“I can’t figure out why you won’t leave.”
“I have to be able to pay for a new place, Jase.” I pointed over to the mailbox. “Let me stop and grab the mail on our way in.”
“You can pay for it, and if you can’t, tell me what you need and I’ll make sure you get it.”
We’d been down this road countless times, too. He either wanted to give me money outright to get me away from here, or he wanted to raise my salary to say I’d done it on my own. He didn’t comprehend my reasons for not wanting handouts, and I’d started to question them myself.
I unlocked the mailbox and pulled out a stack of envelopes. I handed it to Jase to hold while I pried a large catalog from the confines of the metal compartment. “I’m not taking anything else from you.”
“You haven’t taken anything. So let me do this.”
Once I’d freed the magazine, I passed that over my shoulder too before closing the door to lock it back. “You paid for Miss Pearl’s funeral.”
“That wasn’t for…” His voice trailed off, and I turned to look at him to see what had caught his attention. In his hand was an envelope, a bill from Memorial Hospital. It dawned on me what was in it as realization flooded him as well. “You never told me why you were at the hospital the day she was taken in by ambulance.” He stopped walking and waited for me to respond.
“This isn’t the time or the place.”
“When is?”
“Not in a parking lot and not where the kids are in earshot. It’s not a big deal, Jase.” I had decided definitively after losing Pearl, I didn’t want to pursue pressing charges. I didn’t know what happened that night, and I hadn’t talked to Holland since. What I remembered was feeling warm and not rejecting his advances, even though I didn’t remember him making any. That wasn’t enough for me to accuse him of something that detrimental. I knew something happened, but I couldn’t say by whom or what it was, and I wasn’t willing to destroy anyone over that.
“If it’s not a big deal, you wouldn’t need the kids to be away, and it wouldn’t matter if we were in a parking lot or a church. You’re hiding something, and whatever it is, you’re afraid of my response.”
I tugged his arm, pulling him toward the apartment. As we walked in the door, he threw the mail down on the counter and asked the kids if they wanted to go home with him and Derrick. With a resounding yes, they all scrambled to get clothes for bed and tomorrow.
“Jase. You can’t do that!”
He chuckled, but it wasn’t really because he was humored. “Sure I can. You won’t say no and neither will they. This way you get what you want—they’ll be occupied and out of earshot, and I get what I want—answers.”
He picked up the bill and folded it in half before sticking it in his pocket. I cringed, wondering what his motivation was.
“One way or another, Gianna, you and I are discussing this tonight.”
True to his word, we stopped and got dinner, fed the kids, bathed them all, and got them in bed. He started to take me to the man cave, but I refused. “I can’t do this in there, Jase. I’m sorry.”
“Okay, my room?”
Even though Jase and I weren’t a couple—we’d never shared any intimate exchange—we always shared a bed. There wasn’t a night I had stayed with him he hadn’t held me all night, but he’d never made a move for more—never taken it beyond platonic. His room was safe. I felt comfortable there, but more importantly, I felt loved. I worried what emotion would come out when I told him what little I knew.
He shut things down for the night, made sure all the doors were locked and the lights were off. Then he led me by the hand down the stairs to his room. He tossed me a pair of boxers and one of his old college T-shirts. Jase changed in his room while I went to the bathroom—we had our version of a nightly routine, as odd as that was. My spot was open on the bed when I emerged, and I climbed in next to him, but for the first time, he didn’t let me pass him to reach the other side. He sat against the headboard and tugged me between his legs—my back to his chest. The envelope sat on his nightstand in plain view. It was a statement.
He pulled his knees up, creating a lounge chair type environment for my body. I settled in with my arms around his legs and waited for him to start the conversation…which didn’t take long.
“What happened the last night you went out with Holland? Twice now you’ve gone out with him and didn’t call me afterward. You always call me after you go out with Drake or Max—so why not with him?” When I didn’t respond immediately, he followed his questions up. “Something tells me the truth lies in the envelope, but I’d rather hear it from you than read it on a piece of paper.”
“Can you promise me to stay calm and not jump to conclusions?”
He laced his fingers through mine and pulled my hands across my chest, hugging me from behind. “Absolutely not. I realize I’m protective, Gia, but it’s only because I care. And my friends can be buffoons. You’re my best friend, and if anything happened to you, I wouldn’t take it well. At all.”
I laughed. “Did you really just say that? Buffoons?”
“I did. We both know it’s true, so start talking.”
“Honestly, Jase, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what happened.” It was the truth, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.
“What do you mean you don’t know what happened?”
“I mean I don’t know what happened.” I took a deep breath, knowing I was about to destroy a relationship between lifelong friends, and I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t think of anything to tell him that he’d believe.
“Then why were you in the hospital?”
Releasing his hands, I rubbed my eyes and then my temples, trying to relieve some of the tension, but it was useless. The longer I dragged this out, the worse it’d get. Part of me wanted to see his face, to be able to judge his reaction, but another part of me knew I needed to be in front of him to prevent him from going off the deep end. If he had to move me, I might’ve been able to rationalize things with him.
“Sometime today, Gianna.”
