Losing Johnny

by Rachel Dunning

  And then...

  Hands, warm hands, on my shoulders. Hard hands, holding me. Pulling me back. Arms around my chest as tears welled in my eyes and streamed down my cheeks.

  Lonely gasps echoed in solitude throughout the forest.

  “I’ll drive you home,” he said.

  -2-

  He didn’t need to drive me all the way. I caught my breath and gathered my senses ten minutes later.

  There was no kiss as I dropped him off. But there was no hate, either.

  “I’m gonna call you, Nic,” he said from the window.

  “Johnny”—baby—“I can’t.”

  And then I drove off.

  By the time I got home, Johnny had already called Cat, telling her he was in town.

  When I walked through the door, she asked me, “Did you know he was in town?”

  He.

  “No. No. Of course not. Why would I know?”

  “Christ, I’m just asking.”

  “Why are you so fucking uptight?” I shouted.

  “Sorry,” Cat said. “That he arrived with NO warning... Why couldn’t he tell YOU at least?”

  He did tell me...

  “You look like you’ve been crying,” she said. “Everything OK?”

  “I’m fine. I’m just...fucking...great.” I stormed past her to my room.

  And I wept.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  ~ Curveball ~

  -1-

  Sunday, Aug 23

  “I’ve told you before, I can’t keep competing with this guy, Catherine.” Tiago lay on his bed with a hand behind his head. Shirt off.

  “You’re not competing with him.” I picked my panties up, slipped them on.

  “It feels like it.”

  “I’ve been faithful to you.”

  “Yes, because this Johnny has been overseas. Now he’s here.”

  I turned. Glared fire at Tiago for his accusations.

  He didn’t apologize.

  “Take me with you,” he said.

  “To the lunch?” We were all having a late lunch at the Abreus this afternoon. Short notice. Big surprise from Pat.

  “Yes.”

  I shook my head. “No, Tiago. That would be... It just wouldn’t be appropriate.”

  “Appropriate? What the fuck do you mean appropriate?”

  “I’ve known Pat and Iliana all their lives, I dated their son. It just wouldn’t be...”

  “Not appropriate for him.”

  Why did he have to do this? We’d just had great sex. It had relieved a tension I’d had in my neck since I’d heard about the lunch. “Tiago. Please don’t.”

  “You held back. During the sex. You held back.”

  “I have shit on my mind, goddamnit. Why can’t you just let it go?”

  He stood, strode to the window. Opened it. Sounds of traffic and honking cars billowed in.

  He turned, crossed his arms over his chest. “I won’t compete with him, Catherine.”

  “For fuck’s sake, I heard you the first time!”

  He stayed cool.

  “Tiago, baby.” I approached him. Put my hands on his cheeks. “I love you, OK?”

  He said nothing.

  “What?” I said.

  “I know you love me. And I know just how much you love me. Or how little.”

  I stood back. Cold. “That hurt.”

  “Good. It’s supposed to hurt.”

  “You never talk to me like this. What’s up with you?”

  “I’m pissed off. I don’t like this Johnny guy.”

  OK, so Tiago is the jealous type... And now that I saw it, I definitely wasn’t going to take him to the lunch with me. The last thing I needed was a social disaster at the Abreus’ place.

  “You don’t need to like him. You just need to trust me.”

  “Trust you to go see him. And yet you don’t let Simone come and see me.”

  The clock was ticking. I’d stayed late at Tiago’s place, feeling him inside me, riding him over and over to climax, trying to forget the swirl of confusion in my mind. But now I was running late. I still needed to get to Brooklyn, and then take the hour-plus drive to Long Island with mom and Nicole.

  “Tee, I need to go.”

  He glared at me.

  “Baby, please...”

  He ground his teeth.

  “Look,” I said, trying to diffuse the situation, “talk to Simone if you want, OK? I’m sorry I never trusted you. And...fine, maybe it’s...unfair to you to not let you talk to her.” It hurt like razorwire to say this to him. It wasn’t the same. Simone was a slut.

