When we pulled into his garage, the twins jumped out and went running wildly into his house like they owned it. I smiled at their familiarity with his home…and him. I loved that they loved him, and I was beyond grateful for his returned interest. He carefully picked Emmy up—she was still half asleep and cried each time anyone touched her. I knew she must’ve been in agony and it left me utterly helpless. Jase carried her into the house and to an enormous bathtub that must have had fifty jets in it—a huge garden tub—and her eyes lit up for the first time in two days.
“Do you have bubbles?” she asked with wonder in eyes.
“I think I can make bubbles happen.”
I looked at him with a bewildered stare, and he smiled, seemingly pleased he was able to bring her a bit of happiness. I laughed when he took a bottle of shampoo and poured some under the faucet to give her what she asked for.
“Bubbles are bubbles. They don’t have to come out of a pink bottle, right?”
She shook her head and started stripping her clothes off to hop in. I hadn’t seen her move that fast since this all started, but when he turned the jets on, it was like she thought she was in her own little amusement park.
“Can I stay with you guys?” Jase asked.
I hesitated but Emmy nodded eagerly, so I agreed. “Why don’t you stay with Emmy and I’ll go see what I can make for dinner?”
“No! Mommy can’t cook. Her food is yucky.” She stuck her tongue out and pointed her finger down her throat. I glared playfully at her with a smirk just barely visible.
“Okay, silly girl, since you don’t want your mommy to cook, what do you want for dinner?”
“Pizza.”
Protest lingered on my tongue when Jase gave her exactly what she wanted.
“If you want pizza, then pizza it is.”
I would have to talk to him about giving in to the kids’ whims—he had no clue what kind of mayhem he’d create the first time he told them no. But today wasn’t the day to have that conversation. Anything that made her feel even remotely better was worth it in my book.
“Pizza it is. I’ll go find out what Megan and Trace want. You want cheese and pineapple, right?” My little blonde baby nodded and her curls bounced around on top of the water.
“Gross. No way! Pineapple on cheese is nasty,” Jase objected playfully.
“What would you like? The kids will all eat the pineapple,” I asked him with my hand on my hip.
I watched the light dance on his face as the sun began to set. The way the sun illuminated his eyes almost made them glow like it was coming from within him. I didn’t know what it was about this man, but something in him called to me. I wanted to be near him; I loved having him in my children’s lives.
“Ham, bacon, sausage, pepperoni, and mushroom,” he said definitively. “From Piscanos. Their number is next to the phone in the kitchen. And they deliver.” He took his wallet out of his pocket and handed me his credit card. I tried to shove it back at him, but he refused.
“Meat much?” I laughed as we exchanged the credit card back and forth. “I can cover pizza, Jase.”
“My house. My guest. Take the card.” I relented, knowing I wouldn’t win anyway and didn’t want to have the discussion in front of Emmy.
“You good with her?”
He nodded. I glanced at them both one last time, watching him lean in over the tub to brush her hair out of her face with bubbles up to her neck. Anyone else watching the two of them together would believe he was her daddy. I wished that were the case, but circumstances left me with a different reality. I chose to embrace the good and take pride in the fact this man loved my children.
After dinner, it didn’t take long to get the kids settled in bed. They were used to sleeping together, so we put them all in one room with a TV and let them drift off on their own. Jase and I retreated to his man cave where I knew the discussion I’d been dreading for so long would finally take place. I’d avoided it as long as possible, but today was the day and I was out of excuses to hide.
Sure enough, he didn’t turn the television on and sat in the stadium seating next to me. If I had to guess, I’d say he chose this room because it didn’t offer the type of comfort his bedroom did. We were forced to sit up in the recliners to have a discussion.
“You know you’re going to have to tell me what she’s up against, right?”
I took a deep breath and held it for just a moment before expelling all the dread I could manage to push from my body in one exhale. “What do you want to know?”
“How she got it, how they treat it, can she be cured?” He raked his hand through his hair, and his eyes went to that stormy gray I loved but hated to see because I knew it illustrated just how upset he truly was. “Everything, Gia. I want to know everything.”
“About two years ago, she got this horrible rash. I didn’t know what it was, but it started on her bottom and kids get diaper rash all the time. It’s just a fact of life, and she’d had bad diaper rash before. Foolishly, I assumed it was the same thing.” I fidgeted with my hair, twirling a lock of the long, dark strands around my fingers. “After about six weeks, when I couldn’t get it to go away after trying everything I could think of, I managed to scrape up enough money to go to a doctor. I was broke, she was a year old, and Ryan had just died…it was just a bad time. I wasn’t thinking straight, or I would have taken her sooner. I would have insisted something more be done.”
He reached over and wiped the first of many tears I knew would come from my eyes. I hadn’t told this story to anyone other than a doctor—ever. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
“The doctor blew it off as a bad diaper rash just like I had. He gave me ointments to put on it and sent me on my way. I used them, and the rash looked like it had started to clear up. I didn’t think much about it and went on with life…or what remained of it. I was depressed and struggling more than I’d ever imagined. I had three kids in diapers and was suddenly a single mother in a new town. And destitute.”
