While we waited, I called Jase.
“Hey, babe. Why didn’t you call me last night? I waited up for you.”
“I need you to come to The Village, now.” I didn’t offer an explanation and he didn’t ask for one.
“I’m on my way.”
Shortly after, the ambulance arrived and took Pearl to Memorial Hospital. It pained me to send her alone, but I couldn’t leave four kids behind, and they couldn’t ride, so there was no other option. I knew Jase would take me the moment he got here, so I scurried the kids along to get dressed. They were all terrified, not understanding what was going on. I did my best to calm their fears, but the truth was I was scared, too. We met Jase in the parking lot; Emmy immediately reached up for him. He grabbed her and started firing questions at me as we all piled in his SUV.
“I don’t know, Jase. I got there, the kids were crying, and she was in a heap in the kitchen. I don’t know how long she’d been that way, but she was still breathing and had a faint pulse.”
“I’m sure she’s fine.” The deception in his voice was clear, but I knew the lie was for the kids. He loved all of them and didn’t want to further upset them. Emmy didn’t want to let go of his neck but finally relented when he promised to carry her when we got to the hospital.
I dreaded going back to the place I’d just left but didn’t see any way around it. The six of us went traipsing into the emergency room—Jase toting Emmy, and the twins and Derrick holding my hands and each other. He asked for her and was told we needed to take a seat. None of us were family except Derrick, and this was going to be a nightmare.
It would have proven difficult for me; it did not, however, prove to be much of a challenge for Jase. He knew the hospital administrator and offered a donation in exchange for allowing us to accompany Miss Pearl’s only relative—a minor—Derrick, into her room. She’d been moved to a room in ICU while Jase had been pulling strings. Just as we stood up to leave the Emergency Room, the nurse who’d brought me the clothes this morning spotted me and came over. I tried to avoid her, but Megan pulled me back. “Mommy, that lady was talking to you.”
Jase stopped to turn around and wait for the nurse to catch up to us.
“Is everything okay? I didn’t expect to see you back.” And with that, Jase set Emmy down against her protesting and set his eyes on me.
“What’s she talking about, Gia?”
I turned to the nurse and quickly told her we were there to see about Derrick’s grandmother. Her face blushed crimson red, and she knew she’d just outed me. With Jase behind me, I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and thanked her for her concern while she quickly turned on her heel and trotted off.
Facing Jase, the stormy gray clouded his eyes, and I knew there was no escaping this, but I’d be damn sure we wouldn’t do it in front of my kids. “Not now, Jase. Miss Pearl first. Then you and I can talk.”
He nodded curtly, unhappy with my answer but accepting our current limitations with four pairs of little ears around us. Emmy climbed back up his body and Derrick claimed his free hand. With the twins on opposite sides of me, the six of us went to the ICU where we were met with more red tape. Jase was able to get Derrick admitted to see his grandmother, but my kids weren’t allowed back no matter how large a donation he made. With Emmy’s illness, and the other two being four, the risk to the patients was too great, and the administration was adamant.
We’d been there most of the day when Jase finally got Derrick back to see his grandmother, but before he left me, he pulled me aside. “Gia, baby, you need to understand, the only reason they’re letting him back is to say goodbye.”
I was dumbfounded. I knew she wasn’t in good health, but they couldn’t know already what was wrong or that she wasn’t going to make it. There was no way. “You don’t know that, Jase.” I refused to believe anything he was saying. It hadn’t been long enough for anyone to make that determination.
He cupped my cheek in his hand and slid it back to clutch my neck. The warmth of his thumb lingered just in front of my ear. His lips met my forehead before he pulled back and met me eye for eye. “Be prepared. It’s coming.”
There was no time to respond. He took Derrick’s hand, and together, they walked back to say goodbye to Miss Pearl. I refused to believe we wouldn’t see her out of that bed or that room. She would be home again, cooking for us, making cookies with the kids. There’s no way she’d leave Derrick to fend for himself, and she’d said herself his mama wasn’t right anymore—she couldn’t take care of him. Miss Pearl wouldn’t abandon him. Or us.