  But his expression eased.

  “See you tomorrow?” I said.

  “I’m still not happy.”

  I didn’t know what else to do. I looked at the time. “I—I really need to go. I’m sorry.” I kissed him on the lips, but he held back. “Tee?”

  “Catherine, you need to choose.”

  And then I flipped.

  “I’ve made my choice! Do you think I fuck you because I’m goddamned horny? Sex means something to me! It means a lot to me! That I’m with you means I chose you!”

  Pause. “I see it in your eyes. When we talk. When things from the past come up. When...he...comes up.”

  “He never comes up when we talk.”

  “Precisely. But he should. Like when you told me about those woods by your house. You went silent. I had to dig, nudge, push. And then you finally told me. It had something to do with him. It was your romantic go-to spot. In other words, you avoid talking about him. It’s like you’re afraid of remembering him.”

  “And? So what? I’m human. Not freakin Superwoman. I loved him. He was a big part of my life, my childhood. I told you I came with baggage. I was completely honest with you.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t get played by women, Catherine. I never have. And I don’t intend on starting now.”

  His words cut. They cut deep. “I’m going,” I said. “Fuck this. I’m late.” I started walking out.

  “You leave now and you’ll regret it.”

  I paused, my heart at my feet. Wtf? I turned. “Is that a threat?” My knees had turned to water.

  “No, it’s the truth.”

  “Three fuckin months and you threaten me so easily like this?”

  “I don’t get played—”

  “Oh, god Almighty—ENOUGH! I heard you the first time! JEEZUS!”

  His eyes went cold. Hard. “I’m warning you.”

  I didn’t like his tone. I’m no relationship expert—heck, I’m pretty catastrophic at them—but I’m into the whole equal-rights thing. I loved him. And he loved me. What right did he have to threaten me like this?

  “You’re...warning...me? What the fuck does that mean?”

  “Walk out that door and...”

  “And what?”

  He shrugged, unable to complete the sentence.

  The floor started to sway. “Tiago, answer me this—do you love me?”

  He didn’t answer.

  Tears welled at my eyes. Sharp, hot tears.

  “I see.” I took a step out the door, bomber planes screeching in my mind. I held onto the wall for a second, steadying myself.

  And then I walked into the hallway.

  The breakthrough past denial happened just before I took the first stair.

  I gasped, not understanding, not comprehending what had just happened. I was about to take the second step when I heard rushing footsteps, hard breaths, and my name being called furiously from up in the hallway. “CATHERINE! CATHERINE, BABY! I’M SORRY!”

  Wh—?

  Huh?

  “Catherine!” Tiago ran to me, yanked me from the stairs up into his arms. Caressed my hair. “Cathy, baby, I’m so sorry. I... I do love you. I do.” I collapsed into his chest, weeping, still not understanding.

  Does he? Does he really? Was there doubt in his tone as he’d said it.

  “I love you. I overreacted. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 
; He held me back. I sniffled, wiped my nose. “I really need to go,” I said, still dazed. Feeling like a boxer who’s just gotten up from the ten-count but who still hasn’t got his fists up.

  “OK,” he said. “See you tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow,” I croaked.

  -2-

  I should have known. I should have. The signs were all there. They’d been there since the beginning. And this, this, that threat, his harsh words. Surely even you’ve seen the signs by now! But I didn’t, not at the time. Not when I was in it.

  It’s a human flaw, to expect the best when all things point to the worst.

  I should have known.

  -3-

  My world shattered into a million pieces when Johnny saw me and held me that night. He held me like nothing had changed, like he still loved me. Not sexual love. Real love. Soulmate love. “Cat, how are you?”

  Cat.

  I wanted to push him back, to rip his clothes off, tell him I was sorry, I was wrong, I had changed. Things had changed. All was better now. I had found myself. I had gotten the space I’d needed and all was better. We could go back to how things were. We could go back to fucking madly in the woods. To holding hands. To sleepovers, to him sneaking into my bedroom at night.

