Call Me Joe

by Martin Van Es

  “No,” she spat, her anger still white hot, “you were not supposed to be ‘looking after me’ and nothing ‘bad’ happened to me apart from having my heart ripped out of my chest by you, but you weren’t supposed to be carrying on with other women right in front of me!”

  “Carrying on? I was just relaxing and enjoying myself for a few hours.”

  “I could see that,” she said. “They were all over you in that booth.”

  The fact that he so obviously didn’t know what he had done wrong had thrown her off balance. It wasn’t the reaction she had been expecting. Why didn’t he realise that he had behaved badly? Did he actually think that she wouldn’t care if he went off with another woman – or women? Was she being unreasonable, acting like a jealous wife?

  “How would you have felt if it had been me?” She immediately regretted asking the question.

  “I would like it if you were having fun. You are my friend, why would I mind?”

  It was like he had slapped her round the face and forced all the air out of her anger. She sank back into the sofa as if defeated.

  “I see,” she said in a small voice, “I’m sorry. I have completely misunderstood. I should have known. God knows I have been in this situation often enough before.”

  He sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulder, but she didn’t move or soften the tension in her back, resisting his attempt to pull her close to him.

  “Maybe it’s me who has completely misunderstood,” he said gently. “You are my best friend on Earth. You have been chosen by God for the role you are playing.”

  “Have you any idea how corny that all sounds?” she asked, managing a small smile through the tears.

  He laughed. “I suppose it does. But it’s true. I should not have caused you any pain.”

  “I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you. It’s a stupid thing to do. How could I possibly expect to be able to apply the usual relationship rules to the Son of God?”

  “Well, when you put it like that you make me feel like a real heel. Was it my mistake to allow our relationship to become physical? Is that where the misunderstanding came about?”

  She pulled a tissue from a box displayed on the ornate table at the end of the sofa and blew her nose violently.

  “I guess,” she said.

  “But I didn’t force you or anything, did I? You did want to, didn’t you? I didn’t misunderstand that, did I?”

  “Of course I wanted to!” She was still feeling angry. “I’m madly in love with you! Why would I not want to go to bed with you?”

  “And if you love someone you have to possess them completely?” He had reverted to his question-asking mode.

  “No, obviously not! But I can’t help it if I feel betrayed and jealous if I see you with someone else.”

  “But love should not be exclusive. I love all of mankind.”

  “Oh don’t give me that!” Her anger had boiled up again. “What was going on with those women was nothing to do with you loving every living creature! Do you think I’m that stupid?”

  “I was just having some fun,” he said.

  “I could see that!”

  “I had no idea I was causing you pain.”

  As they talked, going round and round in circles, over and over the same ground, she was aware that messages were continually arriving on her phone. The light was beginning to make its way through the cracks in the curtains when she finally picked it up and opened one. It was a few seconds before she realised that what she was looking at was a film of Joe in a darkened room with the two girls.

  She watched for a few agonising moments and realised that the pain of being with him now was going to be too great for her to bear. Without saying a word she left the suite.

  “Where are you going?” he asked as she paused in the door, looking back at him.

  “Alice has rented a place to be near her dad while he’s down here. I’m going there while I get my head together.”

  He nodded, surprised by how sad he felt at what was happening.

  “I wish you would stay,” he said, “but I understand if you feel you can’t.”

  “I have to go,” she said, “because my heart is breaking.”

  Forty-Five

  Without Sophie there to keep him informed, it was several hours before Joe found out that a film of him receiving a relief massage from two young women had arrived on the internet. Not surprisingly it had already gone viral by then, along with pictures of him enjoying the joint in the club. The media immediately pounced on the story of his betrayal of Sophie just hours after praising her to the world and elevated Joe to the status of “love rat”. Then came accusations of a faked video having been made on the orders of Joe’s enemies, which cast an element of doubt over the whole story but made it all the more intriguing to the watching world.

  In some parts of society there was loud disapproval of Joe’s failure to set a good example for young people regarding the use of soft drugs, followed by more thoughtful reactions which asked if his sins were really so terrible compared to those of most mortal men. His millions of followers soon started to come to his defence, liking the idea that he was able to relax and enjoy himself without doing anyone any harm (few of them had realised that he and Sophie were romantically involved and assumed the media was making it up). As far as many people were concerned it was a moment which should have been allowed to stay private (although they all still wanted to take a peek at the video and be told every last detail). Many expressed disappointment and even shock, but within a few hours the most widespread reaction from people was that they were tired of the media’s endless appetite for negative stories of sleaze and the countless attempts to create confrontation and scandal where there was none and that they were also saddened by politicians and other public figures trying to bring down their rivals by leaking such stuff.

