The Armchair Detective In London: Series Three

by Ian Shimwell

  SALLY-ANNE: We’ll have to discover what he meant by that. How do you die of a broken heart?

  TRENCH: We will find out, but first let’s have another chat with Lilia. Come on, she’ll probably be resting in her dressing room.

  SALLY-ANNE: Round the corner, and here we are.

  (This time, they knock on the door.)

  LILIA: Enter.

  (They enter the dressing room.)

  SALLY-ANNE: How’s the ankle?

  LILIA: Oh, I’ll be walking the boards again later – just a bit more carefully though.

  TRENCH: Lilia, do you think the ‘accident’ was somehow deliberate?

  LILIA: Without a doubt. I believe it’s all part of this ridiculous campaign against me.

  SALLY-ANNE: Can you tell us anymore about the conversations you sometimes hear just around the corner from this dressing room?

  LILIA: Like what? I can’t make out the words.

  TRENCH: But a conversation requires two people. Think about the differences in the voices…

  LILIA: I am… Yes, one is male – and the other is female.

  SALLY-ANNE: Excellent Lilia.

  TRENCH: And this person watching from the shadows, can you tell if it’s a he or a she?

  LILIA: I’m thinking again… hard. Yes, I mean no. Someone is watching me but I could hardly tell you the gender.

  TRENCH: Interesting…

  SALLY-ANNE: And twenty years ago Lilia, when you were originally here – do you remember an aspiring young actress called Lauren Turner, who was the wife of the manager.

  LILIA: Oh yes, I remember Lauren – we were good friends even when I was offered the starring role in the play here, instead of her. That takes me back. It took me a long time to get over her tragic death.

  TRENCH: Now, how..?

  (A hammering on the door interrupts them. The door opens…)

  TRENCH: Debsy.

  DEBSY: I’ve found something out – come on.

  (A brief bit if breezy music moves things on.)

  TRENCH: Well Debsy, what is it?

  DEBSY: While I was ‘cleaning’ in the manager’s office, I came across some staff payroll records, which were next to a box of old London Variety and Theatre News magazines, and – wait for it – discovered Ralph Regents real name.

  SALLY-ANNE: Which is?

  DEBSY: Roger Cropper.

  SALLY-ANNE: Now, I wonder why he changed it..?

  DEBSY: So you see, Ralph apparently doesn’t have a connection with the Regency after all.

  SALLY-ANNE: Is that all? Lilia was about to tell us how Lauren Turner died, before you interrupted us.

  DEBSY: Whoops.

  TRENCH: Wait, you mentioned ‘old London Variety magazines’? They may provide us with valuable answers…

  SALLY-ANNE: Come on, hurry up Trench, before Turner returns.

  (More mystery music moves things along.)

  DEBSY: Right Trench, I know this has ended up being, more or less, yours and Sally-Anne’s mystery – but I’m fed up. I want to spend some time with you for a change.

  TRENCH: Well, Sally-Anne’s gone home to contact her family, so we’ve the whole afternoon free.

  DEBSY: So, why don’t we take a whistle-stop tour of London’s landmarks?

  TRENCH: Why not? (And then says slightly more quietly:) And it will give me time to think and piece this theatrical jigsaw together before I have another chat with Old Tom.

  DEBSY: What was all that mumbling?

  TRENCH: Nothing – and I don’t mumble.

  DEBSY: So, come on then. We’re wasting time. Let’s visit the Palace first.

  (We hear a montage of ‘London town’ music, and noises such as beeps from London’s red buses and black cabs – and sounds of the changing of the guards. Also mixed in this, we hear:)

  DEBSY: Buckingham Palace is fit for a Queen. Mind you, it is fit for a Queen!

  TRENCH: Debsy, come out. Stop trying to hide in Hyde Park!

  (There is a brief interlude in the music.)

  DEBSY: Well, we’re in Piccadilly, but where’s the circus?

  TRENCH: I cannot believe you just said that.

