Sitting up, I rolled my neck from side to side and stretched my arms high above my head. I had no idea what time it was, but when I noticed Jack asleep in his bed beside me, my breath hitched. Memories came flooding back. I’d told him. I’d told him everything. Well, not everything but enough for him to get the picture and never want to come near me again. Surely, after everything I’d said he was already planning his escape route. Dropping my face in my hands, I wished I could undo the last twenty-four hours. I don’t know what possessed me to blurt it all out, but once I started, I just couldn’t seem to stop. Thank God, he was asleep right now. He didn’t need to witness my freak out. And I didn’t need to see the sad, pitiful, and more than likely look of disgust on his face when he saw me.
Finding my feet, I shuffled over to the bedside table and gulped down the water there. Even though it tasted horrible—I still hadn’t adjusted to the taste of bore water—it felt so good sliding down my parched throat, I couldn’t complain. As I went to set the glass down as quietly as possible, Jack’s phone lit up. It was just before three in the morning, no wonder I was so tired and my head pounding, but when I saw the message, the water I’d just swallowed threatened to come back up. Thank fuck I hadn’t bothered with dinner.
Covering my mouth to muffle my gasp, I couldn’t help it. With trembling fingers, I reached out and pressed the power button, hoping I was wrong. I had to be. This couldn’t be real. Jack wouldn’t do that to me. He’s not like that. Like them. At least, right up to that moment I believed he wasn’t. As it lit up, bile filled my mouth and I was forced to choke it back down. It was real. His phone was full of messages. Messages about me. Not just texts either. Photos and videos.
I didn’t know what to do.
I was frozen where I stood.
My hands trembled. Glancing at him, he shifted in his sleep, hugging his pillow even tighter. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he’d betray me like this. When his phone vibrated in my hand, I almost dropped it to the floor. As the still image became clear, I wished I had. I knew exactly what this was. I’d lived through it once. I had absolutely no desire to relive it again. It was me, with a gash on my forehead, my arms being held behind my back, tears streaming down my face as I sobbed and begged for them to stop. I offered them everything I had if they’d just change their minds. I remembered their maniacal laughter, their cruel taunts, and the nasty comments tossed in my direction.
Feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, as quietly as I possibly could, I set Jack’s phone down and slipped out of his room. I don’t know why the videos were being sent to him, I don’t even know who was sending them, but I had no intention of being there when he watched them.
The house was silent as I slipped out the back door and into the night. The moment I did, I regretted not stealing a jacket, it was freezing out here. With no protection from the elements, I wrapped my arms around myself and headed down the driveway. It was only a ten-minute drive, so I had no doubt I could just as easily walk that far. Maybe even jog a little. The cold air bit the tips of my ears and my eyes watered as the wind whipped around me. Fortifying myself, I put my head down and picked up the pace. I just wanted to get home. Home to my own bed. If I was lucky, I’d get a few hours of peace before having to face it all again.
Half an hour later, my even my bones were cold and my head felt like it was going to explode. I’m not sure if it was sleep, the lack of food, or the very heavy thoughts bouncing around in my head, but it wasn’t much fun. Around me the world was silent. Well, silent except for the wind whipping the trees about, rattling their branches. Off to my left the sky lit up magnificently. Or terrifyingly. A storm was rolling in and I was directly in its path. Breaking into a jog, all I could do was move my ass and hope I arrived before it did.
Almost.
So damn close.
I’d just rounded the corner and put my foot onto our driveway when the heavens opened, and the rain bucketed down. By now I was so cold, I barely even noticed the fat rain drops that landed on my cheeks. Somehow, as I stepped onto the veranda, I felt more miserable.
“Holly!”
I almost shit myself. Literally.
“Mum…what…what are you doing awake? What time is it?” It wasn’t dawn yet, not even close.
