One More Try

by Erin Trejo

I drop onto the chair and open the bottle.

  “Everything I’ve done in this lifetime has been selfish. This wasn’t selfish, though,” I say to myself. Or maybe I’m talking to God. Who the fuck knows.

  I take a long pull and savor the burn as it slides down my throat.

  “I killed her…. I’m slowly killin’ Shannon. I’m a complete fuck,” I say as I chug the whiskey.

  “Damn right you are,” Link roars next to me.

  The next thing I know is that my half-drunk ass is getting handed to me by Link.

  His fist connects with my face multiple times. I don’t try to stop him. I don’t even fight him back. Maybe he needs this shit as much as I do. Maybe he needs to take out whatever anger he has on me.

  I gladly welcome it.

  His fist’s rain a never-ending stream of punches until he’s being yanked away from me.

  “You’re a fuck up! You can’t just go around and ruin people like that!” he roars as Bullet holds him back.

  “I’m not touchin’ her again so don’t worry. She’s all yours.” Her little gasp surprises me.

  “You don’t get to make that decision, Bash,” she says through her tears.

  I cock my head to the side and look up at her, “I already did.”

  Chapter 21

  Shannon

  Bash dropped a fucking bomb on me. Whether I reacted the right or wrong way, I reacted.

  It’s a hard thing to process that the father of your unborn child killed his girlfriend. What kind of person does that make him out to be? What kind of father would that make him?

  I came back to class like my uncle told me to. There’s a prospect outside just in case, though. He didn’t think the threat had anything to do with me. I don’t see why it would. I haven’t been outside of the clubhouse, aside from going to school.

  I see Tyler out of the corner of my eye. He watches me but he hasn’t said a word to me. I try to focus on what the professor is saying but feeling his gaze on me is setting my nerves on edge.

  I shift uncomfortably in my seat waiting for this to be over with. I want to get out of here. I don’t even know why I keep coming back. I hate school. I’m failing anyway.

  As soon as the bell rings, I’m out of my chair and heading toward the door.

  “Shannon, wait!” Tyler calls out to me. I lower my head not wanting to see him or hear what he has to say to me but for some stupid reason, I wait.

  “Hey, do you have a minute?” I shrug my shoulders when he lifts my chin.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said and how I acted. It was wrong.” His eyes seem sincere.

  “That hurt, Tyler. I thought we were better friends than that.” I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I hate that it affects me at all.

  “I know. I’m so sorry, Shannon.” Tyler pulls me into his chest, running his hand up and down my back.

  “It’s so hard, Tyler,” I cry. I let the emotions that I’d been holding onto flow free.

  “I understand why you didn’t want to tell me. I think we can make it work though. I mean... if you still want me.” What is he saying? He can’t say that.

  I pull back and look up at him like he’s lost his mind. Tyler just chuckles.

  “I mean it. I know I’m not the biological dad but the baby doesn’t need to know that.” Did he really just say that?

  “You have a life, Tyler. Football.” I shake my head. There’s no way in hell that he needs my messed-up shit in the middle of his world. He’s a good person.

  “So? Why can’t I have a family too? It isn’t unheard of. We could move into the family housing.” I stand there in a dumbstruck sort of state. He’s offering me a family? I don’t even know him that well.

  “As much as I appreciate that, I can’t do that Tyler.” I watch the rage in his eyes. It’s a strange reaction for someone you barely know.

  “Why not? I’m giving you the fucking chance to have a life, Shannon! One so you and the baby can live happily. I’ll take care of you both. What the hell is there about that... that you don’t want?” You. That’s the one word that pops into my head. It’s him that I don’t want. Not like that.

  “I just can’t do that, Tyler. I’m sorry.” I start to pull back when he leans into me.

  “I gave you the choice. You choose him over me every time!” he roars in my face. He’s drawing a crowd around us. Stares and whispers.

  “I’m not choosing him. We aren’t together, Tyler.” I yank at the arm that he now holds in his grasp.

  “Yeah. Whatever. Just remember that when he fucks you over. Don’t you dare come crying on my doorstep after that the asshole left you for another whore.” His words sting more than the hold he had on my arm.

