave in to an addiction I know she can fight.

  I’m angry at myself for letting her walk away believing I won’t fight for us. I am. I will. But everything she said was a shock to my system. For the most part, she was right. And I needed time to process what it means. To deal. I’ve fought for control after having none. I never want to feel helpless again but with her I have no choice. I’m powerless against her, but for the first time in my life, I don’t hate it. At least, I thought I didn’t. Until now. It’s as if time has rewound. The past is on repeat, the Ali I used to know has taken center stage. Stumbling. Drowsy. Off-her-fucking-face-intoxicated in Lindsey’s arms. If this thing we have is love. Then this is fucking heartbreak in its finest, most excruciating motherfucking form. The pain squeezing my heart becomes unbearable. I shove my hands down to rest on my hips and turn my head away. I can’t watch anymore. I can’t be the only one believing in her. I can’t save her if she doesn’t want to save herself.

  Cassidy’s low voice cuts through the tension filled air. “Well, I’m going to find Eli and head off. Ali’s got who she needs, so I’ll catch you all later.”

  She eyes Lindsey with a tight smile, tone thick with emotion and it must resonate something in each of us because as I cough past the lump rising in my throat, Lindsey squirms, her eyes etching with pain and Mason pulls her into him with a reassuring squeeze.

  Mason nods to Cassidy while Lindsey and I stay silent, the only noise now the background sounds of the bar and the music drifting out. “Thanks, Cassidy.”

  Cassidy shakes her head and puts her bag in her other hand up under her arm, securing it between it and her body. “It’s no problem. Bye, guys.” She waves off. Ali groans softly, the painful sound tethering my resolve.

  “You’re safe now, Ali. I’m out—”

  “No. Roam wait,” Ali cuts me off and pulls herself up from the ground. I stand tall, my body rigid as she clutches her stomach, face contorting in agony. Everything in me screams to comfort her but I force my arms to stay by my side. Not this time.

  “Can’t do this shit again, Ali. I’m going home, you should too.” I turn away, unable to look at her, to see her face soften with hurt and weaken me down.

  Her hair flicks from side to side and she shakes her head. Grabbing it with her hands. “You don’t understand. I didn’t touch any alcohol. I didn’t take anything.” She powers forward, racing into me, gripping onto the front of my shirt while her whole body trembles as she holds back the tears glassing her eyes with wetness. “You have to believe me. I wouldn’t, not anymore…” she trails off, her pleading gaze never leaving mine. Every part of me wants to believe her, but how can I when this is what she does? What she’s always done?

  I grab hold of each of her wrists, pulling her hands off me, but I don’t let her go. I lower our hands between us. My jaw clenches, and I look to the ground. “That’s the thing, babe. I don’t believe you.” I drop her hands letting go and walk away because tonight, she needs to save herself.

  I never thought I’d been in love
until tonight. For the past seven years, I’ve felt something for this girl who’s grown into the woman I’ve never gone a day without thinking about. Is it love? Is it love when it pushes every boundary? When despite being with other people, I still—always have, considered her mine? The only thing I’m sure of is my heart stops in the first moment I see her for the day. Hearing the lightness in her laugh warms my insides like nothing else ever has. And when I witnessed her at her worst, my feet didn’t fight the urge the run. They pushed forward with the pining need to pick up every broken piece of her and be the reason she found the strength to hold on. But everyone has a limit and I’d just reached mine. If I’m going to fight for us. I need her to fight for herself.

  My eyes connect with the clock.

  Half an hour.

  I rake a hand through my hair, slink back into the uncomfortable hospital chair without so much as I glance at Lindsey. A half hour we’ve been sitting here—with the sick, the elderly, babies crying—waiting for an answer on what drugs were in my system.

  Lindsey’s hand comes to rest on top of mine. “Hey. It’s okay. I’m sure it won’t be much longer now.”

  Her words bring comfort but they don’t suppress the unease sitting in my stomach, despite knowing I never took any drugs or alcohol. She doesn’t know that all I really wanted two nights ago at the bar was to sink into a drug infused oblivion after Roamyn broke my heart. I wanted to forget everything he said, along with his dismissal. I craved it. I fought against it and I won. But as Lindsey’s perfect cherry red lips split into a small reassuring smile, some of the weight on my chest lifts. Because she believes me. I can see it in her eyes as much as I could recognize it in her voice. Warmth blankets my soul. If one good thing came from this ordeal, it’s this. If I’ve regained her faith, her trust, I’ll hold it close and never break it again. After the arrest, after what Roamyn had done and the chance I was going to prison, I slipped up. I went out. I found a guy. We took something we shouldn’t have and I ended up waking into Lindsey’s loft realizing I’d made yet another mistake. But this time it cost me everything I’d fought so hard to regain these past few years. My relationship with Lindsey. Shame stabbed me with every second she drilled her disappointing eyes into me. I couldn’t take it. Not from her, but I deserved no less.

  “I’m sorry, Lindsey.”

  Her brows gather in as her head angles to the side, long dark hair falling around her waist. “Sorry for what?”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t leave with you.” My voice loses power. My arms feel heavy as my past replays in the forefront of my mind. A knot forms in my belly and I watch my big sister wince. Without speaking, without voicing my pain she feels the aftermath of my biggest regret. Not leaving when she begged me to all those years ago.

  She sits up strong, looking me in the eyes.

  “We all make mistakes. They don’t define who we are but sometimes they can change us. Your mistakes changed you and that’s okay. You need to let it be okay, Ali.”

  She squeezes my hand, almost too tight. “You need to so you can move on.”