  (The musical montage continues…)

  DEBSY: Come on Trench, let’s go to the waxworks, you dummy!

  TRENCH: Debsy, please. Don’t you dare knock that Beefeater’s hat off!

  (The musical montage slowly fades away…)

  DEBSY: That boat trip on the Thames was wonderful.

  TRENCH: Shh Debs. We are in the Tower of London and the guide is about to speak…

  GUIDE: The Tower’s Royal Menagerie, or zoo in today’s language was established on this very spot by King John, circa late twelfth century. It is believed that the Menagerie housed lions, bears, leopards and other exotic animals in – by modern standards – poor conditions.

  DEBSY: How awful.

  (Suddenly, a roaring/howling noise is heard.)

  DEBSY: A lion! I heard a lion roar… angrily. Can you have a ghost lion that’s angry?

  GUIDE: Do not alarm yourself, madam. An offshoot of the Thames runs literally below our feet and through the Tower of London. What you heard is the sound of the rising tide forcing itself through subterranean tunnels.

  DEBSY: I still say it was a lion!

  TRENCH: Hmm, I wonder…

  (Mysterious and reflective music changes the scene.)

  OLD TOM: That was good, Trench. I found your Tower’s ghostly story very amusing.

  (Suddenly, an earth-shattering noise rumbles above them until it fades away.)

  TRENCH: What the..? Was that an earthquake?

  OLD TOM: It was simply a London Underground tube train on its every day journey. But, like your experience at the Tower, it can be easy to jump to the wrong, albeit logical, conclusions.

  TRENCH: And are you referring to the Regency, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Yes. The strange tapping noises that Lilia often hears before each evening’s performance…

  TRENCH: Which has, like the Tower, a perfectly innocent explanation?

  OLD TOM: Well done, Trench. And I suspect the explanation is… plumbing. It is the flow of hot water through the pipes that has caused so much noise and apparent distress.

  TRENCH: Ah-hah, but that doesn’t make sense old timer. Why were there no such noises before the afternoon matinées?

  OLD TOM: The emersion heater. It’s probably only programmed to come on in the early evenings, when there’s naturally more demand for hot water.

  TRENCH: Brilliant, I mean okay – but that doesn’t explain the mysterious mumbled conversations or Lilia’s elusive watcher.

  OLD TOM: No, it doesn’t. Before you were about to tell me what you had discovered from the old London Variety magazines you ‘found’ in the manager’s office – so tell me now.

  TRENCH: Yes, after what seemed like an age – and we were lucky Turner didn’t turn up – we found what we were looking for. Turner’s wife died nearly twenty years ago, officially of ‘misadventure’, and unusually for someone of their faith, the body was cremated.

  OLD TOM: How interesting…

  TRENCH: And, together with that Ralph Regents, Turner has behaved decidedly oddly, as has come to that, caretaker Clarence – we at least have plenty of clues… and suspects. But are they all relevant to solving our mystery – the so-called theatrical phantom?

  OLD TOM: I have my suspicions, but I do now know how to crack this case.

  TRENCH: How?

  OLD TOM: Have you ever wondered, why there is such a long gap between the South Kensington and Knightsbridge tube stations on the Piccadilly Line, where the line makes such a large curving diversion?

  TRENCH: Hmm, not recently, now you come to mention it.

  OLD TOM: The think now.

  TRENCH: That’s easy though – it’s all obviously because of this place.

  OLD TOM: Now it is, yes – but the Institute wasn’t even thought of when the London Underground was originally built.

  TRENCH: So, why then? What
was here?

  OLD TOM: I see you are wondering now. Well, where we are right now, was the largest cesspit during the great plague of London.

  TRENCH: Err, that’s Yuk!

  OLD TOM: Don’t worry, it has all been cleaned up since then! And is now perfectly safe. But my point being, if there is an apparent unnecessary diversion or corner, question why. Think of the Theatre.

