The Armchair Detective In London: Series Three

by Ian Shimwell

  SERIES THREE

  Play Three

  www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com

  The Armchair Detective In London is Copyright Ian Shimwell © 2014

  ALSO AVAILABLE:

  The Armchair Detective Series One – The Complete ‘Boxed Set’

  The Armchair Detective Series Two

  AND IN SERIES THREE:

  The Armchair Detective At Christmas

  The Armchair Detective and the Peculiar Pocket Watch

  The Armchair Detective and the Mystery of Mandrake

  The

  Armchair

  Detective

  In London

  Ian Shimwell

  Contents

  Cast List

  Act One

  Act Two

  Act Three

  Cast List

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  DEBSY

  EDITOR LAW

  SALLY-ANNE

  LILIA

  TURNER

  CLARENCE

  RALPH

  GUIDE

  Act One

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  OLD TOM: Come in young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH enters the flat and then the living room.)

  TRENCH: Err…

  OLD TOM: Well, sit down man.

  TRENCH: Oh yes. (Belatedly, TRENCH sits down.) Two cups of tea?

  OLD TOM: Yes, Trench – one for me, and one for you.

  TRENCH: Hmm, are they cold enough Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Yes. Do you fancy some stale carrot cake?

  TRENCH: Err, please.

  OLD TOM: You’ll find a piece under your chair. Mine is under my armchair.

  (They both retrieve their respective slices of cake and then eat and drink.)

  OLD TOM: Is something the matter, Trench?

  TRENCH: Should there be?

  OLD TOM: You seem, shall we say, a bit vacant. Well, more vacant than usual, anyway.

  TRENCH: You’re going to shout at me.

  OLD TOM: Am I?

  TRENCH: I’ve broken the cardinal rule.

  OLD TOM: Which is?

  TRENCH: For some unfathomable reason, that I don’t even know myself, I’ve come here to your Mayflower Court flat and I don’t have a mystery for you. Not even a sniff of one.

  OLD TOM: I see.

  TRENCH: I’m sorry – I’d better go.

  (TRENCH gets up and is about to leave.)

  OLD TOM: Oh, Trench.

  TRENCH: Yes?

  OLD TOM: Come back, sit down and shut up.

  TRENCH: Oh, right.

  (TRENCH does as he is bidden.)

  OLD TOM: You may not have a mystery for me, but fortunately I have one for you. Have a look at this.

  (OLD TOM passes TRENCH a paper.)

  TRENCH: What’s this, the Stokeham Herald?

  OLD TOM: No, it’s, as you can see, a paper devoted to London’s West End theatres.

  TRENCH: Ah, that’s why it’s called London Variety and Theatrical News.

  OLD TOM: I’ll make a detective out of you yet. Now, look at the story on page fourteen concerning London’s Regency Theatre.

  (TRENCH flicks through the pages until settling on the page he has found.)

  TRENCH: The Phantom of the Theatre. It seems a so-called phantom is allegedly causing problems there. There’s been various things that have gone ‘bump’ in the evening, sometimes causing apparent widespread alarm.

  OLD TOM: More tea?

  TRENCH: Err no. What’s your interest, Old Tom? I’m sure we’d normally ignore something like this. I mean, what are we investigating, theatrical rumours and a few unexplained bumps?

  OLD TOM: I… know the theatre of old. So, will you investigate, Trench?

  TRENCH: I suppose Debsy and I are due a few days off. And a city break would be nice. Will you be joining us?

  (OLD TOM passes TRENCH a piece of paper.)

  TRENCH: What’s this crumpled-up piece of paper?

  OLD TOM: Un-crumple it. You will see it details exactly where you can visit me during our trip to London…

  (Mysterious music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are walking along the streets of London.)

  DEBSY: I don’t know, Trench. You whisk me off to London at a moment’s notice; we check in at the hotel; not only do we not go to the mysterious Regency Theatre – we don’t even visit the famous landmarks. Instead, we end up trudging through this rather fashionable suburb of Chelsea. Would you care to explain?

  TRENCH: Yes, Debsy – here we are.

  DEBSY: Who lives here – in this townhouse?

