“It makes complete sense, Holly. You need to stop judging yourself for it. I get it. A while ago, I was exactly where you are. I didn’t want to hurt myself, I just needed to feel something. Anything. So I cut. I cut a lot and it hurt.”
“But you’re so put together,” I objected. Zoe didn’t look like someone who was a mess. Someone who’d been where I am. Someone who’d struggled and battled her demons daily. She had her shit together. She had a life. Friends. She ran a successful business. She was gorgeous. She had everything. At least it seemed like she did.
“I am. Now. Back then, after Spencer, I was in a pretty dark place. I was spiralling so far out of control, so fast, Derek packed me up and brought me here. When he’d found me on the bathroom floor slicing my legs with a razor, he lost it. I mean, really lost his shit. That’s when he brought me to the gym. He’d heard about it and thought it could help.”
“Did it?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you’re pretty amazing.”
“Thanks. It was a lot of hard work, I’m not going to lie. And there are times when you feel like you’re going backwards faster than you can breathe, but you need to let your brothers in. Let them help you. Tell them everything.”
“Everything.”
“Everything. They can’t help if they don’t know the truth. All of it.”
Sniffing, I grabbed a napkin and wiped my nose. “They’ll lose their shit.”
“Probably. But once they do, once they punch something and swear and yell and act all macho, they’ll calm down. Then they can help.”
“I guess.”
“Trust me. I know them pretty well, some better than others, but I have no doubt Gage and Beau want to help just as much as Ryan and Connor do. Let them do this for you, Holly. Let them be there. You mightn’t be able to see it, but they need this as much as you do.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I started coughing. It was like I was choking on the words that needed to be said. How the hell was I supposed to tell my four older, overly protective brothers what had been going on? And in detail. Excruciating, embarrassing detail. They’d kill someone. They’d kill me.
A waitress in a black apron appeared by my side and refilled my water glass. After chugging it down in one go, I set it back on the table and she refilled again. Nodding my thanks, the coughing fit subsided.
Glancing at Zoe, she had this pensive look on her face. She believed everything she was preaching. I might not know the specifics about her and Spencer and what happened back then, but I’d overheard enough conversations to know it wasn’t good. It’d left some deep, jagged scars on many people, but none so deep as Zoe.
“You ready to go?”
“Yeah.” Grabbing some cash from my wallet, I quickly paid the bill. If Zoe was going to be providing counselling sessions then I could at least pick up the tab.
We stepped out of the café and disappeared amongst the crowds. I may have lived in Sydney but I wasn’t used to this. Digging my hands in my pockets, I fell in step with Zoe and let her lead me down the street. After a few blocks, my head was spinning. Not from illness this time, though. This time it was from the million and one thoughts buzzing about. They were insistent and loud. I couldn’t shut them up or turn them off. How the hell was I supposed to tell my brothers? How was I supposed to tell Beau that I’d been held down and ejaculated on? How did I tell Gage that I’d been pushed down stairs and nudged out in front of cars? How did I tell Connor that I’d had manure tipped on me, stuffed in my backpack, and dumped on my dinner? How did I tell Ryan that every time he came to visit me, the moment he left, the teasing and taunting started about me fucking him and sheep? It wasn’t the first time I’d considered telling them, but every time I’d given it any real thought I’d dismissed it just as quickly. I couldn’t do it to them. I couldn’t put them through it.
A couple of blocks later the crowds thinned out in the same moment the heavens opened and the rain came down. Melbourne’s weather was bipolar. Seriously! One minute it was beautiful, then next you wanted nothing more than to bunker down under the blankets and wish away the world. Zoe grabbed my arm and half dragged me across the street until we were sheltered under the awning.
Panting, I was surprised how much my body hurt. And where. I had aching muscles I didn’t even know I had. Zoe seemed in just as much pain. Bent over at the waist, her hands were on her knees as she sucked in deep breaths.
“You okay?” I asked, concerned. For someone who lived in a gym, something wasn’t right.