We needed her.
I needed her.
Jase and Derrick weren’t allowed to stay long and rejoined us in the waiting room. No sooner had they sat down than Emmy took up residency in Jase’s lap, and Derrick found a home in the chair next to him. The twins were looking at children’s books left in the waiting room. With nothing else to do, nowhere to turn, and no clue how to respond to the situation, I reached for Jase’s hand.
He clutched mine tightly, offering me a bit of comfort in an agonizing situation. My mind spun out of control—Holland, Miss Pearl, Emmy. It was overwhelming and threatened to be more than I could bear. “I’ve got you, love.” A gentle squeeze of my hand and a kiss on the temple assured me I wasn’t alone…even though I’d never felt more empty.
Jase made a desperate move and called Allison to ask her to come get the kids. He paid her handsomely to help us out and take them to her house, get them some clothes, bathed, and in bed. He asked her to bring them back in the morning, but they couldn’t stay here. I refused to leave Miss Pearl. Jase refused to leave me.
Emmy squalled like someone had torn her arm off when Jase put her in the car with Allison. She may not have known exactly what was going on, but she knew something wasn’t right and she was scared. I couldn’t make myself send Derrick. He needed to be here if he wanted to be, but I was surprised when he asked if he could stay with Trace. Jase handed Allison his company credit card and told her to take care of what she needed to and not worry about going in tomorrow. She nodded a silent understanding. I didn’t know what he’d told her, but whatever it was, I was grateful she was around to help out. I didn’t know her more than in passing, but I knew Jase trusted her, and I trusted him.
He held my hand back up to the sixth floor where he sweet-talked a nurse into letting me in to see her. I sat next to her bed for the few minutes they allowed me and talked to her about everything and nothing. More importantly, I told her everything she meant to my children and me and thanked her for loving us. And I held her hand, stroked her hair, and told her how much I loved her before I said goodbye.
She’d been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and pulmonary edema finally took her from us. At five o’clock that morning, Miss Pearl quit fighting. Jase and I had been by her side, but she’d never regained consciousness.
The pain of the last thirty-six hours was unbearable. It was too much for me to handle. As we walked out of the ICU, my knees gave out. Jase caught me before I hit the ground and gathered me in his arms. A nurse ushered him to a private room where I sat cradled in his lap for God knows how long and cried my grief into his chest. He never wavered; he never moved—that man was solid as a rock while he held me at my lowest.
~~~
My kids still didn’t really understand what it meant for Pearl to be gone. Their dad had gone away, and in their minds, death and jail were the same things. I realized in this they believed their dad would come home someday, or maybe they just thought he’d taken a trip. They didn’t understand they’d never see him again, but truthfully, I didn’t think they remembered him anyhow. As I tried to explain it to them and Derrick, I was met with confused eyes, unready to accept the meaning of never. So I quit trying, and we just dealt with the fact Miss Pearl wasn’t going to be around.
Jase had taken us all to his house and had sent someone to Pearl’s to get Derrick’s things. I wasn’t sure what his plan was. I hadn’t bothered to as
k, but it appeared, for the time being, Jase was assuming responsibility for Derrick. Just before the funeral, Derrick came down the stairs wearing the suit Allison had picked out for him and stared us down.
When he finally spoke, he did so with tears in his eyes but his face void of emotion. “My mama doesn’t love me as much as she loves needles. And my gram’ma ain’t comin’ back for me, is she?”
I knelt down in front of him in my dress, praying I didn’t put a run in the hose, but not really caring all that much if I actually did. “I can’t speak for your mama because I don’t know her, but I know your gram’ma loved you so very much. If she could be with you, she would, buddy. Every single day.”