  TRENCH: You’ll see.

  (TRENCH hammers on the door. After a few moments, it opens.)

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne – you’re in!

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench – it’s been quite a while.

  (DEBSY coughs.)

  TRENCH: And this is Debsy.

  SALLY-ANNE: Your current partner?

  DEBSY: Colleague. And you’re his previous partner, I mean colleague?

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, Trench and I are old friends. Well, don’t stand around on the doorstep – please come in.

  DEBSY: I’m afraid we can’t, we’re… err busy.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh.

  TRENCH: With what?

  DEBSY: We’ve a mystery to solve, remember – in the theatre.

  TRENCH: Oh yes – things that go bump on the stage.

  SALLY-ANNE: Sounds interesting…

  DEBSY: It’s such a shame you can’t come with us, Sally-Anne.

  TRENCH: Can’t she? Oh yes, of course – you’ll be busy with little Luke and your partner – not colleague, Jonathan.

  SALLY-ANNE: Actually no. Funnily enough, Jonathan has taken Luke up to Scotland for a week to see his grandparents.

  TRENCH: (Says hopefully:) So, you can come with us?

  SALLY-ANNE: I was going to spend this week looking for a job…

  DEBSY: What a pity you can’t join us then. Come on Trench, let’s go.

  SALLY-ANNE: But solving a theatrical mystery sounds much more interesting. And what’s more, it’ll just be like old times, Trench. Give me a moment to fetch my coat.

  (SALLY-ANNE dashes back inside her house.)

  DEBSY: Wonderful, why did you have to invite her?

  TRENCH: Me? I thought it was you who invited her. Anyway it’ll be fun – I’m sure you’ll like her.

  DEBSY: Can’t wait.

  (SALLY-ANNE joins them as she closes her front door.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Right, what are you two waiting for? We’ve a mystery to solve, you know.

  (Mysterious music ends the scene.)

  SALLY-ANNE: We’re here – the Regency Theatre.

  DESBY: I wondered what that big sign with ‘The Regency Theatre’ on it meant.

  TRENCH: And this must be their current production.

  SALLY-ANNE: The Country Motel.

  DEBSY: It’s a spooky poster.

  TRENCH: Interesting… the Play is loosely based on Hitchcock’s Psycho.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh look, there’s one of those little cards displaying: ‘Cleaner required – apply within’.

  TRENCH: Now that would be ideal – we could have someone on the inside.

  DEBSY: Yes, that person could poke around, I mean investigate almost unhindered.

  SALLY-ANNE: What a wonderful idea, Debsy.

  TRENCH: Well volunteered, Debs.

  DEBSY: Hey, what do you mean? No, no, no, no and no again.

  TRENCH: You’d better go and change. Downgrade your outfit slightly.

  SALLY-ANNE: On second thoughts – you’ll be fine just the way you are – joke.
/>   DEBSY: (Who sighs resignedly.) Cleaner – why does it always have to be me?

  (Comic yet ironic music changes the scene.)

  (A well-dressed gentleman is speaking to TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE.)

  TURNER: I am Mr Turner, the theatrical manager of this… err theatre.

  (A telephone ringing from a nearby office interrupts him.)

  TURNER: Excuse me a moment.

  (TURNER goes into his office and answers the ‘phone.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Now, I wonder who that could be.

  TRENCH: Yes Sally, I wonder…

  (TURNER closes the office door as he returns.)

  TURNER: Sorry about that.

  TRENCH: Anybody we know?

  TURNER: I doubt it. If you must know, it was an applicant for the cleaner’s position. And as she’s the only one, I’ve decided to give her the job.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh good.

  TURNER: Hang on, why am I telling you all this – and who are you anyway?

  TRENCH: I’m Trench, and this is Sally-Anne. I’m a… I mean we’re reporters.

  TURNER: I’m going to stop you right there. Goodbye gentlemen… and gentlewomen.

  SALLY-ANNE: You don’t understand…

  TURNER: Oh yes I do, only too well. Now, come on – out.

  TRENCH: We’re only from a local newspaper – the Stokeham Herald- which isn’t even local to err here.