I hated the way he stared at me. He hung onto my every word, but I knew his opinion would change when he realized just how crummy a mother I’d been to my children after Ryan’s death.
“She started acting weird. A one-year-old is typically very active; they play non-stop, and she was no different. Emmy chased after Trace and Megan like it was her sole mission in life to catch them. But suddenly, one day, she wasn’t following them around. She wasn’t moving much at all. She would lie on the floor and do nothing but stare off into the distance. I had nothing, Jase. What the stock market didn’t take, the lawyers did, and anything left was either seized by the government for Ryan’s laundering or was used for basic necessities. Within a couple of months of Ryan’s death, I was out of money and there were no jobs. Trying to get medical care was a monumental task, and honestly, I wasn’t in the mental state to manage it.”
“Where was your family? Ryan’s?”
“Jase, I don’t have any family. Miss Pearl is the closest thing to family I’ve ever had, and she’s my elderly neighbor. Ryan’s family hadn’t been in the picture since the first year of our marriage. I know that isn’t something you understand, but you have to remember, the families he was working for moved me here to get me away from them, to protect me from the backlash of Ryan’s decisions inside. That was gracious—they could have made me go away. I don’t know why they didn’t, and I’ll never know, but they spared my kids and me. My only guess is they knew we had no idea any of it was going on—including the money laundering. If I hadn’t been friends with the other wives, things probably would’ve gone very differently.”
“He was really tied up in the mob?”
I shrugged. The truth was I didn’t know and never wanted to know the details. It was safer that way.
“So Emmy—what happened?”
“I finally managed to get myself together enough to apply for Medicaid. If nothing else, it gave me the ability to take her to the doctor. Or so I thought…and initially, it did.
We went for countless visits before it was finally determined somehow she’d contracted Lyme disease.” I bit the inside of my cheek trying to keep from crying.
“Isn’t that caused by a tick?” he asked and I nodded. “How the hell would a baby have been bitten by a tick? I don’t see you out camping with three babies alone?” And therein lies the million-dollar question.
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I can’t answer that. We didn’t have a dog, which every doctor always asked. The only conclusion I can come to is we lived in a crappy place, and I didn’t take care of it.” I paused to compose myself—unwilling to allow myself to cry anymore. This was my fault, and I owned responsibility for it. If I had to spend my remaining days making sure she knew how sorry I was, I would, because I hadn’t taken care of her the way I should have. As a result, she would be affected for the rest of her life by my poor decisions and Ryan’s stupidity. Maybe if he hadn’t been killed, if he’d just done his time and come home, maybe I wouldn’t have been in the fragile mental state I was. I wouldn’t have been consumed by depression at the loss of my other half. But those were all what ifs, and I didn’t really know if anything would have been different.
“She had to get it somehow.” He was bothered, understandably.
“I’ll never know, Jase. All I know is she never went anywhere she could have picked one up, so I have to assume it came off the carpet in our apartment.”
“Okay, so she got bit by a tick. People get bitten by them all the time.”
“She was bit and it went untreated for months. The ointment for the rash just masked the visible symptoms. It did nothing to treat the actual Lyme infection. As a result, it’s unlikely she’ll ever be completely cured. The hope is to get her into remission again so she’s not struggling with symptoms, but there are people who deal with it every day.”
“Like this? She could be like this forever?” The words rushed from his mouth in a fiery rage as he stood, towering over me.
I grabbed his hand to pull him back down. If he wanted to know the truth, he’d get it today. I wouldn’t do this again. It was now or never. “Jase, you have to stop overreacting. You wanted to know what’s going on—I’m trying to tell you, but you have to listen. I can’t change the past and I can’t fix any of this. I can only try to help the doctors manage it.”
He sat back down, his jaw clenched. I knew he’d be mad at me. The man loves her, and I’m the woman who has caused irreparable damage in her life.
“After the first few visits, when we finally found out what it was we were dealing with, those visits were covered by Medicaid. They prescribed a couple of heavy antibiotics for almost a month and told me she’d be fine. I took them at their word.
“Toward the end of the antibiotics, I started to see exactly what you see now. Flu-like symptoms, lethargy, fever…overall a very sick baby. I raced her back to the doctor’s office with two other toddlers in tow. Things started to spiral out of control from that visit on. She’d had a herx. As the antibiotics prescribed to treat the Lyme worked, they pushed the toxins into her bloodstream, and her little body couldn’t process them out fast enough—hence the illness and all the symptoms surrounding it. It’s a horrible detoxification process for an adult, but a child can’t communicate any of it.”
“Okay, so you’ve been here before…how do you treat it?”
“That’s just it. It’s different for every patient, and every herx is different from the last. She’s been too young to tell me what works and doesn’t, so I’ve had to work by trial and error. She’s just now reaching an age where she can tell me she’s feeling bad and give me an idea of the symptoms she’s having so we could try to stave off the side effects with herbal treatments, proteins, etcetera, but she won’t tell me anything.” My voice cracked.
“Why not?” Jase was incensed, and he was about to be pissed off.
My lips pursed as I chewed on the bottom one before answering him. “Because she knows I can’t pay the doctor and don’t have any money.”
