Can You Keep a Secret?

by Caroline Overington

  It’s once they start to panic that you can build up trust.

  Benjamin was struggling to free himself. I was doing what the Samanthas told me to do, saying, ‘You can fight all you want, Benjamin, but I’m in charge.’ I had to say that over and over again. I’m in charge. I’m in charge. All this fighting against me – it’s pointless, because I’m in charge, so you might as well give up. But Benjamin wasn’t struggling, not even to breathe.

  We changed tack. I was supposed to whisper, ‘I love you, Benjamin, and I want to be your mom. Let me love you, Benjamin.’

  No response. The two Samanthas were perplexed. They kept saying he would soon start panicking and vomiting, and he’d give in. The thinner Samantha kept saying, ‘You’re in your mom’s belly, Benjamin, and you need to come out. You need to let her become your mom. You need to give up fighting, and be born to your mom, and let her take care of you on the outside world.’

  In the end, though, it was me who gave up. I released the pressure on Benjamin because I could see – even if they couldn’t – that Benjamin would rather die than give in to me. He would have let himself suffocate before he would have asked for my help to breathe. I gave in when Benjamin’s eyes rolled back in his head. They took that to mean that he was close to surrender. I was pretty sure that he was close to death. Next came the strong smell of urine. I was supposed to have my eyes locked on Benjamin’s scarlet, furious face, but I looked over my shoulder and there was a wet patch over his shorts.

  He had lost control of his bladder. Before long, he’d have lost control of his bowel. He was letting go of all his bodily functions, and to me, it was obvious: he’d just as happily let go of his life.

  So I got up.

  The fatter Samantha cursed me for it.

  ‘Can’t you see what you’ve done?’ she howled. ‘Now he will be more powerful than ever!’

  I really resented her for saying that. Benjamin already has all the power over me – and I must say, it was those words that I remembered after we’d left Sam’s Happy Camp, dropped off our rig, and pulled into the driveway of our house. Benjamin had barely eaten on the road back. He should have been weak. But when Colby tried to carry him through the front door, he became like one of those lizards with suction cups, trying to connect his feet and his knees and his elbows to the door jambs, resisting all of Colby’s attempts to get him inside.

  Round and round in my head, I could hear Samantha’s voice: ‘Can’t you see what you’ve done? Now he’s more powerful than ever!’

  I also remembered what the scrawny Samantha had said, just as we were leaving.

  She’d squatted down next to Benjamin as if she was going to say goodbye, but what she actually did was take Benjamin by the chin so she could look him in the eyes, and say, ‘Do you think your parents are scared of you, Benjamin?’

  I was stunned to see him smirk – but I was absolutely floored when he answered her. Benjamin never talks! He screams. Okay, he says no, no, no, and ‘No, I won’t’ and things like that, but on this occasion, there was no screaming. He just said, ‘Yes.’

  Samantha nodded in a grim way, like she knew that would be his answer. She said, ‘And does that make you happy, Benjamin?’ And once again, he said, ‘Yes.’

  Comment (1):

  Dear Caitlin, you don’t know me but I know Sam’s Happy Camp, and had I known that you were headed there, I would have told you not to go. They are snake-oil salesmen and I heard a story about a girl who died trying to force her way out of the swaddling with the two Samanthas sitting on top of her. You’re lucky to have been thrown out, believe me.

  Comment (2):

  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, you are a warrior for your son, Caitlin. Your determination to get help for him is an inspiration to all of us. I know it’s hard but the way you keep going is amazing.

  Comment (3):

  I don’t want this to come out the wrong way but I’m so glad you gave those therapies a try because now I don’t have to! I had been thinking about attachment therapy and even holding therapy, but now I think we’ll battle on without it! Stay strong, Caitlin.

  Chapter 35

  The (Alternative) Book of Benjamin

  Well, this is it.

  The title of this post is ‘Even The Strong Sometimes Give In’.

  I have given in.

  No, really.

  I don’t actually think that I have a choice anymore. I know that sounds negative, but I have started to think about ending everything. I don’t mean the marriage. My marriage is essentially over anyway. My husband has a lover. I haven’t confronted him about it – what would be the point other than to give him an excuse to leave? – but I’m pretty sure that he knows that I know, because we now have separate rooms.

  We never communicate during the day anymore. That’s actually not a big change, because even when we first started going out he used to tell me not to call him at work because he’s so hard to catch.

  He wasn’t hard for the Other Woman to catch!

  We’ve stopped making plans for the future. What am I talking about?! We’ve stopped making plans for next week! We don’t say things like, ‘When we go on holidays …’

  We don’t think, ‘It might be nice to plan a day trip here or there …’

  We barely get through the weekends together.

  I know I shouldn’t blame Benjamin. He’s just a little boy. I should blame Colby. He’s the one having the affair. But it’s hard not to blame Benjamin when I know that he’s the reason that my husband is cheating on me. Colby wants to escape from the hell that our life has become. And since he can’t exactly get rid of Benjamin, he’s trying to get rid of me. Not that he wouldn’t get rid of Benjamin if he could. He absolutely would! He would get rid of Benjamin in a heartbeat. Don’t be shocked, but he actually told me so last night.

