Private Pleasures

by Lawrence Sanders

  It was a fantastic meal, but the pice de resistance as far as I was concerned was Mabel Barrow, a piece I couldn't resist.

  She wore a tight embroidered dress ith a neckline that just wasn't there, and I kept waiting (and hoping) for one of her boobs to plop into the soup.

  There were six of us at the table, including the kids. Both Tania and Chet were finicky eaters, but they admitted it was a super dinner and cleaned their plates. After dessert the kids disappeared somewhere, and the four of us sat around awhile and chatted as we finished the wine.

  Then Gregory and Marleen started talking shop, and Mabel and I wandered out to the backyard where I could smoke a cigar. Marleen didn't let me do it in the house. it was a gorgeous Summer night, just cool enough to be comfortable. it wasn't a full moon, but there to was enough of it so I could see the gleam of Mabel's semi-exposed balloons.

  "That's a great dress you're almost wearing," I told her. , "You like it?" she said, pleased.

  "Love it," I assured her. "I'd buy Marleen something like it but it would be a waste of money, she'd never fill it the way you do."

  "I'm glad you approve," Mabel said. "I wore it to a cocktail party last Saturday, and I got a lot of compliments.

  "And passes from the guys," I guessed.

  By that time we had strolled to the end of the backyard and were standing near a little herb garden Marleen had planted.

  "Have you been thinking about it?" I asked her in a low voice.

  "Thinking about what?"

  "Don't play games, Mabel. You and me."

  "You said you were going to move out and get a motel room," she reminded me. "But you're still here.

  "That doesn't change how I feel about you. I found a motel.

  How about it?"

  "Where is it?"

  "The motel? Down near Lauderdale. Way off in the boondocks.

  Nothing elegant, but it's clean and away from everything. No one would ever spot us. We could meet there.

  She didn't say anything.

  "Look," I said, "I guess you know you drive me nuts. I don't think of anything but you. Even in my dreams. When you walked in tonight, I thought my knees were going to buckle. That's how you affect me. Do you ever think about me that way?"

  "Yes," she said. "Frequently. But I'm scared."

  "Nothing to be scared about, I told her. "No one's going to find out.

  Nothing's going to change-except us. it'll be great for both of us, I just know."

  Again she didn't reply. But I've been a salesman all my life, and I know the first rule of successful huckstering, Keep talking.

  "I Greg such a great lover?" I asked her.

  No, she said, "he isn't."

  "Well, I am," I said. "And that's not bragging, it's the truth. I know how to pleasure a woman. Things I'll bet you've never even thought of."

  "You're getting to me, Herm," she said with a throaty laugh.

  "If I decide it's a go-and notice I say if-how do we manage it?"

  "Easiest thing in the world. We pick a time that's right for both of us. I'll give you the address and directions how to get there. You drive out in your own car. I'll get there first and be waiting for you.

  Believe me, you'll have no hassle at the desk. You're just visiting a guest at the motel-me. I'll be using my own name. That's how sure I am that we'll have no problems."

  "I'm still scared," she said. "I've shacked up at motels, but that was when I was single. I've never cheated on Greg before."

  "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

  "Yeah," she said, "I guess you're right."

  "Life is short, Mabel," I urged her. "Let's grab a little fun while we can."

  "I'm all for that," she said. "But now I think we better get back inside, or they'll start thinking we're grabbing a little out here."

  We went back inside, and the Barrows finally left about eleven o'clock.

  Tania had already gone to bed,, and I helped Marleen clean up the kitchen. I told her what a great dinner it was.

  "Thank you," she said, and went upstairs to the master bedroom.

  I stayed downstairs, kicked off my shoes, and mixed myself a big brandy and soda. I flopped into an easy chair and reviewed my sales pitch to Mabel Barrow. I figured it was right on target and a done deal.

  I expected to feel the usual excitement and sense of triumph I get when I know I've scored, but for some reason I didn't feel those things that night. To tell you the truth, I was a little depressed. Maybe if Mabel had made more objections, I would have enjoyed my victory more.