  That’s essentially how he looked at me. Bash has never wanted anything from me but to have sex.

  I close my eyes and take a long deep breath.

  I’m nailing myself in this coffin.

  Chapter 22

  Sebastian

  “Link’s gonna show us what he found on the cameras. You ain’t gonna like it any more than I did,” Bomber says as Link sets up his equipment. I don’t like the sounds of this already.

  I look over at Kane but he just shrugs his shoulders.

  The big TV on the wall comes to life when Link says, “Keep an eye on the driveway.”

  We all watch intently. I lean forward, resting my elbows on the table in front of me.

  My eyes watch the screen as it comes alive. When the shots are fired. When everyone was screaming and running. But that’s now what I watch.

  “Fuck!” The guys all mumble.

  “Link, take that back a little,” I say. He looks at me but then does what I said. He reverses it and I watch it even more intently.

  “You see that shit? That one right there?” I point to the asshole in the corner of the screen.

  “Is he pointin’ that toward her?” Bomber roars when Micah stands up.

  “Take it back, Link!” he snaps. We’re all on our feet in front of the screen. We all watch as the inevitable is confirmed.

  “He was aimin’ for her! He wasn’t randomly shootin’!” Bomber roars to life. His body tenses as Link replays it one last time.

  “They’re not wearin’ cuts,” I add. They all turn to look at me before looking back at the screen.

  “Son of a bitch!” Dax growls.

  “Who the hell are they?” Bullet mumbles under his breath. That’s the fucking question.

  “Link, get me what you can! Bullet, call into Basket, see if he can get us anything. The rest of you, keep your fuckin’ eyes on her!” Bomber’s face is red. He’s pissed.

  I’m not far behind him. The guys all stand and leave the room making phone calls.

  Link stops me.

  “Now isn’t the time for you to pull away from her, Bash. If she knows what’s happenin’, she’ll lose it.” I shake my head, ignoring his little pep talk. I don’t need it, nor do I want it. He isn’t in charge of my life.

  I walk over to the bar and grab a beer, taking a long pull. I watch her come in the door with a strange look on her face. I nudge Kane and his eyes follow mine.

  “Hey, Shan. Come here,” he calls out to her. She looks up and plasters that fake smile all over her face. She walks over, making my fucking heart pound in my chest.

  “What’s wrong? I see the look,” Kane tells her as he pulls her into his side. My blood boils when I see that. I don’t want anyone’s hands on her but mine. In fact, I want to snap this motherfucker’s throat for even doing it.

  “Nothing. I just had a strange conversation is all.” She smiles up at him and I’m jealous. Me. Sebastian St. John, is fucking jealous. I want that goddamn smile to be mine. I want her smiling at me like that.

  “Oh yeah? Wanna talk about it?” She glances over at me before rolling her eyes and looking back at Kane.

  “No. I’m fine, Kane. Thanks, though.” Shannon pulls out of his grasp and starts to walk off. I start to follow her too, whe
n Bomber yells, “Shannon! Come here, please. I need a minute.” I stop the same time she does. She looks over at him and smiles.

  “Ok. I’m coming.” She turns on her heel and walks toward him.

  Chapter 23

  Shannon

  I watch the screen, my stomach in knots. It’s like a bad dream. It keeps replaying and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

  “Now you see that guy in the corner there?” My uncle asks me. I nod my head once and he replays it, yet again. “Watch his gun, sweetheart.” I do as I’m told and when he fires, I gasp. If Bash hadn’t pushed me down when he did, that bullet would have hit me.

  My mouth hangs open as I watch the paused screen.

  “Any idea who they are? They aren’t wearin’ cuts. That doesn’t mean they ain’t a club but typically they would wear their cuts to make a point.” Bomber has kneeled down in front of me, holding my hands in his.

  I shake my head slowly before I bring my eyes up to meet his.

  “They were trying to kill me.” The words leave my mouth. It’s hard to say that after what happened before. It’s hard to know that history may indeed, repeat itself.

