Beautifully Done

by Riley Mackenzie

  I tried to take a deep breath, but it wouldn’t make it past the thick lump in my throat. Tack had already slid in behind the drums, and Chase was onstage tuning the guitar and plucking a couple notes. Lili handed me a cold glass of water and whispered, “It’s gonna be perfect, Tal. It is perfect.”

  Perfect.

  She had no idea just how perfect it was.

  I took center stage and picked up the microphone. I knew if I spoke, if I introduced the song or its meaning, the first note would never make it out. So I just nodded at the guys. Tack tapped the rhythm on the drums and Chase strummed the opening chords. I closed my eyes and found that warm and cozy place I had grown to love.

  Our world came crashing down

  Only one of us walking away

  Scared, only one of us running

  Strong, only one of us fighting to stay

  Only one of us believing ... yeah

  I tossed aside your love

  Numb to your power inside

  Instead I cowered in the corner only to look above

  Searching for the answers I knew I would never find

  Now I’m done

  I’m beautifully done

  Your green sparkle wit and charm is all I need

  All I’ll ever need

  Now I’m done ... yeaaaah

  I’m beautifully done

  Our worlds came colliding together

  Only two of us taking on it all

  Teetering, only two of us on the edge of forever

  Falling, only two of us left standing

  Only two of us stepping side by side

  You showed me an undying love

  Together, trust was our lifelong test

  Each day happy or sad you’ve become my above

  No touch left, only the warmth of you

  Making my broken heart seamless

  Now I’m done

  I’m beautifully done

  Your green sparkle, wit and charm is all I need

  All I’ll ever need

  Now I’m done … yeaaaah

  I’m beautifully done

  As my breath pushed out the last note and I opened my eyes, I was met with tears and smiles from our family and friends. Wet faces with heart-stopping smiles. The love emitting from the room was beautiful and overpowering. I breathed in deeply and let it consume me. I let it soak into every part of my being. I could only feel lucky. The emotion I struggled to keep at bay while I sang finally overflowed, and Tack was around the drums in a nanosecond to wrap me in his arms. His hold was the strength I needed.

  Leaning down, he kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear, “I love you, Mom, you sounded so beautiful. It was perfect. Thank you … from all of us.”

  “Love you, honey.” I paused a moment to take another deep breath. “Thanks for the push to get up there, it was special. I wish you and Paige all the love and happiness that we’ve been lucky enough to have. Congratulations, baby. Now promise me you won’t make me cry too hard.” I handed him the mic and left him chuckling as I made my way to my seat.

  “Uh-hum.” Tack cleared his throat and I felt my own tighten. “My lovely bride and I would like to thank all of you for coming and sharing our special day with us. Yeah, yeah, don’t roll your eyes, we know it took us forever, but it was a technicality. We’ve been married in our eyes from day one. Today is not just about us, though, it’s about family. And that’s what all of you are—family. We’d also like to thank my brother and his gorgeous wife for hosting today. I do believe Lil missed her calling as a full-time party planner, don’t you agree?”

  The room cheered and hooted, missing when Tack lifted his chin with sincere appreciation toward Chase, who had found his place next to Lil. But I didn’t miss it, I never would.

  Tack looked my way, took a deep breath and continued on. “I asked my mom to sing this song for two reasons. First because she has the absolute sickest voice…” The tent erupted again, cutting him off this time and my cheeks pinked. “But more importantly, there was no way I could let a day as important as today go by without paying tribute to the greatest man I’ll ever know … a man who showed me how to be a brother, a son, a husband, and God willing, a father one day. A man who only knew about family and only knew loyalty. He taught me that being a man means your word means something. And I can tell you, as can half the people in this room, that Asher Craig was a man of his word. He looked me in the eye and promised he would love my mother and our family until the day he died and he did just that. And he didn’t just do it—he did it like he lived life, in grand fucking fashion. Sorry, Mom-” His eyes cut to me, knowing I always disapproved of cursing. But at the same time, he sounded just like Asher, and I’d never disapprove of that. Tack’s eyes softened and I knew I needed to brace. “Not many men would change their last name, especially not at twenty-one, but then again, not many men had Asher Craig as their father figure. Proud doesn’t begin to cut it. It’s not a legacy I’d ever let die and I just hope I’m man enough to do it justice.” Tack picked up two amber filled glasses, bending down to hand me one. The room stood as he lifted the other above his head, “To Asher Craig … Pop, this one’s for you, beautifully done.” Tack closed his pooled eyes before they spilled, tipped back his head and drained his scotch. The emotion-filled room followed suit, raising glasses and toasting, “To Asher.”