  Joe’s only regret was that he now understood how much the film was going to hurt Sophie and he was angry with himself for not anticipating that and being more careful with her heart. He knew that the joint and the champagne might explain his lapse of judgement, but they did not excuse it. He wanted to make things better for her but despite all his miraculous powers he was not sure how to go about mending a broken heart.

  *****

  The Ukrainian was surprised by the developing public reaction to his film. He had assumed that it would prove to be a powerful propaganda weapon in the hands of his employers, but on balance it seemed to be increasing Joe’s popularity even further. He wished now he had stuck to his original plan and simply killed Joe in that backroom of the club while he had the chance. It was going to be hard to ask for more money for a while because the sort of people who employed him only paid for results and the film had definitely not achieved the desired result.

  He watched movements on the Dark Web, waiting for clues as to who had stolen Joe’s semen and what they were planning to do with it. Even though his film had not shown the girls stealing the sample, people were already speculating. If “divine semen” came up for sale people thought the interest might likely come from someone in the scientific community but it might equally come from someone who would like the idea of being impregnated, or having their partner impregnated, by the Son of God. The Ukrainian took in everything he read but bided his time before coming to any conclusions himself.

  Then a seller appeared, and he knew it must be the same girl that he had followed. Again her approach seemed amateurish to him. It was not surprising. She was too young to have the necessary experience for such a job and it looked to him like she was trying to double-cross whoever her employers were. She was already talking to far too many people for her own safety. Her search for the best customer was not nearly as focused as he knew it needed to be. He was not surprised when he received a call a couple of days later from the Far Eastern voice from the
pharmaceutical industry which had first talked to him about the possibility of kidnapping Joe.

  “One of the girls in your film is trying to sell something that belongs to us,” he was informed by the voice, which did not give away whether they were angry.

  “I know.”

  “They are asking for ridiculous money but it seems there are some fools who are willing to pay. We need you to retrieve it for us. Then end things for the girl. We do not want to be blackmailed later.”

  “Understood,” he replied, vowing to himself, not for the first time, that once this job was over he would retire from the business once and for all.

  Forty-Six

  “Is it wise for us to associate with such a man?” the elderly Cardinal was controlling himself because he was in the presence of the Pope. He had not seen the video personally but he had been told about it by a shocked acolyte and the mere fact that it existed was enough for him to know that it was something he did not want to think about for a second longer than he had to.

  “My dear Carlo.” The Pope placed a calming hand on his old friend’s shoulder, aware that he was shaking with pent-up indignation. “I think we must maintain a sense of perspective. I believe this man is the Son of God and I have told the world of that belief. He has returned on a mission to save mankind. Such a tiny incident, which two thousand years ago would have remained entirely private, can hardly compare to such a mission.”

  The Pope hoped that he was succeeding in masking his own doubts and fears. While on the island, watching Joe raising the Archbishop from the dead, he had been entirely convinced that he had made the right decision in pledging his allegiance. There was now so much scientific evidence to confirm that Joe was who he claimed to be, but still it was an enormous effort to cast aside so much of what he had believed all his life to be true. He couldn’t afford to let anyone see the doubts that tortured him in his darker moments. He had to have faith that he had made the right choice, otherwise he would never be able to inspire his followers to believe.

  “But Your Holiness, he is consorting with prostitutes.”

  “That is a harsh judgement, Carlo. We don’t know anything about these young ladies and I doubt very much if our friend was expected to pay for their services. I’m told that in the film they appear to be enjoying themselves. Besides which, if they are prostitutes then I suspect that Jesus would have wanted us to look upon them with compassion and forgiveness.”

  “I doubt he would have encouraged us to sleep with them, Your Holiness!”

  “Well you may have a point there,” the Pope smiled, obviously wanting to end the conversation but not to offend his friend’s sensibilities any further. He found even thinking about the things which Joe was reported to have done with the women brought him physical pain.

  “They were all drunk and there is evidence they were taking drugs…”

  “Carlo,” the Pope spoke more firmly, “can I remind you again that we are talking about the Son of God, who has returned to save mankind from extinction. These hardly seem important matters by comparison.”

  “I doubt if the Muslims will feel the same way…” Carlo pouted a little at what he took to be a remonstration from his beloved leader.

  “I have already heard from the Grand Imam on the subject,” the Pope assured him, “and he feels as I do. It is regrettable that these pictures are out there, but that is the world we live in. The acts themselves were not great sins.”

  “I disagree, Your Holiness, and there are many who will agree with me. Things are going too far, changing too fast.”

  “They have already changed, Carlo. It is us who are going to have to adjust our thinking now, not the rest of the world. That was explained to us on the island. We have fallen behind the times and this is an opportunity for us to regain our authority by guiding people wisely and realistically through the dilemmas and choices of today, not simply by repeating mantras that were concocted thousands of years ago and are no longer relevant in any of our followers’ lives.”

  “With respect, Your Holiness, no good will come of it.”