  TRENCH: I’m thinking.

  OLD TOM: Why is Lilia’s dressing room separated from the others by a corner that just seems to be in the way? Come on, think Trench, think.

  TRENCH: I think it’s falling into place and I think I know a way of getting in.

  OLD TOM: Yes, why have a trapdoor that’s not on the stage. Open the door, Trench – and I’m sure you will reveal our phantom…

  (Dramatic, expectant music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: Lilia, where’s everyone gone? We can’t find anyone.

  LILIA: I don’t honestly know – I’ve been here in my dressing room for a while.

  SALLY-ANNE: We want you to come with us.

  LILIA: Now, this sounds terribly exciting – and interesting.

  DEBSY: Come on, and everything err we think will be revealed.

  LILIA: All right, I’m coming.

  (They walk out of LILIA’s dressing room.)

  TRENCH: Stop. (Everyone stops.) This is the corner by the trapdoor. (He scrambles about for a bit before giving up.) It’s no use, I can’t get a grip.

  DEBSY: Get a grip, Trench.

  TRENCH: I can’t!

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ll try. (She tries, but fails.) No, I need longer finger nails and looking after my little boy has put paid to that. What about you, Debsy?

  DEBSY: Here goes. (She makes a struggling sound as she gives it her all.) I would have been able to open it, but cleaning this place has worn my nails down too.

  LILIA: Then step aside, my nails are beautiful – and fortunately long. (She tries and the trapdoor creaks open.)

  TRENCH: I never realised long nails could be so practical. Right, come on girls, follow me.

  (They carefully walk down the wooden steps and along a short corridor.)

  DEBSY: I can’t see anything.

  TRENCH: Everyone, hold hands.

  (Then, they walk up some steps and come to a halt.)

  TRENCH: A door – and through it a hidden lair… no doubt.

  (They enter the mysterious room with a sharp intake of breath.)

  DEBSY: What the..?

  SALLY-ANNE: I don’t believe my eyes.

  LILIA: The phantom and his bride – my friend.

  TRENCH: Turner and his wife. I assume the skeleton residing in that coffin is or rather was Lauren?

  TURNER: My beautiful Lauren is sleeping – please, you will awake her.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who shouts:) Wake up!

  TRENCH: Thanks, Sally-Anne. So Turner, this is why you had Lauren ‘cremated’ then?

  TURNER: Yes, I can still be with her this way, you see – can’t I dear? (TURNER then speaks in a theatrical, female voice:) Yes, darling.

  LILIA: Now, that is both of the voices from the conversations I could hear.

  SALLY-ANNE: And those outfits displayed on the wall, do they belong to Lauren?

  TURNER: (As Lauren:) Do you like them?

  TRENCH: And that, Lilia, is why you couldn’t tell whether the person who was watching you was a man or a woman.

  SALLY-ANNE: But why were you watching Lilia, Mr Turner?

  DEBSY: And Lauren can answer too, if she wants.

  TURNER: I will answer, dear. Twenty years ago, my Lauren set her heart on a starring role in a Play at this very theatre, only to have that part stolen by her – Lilia Towers. My Lauren’s heart was broken. While I was away on business in America, my precious Lauren took an overdose. She killed her.

  SALLY-ANNE: And this is why you’ve been ‘haunting’ Lilia?

  TURNER: Yes. I wanted her to loose her nerve in acting – to see what it felt like with her confidence shattered. Yes, we did watch – and it was Lauren who opened the stage trapdoor, not me… Oh, it’s nearly time for tonight’s performance – I must go.

  (TURNER opens the door and leaves the room.)

  LILIA: Let him go.

  DEBSY: Mad as a hatter.

  SALLY-ANNE: Is that what really happened then, Lilia?

  LILIA: Yes… and no. True, I did win the part over Lauren, but although she was disappointed, we were best friends – she was pleased for me. I don’t suppose anybody will ever know whether Lauren’s death was an accident or a cry for help, but it wasn’t me that led her into depression. She was trapped in a loveless marriage and it was her hatred of him that Turner has never been able to accept…

  (Sad, slow music ends this scene.)