Not only was I surprised she was awake, but I couldn’t recall ever seeing her looking so…so…normal. Her hair was messy, eyes red-rimmed. She had both hands clutching onto her mug of what must be the world’s strongest coffee based off the smell. She had a thick purple robe wrapped around her and matching slippers. She looked like…well, she looked like a mum. For the first time in as long as I could remember, she not only looked like a mum but she looked like my mum. I couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to. I threw myself at her, not even caring that I was dripping wet or she was cradling her coffee.
The moment I was in her arms, I fell apart. I don’t know if it was Mum being there, if it was the fact I was unable to hold it together a moment longer, or if I just felt safe. Whatever it was, I was okay.
“Shh, sweetheart. You’ll be okay,” she repeated over and over again as she stroked my hair.
There was so much I wanted to say but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t have the words. There were no words. At least not that I could use to form coherent sentences. Instead I just burrowed in as close as I could and held tight.
The thunder cracked overhead…it was time to move this reunion inside. The rain had changed direction and was coming in sideways now, even under the awning we weren’t out of reach. Reluctantly, I pulled back from Mum, noticing the wet patch on her chest. What was left of her coffee had been splashed between us and neither of us had even cared.
“Let’s get you cleaned up. If you stay in those wet clothes, you’ll get sick.” The moment she said it I realised how cold I was. A shiver went down my spine, leaving me covered in goose bumps. As quickly as she could, Mum ushered me inside and up the stairs.
After a long, hot shower I felt half human again. At least physically. Emotionally, I was too tired to deal with anything. Snuggling down under the covers, I let my heavy eyelids close and prayed for sleep to carry me away. Just when I was on the verge of drifting off, the bed sank beside me and a set of soft lips kissed my forehead.
“Get some sleep, Holly. When we get up, you and I are heading to Melbourne for a couple of days.”
“Mmmkay,” I mumbled as I wriggled back into the warmth and safety of Ryan’s awaiting arms.
***
We’d been driving forever. At least it felt like we had. Ryan drove like a maniac and his taste in music was bullshit. It was all the bloody same. And god forbid he stumbled on a song that was his absolute favourite—then he had to put it on repeat. For the next fucking twenty minutes. Not to mention his music was older than Mum and Dad.
“So, tell me again why we’re going away?”
“I have some shit to take care of. And you, my favourite little sister, I’m guessing you could use a minute to think.”
I didn’t reply. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t entirely convinced that taking a time out to think things through would make it better, not worse. Thinking about it at all made me want to vomit.
“Can we stop soon?” I needed to pee. And oh my god, I needed chocolate. When I’d eventually woken up, I wished I hadn’t. Waking up alone, I reached up and touched the sheets beside me. They were still warm. Ryan hadn’t been gone long. It took a minute for me to figure it out, but I got there. Eventually. There was a loud argument going on downstairs, and after a few well-chosen words, I knew I was the cause. Again. I was so sick of it. I was over them all fighting and bitching about me. I was causing all of this. All this bullshit was because of me. Part of me wanted to pull up my big girl panties, stomp down the stairs dragging my suitcase, and ask for them to take me back to boarding school. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking hated that place. It nearly killed me once and I couldn’t promise it wouldn’t try again. But it had to be better than this. It ha
d to be worth it. What I was putting my family through, how they were suffering because of me, it wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair to any of them. They deserved better. If going back meant facing those assholes again, I could give them that, then that’s what needed to happen.
“Sure. I think there’s a servo just up ahead. That do?”
I hated Ryan’s measured response. I hated that he was afraid to be himself around me. It made me even more certain that going back was the right thing to do. I wasn’t dumb though. Telling him here, now, like this, wasn’t an option. All I’d do would set myself up for an argument. One I’d undoubtedly have to have half a dozen or more times. Nah, I’d wait. Pick my battles.
Our stop wasn’t long. Just enough for me to grab a stash of chocolate that would put Willy Wonka to shame and Ryan to top up the tank. Once we were back in the car and I’d inhaled my first chocolate bar, I found the courage to ask. “So, are you going to tell me what the point of this trip is?”
“Sorry?”