  I always liked selling an insurance policy to a prospect who starts out by saying no and ends up a client saying yes.

  But Mabel never said no. With her it was "maybe" from the start, and it doesn't take a dynamite salesman to convert maybe to yes. I'm not saying she was a pushover, but there was no challenge. I think I had caught her at a time in her life when she was more than ready.

  Perhaps that was what depressed me. The thought occurred that if it wasn't me, it would have been some other man. You understand? It wasn't Herm Todd she had the hots for, I just happened to be the nearest guy available. If I hadn't made a move on her, she'd have found someone else, I was sure of it.

  Once I realized that, I began to wonder about all the other women I had shagged, thinking I had succeeded in selling them a bill of goods, talking them into something they didn't want to do.

  Maybe I had the whole thing ass backwards, they were making the conquest, not me, and all their protests were playacting, either to make themselves feel virtuous or to tickle my macho ego.

  Those were not pleasant thoughts, I can tell you that.

  Because if my fears were true then I had been used by women all these years, played for a fool, treated like a sex object, for God's sake!

  I mixed myself another drink.

  Listen, I admit no one would ever mistake me for LMARY Poppins. I mean I've done a lot of scurvy things in my life-not because I wanted to but because I had to if I wanted to survive.

  Sure, a lot of things I did were illegal, and even when I wasn't breaking any laws, a lot of people would say I was acting in an immoral way. Screw them! I couldn't afford to have morals.

  And I happen to know what the Bible says about casting the first stone.

  At the same time I was living a sleazy life, there were some things I just wouldn't do, even though they would have made me a nice buck. For instance I never peddled dope. I've never done a woman, although I had plenty of chances, believe me. And the same goes for orgies. As Willie the Weasel would say, it's just not my style.

  So I did have standards, even if you probably think them a laugh. To tell you the truth, all my life I wanted to go straight, but I could never manage it.

  My thing with Marvin Mcwhortle was about as close as I ever came, but now that had ended and I was back to the sleaze again. It hurt.

  You may not believe this, but Town amp; Country was my favorite magazine of all time. I liked to read about people riding to the hounds, going to formal parties, and all that stuff, and I liked to look at the photos of the women who just got hitched. You could tell they were marrying money, which is okay, but some of them weren't as pretty as me and didn't have the bod. But what the hell, life is unfair, everyone knows that.

  I'm telling you all this to help explain why I decided to go in on Willie Brevoort's caper. It was the heaviest thing I had ever done, and I knew that if we got busted, we'd all do hard time. But it was a chance, you see-maybe the only chance I'd ever have to get out of the rat race and go straight. Because if it went down like Willie said, we'd all be on easy street.

  I talked it over with Laura Gunther and told her how I felt.

  "Yeah, kid," she said, "I know where you're coming from. it could be the answer to your dreams, and it could also be the end of the road.

  You know that, don't you?"

  "Sure I do," I said. "And if I had a better choice, I'd take it. But the only other choice I have is hitting the cl
ubs again or going back to hustling conventions. So I think I'll gamble on Willie. How about you?

  " She sighed. "I guess I might as well," she said finally.

  "Right now I've got nothing in my future but standing on my feet all day in that shitty shop and boffing Big Bobby Gurk at night, that asshole.

  Yeah, I guess I'll play along."

  So we gave Willie a call, and he came over to my place and we started planning.

  This wasn't going to be a simple job like when you smash a jewelry store window, grab a Rolex, and run. This was a real scenario with a lot of details and tricky timing, and everything had to go just right or we'd all get racked up. So we spent plenty of time discussing possibilities and how we'd handle things that might go wrong.

  We didn't get it all figured out at one meeting, of course.

  We got together almost every evening, and gradually it all came out smart and tight. The one objection I had was using my place as headquarters.

  "It's got to be, Jess," Willie argued. "My condo is too small, and so is Laura's. We need a safe house, and you've got two bedrooms. We can't rent a hotel suite, can we?"

  "I don't know," I said doubtfully. "I don't think I can handle it by myself."