  SALLY-ANNE: And we’re here to investigate these phantom bumps or whatever they are – not to cause trouble.

  TURNER: I’d still prefer it if you left.

  LILIA: (Who speaks loudly from down the corridor:) But I wouldn’t. (LILIA then joins them.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Who’s she?

  TURNER: Who’s she, who’s she?! She is the star of theatre, and of our current production, The Country Motel. She is none other than…

  TRENCH: …Lilia Towers. Err, I read her name on the poster outside.

  LILIA: If they are here to sort the problem that is afflicting the Regency – then they should stay.

  TURNER: All right, all right. First rule of theatre management – always keep your star happy.

  LILIA: That’s better.

  TURNER: But you can take responsibility for them Lilia, I’m busy.

  (TURNER returns to his office, closing the door behind him.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So, Lilia – what’s been going bump and where?

  LILIA: Come on, I’ll show you…

  (Mysterious music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH, SALLY-ANNE and LILIA are walking backstage.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So Lilia, how long have you been at it? On the stage, that is?

  LILIA: I’ve been a leading lady in the West End for nearly twenty years now.

  TRENCH: That’s a long time to be at the top.

  LILIA: Right, this is the main corridor backstage from which the dressing rooms sprout from.

  SALLY-ANNE: And is this where the strange noises can be heard?

  LILIA: Yes, Sally-Anne, it is.

  TRENCH: Can you describe the noises?

  LILIA: Yes, I can. It’s really a mixture of odd creaks and a thumping sound that’s quite unnerving.

  TRENCH: And when are the noises, or bumps actually heard? It all seems pretty quiet now.

  LILIA: Yes, come to think of it, the rattling and clanging only happens in the hour prior to each evening performance.

  SALLY-ANNE: Not the afternoon matinées?

  LILIA: No, inexplicably no…

  TRENCH: Is there anything else?

  LILIA: Yes, walk this way round the corner towards the stage.

  (They walk for a bit.)

  LILIA: Sometimes at irregular, random times I hear a mumbling; a kind of distorted conversation – but when I’ve looked, there is absolutely no one about.

  TRENCH: Interesting…

  SALLY-ANNE: Sorry Lilia, who’s that over there – towards the stage?

  LILIA: Oh, that’s my leading man – Ralph Regents. Gorgeous, isn’t he?

  TRENCH: So, so. Now Lilia, do you think these strange noises are somehow intended to put you off or disrupt the theatre?

  LILIA: I think they are intended for me alone – and the intension is a sinister one…

  SALLY-ANNE: But how can you be so sure that you’re the target of these… err bumps?

  LILIA: Don’t ask me how I know, but believe me, somehow I know…

  (Doom laden music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH is walking alone, through the London Underground.)

  TRENCH: Right, I’m well past Knightsbridge Tube Station. Time to have another look at this crumpled-up bit of paper.

  (TRENCH un-crumples the piece of paper.)

  TRENCH: Keep walking from Knightsbridge to South Kensington.

  (Suddenly a shattering noise startles TRENCH.)

  TRENCH: What the? Oh, it’s a tube train. Back to the paper. ‘When the line turns a relatively sharp corner, stop.’ All right, I’ve stopped. ‘Look for sign pointing towards the South Kensington Station.’ Ah, there it is. Oh no, I don’t like this bit ‘cause that wall looks pretty solid. ‘Walk briskly towards the wall, where the sign is. Close your eyes and keep on walking.’ Well, here goes nothing.

  (TRENCH walks, and then keeps on walking. There is an audible ‘swish’.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the secret passageway is open. Oh, you can open your eyes now, by the way.

  TRENCH: Where am I? What is this place? It looks like a disused lab with extras.

  OLD TOM: Well Trench, you are where you were before – deep within the London Underground system. And this place is or was a laboratory; a workshop and research centre that the Institute used during the Second World War.

  TRENCH: Fascinating… You worked for the Institute, didn’t you Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Yes, as did my close colleague, Mandrake.

  TRENCH: Mandrake..? Does he know you’re here now?

  OLD TOM: I doubt it, but with him, you never know.