He wouldn’t wait much longer without getting angry, but I couldn’t say I would’ve had much patience if I thought someone or something had hurt him, either. “Holland and I went to dinner that night. That much you know.”
“Right.”
“After, he said he needed to stop by his house. We did, and he took me into his study. It appeared we’d gone to get the money he was going to pay me. He handed me the cash, and we stood there talking about Emmy. I didn’t know what you had told him, so I kind of talked in circles, not really saying much but still giving him a piece of what he wanted to know.”
His hands stroked the sides of my arms, reassuring me, caring for me. In some weird way, he was trying to calm me, comfort me.
“While we were talking, he started to pour us both a glass of wine. He handed me one while I spoke, and I sipped it as the conversation continued. I know I was drinking it slowly so I didn’t get drunk or buzzed, but Jase…I didn’t even have a full glass. I don’t think I had half a glass and my head started swimming and things got fuzzy. My entire body felt heavy, and I could barely move.”
The fingers on my arms stilled and dropped to the mattress. I felt him shift behind me as he sat up straighter and maneuvered my body. “Look at me, babe.” I shook my head unwilling to meet his stare. “Baby…I need to see your eyes when you continue.” He tilted my chin up, forcing me to look into the storm brewing. He knew, but he was going to make me say it. Somehow, he’d repositioned me, still between his legs, but facing him with my knees drawn into my chest and his still on the outsides of me. His enormous paws clutched my sides, keeping me within arm’s reach.
My teeth dragged across my top lip as I bit it, wondering how I could phrase the rest without sending him into a fit of rage. “I remember him sliding off the couch and kneeling between my legs. And then, he hooked his hands behind my knees to drag my body closer to him…but I don’
t remember anything after that.”
Jase’s eyes were a strange gray color. I’d always loved them from the first time I’d seen him, but tonight, I watched them change colors like storm clouds rolling in, the sky darkening, and lightening crashing through the irises. The electricity, the anger…it radiated off him, but he clenched his jaw and held his tongue. I still hadn’t answered his question, and we both knew it. The scar above his brow seemed to glow as the rest of his skin darkened with suppressed rage.
A low rumble began in his throat, and I could feel the vibrations through every part of me still touching him. “Why were you in the hospital?” It was the last time he’d ask before he went for the letter. I knew him; he was done playing games. I couldn’t hold him back.
“I woke up at home, in my bed, fully clothed…the next morning.” The lump in my throat made it hard to speak, and my voice was muffled to a mere whisper. “Every part of my body hurt like I’d been on the roughest bender ever. I got up to use the restroom, and it hurt to pee. There were marks all over my body.” I didn’t go into details—he could use his imagination. “I put the clothes back on and went to the hospital and asked them to do a rape kit.” I wasn’t sure he even heard that last sentence it was so softly spoken. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like all my confessions to Jase made me look weak and lacking in character.
“And you found Pearl when you came home to get the kids?”
Chewing on my lip, I nodded confirmation.
He got up abruptly, almost knocking me off the bed. I watched as he paced—no, stalked—around the room, pulling his hair and muttering to himself. Just as I thought he was about to speak, he roared the most guttural sound I’d ever heard and landed a fist through the drywall in his room. I cringed, but he wasn’t done. The other hand slid across the dresser, knocking everything on the floor. With my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, I pulled myself into the smallest ball I could manage and started rocking, hoping it would end sooner rather than later.
The moment he caught sight of me through his rage, he stilled. His chest heaved from exertion, and the scratches on his arms were tinted with drops of blood. I knew he’d react this way—that’s why I hadn’t wanted to tell him. I couldn’t prove anything. It was all speculation.
In three quick steps, he was on me, tugging me to him, cradling me in his arms. “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I promised you’d be safe with them, and you’ve been mugged and…” His voice dropped off, unable to speak the word. I didn’t need him to. “Are you pressing charges?”
I shook my head. “I don’t remember what happened, Jase.” I let out a deep sigh. Not wanting to admit more, but I knew I had to. It wasn’t fair for Holland to take all the blame when I was at fault. “After he gave me the wine, I remember thinking he was a good-looking man. I remember thinking if I’d met him before I’d met you, I could’ve fallen for him, but you ruined anything that could have been. But it’s possible I didn’t stop his advances.” I was mortified by my admission and still hadn’t told him the worst part. “For all I know, I encouraged them. It’s been years since a man’s touched me. I’m lonely, Jase, and I don’t remember telling him no.”
“Do you remember telling him yes?” His voice was unrecognizable. Gone was that smooth drawl that could lull me to sleep at night, and it was replaced by a smug irritation.
“No. I didn’t take my clothes off.”
“Is there anything else you can tell me?”
I stared at the bed and picked at a pill.
“Gia?” The sadness in his voice broke my heart.
“There were traces of Rohypnol in my urine when I went to the hospital.”
“The date rape drug?”
I couldn’t meet his face. I knew I’d caused this. I’d led him to believe it was okay. I’d accepted a large sum of money once before, and I’d done so that night as well, even if I hadn’t been aware of it.
“Jase, I have to be completely honest with you, so you have all the information before you make a judgment call about any of this.”