  A knock on the door and an announcement that the President of America was now available to speak on the phone to the Pope put an end to Carlo’s audience and he withdrew with a sour expression on his wrinkled features.

  “Good morning, Your Holiness,” the President’s voice boomed down the line. “Did you enjoy your little holiday in the South Pacific?”

  The Pope sighed but kept his voice level. “It was a deeply informative visit, thank you for asking, Mr President.”

  “And what did you make of our healer friend? Who I see has now got himself in a bit of trouble with the ladies.” The President let out a chuckle, which he believed sounded manly and conspiratorial.

  “I think it would be a good idea for you and the other great leaders of the secular world to meet him,” the Pope said, aware that a little flattery would help to convince the President of the rightness of the idea. “He seems to represent the will of the people.”

  “You don’t think he’s a charlatan then?” The President sounded surprised. “You think he’s the real deal?”

  “I believe he is the Son of God and that he has returned with a mission to save mankind.”

  There was a long silence as the President absorbed the full impact of these words.

  “I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” he said eventually. “You are telling me you are swallowing the line that this guy actually is Jesus and he’s come back from the dead again, after two thousand years?”

  “If you study your Bible, Mr President, you will see that this is not an entirely new idea.”

  “Yeah, right, but that’s just religious hokum, isn’t it? That’s the stuff you tell the masses to keep them quiet.”

  “I think our views may be different there, Mr President.”

  “It’s not exactly the return that John described in his Book of Revelation, though, is it?”

  Someone in the Oval Office must have reminded the President who he was talking to and that he was not in a men’s locker room because he seemed to take a breath before moderating his tone.

  “You really think we should meet with him then?”

  “I do.”

  “What about the Muslims and the Jews and all the others? Do they think the same?”

  “I believe they do, Mr President.”

  “Okay, listen, you have a good day. Good to talk to you. We’ll talk again soon.”

  He hung up with a face like thunder.

  “Get me the President of Russia on the line.”

  An hour later the two men were talking.

  “I was talking to the Pope this morning,” the American President said, somehow making it sound like he was name-dropping. “He thinks we should meet this guy and talk to him.”

  “I’m busy running my country,” the Russian replied.

  “You’re right. We’re busy men. We don’t have time for this crap. I understand that. I agree with you. On the other hand, the Pope and the others went to meet him and it made them look like they were in touch with what the people are thinking. I don’t like being seen as a dinosaur.”

  “Someone is comparing you to a dinosaur?” The Russian had to struggle not to laugh.

  “Of course not. Not just me. All of us. You too, my friend. We could easily look like we are out of touch with what people want. That’s bad politics.”

  “People say I’m a dinosaur? I don’t think so.”

  “I’m not saying we should go running to him, at his beck and call like the damn priests, but maybe a video conference of some sort. He did a television broadcast the other night…”

  “I saw it.”

  “It was very successful,” the American conceded. “He drew a big audience. Great viewing figures. He let himself down afterwards, of c
ourse…”

  “We are all men,” the Russian chuckled, “we all have needs. You know that, Mr President.”

  “Sure. I know. It’s normal. But it doesn’t look good on the news bulletins.”

  “You worry too much about how things look in the media, but if you want to put on some show for the public then I am willing to help.”

  “That’s great. In an open argument I’m going to be able to make mincemeat of this guy. We have to confront him and expose him for the weakling he is. The guy has no idea what being in power actually involves, no idea at all. He’s punching way above his weight.”

  *****

  In the following days both presidents made a number of calls to other leaders and at the same time requested meetings with the bankers who handled their personal finances. If there was an increased chance that they were about to be removed from power they wanted to be sure that they had ring-fenced as much of their personal fortunes as possible. If there was any chance there was going to be civil unrest and a change in global leadership they needed to be prepared to look after themselves and their families. It was those fundamental survival instincts which had allowed both of them, and all the other leaders they were now in regular contact with, to get to the top in the first place.

  While the caretakers of the world’s capital were looking for safe havens to store their money in case of sudden leadership changes, the generals and security forces in every country were working out where they needed to build up their military presence. Which areas of the world were likely to prove vulnerable if the world’s populations turned against their leaders and demanded wholesale changes to the power structures and the way that the world was being run? At the same time, however, they were becoming increasingly aware of the very real possibility that their political masters might at any time instruct them to stand down and disband their armies.

  When they were first informed that Joe was suggesting all global spending on armies and armaments should be halted with immediate effect it had seemed laughable, no more than a Utopian dream which could never become a practical reality. Over the previous few weeks, however, they had been aware of the changing mood both amongst the world’s populations and even in the offices of their employers. As a result, they were coming to the conclusion that they needed to take steps to protect themselves because no one else could be relied upon any more. If the politicians were not going to support them, then they might have to look to the bankers and the business community for their future funding. Lines of communication were opened up and preliminary discussions were held in secret.