His silence bothered me more than the accusation I assumed was coming. He was judging and that hurt. I knew it would happen. I knew the moment he found out what a horrible mother I’d been to her as a baby and continued to be, he’d cast me aside. It stung, but maybe it was for the best. Removing the temptation of Jase Lane would remove the desire.
“Explain to me, Gianna, why, when you have resources available to you, you haven’t used them. I need to understand that.” He bit out every word, desperate not to raise his voice, but the accusation was there.
“I don’t have the resources you do, Jase. You obviously haven’t been listening. Once she was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme, doctors either wouldn’t touch her, knowing they wouldn’t get paid because the insurance company covers nothing, they didn’t believe it was a disease that existed, or they couldn’t find anything that worked. Everything is considered experimental—everything! Every visit racks up hundreds, sometimes thousands in medical expenses. I’m doing the best I can!” By the end of my diatribe, the tears were flowing freely, and my voice had risen above a normal tone, but not quite to hysterical.
He stood again, staring down at me, towering over me as though he meant to intimidate me. Suddenly, with both hands on the arms of my chair, he was inches from my face and his was beet red. Through clenched teeth, he punched out the words, “My resources are your resources, Gia.”
I pushed him away, standing as close to face to face as I could with him. “No, Jase. Your resources are yours. We aren’t a couple. We aren’t together. You own the company I work for. You’re my friend. But I’m not that girl. I refuse to become her. I will not be the girl your friends are referring to when they talk about women looking at men as paychecks. Emmy is my responsibility, and I will take care of her the best way I can. Why do you think I sold my soul to your friends? You think I wanted to be a high-class call girl? Do you think that appeals to me in any way, shape, or form? If so, you’re sorely mistaken! I never envisioned this in my life. I didn’t make the choices that led me here, Jase, but I’ve come out of worse and I’ll get out of this, but it won’t be by asking for handouts!” I was fuming. My arms remained stiff at my sides, my hands balled into tight fists.
“That is the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard you say. This isn’t about your pride, Gianna. This is about your daughter needing medical care. Have you seen the pain she’s in?” The way he looked at me, the way he regarded me in his tone was more I than I could handle.
Out of nowhere, my hand flew across his cheek. The sound reverberated throughout the room, bouncing off the walls. It was a crack of noise I’d never forget.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I left the room. I had no idea where I was going or how I’d get there. My kids were asleep, and I had no car, so leaving wasn’t really an option, but wandering around his enormous house, trying to find a place of solitude, didn’t appeal to me, either. Taking the stairs two at a time, the only thought I had was getting out of his presence. Desperate for a place to break down alone, I ran through the front door and into the street.
The night air was cool and crisp, unusual for this time of year. I didn’t have a jacket, but the brisk pace kept the chill from setting in. Wandering the streets of his neighborhood, which were illuminated by lamps overhead, I crossed over every detail of the last two years in my mind. I’d done this before. I’d rummage through those memories, played back what I should have done, how things would have been different, but in the end, nothing changed. I still had a sick daughter with a disease I couldn’t cure, and neither could anyone else. I’d probably never come to terms with that, but sometimes, allowing myself to remember helped remind me of where I didn’t want to go—ever again. I’d never be complacent in her recovery. I’d do what I had to do. The fact that Jase couldn’t see my concessions, my sacrifices, didn’t mean they weren’t real—it simply meant he didn’t know. But I didn’t answer to Jase Lane.
I didn’t know how long I was gone or how far I’d
walked, but when I went back to his house, the front porch light was on, the foyer was illuminated, but the rest of the house was dark as Egypt. He hadn’t waited up. There was no concern for my well-being. Jase had gone to bed and left me to fend for myself. It was a position I was accustomed to being in, and one I expected when this revelation came about. Quietly, I wandered through the house until I reached the room my children were in. I peeked in to make sure they were safe and sound and found Jase sitting in the corner.
I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there like a daft cow. He got up and walked to the door, pushing me out without touching me, and closed the door behind him. With my hand in his, he escorted me through the house and down two flights of stairs. Silently, he handed me a T-shirt and a pair of his boxers. He pulled off his own shirt, leaving him in the jersey shorts that could bring any woman to her knees. I dragged myself from the room to change in the bathroom.
When I came out, the lights were off and he was in bed. He wasn’t talking to me…I didn’t know if I should get in bed with him or find another bedroom. Standing in the doorway like an idiot, my eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, and the second I moved to leave, he pulled the covers back on the opposite side of the bed. With a few steps, I was in the bed, stiff as a board, not knowing what to do. Sleep would evade me. I couldn’t stand Jase being upset with me, but I couldn’t change the past. There was nothing I could do to erase the hell Emmy had endured and continued to live with. I had to live with that guilt; I had to suffer that truth.
He turned on his side and roughly grabbed my waist. My body slid toward him effortlessly, but I remained quiet. Words escaped me. But luckily, I didn’t have to talk. As he turned me on my side and nestled my back to his chest, he squeezed one arm around my waist and pushed the other under my head. I waited, wondering where he was going with this. He reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear before pulling me in tighter.
Fallen Woman Page 15