“Just tell me—I don’t think I can take much more. When was the last time you talked to Holland?”
“That night. He hasn’t contacted me since.” I risked looking into the eyes of the man I loved, even if he wasn’t aware of my feelings for him. I owed him the respect of eye contact when I told him what I’d done. “Several months ago, Holland and I went out. I don’t remember which function it was. We’d been drinking heavily and dancing. He ended up calling someone to drive us home.” I had to get through this quickly. “He told me you’d never be interested in me and essentially offered himself as an alternative. I was drunk, and when he touched me, it felt good. A little petting turned into me hearing his zipper come down.”
He cringed, but I refused to move my line of sight. If he pulled away, so be it, but I was woman enough to own up to my end of this.
“Before I knew it, I’d gone down on him.” I was repulsed, but it was honest.
“Was that the first night you didn’t call me after going out with him?”
“Yeah. When I got home, and he left, I realized he’d given me a couple hundred extra dollars and knew I’d crossed the line I had promised myself I wouldn’t cross. I threw up, showered, scrubbed my body, and then passed out. I couldn’t bear to call you knowing what I’d done in a drunken state. It shouldn’t have mattered that I wanted attention. I didn’t want it from Holland, but he has this uncanny way of telling me my feelings aren’t returned by you, but he can offer me the same life. In some weird way, maybe I felt like I owed it to him.”
“You sucked Holland’s dick?”
I nodded my confirmation.
“Drunk?”
Again, I confirmed.
“Is that it?”
I wagged my head no. “When I got on the bus the morning I went to the hospital, I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. They were the same slacks I’d worn to dinner, but when I’d gone to dinner there hadn’t been twenty-five hundred dollars in them.”
“So he decided you were his personal whore?”
Hearing that word from his mouth in reference to me shattered what little resolve I clung to. The tears pricked my eyes, and with one final blink, my lids sent the pain cascading down my cheeks. I shrugged, unsure of how to best respond to his statement, and then I waited. He didn’t move, his eyes didn’t twitch, he was stock-still. I glanced away, unable to bear the weight of his disappointment when I felt a tear land on my forearm. Casting my eyes to my best friend, I watched him wipe away the evidence of his torment.
“He knew how I felt about you, Gia.” The hushed words almost didn’t register as an admission. They were laced with guilt surrounded by sorrow.
~~~
I was utterly confused. “Knew how you felt about what?”
“Holland and I talk about everything. He knew about you the day I saw you dancing in the lobby. He knew when I took you Band-Aids for your feet. He made fun of me for falling for someone I’d never really had a conversation with. He. Knew. How I felt about you.”
“I’m not following you, Jase. I’m sorry.”
“Holland knew I loved you. He knew every secret I’d never told you. I confessed to him wanting to date you, wanting to lavish you with attention. He told me to play it cool, and then when he met you, he reiterated that sentiment. Told me the best way to handle the situation was to get to know you, get close to you, befriend you and gain your trust. I’ve spent the last year making sure I knew your favorite color, the way your kids like their pizza, talking about anything and everything with you, sleeping with you without touching you because he convinced me that’s what you needed to love someone again!” What had started off as a quiet confession turned into an angry snarl—not at me, but in realization of the game Holland had played with both of us. “For him to tell you I’d never return your feelings was a blatant lie. He knew, Gia! He fucking knew—he knows I love you!”
I didn’t know wha
t to do with that information. I was stuck on the fact that Jase Lane had said he loved me, as in he has for some time and his friends knew, but no one told me. It wasn’t the appropriate time, but I didn’t care—nothing else seemed to matter. “You love me?”
The storm in his eyes softened; the hardness in his expression drifted away. The chaos on the floor and the hole in the wall seemed to vanish when he cupped my face in his hands. “God, Gia. How could you not know, baby? You and those kids are my entire world.”
Tears continued to stream down my face as I shrugged. “I’m not good enough for you. Guys like you don’t fall for girls like me.”
“That’s because someone else snatches you up before we meet you, not because you’re not worthy! Holy hell, Gianna…are you kidding me? Everything about you is perfection. You’re gorgeous, an amazing mother, generous to a fault, and you’re always more concerned with other people than yourself. You’ve had countless opportunities to take large sums of money from my friends and me, yet you’ve turned down every chance. I’ve begged you to let me help you, but you flat out refused. You’re brilliant, a hard worker, and I love spending time with you. What else could there be?”
On the tail end of one of the worst nights of my life, and there had been some real doozies, Jase chose now to confess. He brushed his thumbs against my cheekbones, attempting to rid my face of tears.
“Please tell me you love me, too.”
I nodded eagerly. “I do. God, I do.”
His gaze fell from my green eyes to my lips, just as my tongue snaked out to moisten them. His face inched toward mine and hesitated, but I closed my eyes in anticipation and was rewarded with the supple warmth of his mouth against mine. His tongue swept across the slit between my lips, encouraging me to open for him. I melted into this kiss as our tongues danced together, and I was filled with a warmth I hadn’t known since Ryan—although, this one felt different. It was claiming ownership, marking territory, announcing I belonged…to Jase.
Fallen Woman Page 18