  To being kids.

  To my father being alive.

  No.

  No. We couldn’t go back.

  Life never goes back. Only forward. Relentlessly.

  “Johnny,” I said. That was all.

  He and Nicole gave each other a cold greeting, which I found strange. I found it very strange. If they had been texting, surely they’d have some likeability for each other. But this greeting had not even been civil.

  “How’s love, Daniela?” I asked when we were at the table.

  She blabbered on about how wonderful it was, how well suited she and Matthew were, how sexy he was. What great muscles he had. How she was sure they’d never break up...

  Thirteen years old.

  Thunder and mom’s relationship became front and center as the topic of discussion. And while “the adults” were talking I forced myself to be civil to Johnny. Nicole, up to now, had only looked at her plate, avoiding all eye contact with him. And when there was contact...

  Something was up. I could feel it. I could sense it.

  “How long you staying in town for?” I asked Johnny.

  “A few months. Dad’s turning things over to me.”

  Nicole’s wine stopped halfway to her mouth. She looked at Johnny. He looked at her. “And I have some investments I’m taking care of.” Nicole kept on drinking, returned to her food.

  She had known about the investments. It was obvious. The look to him had been a mental nudge.

  “Investments?” I asked.

  Johnny said nothing at first. Then: “Just something small.”

  I noticed Nicole getting agitated again, trying not to roll her eyes.

  “Small?” I said.

  “Yeah. Nothing major. I’m mainly here for dad’s shipping business.”

  “You’re too modest, Joãzinho!” Pat bellowed from the head of the table. “Tell the girls what you are doing.”

  Johnny said nothing.

  “Fine, if you won’t tell it then I will,” Pat said.

  Johnny put his hand up. “Fine. I’ll tell it.”

  “Property,” Johnny said. “We’re buying something in the city, dad and I. Two places, actually. One to rent out, one for myself for when I’m in town. And I’m looking at a joint venture with a guy here. A club. High-class. And, of course, there’s the shipping business. That too. Dad wants me to take that over. He’ll be grooving me into the day-to-day affairs.”

  Nicole seemed agitated again. She was really starting to piss me off. So I finally snapped. “Nicole, something you wanna say?”

  She cocked an eyebrow at me. “No?”

  “But you look like you’re dying to. I can see your mouth practically moving. What is it? What’s so damn important that you keep looking at Johnny after every answer he gives?”

  Her eyes swung irritably in Johnny’s direction, then mine. She put her glass down. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll tell you.”

  And then she did.

  She told me everything.

  She told me more than I’d expected.

  “Johnny has a gift, a gift for closing and negotiating and reading the market. Pat’s shipping company has turned a hundred percent more profit this year than last, and the year’s not even over. Johnny knows how to negotiate. How to charm. The club will be a success because Johnny will make it a success. He’ll probably be a millionaire within six months of opening it, that’s my opinion. Pat’s putting up the capital for the rental property in Manhattan, because he thinks Johnny will be able to make it boom. They’re opening up a holding company, getting ready to invest in different businesses, and Johnny will one day run it all. Johnny was the one who found the club, proposed it to his dad. Pat didn’t hesitate a second in offering the capital for it.”

  I stared at her, hate forming in my eyes. “Well informed, aren’t you?”

  She picked her wine up. Sipped it. “Good enough for you?”

  “Fuckin dandy.”

  “It’s no secret he and I have been talking.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “Girls. Girls. Please.” Johnny put his palms out facedown in a gesture of peace.

  The “adults” had not picked up on our conversation. But Daniela was looking at us wide-eyed, excited at the imminent cat-fight.

  Nicole and I said nothing else to each other the rest of the night.

  Having Johnny so close... It was difficult. Only when you’ve been in such a position can you understand it.

  Tiago had been right. So right. I had loved Johnny more than anyone or anything. It’s true. And I had loved him more than I loved Tiago.