  I nod, trying to ignore the nausea rising fast. “I’m trying. It’s just so hard.” I lean my head in my hands, trying to soothe the throbbing ache in my skull.

  “Is the therapy not helping?” Lindsey’s voice takes a concerned turn.

  “Yeah, it is, and the good thing is I’m feeling again. But the bad thing is, I’m feeling again. It’s rough.”

  Lindsey’s face fills with understanding. She rubs my back and grabs my hand to pull me in for a hug. “We’ll get there, Ali. We’ll get there together.”

  My head falls on her shoulder and we sit, staring out into the busy waiting room.

  Side by side.

  Hand in hand.

  My mind clears and my heart lightens. I should have gone to Lindsey after the very first time Giuseppe punished me. But she’s right. What’s happened is in the past, and I can’t move forward if I can’t accept them for what they are—mistakes. Even if they are of epic proportions.

  “Alison Jenkins.”

  I twist my head toward the sound of my name and meet the warm smile of a middle-aged female doctor with paperwork in her hand and a stethoscope around her neck.

  “This way please.”

  She leads us past the nurses’ desk and down the hall into an examination room. Shutting the door behind us, she gets straight to it.

  “Alison your test results have come back positive for Rohypnol. A common drug used for date rape.” Her voice fades and relief sweeps me from my feet back into the chair behind me. I can still hear her talking to Lindsey but my mind’s blocked out everything else. My innocence has been proven. But the need to run to Roamyn shouting it from the rooftops doesn’t bombard me and see me to my feet, or have me pulling out my phone to call him. I’ve had over twenty-four hours of nothing but time to conquer the pain of heartbreak completely sober. To think over every word said, scrutinize every moment for what I could have done differently to make him say yes or make him believe me when I was hurling myself at him. But that’s the thing about love. You can’t control it anymore than you can control the person you’re in love with. I’d said everything I could. Done everything possible. Roamyn had seen me at my darkest, witnessed my highest of highs and my lowest of lows, I could never have expected him to believe I hadn’t taken any drugs. In that moment outside the bar, he’d lost confidence in me and I couldn’t blame him for it. But for the first time ever, I hadn’t lost it in myself. And that wave of belief was the only thing I needed right now to keep my head above the water.

  The morning sun glows through the office and I sip on my coffee in silence. I relax back in my chair and soak up a moment that rarely ever occurs. I’m never the first one in, but I couldn’t sleep. My mind is as scattered and as messy as the paperwork covering my desk. All I could think about was walking away from Ali three nights ago and everything I’d said. It haunted my sleep until I got out of bed and drove to work early for a distraction.

  Within five minutes the office doors open and Elias and Cassidy wander in bickering as per fucking usual, about something of absolutely no importance. I roll my eyes as they take no notice of me and move toward their desks.

  Cassidy double takes when she finally sees me. She stops, narrowing her eyes before pointing at me. “I’m confused. Are you actually here right now or did I get knocked about too hard last night and am now seeing things that aren’t real?” She looks back at the clock above the double doors to the office. “It’s seven thirty. Are you okay? Are you sick?”

  I grin at her sarcastic tone. “Ha-ha. I know what the time is.”

  She puts her hands up in surrender. “Okay. Just checking.”

  Elias and her both sit at their desks and Elias grills her about fighting. Again. Cassidy Kane aka, Cassidy Undefined, might be a detective by day, but she sure as hell isn’t at night. We only found out a few months ago she’s been training and fighting in MMA fights at an underground club in Manhattan. No idea why, but damn, the girl can kick any man’s ass. Mason walks in, texting on his phone with one hand, coffee in the other.

  “Morning,” he mutters on the way in and all three of us give him a ‘hey’ back.

  Stopping when he hears our voices he spins around, shooting each of us a glance before landing on me. “Is there a brief this morning that I forgot about? It’s only seven thirty.”

  Cassidy and Elias burst out laughing and I smack my hands down on my desk. “Yes. It’s seven fuckin’ thirty and I’m at work. Not really the strangest thing to ever happen.”

  Elias sits back, hands behind his head. “Actually, it kinda is.”

  I flip him off as Cassidy’s question catches my attention.

  “Hey boss, I meant to ask you, how’s Alison doing after the other night? Did you find out what happened?”

  Mason dumps his phone and coffee on Cassidy’s desk, the closest desk to him and rubs a hand over his face. He grimaces at me before turning back to Cassidy and my
insides plummet. “Yeah, we did. She never took anything, not knowingly. Drug test came back positive for Rohypnol. Some asshole drugged her, probably slipped something into her water.”

  My blood runs cold, seizing up my veins with ice.

  “She never took anything,” I mumble a truth I should have believed the moment she pleaded with agonizing eyes. From the haze she was drowning in, to the stumbling, it was a typical high Ali that had me frozen in a moment of disbelief. Disappointment kept me at a distance. But the helplessness chained my heart with steel and sent me running in the other direction. Did it make me a coward? To walk away from her because I couldn’t do it anymore? Because I couldn’t keep trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved? Because after years of a pain in my chest that never quite goes away I’d had enough? It hurt. It fucking killed me every time to watch her walk out of Sweet Tarts from afar, with a certain sway in her step and twinkle in her eyes only the high of Oxycontin brings her.

  I rake a hand through my hair. Fuck. What have I done?

  Mason comes to stand by me and slaps a hand on my shoulder on the way to his office. “Sorry, man. But no she didn’t.”

  Regret wastes no time pulling me under. I yank out my phone and dial her number. The call goes to voicemail and I call again. Her cheerfully fake voice sings through the phone and I cringe as her voicemail plays for me again.