“You heard me. Why are we going to Melbourne? And I want the truth. Not the bullshit answer you told the others.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ryan smirked, that adorable smirk I’m sure girls would find sexy as hell. To me though, it was just annoying.
“Fuck off you don’t. Spill.”
“Fine. You want the truth? I need to go see a few guys about some work. I want to move down here for a bit and figure some shit out. Everyone else seems to have their lives figured out and I have no fucking clue. I don’t even know where to start. I need to try.”
“Not everyone,” I muttered miserably.
“Come on, Hol. You know what I meant. Beau and Gage will both be married and popping out babies sooner than we think…”
“Is Payton pregnant?” It just burst out. I hadn’t given much thought to being an auntie. I guess it was inevitable, just not something I’d considered. I didn’t know jack about babies, other than they screamed and shit and slept—what else did a baby do? And what the fuck did an auntie do? I sure as hell wasn’t signing up to change nappies anytime soon.
“No. At least not that I know about. It’s just kinda inevitable really.”
“I guess.”
“So, anyway. I’m thinking about moving to Melbourne for a couple of months.”
“Where would you live?”
“Do you remember Derek’s friend Zoe?”
“Yeah. I’ve spoken to her a couple of times. She seems cool.”
“She is. Anyway, she’s got a spare room and she’s happy for me to crash there for a while.”
“You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?” Wow! Even to my own ears that came out bitchy.
“We’re going to stay with her while we’re down here. Zoe’s taken a couple of days off to show us around.”
“You mean babysit me while you go plan your life without me?” I wasn’t sure where this horrible, selfish, snarky person was coming from, but her claws were out. I felt sorry for Ryan. He’d done absolutely nothing to deserve this.
Beside me, Ryan shifted behind the wheel. His fingers were wrapped around the wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white under the strain. Tension filled his whole body. Even his jaw ticked. Seeing him like this, so tightly wound, so desperate to explode reinforced why I shouldn’t be allowed to be around people. I was toxic. This is what I did to people.
I heard him clear his throat before he spoke. He struggled to keep the annoyance and disappointment from his voice. “Yeah, Holly, I’ll admit it. I do want you to spend some time with Zoe. She can help you.”
“I don’t need help!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Grow the hell up, would you? I get it. You’ve had a really shitty time lately. But we’ve bent over backwards trying to accommodate you. And what have you done? Nothing but acted like a spoilt brat! Disappearing when things get too hard or don’t go your way. Have you even stopped for a second and thought about what that does to the rest of us? What we’re going through? Fuck, Holly, you won’t even tell us what happened. All we know is it was bad. I’m not an idiot. I can string the clues together. I have some idea of what happened, but that’s all it is. An idea. A guess. And you know why? ’Cause you won’t tell me. We can’t keep going like this. Surely you get that! Don’t you? This isn’t good for you and it certainly isn’t good for me.”
“Oh.” Every single word he said was true, I knew that. Deep down in my heart, I knew it. I just didn’t want to accept it. Hearing it out loud made it hurt all over again.
“Yeah, oh! And it’s not just us. You’re yanking Jack around too. What did he ever do to you?”
“You don’t know anything about what Jack’s done!” I seethed. Bringing up Jack right now was not Ryan’s smartest move. He hadn’t asked why I’d walked home alone in the rain last night and I hadn’t shared. I wouldn’t. This was my fight, not Ryan’s. But I wouldn’t sit here and let Ryan believe Jack was perfect either.
“Fuck off, Holly! Pull your head out of your ass for two seconds and look around. Jack has done nothing but try and help you. Over and over and over again. Like the rest of us. Just for once, would it fucking kill you to show a little gratitude, and I dunno, occasionally use the word thank you?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to. Ryan had said everything that needed to be said but everyone else was afraid to. I had been a complete bitch. I was selfish and manipulative and horrible. Why they were even bothering with me, I had no idea. I wished I’d never come home. At least at boarding school I was only hurting myself, not everyone I loved. Leaning against the window, I wiped the errant tears away and adjusted my dark sunglasses over my eyes. I just needed a moment.