  ‘We can’t keep him anymore.’

  That’s what he said.

  ‘We can’t live like this. Benjamin has to go.’

  I wasn’t that shocked because, to be honest, he’s been saying things like that for several weeks. The difference is, when he started out saying them it was in a jokey voice. Like, Benjamin might have been thrashing around and he’d say, ‘I wonder if we can send him back!’

  This time it was more, ‘You really have to address this problem.’

  Notice he says ‘you’ not ‘we’.

  ‘This is your problem,’ he said. ‘You have to solve it. I can’t help anymore.’

  I told him to stop. Because really, what does he expect me to do? The fact of the matter is, we’re stuck with Benjamin. It’s not like we can take him back. I know there are some people who do that – fantasise about putting their adopted children back on the plane – but you can end up in jail. And I know there are some people who just take their adopted children to welfare and say, ‘Sorry, we made a mistake. We can’t take care of this child and you are going to have to find a foster family for them.’

  There’s also a thing called ‘re-adoption’ – where a child is adopted and it doesn’t work out, and the child has to go somewhere else. I don’t want to shock anyone, but I have considered that. I have thought that maybe the problem is me and maybe Benjamin would bond with another mum, who isn’t me, but I was never sure that I would actually be able to go through with it, and give him up.

  Then last night Colby put his cards on the table, and said, ‘I don’t think I can do this anymore, Caitlin.’

  I replied, ‘What do you mean, you don’t think you can do this anymore?’

  My heart was sinking because I was thinking, ‘Okay, this is the bit where he admits he’s fallen in love with somebody else. This is the bit where he says that he doesn’t want to be married anymore.’

  But that wasn’t where Colby was going. What he actually said was, ‘I am actually serious about putting an end to this. I mean, we need to do something about Benjamin! About the impact he has on our lives. I’m not saying he has to go back to Russia. But we’r
e not coping and maybe he’d be better off with different parents.’

  Of course I said, ‘No. Benjamin is family. He is my son and I don’t want to hear another word about getting rid of him like he’s a stray dog. Have you forgotten how much we wanted him? How we went to the orphanage and picked him up? How we arranged his citizenship, and his passport, and his birth certificate – the one that says he’s your son?’

  Colby said, ‘Caitlin, please. I’m at the end of my patience.’

  I said, ‘You’re at the end of your patience? That’s your approach to parenthood? You take it on, and when you get frustrated, you say, I’m at the end of my patience? Would you feel that way if Benjamin wasn’t adopted? What if Benjamin was our son by birth and things weren’t going well? You wouldn’t be able to throw him out with the bathwater then, would you?’

  ‘Well, isn’t that the point?’ replied Colby. ‘Of course we wouldn’t be in this position if you hadn’t gone and picked him up. You’re not seriously trying to tell me it would have happened if we’d had a child of our own. It just wouldn’t.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t it? There are no guarantees.’

  ‘I guarantee you that we would not be in this position,’ said Colby. ‘We are in this position because we adopted this child. And now I’m thinking that was a bad idea. Don’t tell me you’re not thinking it’s a bad idea.’

  I tried to object. I said, ‘Of course I’m not.’

  Colby must have been furious because he really lashed out at me, saying, ‘Caitlin, you’re a liar.’

  I couldn’t help myself. I said, ‘You’re calling me a liar?’

  He must have known what I was getting at, but he didn’t bite. He said, ‘Of course you’re lying. This isn’t what we signed up for, and you know it.’

  I said, ‘So, you wish you hadn’t done it?’

  ‘Of course I wish I hadn’t done it! And you do, too.’

  Just so you know, Colby’s not completely heartless. He was crying when he said it. He said, ‘Why don’t we think about returning Benjamin to the place where he was happiest? Back to the orphanage. He doesn’t have to go alone. I’ll go with him. I’ll call the orphanage. I’ll tell them that it hasn’t worked out.’

  I was so angry I stormed out. But then I got to thinking, ‘Maybe sending Benjamin back to the orphanage would be the kindest thing. No matter what we do, he hates us. He doesn’t want to live here. He wants to go home.’

  So that’s what I mean when I say I’m thinking about just ending everything. We can end this adoption. We can send Benjamin back. I know it’s radical. And I can still remember how I felt when I was making that first Book of Benjamin, about the boy who needed a home. It feels wrong to give in, to say, ‘It’s all too hard.’ Of course it’s hard! We were warned that it would be hard. And part of me can’t give up the idea that if I give Benjamin all the love and attention he needs, one day he’ll come around. So, big question: what do you guys think? Is Colby being horrible? Or am I living in la-la land, thinking that things will eventually get better?

  Please help. Please tell me what you think.

  Comment (1):

  I cannot believe what I am reading! How can you take a child into your home and then consider sending him back? Children are not toys! They aren’t like broken Christmas presents! You don’t get a money-back guarantee!’