  TRENCH: Could… Mandrake somehow be involved in the mystery at the theatre?

  OLD TOM: A disturbing possibility, but only a possibility nonetheless. Mandrake has vowed vengeance against me and, by association, you Trench. He will strike again one day, but when that day will be, I can only guess…

  (TRENCH involuntarily shivers.)

  TRENCH: I don’t believe it, old timer – you’re still sat on an armchair. A beautiful leather one at that.

  OLD TOM: Ah yes, this armchair. It was one of the original conditions of accepting my post at the Institute all those years ago. Well, sit down Trench – you’re making the place look untidy.

  TRENCH: I’d have a job – it already looks untidy. That’s not fair – all I have to sit on is a hard lab chair.

  (Grumpily, TRENCH sits down.)

  TRENCH: So, how come you’re here now?

  OLD TOM: Oh, I can still pull a few strings at the Institute…

  TRENCH: Right, I suppose I’m here to talk about the Regency. Hang on, you said ‘you knew the theatre of old’, how?

  OLD TOM: Oh, before the war officially began, I used to walk out with Eleanor. Quite often, we would go to the Regency. She liked it there.

  TRENCH: Until… I know something happened Old Tom, but what?

  OLD TOM: She left me for… Mandrake. And then… and then…

  TRENCH: And then..?

  OLD TOM: And then tragedy struck and, yes, it was my fault.

  TRENCH: Err… about the theatre, of today?

  OLD TOM: Yes, tell me how you are progressing.

  TRENCH: Well, we met the theatre manager, a Mr Turner – who when discovered we were reporters – was very reluctant to let us stay.

  OLD TOM: I don’t blame him one bit. Reporters eh?

  TRENCH: Hah, hah.

  OLD TOM: You said ‘we’, whom do you mean by that?

  TRENCH: Astute as always, Old Tom… and in an institute! Me and err… Sally-Anne. Debsy’s got a job there as a cleaner – she starts tomorrow!

  OLD
TOM: Is Debsy happy about that? And does she mind you and Sally-Anne investigating… err together?

  TRENCH: Come to think of it, I don’t think she’s exactly thrilled.

  OLD TOM: Be careful on that one, Trench – I know from bitter experience.

  (A loud whistling sound interrupts them.)

  TRENCH: What’s that?

  OLD TOM: Turn the Bunsen Burner off, will you? The kettle’s boiled.

  (TRENCH does as he is bidden and pours into the teapot. Light music moves things on a bit. They are both now supping their cold tea.)

  TRENCH: It’s nice tea – still cold, but somehow tastes differently down here.

  OLD TOM: I am glad you like it. Now, as you were saying, strange sounds that only happen before each evening’s performance. Interesting…

  TRENCH: And Lilia Towers belief that it’s all somehow directed at her.

  OLD TOM: Yes, you must press her on that, Trench. Why does she believe that?

  TRENCH: The leading actor is Ralf Regents. I’m not sure, but Lilia may like him.

  OLD TOM: That’s not a crime, Trench.

  TRENCH: Ralph Regents? The surname – could he be connected to the Regency?

  OLD TOM: Other than being an actor? It could be worth looking into…

  TRENCH: I suppose I’d better be going.

  (TRENCH gets up and walks around for a bit.)

  TRENCH: Old Tom, how on earth do I get out of here?

  OLD TOM: (Who laughs mischievously.) I was wondering when you were going to ask that one…

  (A longer piece of mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  Act Two

  DEBSY: Who’s that drink for?

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne. She’s meeting us here at our hotel, shortly.

  DEBSY: I should have guessed – you can’t seem to last five minutes without her, Trench.

  TRENCH: What exactly is your problem with her, Debsy?

  DEBSY: Well, for starters she’s… here. Oh, hi Sally-Anne.

  SALLY-ANNE: Debsy, and Trench – and you’ve already bought me a drink. Thanks, Trench. (She sits down at their table.) Nice hotel, isn’t it? Where’s your room?

  TRENCH: Second floor, Sall.

  DEBSY: It’s rooms though – we’re staying in separate rooms.

  SALLY-ANNE: I wasn’t suggesting…