Ryan must have sensed the change between us. Silence crept through the car. Both of us were obviously caught up in our own thoughts. Without a word, he changed the music, and the horrible noise I’d been complaining about since we left home was replaced by Adele’s quiet, comforting, if not somewhat depressing songs.
As we sped down the freeway, the ‘Welcome to Melbourne’ sign popped up in front of us and I was surprised by the wave of anxiety that swelled inside me. What frustrated me even more, was I had no idea why I was nervous or even what I had to be worried about. I had no plans here. No commitments, no expectations.
“Holly,” Ryan’s voice was calm and steady. It scared the crap out of me. “You can’t begin to understand what we went through when the hospital called. At first, we were just stunned. Surely they had the wrong, Holly. None of us could believe that you’d do it. That you’d deliberately try to hurt yourself. Then when we got to the hospital, after the worst drive in history—I mean, can you imagine speeding towards Sydney hoping and praying we’d make it in time? That it wasn’t you? That they’d made a mistake? That you’d be okay? Then to see you, lying in that hospital bed. You looked so small. I’ll never forget it, Holly. I can never erase that image. And I want to. Fuck me, do I want to.”
“I’m sorry.” It was the truth. I hadn’t thought about what it would be like for them. When I’d swallowed those pills, I wasn’t really thinking about anything other than making it all stop. Make the pain stop. Make it hurt less. I hadn’t even thought about the pain I’d cause others. Probably because I didn’t believe anyone actually cared.
“Are you, though? I mean, are you just saying that because you think it’s what I need to hear or do you really mean it?”
Fuck, that stung! I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to punch him. Problem was, he was right. A-fucking-gain.
“I mean it. Promise. I just…I needed it to stop.”
Without saying anything, Ryan reached down and wrapped my hand with his. “I know, Holly. I know. And you’ll never have to go through anything like that ever again. I promise.”
Instantly my mind flicked back to Jack’s phone and the fact it was all starting again. “You can’t promise that.” I didn’t want Ryan or anyone making promises they couldn’t keep. They didn’t control the world, even though the
y liked to think they did. In the long run, a broken promise would hurt more than what could happen next.
“Holly. We love you and you’re going to be okay. We will get through this together. That, I can absolutely one hundred percent guarantee.”
“Thanks, Ryan.”
“Now let’s get out of this car! My ass has gone to sleep!”
“Yeah, I heard it snoring.” And like that the heaviness evaporated. A well-timed fart joke could do that.
Stepping onto the pavement, I shivered. I hadn’t thought to grab a jacket. Actually, I couldn’t even be sure I even remembered to pack clean underwear. I guess it was a mystery to all of us what was in my bag. Melbourne was supposed to have beautiful weather. Supposed to. Right now, though, Mother Nature was doing her best to prove that statement wrong. A frigid wind blasted down the narrow streets, tearing leaves from trees, whipping stray rubbish around the ground, and leaving my whole body pebbled with goose pimples.
While I was caught up in the world around me, Ryan had grabbed my bag and was at my side. “Ready?”
Was I? What exactly was I walking into? I still wasn’t sure really sure why I was even here. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad to be away from everything and everyone, I just wasn’t sure what kind of greeting I was about to get. I had baggage. More baggage than went through Heathrow airport, and I was bringing it all to Zoe’s doorstep. And she wasn’t my biggest fan.
Before I had a chance to make a run for it, Ryan led me up the steps and knocked loudly. Beyond the door I could feel the bass from the music as it pumped out and someone singing that really shouldn’t be. It was like nails on a chalkboard as it grated on my nerves.
Turning back, I looked at the empty street and took a deep breath. New people scared the crap out of me. Seriously. I’d met Zoe before and knew of her, but I didn’t know her. Of course I’d heard the stories and whispers and caught her sneaking out of Connor’s more times than he’d care to admit, but to show up on her doorstep uninvited, the unease in my stomach was making me want to hurl.
Fighting Back (Meet the McIntyres Book 3) Page 17