“What happens to boys with no mama and daddy? Do I have to live by myself now?” The look on his face was indescribable—the words gut-wrenching and heartbreaking didn’t do it justice. It was an emotion I’d never seen and didn’t have a name for, and I hoped I’d never in my life see it again or be able to identify it. No child should ever face becoming an orphan, much less at four.
I couldn’t lie to him. I didn’t want to make him promises I couldn’t keep, and the truth was, “I don’t know, Derrick.”
Jase wasn’t going the honesty route. He was going to tell his little man whatever he needed to tell him to offer him security, but Jase could do that because Jase could buy him the world. He grabbed him up and set him on the counter so they were eye to eye. “Man to man. I’m not going to steer you wrong, right?”
Derrick nodded with uncertainty.
“What if you came to stay with me?”
“Jase…” I used his name as a plea not to make promises to him. There was so much legal crap he’d have to go through. It’s one thing to play with a kid here and there, but taking legal guardianship was quite another.
He ignored me and spoke anyhow. “Somehow, we’ll figure this out, but until then, you can stay here with me, and Gianna, and Trace, Megan, and Emmy.”
Derrick sucked his lips between his teeth and threw his suit covered arms around Jase’s neck.
My horde joined us in the kitchen not long after, all dressed for what seemed to be a continuous loop of the worst day of my life. The last five days had all run together, starting at Holland’s house and leading up to this very moment. Jase hadn’t brought the nurse back up, but once all this settled down, once we buried Miss Pearl, once we got Derrick situated and the kids and I went back home—he’d remember and he wouldn’t let it go.
The ceremony was small, just us in attendance and a pastor the funeral home provided. Miss Pearl had stopped going to church about the time I’d met her. I think her health had been failing long before I’d seen the signs. Jase had covered the expenses, so I didn’t go lavish, but it was still pretty. The flowers were sparse, but she would have thought it was excessive and a waste of money anyhow, and the casket was just a dark mahogany color with brass handles. “Amazing Grace” was played, and I’d never felt the words the way I did that day standing graveside. I’d been blessed to have her in my life for the time I’d been granted, and I knew she was in a place she no longer felt any pain.
Jase started the legal process of gaining guardianship of Derrick. He couldn’t adopt him without his mother’s consent, but since no one knew where she was, the state was more than happy to fast track the foster process for Jase. All it takes is money and a great attorney—both of which Jase had in spades.
The kids and I needed to go home. We’d been at Jase’s house too long, and they were getting way too comfortable being there. I had to return to work on Monday but had no clue what I’d do about childcare until the school year started in two weeks. That would take care of the twins, but it still left Emmy to worry about. Although, that would have to be another day’s concern—today, I had to take care of cleaning out Pearl’s apartment…a task I wasn’t looking forward to. Jase kept the kids to allow me the day to do what I needed, and the landlord had given me through the weekend to vacate the apartment so he could release it. I didn’t realize the projects were in such high demand, but I kept my thoughts to myself.
I let myself in and found everything just as it had been the day I found her on the floor. There was little I could do other than pack up her things and give them to Goodwill. I’d called them, and they were scheduled to come pick everything up at four, so I only had a few hours to determine what Derrick might want later, keep a couple things for the kids and me, and pack up or trash everything else. It was daunting, but I’d get it done. If nothing else, I’d make sure I had stuff for Derrick.
After a couple of hours in the kitchen, tossing just about everything into boxes or the trash, I’d moved to the living room. I saved the few pictures she had on display, knowing one was of her daughter, the others of her and Derrick, or Derrick and Trace. I set the blanket she always kept on the couch into the box for Derrick and then moved it to my box. I wanted him to be able to use it, to have something tangible to wrap himself up in that reminded him of her. The bathroom was just like the kitchen—boxed up for charity or trash, but mostly trash.