  I couldn’t begin to describe the feelings that coursed through me as I stood there watching and listening to my son’s beautiful tribute to the love of my life. It was as close to an outer body experience as I thought possible. For a second I thought my weak leg was going to give out, but then I felt it.

  I felt him … he was holding me up. Like he always had.

  The barbed wire knot in my throat released, the squeeze around my heart subsided, and the static in my head cleared. All I heard was music and I relished in the love. His love. He was there with me, my ace in the sky, my protector.

  He physically left me two years ago, but I was not alone. I could never be alone, not when my heart and soul belonged to him. People sometimes say that when you love that deeply, part of you dies with your soulmate. They’re wrong. He was alive in me. And I would carry him with me along our path until we met again.

  The glow from the lanterns lining the beach and the moon high in the sky was the only illumination we had on our sparkly toes. Lil, Sierra, and I had left our insanely high heels back in the tent and walked down to the Adirondacks, beach side. Sitting side by side with our feet crossed and resting on the small table in front of us, we were admiring our pedicures. Because that’s what best friends did.

  “I’m thinking I’m finally getting the courage to do it. If I drink enough it won’t hurt, or you can just give me some numbing cream or something, right? You’ve done it twice now, Tal, it can’t be that bad.” Lil was rambling, but I knew exactly what she was talking about.

  “What the hell are you talking about, Asspuck? Geeze, too much champagne and you’re freaking bumbling.” Sier obviously did not.

  “Tal’s tats. I wanna do it. I love them.” Lil pulled up her foot like she was admiring her boys’ names already there. I bent my knee and traced the three letters on my other arch. ACE. I felt the heat of their stares on my finger. “Tal, you okay?” Lil whispered. “I mean I know you’re okay, but tonight was a lot. It was emotional. For all of us.”

  “You know I could say that I’m not. That I’m a mess. That I want to crawl into a black hole, under a rock and never come out. That I would do anything to bring him back to get just one more minute. But I don’t need to. Our time was enough … it was what we were given.”

  Lili sucked in a sharp breath and pinched the bridge of her nose.

  “Did I tell you the story about when Ash and I were scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef?”

  “Umm. Who knows? Pretty sure I lost track after your fiftieth trip.” Sierra haphazardly huffed and dragged a finger under her wet eye. Typical Sier comeback, pissed she was getting emotional.

/>   “Well, too bad. It’s a good one.” I loved that I could so easily slip back into my memories. “The sky and the water were the same vibrant blue, it was crazy how when you looked out to the horizon it was completely seamless. Anyway, we had just stripped off our wet suits from the dive of our lives. I had taken my seat at the stern and lifted my face to the sun, reliving what I just witnessed moments before. It was beyond anything you could have ever dreamed—spectacular, breathtaking, completely redefining my perfect paradise. I truly had never seen anything more beautiful.”

  “Oh Tal,” Lili croaked, wiggling into my chair and draping her arm around my shoulder.