  "Not to worry, Willie said. "I'll be right here with you until it's over. Okay?"

  So I agreed. Talk about your Fatal Errors!

  Everything was going along fine, and we were getting to the point where we were ready to set a definite date for the Crime of the Century when Willie showed up at one of our meetings looking worried.

  "Something's happening," he said, "and I don't like it. I didn't want to mention it to you ladies because I thought I might be imagining it.

  But now I know it's for real. About a week ago I thought I was being tailed. I kept seeing this black Toyota Camry everywhere I went.

  Always driven by the same man, a little y who wears wire-rimmed specs.

  Finally I decided I gu better check it out, so I jotted down his plate number. One of the members of my private club is a cop, and I slipped him five yards to have it traced. The Camry is registered to a shtarker I've heard about who's got a name so long that no one can pronounce it.

  So he's called Teddy O and he works as an enforcer for Tomasino, a Miami shylock. From what I hear, Teddy O. is not a nice man."

  "Why would he be following you?" I asked.

  It was the first time I ever saw Willie lose his cool, and it scared me.

  "Why?" he shouted. "Why? Use your goddamn head! I don't owe Tomasino, so Teddy O. must have come up from Miami on a special job for someone else. And who could that be but Big Bobby Gurk?

  All these South Florida heavyweights are buddy-buddy."

  "You think Gurk is keeping an eye on you?" Laura said.

  "What else?" Willie said. "He thinks the ZAP Project is still alive, and there's a buck to be made. So he puts this Teddy O. on my tail, hoping I'll lead him to the Mcwhortle chemist.

  Then Gurk moves in and takes over. I know how that fat slob works." ii So what do we do now, Willie?" I asked worriedly. "Call the whole thing off?"

  He looked at me. "Not a chance. I'm just telling you ladies that it's suddenly become a lot hairier, and if you want to cut out, you're entitled. But I'm going to stick with the plan.

  Gurk may have the muscle ve got the brain. If I can't out-finagle that stupe but, I might as well go back to pimping. No, I'm not giving up just because a hatchet man is on the scene. if push comes to shove, I'll figure a way to handle Gurk and Teddy O. Now what about you two?"

  Laura and I exchanged a glance. I was impressed by Willie's confidence, and I admired his sass. I think Laura did, too.

  "I'll stick," she said. "What the hell, in for a penny, in for a pound."

  I nodded. "I'm still in, Willie," I said.

  He smiled at us. "You ladies are the real thing," he said.

  "I love you. We'll come out of this smelling like roses, you'll see.

  Now, Jessica, I want you to find the Barrow home and learn the neighborhood. Not only the main drags but the back roads.

  Make a couple of trips from the Barrow place to here at legal speeds, and time how long it takes. This whole caper is going to depend on timing."

  So I did what he said. The Barrows lived in a nice clean development, a real family place where everyone seemed to have little kids and big lawns. There was nothing Town amp; Country about it, but it looked solid and respectable, and you just knew that no one who lived there had problems.

  I drove around and learned how to get in and out of the development and the fastest route back to my home. I kept track of the times and how long it would take even if traffic was heavy or I got stopped by red lights. I also found another route that took a little longer, a two-lane road with no traffic lights.

  On the second day I did this, I drove back to my home in the late afternoon and as I turned into my street, a black Toyota Camry passed me, going the other way. it had just gone by my house. I was spooked me model that Teddy O when I saw that car, the sa shadow Willie Brevoort. the hit man, was using to of a good But that wasn't what set me shaking. I got a look at the guy driving it, and like Willie had said, he was a small gink wearing wire-rimmed cheaters. I had seen him before.

  He was John R. Thompson, who had talked his way the property tax appraiser into my house to count the rooms-he said. I started e me, I know how to do it. cursing-and believe The moment I got home I looked up the property directory… he tax appraiser's office in the telephone number was different from the one Thompson had make absolutely certain I had given me to call. just to aid been diddled, I phoned the legit number. They s med John R. Thompson. they had no appraiser na at myself I could scream."hung up, so furious had let that little prick con me, and it made me feel like a moron. I thought I was street-smart, and I fell for a crude scam like that.