  “Looks that way. I want you to hang back on classes for a while, yeah?” I nod my head slowly, bile rushing into my throat.

  “I won’t survive it again, Uncle Bomber. There’s no way. Not after what happened the first time,” I cry. I won’t. I know I won’t. If it hadn’t been for Aubrie the first time, I would have let myself be killed.

  My body, my heart, my soul, all of it had given up. She saved it.

  “We ain’t lettin’ anyone near you, Shannon. You have to believe that. Me, this club, we’ll keep you safe.” I nod once before I feel the familiar watering in my mouth.

  “I’m gonna be sick.” I put my hand over my mouth and run from the room and straight for the stairs. I don’t care that everyone is staring at me. I don’t care that they all see my weakness.

  I run down the hall, slamming my door closed and heading straight into my bathroom.

  Everything I ate today comes back up in a rush. I hold onto the toilet to stabilize myself as I heave. It all hurts so much.

  Whoever is after me. The Past. What might happen to me. Even Bash. It all hurts.

  My door closes but I’m too busy heaving to care who it is.

  The sink turns on and I’m being passed a wet rag. I look up to see Bash standing there looking as pissed as ever.

  “Go away. Why won’t you just go away!” I yell. I don’t want to deal with him. I don’t have the energy right now.

  “I can’t do that.” He takes the rag back and gently wipes my face and head. It’s such a gentle touch that it startles me.

  “Everyone hates me. No one wants me around. You don’t want me. Now this? What the hell did I do to deserve this, Bash?” I ask not allowing myself to cry anymore. I can’t. this is all too much.

  “You didn’t do anything, darlin’. People are sick. There’s many reasons they would want to hurt you. We don’t know that, yet.” His eyes search mine. Something becoming clearer and clearer as he watches me.

  “As for me, I’m done fightin’ this. I don’t have it in me anymore.” Oh, God. This is it. This is where he tells me he doesn’t want me either. I can feel it. Hell, a part of me knew it but hearing him say it over and over is like pulling my heart apart piece by fucking piece.

  I take a deep breath, and blow it out slowly, readying myself to hear it.

  He stands there watching me but not talking when I say, “Just say it, Bash. Say it and let’s get this over with. I can’t handle it anymore either.” His eyes darken for a second, his features hardening. I watch his jaw tic as his arms tighten.

  He closes his eyes and I wait. I wait for the fucking blow of rejection that I know all too well.

  “I want you, Shannon. In ways that I know I shouldn’t. In ways that I know could hurt you but I can’t focus. I can’t get my head straight when I’m not near you. I’m done... I’m done fightin’ what I feel because I’m fuckin’ losin’ myself when I do it.” I look up at him strangely and ask, “What does that mean?”

  He reaches for me, pulling me up in front of him.

  “It means that you’re mine. It means that this...” His fingers roam over my stomach slowly. “...Is mine. I know I’m a bad person but I need you to be the good, Shan. I need you to be the good that our baby needs because I don’t know that I can be that.”

  Chapter 24

  Sebastian

  If that wasn’t enough realization, I don’t know what would be. I gave her that part of me. It’s a strange feeling that I have in my chest, too.

  “You mean it?” She looks up at me with those brown eyes and my stomach drops. She’s so fucking hopeful that I can be what she needs and in the back of my mind, I’d like to think that I am, but reality says I’m not sure.

  “I can’t promise you. I know who I am. I know I can’t change that part of me. I’ll try. For you.... For our baby. You have to promise me somethin’ though.” She watches and waits.

  “Anything,” she whispers.

  “If there’s ever a time that I’m too far gone—you have to walk away. You have to take that baby and walk, Shannon. Promise me that much.” Tears fill her eyes. She doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t want that as her reality either but if we do this, it is hers.

  “I promise you, Sebastian.” Hearing her say my name sends chills up my spine. I lean down and brush my lips over hers slowly, and gently. She wraps her hands around my neck, pulling me in closer to her.

  Her body fits mine. Her heart pushes mine to a limit that I didn’t know it had. It stretches and flexes to fit her, and only her.