“Yeah. Just tried to run after all that food. Obviously, I ate too much.” I didn’t buy it, not for a second, but I kept quiet. It wasn’t my place to pry.
With the rain bucketing down, people scurried like ants, trying to find shelter. Somehow though, Zoe and I remained alone under the dark blue canvas awning. Turning around, I found we were cowering in front of an intimidating tattoo parlour. Hanging in the window was a mismatched collection of drawings of skulls and flowers and knives. Some were stunning, others more terrifying. Fascinated, I couldn’t drag my eyes away. On the other side of the window I could see a girl at the counter with the brightest pink coloured hair I’d ever seen. It was long on one side and on the other, from where I was standing, squinting through the glass trying to be at least a little discreet, it looked almost shaved.
“I want to go in,” I announced, shocking both of us.
“Really?”
I didn’t answer. Instead I pushed open the heavy glass door and stepped inside. The first thing I noticed was the overpowering stench of bleach. It was potent. My nose wrinkled at the smell and I could feel the migraine coming. If I hadn’t been so determined to follow through with my snap decision, I would have been back out the door and into the fresh air as quick as I could.
“Can I help you?” the pink-haired girl asked as she tapped her talon-like nails on the glass countertop. The case was filled with coloured stones and more types of jewellery than I’d seen.
“I want a tattoo.”
“Do you know what you want?” She looked bored. She had a tiny pink stone in her nose; her arms, what I could see of them, were covered in coloured ink. Usually I wasn’t a fan of such heavy work, yet for some reason, on her it just worked.
“Yeah. Here. I have a picture.” Digging my phone from my pocket, I flicked through until I found the image. I’d saved it months ago. I couldn’t even remember why I’d saved it or where I’d seen it, it was just one of those things I felt I had to do. Until we were standing outside, trying to stay dry, I hadn’t considered getting it permanently inked into my skin. Now I’d made the decision, I was shocked it’d taken so long.
“Where do you want it?”
“Here.” I showed her the inside of my wrist and I didn’t miss the wave of shock that rolled over her…she covered it quickly.
“Take a seat. I’ll see if Carter can fit you in.”
While she disappeared behind the curtain, I wandered over to Zoe, who was flicking through a book of, to be honest, freaky designs. They were dark and scary. Eyeballs rolling around in a pool of blood. A hand holding an actual heart. A sadistic, truly evil smile. I couldn’t imagine ever stamping that on my body.
“You sure about this?”
“Yeah, I really am.”
“Okay. If your brothers kick my ass, though…”
“They won’t. This is on me.”
Pushing aside the books of horrors, we settled on the fake leather lounge in the corner. My phone beeped, and I assumed it was Ryan. After all, the least he could do was check in on me. Nope. It was Connor.
Connor: Love you.
What the actual fuck? Had someone stolen his phone? Was that message meant for someone else? It sure as shit wasn’t meant for me. We weren’t the sort of family who sent these messages. And even if we were, Connor was the least likely to ever do it.
Holly: ???
I didn’t know what to say. Zoe was fiddling with her own phone when it ra
ng. “Are you all right, Holly? I need to take this.”
“Go.”
I watched as Zoe shuffled out the door, her phone pressed to her ear. Watching her pace up and down outside the window was like having a private screening into her world. She was tense and animated and more than a little entertaining.
“You wanted a tattoo?” the sexiest voice I’d ever heard asked, stealing my attention from Zoe’s drama.
Stumbling to my feet, I looked up into the most amazing eyes I’d ever seen. They were caramel in colour and so sweet they gave me a toothache. Shaking it off, I looked over the whole man standing in front of me. Oh. My. God. Talk about sex on a stick. He wore jeans and a tight white singlet. His arms were covered in dark ink, the swirling pattern started down his left wrist and wound its way up his arm before disappearing under the flimsy material of his top. It made me want to peel the singlet from his chest and trace the tattoo all the way to the end.
“Uh…um…yeah.” Very fucking classy, Holly, I scolded myself. I sounded like a bumbling idiot.