  (We can hear the London traffic in the background.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Solving this mystery – it’s been such fun. Just like the old days.

  TRENCH: Don’t mention the ‘old days’, but it was just like old times. Coming back to the hotel bar?

  SALLY-ANNE: Jonathan and my little Luke should be at Euston soon. It’s time for me to go and meet them.

  TRENCH: Back to your old life?

  SALLY-ANNE: This is my old life, Trench.

  TRENCH: You know what I mean, Sally-Anne – and I know what you mean.

  SALLY-ANNE: Before I do go though – I have something to tell you: You do realise that Debsy’s in love with you, don’t you?

  TRENCH: You think so?

  SALLY-ANNE: Come on – she’s been green with envy during most of this caper. Whenever we’ve been together, in fact. I don’t know what happened between you two at that castle. Whatever it was, just don’t let her slip through your fingers, like you did with me…

  TRENCH: (Who thinks for a moment.) What do you mean by that? Sally-Anne, Sally-Anne, where’s she gone?

  DEBSY: (Who just arrives.) Sally-Anne? She just said goodbye. Do you want her?

  TRENCH: I don’t think so. Debsy, I’ve something I must say to you…

  DEBSY: I’m all ears.

  TRENCH: I… I… Editor Law, what in the world are you doing here?

  EDITOR LAW: I couldn’t contact you, I’ve had to come all the way down here – I’ve been looking for you two, everywhere.

  TRENCH: But why, Editor Law? What do you want?

  DEBSY: What’s so important, that you’ve travelled to London for?

  EDITOR LAW: The Stokeham Herald is being threatened – I need your help.

  (Puzzling music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: This tea does taste nicer in this tube station, laboratory, institute thingy – you know, this place.

  OLD TOM: It has its compensations, and brings back many old memories…

  TRENCH: So, Old Tom, what was it that made you first suspect the theatrical manager?

  OLD TOM: Well it was Turner who was the only one who was against letting you even inside the theatre to start the investigation off in the first place. Being the manager, he was also ideally placed to deflect suspicion away from him – he probably asked Ralph Regents to check the stage, and ordered Clarence to look at the pipes, to do just that. And his wife’s death twenty years ago gave him a motive to haunt Lilia, at least in his mind. The pieces began to fall into place, but we still needed a breakthrough and a definite connection.

  TRENCH: Which, naturally, the trapdoor provided.

  OLD TOM: And, of course, there was one other piece of evidence, even though it was rather coincidental…

  TRENCH: I assume you are going to tell me, old timer?

  OLD TOM: The Country Motel. The Play itself was loosely based on the film Psycho, again a disturbing study of a self-delusional split personality.

  TRENCH: Brilliant observation. The armchair detective reigns supreme in London, I’d say.

  OLD TOM: Well, at least my old theatre has found peace at last from the ‘phantom’.

  TRENCH: Mission accomplished, or should I say mystery accomplished? But there’s no rest for th
e wicked because I must hurry home. Editor Law somehow tracked us down, and you are not going to believe this, the Stokeham Herald is being threatened by…

  OLD TOM: Mandrake.

  TRENCH: Yes, but how could you have known that?

  OLD TOM: Being in this old laboratory, we worked together many times, I can almost feel him in the air…

  TRENCH: (Who sniffs.) All I can ‘sense’ is the tube trains. Well, would you like a lift home to Stokeham, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Thanks for the kind offer, Trench – but no, I think I will make my own way back…

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  The Armchair Detective will return in…

  The Armchair Detective and the Mystery of Mandrake

  Read More…

  Read Clarence’s Low-light, a ‘sideways glance’ that is intended to accompany and compliment The Armchair Detective In London in an original and thought-provoking way.

  Look for PLAY OF THE MONTH at www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com

  www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com