  A knock on the door pulls me away from her. I can’t tell Bomber this. Not now.

  “Answer it.” I nudge her. I sit on the edge of the bed watching her wipe at her eyes.

  She pulls the door open and Micah walks in. He eyes me for a second before looking back at Shannon.

  “I’m sure Bash already asked this but can you think of anyone that might be mad at you?” he asks her the same thing I already did. Shannon shakes her head before she says, “No one that would want me dead. I don’t get it Micah. I only have one friend. Danna is the only one I talk to.” He nods his head and looks to me.

  “We got nothin’. No other clubs are claimin’ this shit. We’re at a fuckin’ stand still.” My muscles tense. I will find the fuckers that did this and I will kill each and every one of them.

  “What about Basket?” I ask.

  “Ain’t heard shit. He’s puttin’ a few guys on it, though. I know you’ve already been told this but I’ll say it again. You don’t leave this clubhouse without one of us,” Micah tells her. She nods her head.

  “I won’t. I promise.” Micah leans in, pressing a kiss to her forehead. It’s such a common gesture. It makes my mind work overtime. Shouldn’t that be the way I treat her? The same as the other guys? They all look at her as a little sister. I look at her like a woman. A woman that I want beneath me, beside me, in me.

  “Bomber wants to cook in,” Micah chuckles.

  “Yeah, the cook out didn’t go so well.” It’s Shannon that cracks the joke. I smile watching her relax a little.

  “Heard that! Come down in a while. We’re hangin’ out.” He smiles before leaving the room. I grab Shannon’s hand and pull her into my lap.

  I press my lips into her neck before I sigh.

  “You’re gonna get me killed one of these days.” She giggles but turns her head to look at me.

  “Are you sure you want this?” Her face has grown serious with her question.

  “Yeah. I am.” I’ve never been so serious about anything in my damn life as I am about this.

  The thought of being a dad is what unsettles me the most. Women, I can handle. Shannon is different, though. I can only hope that I don’t break her too badly.

  Chapter 25

  Shannon

  As much shit that has gone down, th
is is peaceful. Link has the place locked down. No one will be getting in here.

  The music is blasting through the speakers. Everyone’s smiling and laughing. I know it’s only the calm before the storm. Whoever it is will come back.

  “What’s goin’ on in there?” Dax taps his fingers on the side of my head. I glance over and smile at him.

  “It’s nice when it’s like this.” I motion to what’s going on around us. Dax nods before he says, “It is. You know it’s not always all bad, yeah?” I nod. I know that.

  “They’ll come back, Dax. Maybe not right away but they will.” His smile fades but he nods his head. Dax was never one to take the easy route with me. He’s always been straight with his information.

  “You’re right. I wanna get you in the weight room and train some with you if you’re up to it. I know bein’ pregnant isn’t the ideal way to train but we can do some easy stuff.”

  “I want to. I think it’ll be good to get my mind off everything.” He smiles again before kissing the side of my head. I watch as he stands and walks toward the bar.

  Hands come down on my shoulders, massaging them gently. That touch. The way his hands sends warmth through me. The air around us crackles.

  “I’ll train you,” he leans down and whispers in my ear.

  “Bash, your training, and Dax’s are completely different,” I tell him. He laughs before sitting next to me. His eyes dance with a light I’ve never seen in them before. He’s so beautiful.

  “I wanna talk to you later.” Something inside of me shakes. What if he changed his mind? What if he decided I’m not worth the effort?

  “Stop! I can see what you’re doin’ and it’s not that. I just need to work things out in my head. It’s easier when I talk. That’s all.” I nod my head as he watches my lips. If only we didn’t have to hide this from my uncle it would be a lot easier. I know Bomber only wants to protect me.

  “You’re good with no school right now?” Speak of my uncle, and he appears.

  “Only for a few days. I need to get back. We have finals soon.” It’s not that I want to go. I couldn’t care less about school but the thought of being held up in this clubhouse every day and night doesn’t work for me either. I feel trapped and that’s not a feeling I like to have.