“Come on out the back and show me what you want.”
He led the way and I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his jean-clad ass. And what an ass. This guy was all sorts of delicious. It was just as shame he was too old and I was, well, I was me. Wiping my sweaty palms on my thighs, I sunk into the chair he pointed to. Handing him my phone, I watched him as he examined my image. It wasn’t complicated, and it shouldn’t be too hard. At least I didn’t think so.
“This is what you want?” he asked, pointing to the screen.
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“Just here.” I showed him the inside of my left wrist.
As he ran his thumb back and forth over my soft skin, I felt my whole body shudder. I don’t know whether it was from the nerves, which had now taken control of my body, or his electric touch.
Letting go of my hand, he scooted back on his stool, the wheels rolling over the linoleum floor, before folding his arms across his chest. If it was supposed to look serious, then he needed to hide those biceps. I mean seriously! What girl in her right mind could concentrate with the gun show he was putting on?
“Why?”
“Why what?” Huh! Was this normal? Granted, I’d never had gotten a tattoo before, and I’d never stepped foot inside a tattoo parlour, but asking someone why they wanted a specific tattoo seemed a little odd. Especially considering some of the designs I’d been checking out earlier.
“Why this one?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Why?”
“How old are you?”
Ouch! That stung a little more than it should have. “Almost seventeen.”
“So you’re sixteen.” I nodded. At least he wasn’t just a pretty face. Maybe there was a brain behind all that beauty after all. “Did you know to get a tattoo in Australia you have to be eighteen or have parental permission?”
“You’re not going to do it then?” I was pissed now. He was being a judgemental asshole and it didn’t look like he was going to help me.
“I didn’t say that.” He smiled and the most adorable dimples appeared. Like he needed dimples. He was already the hottest thing I’d ever laid eyes on, the dimples were just too much. “Explain to me why this particular tattoo.”
“I need the reminder.”
“Reminder?”
“You’d think it’s silly.” The absolute last thing in the world I needed right now was this sexy son of a bitch thinking I was nothing more than some silly school girl. I mean, I wasn’t asking for a tramp stamp or a butterfly, and I’m sure he’d done his fair share of those.
“Try me.”
“I’ve had a pretty shitty life lately. I mean, not just normal girl drama, but serious, painful bullshit. There was a point not long ago when I wanted to just give up on, well, everything, I guess. That right there, that simple picture, is the reminder to keep going. A reminder that my story isn’t over yet. That I’m the author of my own tale, so I get to choose the ending.”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see the pity on his face. Had I have known I’d be forced to spill my guts just to get the damn tattoo, I doubt I would have bothered.
I heard him shuffling about before clearing his throat. “Lie back.”
Fuck, I hated living in small towns!
Nothing was private. There was no such thing as a secret. Everyone’s dirty laundry was aired in the main street for all to see. And today, today I was the topic on everyone’s lips. Even though I’d thrown Caitlyn’s clothes at her, demanded she get dressed, and get out, it seemed every single person in the school had heard about it and was keen to share their opinions. Some thought I was an asshole for screwing Caitlyn when I was already dating, Penny—a girl I’d helped fix her car a couple of weeks ago. While I received pats on the back and jealous accolades from others who actually believed I was doing both Amber and Caitlyn at the same time. I was surrounded by sick fucks, really.
Stomping through the quad, I was pissed at the world. When I wasn’t ignoring everyone, I was trying to get a hold of Holly. She wasn’t answering my calls or returning my texts. It was really starting to grate on my nerves. I mean, I knew she was in Melbourne with Ryan, Connor had told me that much, but it was almost like she’d turned into a ghost and she wasn’t haunting me.
I shouldn’t care.
I didn’t want to.
I just couldn’t help it.
After everything she’d told me, all the secrets she’d shared, I wanted to be there for her. I needed to be.