Her room proved to be the most difficult. Derrick’s stuff had already been removed and taken to Jase, so the only things remaining were Pearl’s, and everything I touched brought her face to mind. I missed her fiercely. My broken spirit needed her reminders and her strength. Lurking in the back of my mind, the recesses I wasn’t ready to deal with were the issues of only a few nights ago, but I got to dwell in this sorrow for now. I cried as her scent overwhelmed me. Her Bible sat on her nightstand, and as much as I wanted it, I put it in Derrick’s box. I set aside a couple pieces of her costume jewelry for the girls and ended up finding a beautiful wooden cigar box in the dresser I’d thought would be perfect for Trace—until I opened it.
Tucked neatly inside were hundreds of dollars, maybe thousands, and stationary folded neatly around the stacks of bills. I felt like I was intruding but knew there was no one else to go through any of it. I opened the paper to find her aged, shaky handwriting and a note written to me.
Gianna,
If you’re reading this, then I have left you, something I never wanted to do but it was inevitable. I prayed for you long before you came, although I never shared that with you. I had been diagnosed with heart problems and knew Trina wouldn’t be around for Derrick. God brought you, and then Jase, to care for my baby. He needs you both, and I know in my heart, you’ll find a way to take care of him after I’m gone.
Sweet girl, you’re exactly what I wished for my Trina to be, and I hope someday she’ll realize how foolhardy she’s been, but I’m not sure that day will ever come. You have a light, a gift, a spirit that calls to people. You’re a beautiful soul, and God has amazing plans for you. I know you’re hurting child, I know you’re scared, but allow Him to show you what He has destined for you. I promise it’s more glorious than anything you could ever dream on your own.
Keep Jase close. He’s a good man…and Gianna, he loves you. He loves you the way you want to be loved. Let him show you.
As for the money you continued to leave for me, it’s all here, a little safety net of sorts. I wish I’d had more to give you, but I offered in my life the greatest gifts I could—my time and most importantly, my love. You were like a daughter to me, and I treasure the time I had with you and your children.
Don’t shed tears over my departure; we’ll meet again in the light of the Father, and I promise until then I’ll be rejoicing in His name and basking in His glory. I need for you to find a way to do the same.
With all the love my heart can muster, until we meet again on the other side of eternity, I love you!
Mama Pearl
I couldn’t breathe. My chest ached, my heart beat too fast. God, how I missed her, and it’d only been a few days. I wouldn’t be able to stand to be without her for the rest of my life. It was agony. I didn’t want her beautiful words or the money; I wanted the woman I loved to walk through the door and chastise me for worrying. I wanted her to smack my hand for snoo
ping through her things. I wanted to hear her call me “girl” or say “ya hear” one more time. I desperately needed more time with her. What I’d gotten hadn’t been enough. Selfishly, I wanted more. Not just one more day, or one more year—I wanted a lifetime with her…to rewrite history so I’d met her sooner and kept her longer, had her at my wedding, the births of my children. I needed her to read more of my story, but no matter how angry I was or how much I pleaded with the God she worshiped…she wasn’t coming back. Miss Pearl was gone, and all these things were just that…mementos of her life.
But nothing compared to who she was.
Chapter Twelve
Jase didn’t give me any reprieve. He was adamant he didn’t want me or the kids in The Village any longer and insisted I start looking for another place to live. He didn’t want to accept that it wasn’t finding another place to live that was an issue—it was paying for it. I had never admitted the depth of the debt, and I was afraid to commit to anything more than I was paying until I was more secure. I needed a car, I wanted to have money in savings, and the medical bills paid off, but every time I got close to having one thing taken care of, something else hit.
We were debating for at least the hundredth time why it wasn’t the right time to leave The Village.
“I’m starting to think it’s just you being nostalgic, Gia.”
I rolled my eyes at that idiotic notion. “You’re kidding me, right?” We were walking back from the park with the kids. It was the first day in ages I’d seen Emmy acting like Emmy. The twins were amped up for their fifth birthday tomorrow, and everyone was excited they were starting kindergarten and Emmy was starting preschool. This was a huge step for me, but Jase didn’t see it as such.
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