  Then I started thinking. If Teddy O. knew where I lived and had cased my home, he and Big Bobby Gurk would know I was connected with Willie Brevoort and the chemist at Mcwhortle Laboratory. g time. I knew I'd I thought about my choices a Ion have to tell Willie and Laura that our "safe house" wasn't so safe anymore.

  But before I did that, I decided, I better call a real estate agent and get my beautiful home listed. I had a feeling I wouldn't be living in it much longer.

  DR. CHERRYNOBLE you would think, wouldn't you, that being a practicing psychiatrist with all my working hours filled with the problems of my patients, I would welcome a placid and trouble-free private life. But that wasn't the case at all. Sometimes I wondered if problems are necessary to feel truly alive. And if they don't come to us, we create them.

  All I know is that my existence would have been unutterably empty and sterile if it hadn't been for my relationship with Chas Todd. My work was satisfying on a professional level, but it didn't totally engage me, I wanted something more. I suspected it might be a need for personal drama.

  Chas asked for my advice on how he might assist his brother and how best to handle the intention of his niece, Tania, to run away from home. What was most significant to me was his confidence in my judgment and his willingness to seek my help.

  It was an added bond between us, another signal of our growing intimacy.

  "Chas," I told him, "I find your brother's problems as troubling as you do, and I wish I could suggest a simple and guaranteed solution, but I can't. Some problems are insoluble, you know that."

  "I don't want to believe it," he said. "It means I can't do a damned thing but wait for a disaster to happen. Herman told me he went to see you."

  He told you that?" I said, mildly surprised. "Yes, we had a single introductory session. Then he called and said he had decided not to continue."

  "My brother is an asshole," Chas said gloomily. "Even he knows it, but he's unwilling to make an effort to change. And as for Tania, she says she and Chester Barrow plan to leave home before school starts after Labor Day. Cherry, do you think I should tell their parents?"

  "Yes," I said,,"I
think you should. I know you feel it will be a betrayal of Tania's trust, but the physical safety of the children comes first."

  "Yeah," he said, "I guess you're right. And maybe if I tell, it'll convince the parents that they better start paying more attention to their kids. I'll think about it. Will you fix us a drink?"

  "I thought you'd never ask," I said. "It's a good night for it."

  I was referring to a heavy rain that had started early in the evening and was continuing with no sign of a letup. I had driven to Chas's studio after dinner, through flooded streets and over palm fronds blown down by a blustery wind. The rain was still rattling against the roof of his barn and streaming down the windows, but we were snug and dry.

  I poured us glasses of a tawny Spanish port we were, both developing a taste for. The only illumination in the big room came from the desk lamp. It made a cone of light, holding back the shadowed corners. Chas wheeled his chair in reverse until his face was in semidarkness.

  "Hey," I protested, "I can't see you."

  "That's the way I want it," he said. "Because I have a confession to make to you, Cherry."

  I waited.

  "Remember when I was under treatment, I told you about a woman named Lucy I was engaged to?"

  "I remember," I said. "She was killed in a car crash."

  "It was all bullshit. There never was any woman named Lucy.

  I made the whole thing up."

  "Why did you do that, Chas?"

  "I don't know. Maybe I wanted your sympathy. I really don't know why the hell I told you that lie. It just seemed a good idea at the time."

  "And why are you telling me now that it was a lie?

  He took a deep breath. "Because," he said, "I don't want any more lies between us. Nothing fake, nothing make-believe. No more bullshit."

  "Perhaps you told me about Lucy to persuade me that you had been attractive to women before you were injured."

  "That's possible," he acknowledged. "At that stage in my therapy I wasn't thinking too clearly."

  "Chas," I said, "Lucy is the name of Tommy Termite's girlfriend in your new book, isn't it?"

  He wheeled his chair back into the lighted area and stared at me. I had no doubt whatsoever that he was startled.