  The key word here is had. Once upon a time I had loved Johnny that much. More. Once upon a time. Now? I didn’t know.

  But I did love Tiago. Now. And love is a big word for me. I don’t use it lightly. So that was all there was to it.

  I was gonna work at it, not give up. Tiago was a good guy, great in bed, sincere, kind. That love could grow. I knew it could. Would it ever be bigger than me and Johnny? It was irrelevant. We could work with what we had.

  Our fight earlier had been rough. Our first ‘bad’ fight ever, actually. I texted Tiago, told him I loved him.

  He didn’t text back.

  During lunch, I kept a mental wall up between me and Johnny. The electrodes had come together, the sparks were there. Tesla coils. I could feel them, hot and heavy under my skin. Tension building. Negative tension.

  I wouldn’t let them burst.

  Wouldn’t.

  Just before we left, Johnny pulled me aside. Said to me, “Cat, we should see each other some time. To talk.”

  The Tesla coil increased in charge.

  I thought of Tiago.

  You have to work with what you have, with the present. You can’t regret the past, not like I always do. “I don’t think we should, Johnny. I don’t think we should see each other at all.”

  Nicole and I stewed in the car on the way home. Alice noticed.

  “What’s up with you girls?”

  Neither of us said anything.

  “Johnny’s looking good, huh?” Alice said.

  We didn’t comment.

  She got the point. She put the radio on and we listened to music all the way home.

  When we got home, Alice said, “Just don’t blow up the house, you two. I’ll be going out for a bit.” She eyed us skeptically. We were both just waiting for her to leave.

  When she closed the door behind her, I turned to Nicole with venom in my eyes.

  “Talk,” I said to her.

  “You’re full of shit, you know that?”

  “Talk!”

  “Don’t fuckin high-and-mighty me. He and I are in touch. I didn’t tell you because I knew this is how you’d reac
t.”

  “There’s more.”

  “Bullshit. You want there to be more. You want there to be a reason why he’s not with you. There is no other reason. You let him go, and you didn’t take him back. That’s the only reason you two are not together.”

  “It’s not about that. There’s something going on between you two. And you’re my best friend. You know the rules.”

  “Oh, yeah, sure! I’m flying up to freakin Portugal and fucking him overnight and then flying back to the states and going to college the next day!”

  “You have feelings for him.”

  “BULLSHIT. You’re freakin psycho!” Her eyes watered up. “I FUCKING TOLD YOU, THERE’S NOTHING! NOTHING! WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?” She was hysterical, starting to tremble.

  She was becoming defensive. It’s how she gets when you put her against a wall. This wasn’t good. I’d pushed her into a corner. Whatever was going on (if something was going on) between her and Johnny, I decided it could wait. I had to bring my best friend back down to earth.

  “WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME? I LOVE YOU, CAT! I—”

  “OK. OK. Chill, Nic. I’m sorry. Just...”

  “I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU! EVER!” Her eyes overflowed. Her hands went to her head. Hyperventilating. She covered her face with her palms, started sobbing. Fell on the couch.

  I sat next to her.

  Waited it out.

  She wept. And wept. And wept.

  And then her phone buzzed on the table.

  Not thinking, I picked it up.

  It was a message from Johnny.

  It said: Meet me 4 coffee 2mrw. I promise I won’t kiss you again.

  I flipped.

  -4-

  At the end of it, Nicole’s phone was smashed against the wall. I’d scratched her face, she’d scratched mine...

  I’d called her a WHORE, a LIAR, a SKANK.

  I’d called her many, many more things that I regret. Unforgivable things.

  I told her to leave the house, to get out, to go away. To just “FUCK OFF!”

  “You’re fucked, you know that?” she said. “Fuckin LOCA!”

  Just before she left, she grabbed her diary, wrapped in pink. She threw it on my lap while I trembled in the dark. “Read it,” she said. “All Johnny’s entries are decorated with the sticker of a cat in the corner. I won’t explain why.”