  Comment (2):

  We sympathize with you, Caitlin. Like you, we went into adoption with open hearts, but I will admit that we did not have our eyes wide open! Like you, we thought that with enough love, and with enough patience, and guidance from prayer, and help from the extended family, the school and our community, we could turn our son’s life around, but it’s been much harder than I ever imagined it would be. We simply cannot connect with him, no matter how hard we try, and I believe that we should be able to stand up and warn other parents who are thinking of adopting a child from Russia, or from any orphanage anywhere, that the children are not like American children. They’re damaged, and if they have been in the orphanage for longer than a few years it’s going to be very, very difficult, if not impossible, to turn around the damage that has been done.

  Comment (3):

  I cannot believe that your husband would even think such a thing as to send your son – YOUR SON – back to the orphanage just because it has turned out harder than you thought. What would you do if it was your own – i.e. biological – son that had challenging behaviors or was disabled or whatever???? You wouldn’t be able to send him back so I suppose you would be the kind of people who would just put him in an institution???? Or would you have him put down like a dog????? You adopted Benjamin. He is YOUR SON and YOUR problem and you cannot take him back like a shirt that shrunk in the wash!!!!

  Comment (4):

  Did you ever wonder if this is karma? Maybe the reason you couldn’t have a child of your own was because neither of you are capable of being a parent. To be honest, reading your post made me sick. You should give up your son to a couple who would be desperate to have a child. It’s clear that you don’t deserve Benjamin and Benjamin deserves better than you!!!

  Comment (5):

  Caitlin! I don’t want to get involved in this drama, but it seems to me that you have allowed your husband to twist your thinking! You would never have said something like this before. You have to get out of there. I would be very, very worried. Even if he isn’t actually threatening to hurt him physically, he’s talking about getting rid of Benjamin, and that sounds dangerous to me! Save yourself and save Benjamin and get out of there as fast as you can!!!

  Chapter 36

  The (Alternative) Book of Benjamin

  I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while.

  I guess it’s because I haven’t known quite what to say.

  Maybe you’ll remember that the last time I posted, I was seriously thinking about putting Benjamin up for re-adoption. He’d be happier, and Colby and I would be able to work on our marriage – but apparently I left it too late.

  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Colby’s gone.

  He left us.

  I know some of you will be saying good riddance to bad rubbish! And I guess I should have seen it coming, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not in shock.

  For those of you who want the gory details, he basically came to me on Tuesday last week and said, ‘Caitlin, as tough as this is going to be for both of us, I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve given this relationship everything. I feel responsible for bringing you to the United States, and I know when we got married it was supposed to be for better or worse, but I am exhausted. I can’t do it anymore.’

  Of course I said, ‘But what about Benjamin?’ but Colby wouldn’t talk about Benjamin. All he would say was, ‘Benjamin! If there’s one name I never want to hear again, it’s Benjamin.’

  I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I said, ‘Like it or not, he’s our responsibility.’

  Colby said, ‘I used to think that you – and Benjamin – were my responsibility, but it’s like I’ve said: I’m exhausted. I have tried to sort this mess out, but at some point, I have to admit that this problem is too big for me. If I’m being honest, I have to say, Benjamin is your responsibility. He is your problem, and therefore he is your responsibility. I have done my best, but I can’t live like this anymore. And you can’t either. The fact of the matter is, Benjamin has to go, Caitlin. You have to give him up. And until you do, I can’t be here. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.’

  I was amazed.

  I couldn’t believe that he could be so heartless, which was why I didn’t even try to stop him when he walked out the door. I suppose I could have begged, but I didn’t want to beg. I have more pride than that.

  So, yes, he’s gone. I don’t exactly know where he’s gone – he wouldn’t tell me – but I can guess.

  He’ll be with HER.

  She’s probably comforting him as I type. I can’t tell you how much I wish I knew where she lived so I could just go to he
r apartment and knock on her door and confront her and say: how dare you? Home-wrecker. Husband-stealer.

  What I really should do is go and stand on the street outside their building and wait for her to come down the elevator – with him probably – and give her a piece of my mind, but with Benjamin … well, that’s just impossible.

  I’ve tried calling Colby at work a few times, but whenever I get through all he says is: ‘You know the conditions, Caitlin. I can’t talk to you – not until you’ve done something about Benjamin.’

  I don’t know what he expects me to do. Push Benjamin out the front door and tell him never to come back? Drop him over a bridge? Set fire to his room? Leave him at the welfare office with a note around his neck?

  ‘I’ve had enough of him,’ Colby says. Well, maybe I feel that way, too. The difference is, I can’t just walk away. I have to find a solution. So, I guess that’s what I’m going to do.

  Chapter 37

  Seven days after Caitlin made her last entry in The (Alternative) Book of Benjamin, the Colbert house on Larchmont Hill – the Nougat House – burnt to the ground.

  Fire investigators would later say that the fire must have started quite early in the morning and that by the time they arrived, most of the interior was already gone. Structural beams had fallen, walls had collapsed and ceilings had come down. Still, the firemen who arrived to find Caitlin beating at the windows went charging through the burning house, trying desperately to find the boy whose name she was calling.