  “He wrapped me in his arms,” I smiled at her as she squeezed me tighter, “and cuddled me to his chest, breathing me in like he had done so many times before. And instead of ogling the peaceful waters below, he turned my face, tucked my hair behind my ear and said, ‘Screw seven, there are eight.’ I stared into his penetrating green eyes and mumbled, huh? He had that small Ace smirk tugging at his lips—you know the one—like he was so proud of himself. Then he whispered, ‘You are the eighth wonder of the world, TP.’ I remember totally puckering my lips and shaking my head at his romantic nonsense.” Sierra and Lil chuckled, no doubt remembering how smooth my love was. “His next words, though. Those are the ones that blew me away and I replay a hundred times a day. They keep me warm at night and fill me up when I’m missing him so much it hurts. He asked me, ‘Do you know what it takes to have that label? It is amazement, uniqueness, beauty, and pure strength—that’s you. I don’t need anything more, this’—he looked past my face and stared out into the open water—‘this landscape means nothing without you in it. You are my wonder. You are my everything.’” Lil and Sier’s now streaming tears were turning into audible sobs. I couldn’t feel sad. He gave me a million more moments like this one, enough to last this lifetime. His love was like the ocean around us that day. There was no end and I was like a sea sponge completely immersed in it. My tears were done. My bucket was full. Ash made sure of it.

  I leaned my head against the chair and kept remembering. It had been a quiet Saturday morning. Ava and I were snuggling in our bed. Ash was already up and out, bringing back her favorite birthday breakfast. My heart skipped a little beat—god, I loved when it did that—thinking about those way too early hours and how I had been completely sated in his arms, dozing, when he kissed my temple and whispered something about getting bacon for his two favorite girls. And not only had he brought us the most delicious bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches, he had wrapped Ava’s gift himself. He couldn’t help himself, he loved surprises. And I’m sure he figured her brand new bike sitting in the living room just wasn’t enough.

  “Daddy,” she shrilled, throwing the covers back to cling to his neck in the tightest hug.

  “Happy Birthday, baby. You’re five. Wow. How’s it feel to be such a big girl?”

  “Good.” Like any child she zeroed in on the flat present sitting on the bed next to us. “Is that for me?”

  “Yup. This one’s from Daddy.” She tore at the paper and squeaked the book title out loud. “Have you filled a bucket today?”

  “Come here, let me read it to you.” And like every day since she was ours, Ace snuggled her into his chest and began to read the story that would be forever nestled in our hearts.

  Through Asher’s actions, Ava learned early about compassion, kindness, and what it was to be generous with love. Now it had a label.

  “I fill buckets, Daddy.”

  “Of course you do, baby. You fill Mommy and Daddy’s every single day … this beautiful smile.” She grinned at him, the kind of grin that melts your heart and makes you want to be a better person. A happy child’s grin. “The yummy squeezes you give us every morning and the kind things you say to your friends, baby girl, you are the best bucket filler.” She turned in her dad’s lap and squeezed tighter.

  We could almost see the wheels turning in her little brain when she said, “Sometimes the little girls are crying when we visit. I like to let them play with my dolls and then I brush their hair.” From the time Ava was small, Ash made it a point to bring us to the abused women and children’s shelter. He had set up this foundation as a gift for Chase and Lili’s wedding and never let a single donation go by without a match. “I feel good when I make them smile.”

  “You fill their buckets, and you fill yours at the same time. Don’t forget that, Aves.” He gently ran a finger down her cheek and gazed in my direction.

  When she crawled off Asher’s lap to climb onto mine, she asked, “Why are you crying, Ma?”

  “Just happy, baby girl. So happy.” Nothing more needed to be said. The simplicity and wonder of the moment was enough.

  Ace, Tack, and Ava were my wonders. For always, because forever wasn’t long enough. And even though he wasn’t here in the physical form anymore, Asher still filled our invisible buckets.

  I looked at my two best friends and smiled. They were both transfixed on the waves crashing against the shore, lost in thought.

  “You guys remember when Ava turned five?” I grinned, thinking about how my wonderful morning went a little haywire later in the day.

  “Ah yeah, and the shit show that followed, literally.”