Now, facing this bullshit of my own, I had the tiniest taste of what she’d been going through. I couldn’t imagine having everyone watching and analysing your every move day in, day out, and still being able to breathe. As it was, it was taking every bit of restraint I possessed not to punch some idiot in the mouth.
I didn’t even bother going to English. What was the point? I had no interest in facing Caitlyn and Amber. They sure as shit did not want to hear what I was thinking right now. And the rest of the school didn’t deserve to. After I managed to get Caitlyn and Amber dry and dressed, I shoved them back out the way they came.
After listening to them bitch and moan for over twenty minutes, a car appeared, one I didn’t recognise, and they were gone. It might have made me an asshole to leave them standing outside, but I couldn’t stand to look at them a moment longer. Every time Caitlyn pushed her boobs in my direction or Amber sighed, fluttering her eyelashes, trying to be sexy, I wanted to bang their heads together. Having them on the other side of the locked door was safest for all of us.
Stupidly, once they were off my property, I thought it was over. I was a moron.
Before I’d even managed to shovel down my breakfast, my phone was blowing up. Messages, missed calls, even a few Facetime attempts. I was already cranky. I’d been up since four to check on the new bulls. I also had a few other chores that I needed to take care of including the chickens in the yard. They weren’t part of the actual farm, but they were Mum’s. Whether or not she was coming back was still up in the air, but I wouldn’t let her chickens be neglected. I knew if I added it to the list of daily duties around here, someone would take care of it, yet for some reason I didn’t want to. Twenty minutes to feed them, change the water, and collect the eggs didn’t seem like a burden. Besides, the eggs I’d collected this morning had already been inhaled.
Eventually I picked up my phone to see what was causing all the drama. Caitlyn strikes again. How she did it, I still have no idea. There it was, though. A photo of her lying in my bed, most of her boobs on display, and me standing there like a fool staring at her, mouth gaping. Although I knew it was bullshit, it was obvious some people around here didn’t. Either that or they chose to believe Caitlyn’s carefully crafted lies.
The more crap I copped, the more I actually started to understand Holly’s pain. Wanting an out. Wanting a break from it all.
Feeling completely alone. After skipping English, I only had Biology to survive, and I’d be done for the day. Probably the week. The way things were going, there was no way I was even going to bother coming in tomorrow. It wasn’t worth the drama.
Stepping into Biology, I thought I was in the wrong room. It was full. Usually there were only eight or so people who showed up, part of its appeal really, but today it was filled with noisy bodies. Squeezing through the doorway, I dumped my bag at my feet and settled into a seat in the corner. At least they’d left my spot alone. I bent down to dig through my bag, trying to find a notebook and pen that worked, today was so not my day. I’d already had two pens leak through onto my hands, covering them in ink, and another give up all together. If this one didn’t work, I was done.
“So Jack, tonight…” I looked up to see an overly made up Caitlyn perched on my desk. Her lips were coated in thick, disgusting red lipstick, which had smudged onto her teeth. Her tight white shirt had one button too many undone. She was trying too hard. Way too hard. She was looking more slutty than sexy.
“Caitlyn,” I bit out her name, fighting to keep my voice steady. Silence fell across the room and I felt everyone’s eyes on me. This was fucked. “Please. Just go away.”
“Oh come on, Jack. You didn’t say that last night. I thought you’d be up for a repeat. Maybe just you and me this time?”
Was she fucking delusional? Could she not remember me throwing her skanky ass out into the storm last night? Did she really think acting like this made her any more attractive? I knew the truth. I knew nothing happened and she was full of shit, but looking around the stunned room, they didn’t know it was nothing more than Caitlyn’s overactive imagination. Clenching my fists at my sides, I felt the pop in my knuckles as I struggled to contain my rage.
When I didn’t answer, Caitlyn took it as a sign to continue. “Come on, Jack. You know we had fun together. If it’s about Holly, well, you’ve seen what she’s like. She’s nothing. She’s disgusting. The town bike. Everyone’s had their ride. At least, everyone in Sydney.”
Fighting Back (Meet the McIntyres Book 3) Page 21