  “Come on, Sier, it was the most adorable tea party in the history of tea parties, you know it was.” I did have to agree with Sier, party planner Lil took the Mad Hatter theme to the next level.

  “Who thought it was a good idea to have bunnies? I mean, fake ones, yeah, I get it. But these were live freaking rabbits hopping around their penthouse. And not just one, but a shitload.”

  “Ava was so happy, a little bunny poop never hurt anyone.” Lil would defend that party to the day she died. Ash and I didn’t give a crap (no pun intended), Ava’s squeal of joy made every turd worth it.

  I was grateful. Grateful for our crazy, silly jam-packed life. Grateful for the family he had given me. Grateful for our time together. Grateful for the two beautiful children he left me with. And most importantly, grateful he never had to suffer. There wasn’t a cure, or a quick fix to beat his disease, there was nothing to save him, no chemo or radiation, no experimental trials were going to extend his life. But he escaped his greatest fear. He remembered. He remembered and got to savor every single second until he closed his eyes for the final time. Stage four malignant melanoma of the brain was scary, a petrifying cancer that was unbeatable, but Asher still won by living life rather than letting his disease consume his final months. Our final months … at least here.

  Only days after his diagnosis we boarded a plane to Italy. We were hiking the five points in Cinque Terre when Tack pulled me aside. Ash and Ava had run ahead to snap some photos of the vibrant cliffside villages overlooking the sea. This was our final family trip abroad.

  “I’m living proof, Mom. You did it with me, and you can do it with Ava, too. I went eighteen years thinking my dad was the shit. You know why? Because of you. You made him that way. You talked about him constantly, about how much he loved me. You retold so many stories and made him such a huge part of my life I never even knew he wasn’t there. And you’re gonna do it all over again for Ava. Best part is … she got him. She knows him. He’s so far embedded in her little heart, she will never ever have a chance to forget him.”

  My tears were interrupted by my girl skipping down the trail, yelling, “We need a family picture. I want one for my room. Ma, look! Daddy set up the timer on that shaky rock. Come quick.”

  Taking a prime spot over our billiard table in the dining room was that priceless photo. Tack was right. Ava got him. And even though she got him from me every single day, Ash had made sure she got him at all her crucial numbers too, as he liked to call them. Asher loved to tease me about age, knew it pushed my buttons, when he couldn’t have cared less. Age never mattered, for him it was always how you lived out the time you were given. Only took me thirty plus years and one chance encounter to figure that out. But that argument was futile wi
th a ten-year-old girl who just hit double digits, or a sixteen-year-old who would be dying for her license, or an eighteen-year-old who was psyched she was officially an adult, or a twenty-one-year-old legally taking her first sip. Ace embraced that to a girl growing up, those were the numbers that mattered, so he filled a box and tucked it away in a safe place. Inside held gifts for each and every one of Ava’s crucial numbers. They were pre-wrapped and ready to be delivered. Some were small squares, others were flat, one was long and skinny. I had no clue what was inside of any of them, but under the elaborate bow—he so had them professionally wrapped—always sat a single envelope that read: To my beautiful ACE. I love you. To Asher those were the only words that mattered. I could sleep at night knowing our baby had lived, dreamed, and felt him with every step along her path thus far. A path that would undoubtedly wind, hit bumps, and veer off, he would always be with her.

  In the end I could have selfishly fought for a few extra pain-filled months with him. Why not? We didn’t need it. Our time on earth was complete.

  It was our eternity that was endless.

  So here I was sitting next to my girlfriends sipping our bubbly and munching on Hot Tamales, living out my promise to him. We had one path, one life, and now it was my turn to live it for both of us. Tonight we witnessed our son marry the girl of his dreams and watched our daughter spin around the dance floor and giggle with her cousins. Tonight our children gave us too many firsts; I would never jeopardize missing out on any of them. Not everyone gets a second chance. Asher would argue I taught him that, but he taught me to live in the moment because it’s the only time you own. You only have one shot at life—why waste your chance?