The Ocean in the Fire

by Renee N. Meland

  Poe’s jaw tightened. “No! Of course not. I just think he will wonder why I didn’t say anything. Better at this point not to tell him at all.”

  “But why didn’t you say anything to begin with then?”

  Poe’s voice grew higher. “I don’t know. I just don’t know, okay?”

  Blake sat up and looked at Poe straight in the eyes, concern beaming from her face. “I’m sorry. I’ll do whatever you want. It’ll be our secret. If you decide he needs to know then you can tell him yourself. He won’t hear it from me. I promise.”

  “Thank you.”

  Poe didn’t mean to be short with her. She knew that Blake didn’t know any better. But that was part of their job as the leaders of this compound: to show them the rules so that they would all survive…even if she wasn’t entirely sure what the rules were. Maybe her father would be fine with it. He probably would. Possibly. But for whatever reason, something deep inside told her to keep her friendship with Blake locked deep inside herself, like the gun cabinet next to her bed, only bringing it out when the time was right…if it ever was. Maybe a part of her wanted a secret to keep, or at least the trust that came with it; Blake giving her that responsibility, the weight of it, resonated with her in a way nothing else ever had.

  Every moment of her life, she shared with her family: every meal, every quiet afternoon–every breath. She had a friend now, something that her father didn’t know about. A feeling erupted in her heart that she didn’t recognize: something like rebellion snuffing out a hint of shame.

  And it felt wonderful.

  Just as she was about to drift off Blake spoke again. “So, since I’m keeping a secret for you, maybe you can keep a secret for me?”

  At this request, Poe felt compelled to not only roll over, but throw the blankets off of herself, get out of bed, and sit down beside Blake. She hoped she didn’t seem too eager, but no one had ever told her a secret before. Her sister, yes, but family is different. Family has to trust each other, especially when living outside of society. But a friend telling her something no one else knew? That was a different experience altogether, something important that deserved her full attention. “Sure. What is it?”

  Poe noticed Blake’s eyes had become wet. “You can’t tell anyone. Ever. Not your sister, not anyone. Okay?”

  “Promise.”

  Blake took a deep breath. “I’m not an EMT. I cut hair. I’m of no use to anybody. Not here. Not now.”

  A lump formed in Poe’s throat as panic enveloped her. She did not expect the secret to be something that could affect all of them, something that could, God forbid, mean life or death at some point. Keeping a friend’s secret was one thing, endangering all their lives was quite another. “Why did you do it?” She asked, already knowing the answer.

  “Drew was trying to keep me alive. And I didn’t stop him. I watched that man and his wife get shuffled off into the woods to die and I didn’t say a word.” Tears drifted quietly down her cheeks, making wet pools on her pillow. “I don’t know if I can live with that. Drew said to do it for Jackson. And I suppose I let it happen for him and Vera too. I didn’t want them to get hurt for covering for me. But I don’t know if I can live with it. How am I supposed to be a good example for him after allowing that to happen?” She got up out of her own sleeping bag and turned to face Poe. “I feel like someone has grabbed ahold of my chest and won’t let go.”

  “He was right.” The words came out, surprising Poe herself just as much as Blake.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. You can learn everything you need to. And then it won’t be a lie anymore. You just need a little time.” As Poe said it, she knew she actually believed part of it in her heart. She wasn’t just trying to ease the mind of a new friend; despite the worry she felt, she truly believed that, as a mother first, Blake had made the right call. Maybe she had more survival instincts than anyone, especially her father, ever imagined.

  “How am I supposed to get that? One of you is going to be watching us all the time I’m sure. I really doubt your dad is going to let us wander around unsupervised. They’ll see right through me.”

  Poe let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Blake or herself that they could undo what had started without anyone getting hurt. Blake had made the right call for herself and her son. But for the rest of the group? That answer would only come with time. As for herself, not telling her father the truth was simply a dressed-up lie, but she had never had a friend before, and she wasn’t about to cut their friendship off at the knees before it even started. She hoped the situation could still be mended, and maybe they would be even better off for it; she just needed to figure out how. After a couple months, it would be nothing more than a blessing in disguise; if they were careful.

  If ever there was a chance to pay Blake back for saving her all those years ago, this was it. “I’ll help.”

  Blake smiled sadly. “Thank you, but how?”

  Her reservations hadn’t gone away, but an idea was forming in Poe’s brain, a flicker of light in a room full of noise. There was a way to save her, but the deception would be deep. “I’ll tell my dad tomorrow that I want to learn medicine. I’ll explain that I can be the one who watches you and Drew while learning from you both at the same time.” She smiled, for Blake as well as for herself. She hoped if she smiled long enough it would dull the pain inside her that came from what she knew she was doing to her father. “Drew can teach me, but he’ll be teaching you too. My father will never know, and he’ll never feel the need to check because I’ll be with you both.”

  Poe jumped slightly as Blake threw her arms around her. “You’d do that? I don’t know how to thank you. I…thank you.”

  Poe nodded then climbed her way back into bed. “It’ll be all right. Get some sleep, okay? Everything will work out tomorrow. My father gets up at five though, so you have to be back downstairs before that.” She leaned over and set her alarm clock. “I’ll wake you up and get you both back down there before he knows you’re gone.”

  Blake nodded and closed her eyes, and the night seemed a little less dark.

  CHAPTER NINE

  CONNOR (before)

  “Emily,” Kate said as Connor walked into the living room. She had the glow that people have when they are daydreaming. She was seated on their soft brown couch with a pale pink skirt on that gently draped over her legs and brushed against the top of her calves. The couch was the one she had insisted they buy at a garage sale on the way back from the grocery store one afternoon many years before. Connor had, of course, whined that they had no idea what had happened on it, or what people had sat on it before they came upon it, to which she replied, “Exactly. You just look at it and know it’s got its own set of stories.” Connor told her he preferred his stories to be in book form.

  They bought the couch.

  He sat down beside her and wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulders. She leaned into him, resting her head in the nape of his neck. “Good choice,” He told her. “We don’t have any poets in our brood yet.”

  She smiled. “Exactly what I was thinking. Emily Dickinson should feel honored; may she rest in peace.”

  “We’re a pretty special lot.” He could feel the pride she had in their other children beaming off of her. Gabriel had already demonstrated a sharp eye for mechanics. Harper’s strength was her fearlessness, allowing her to still be a strong actress in their school play despite the constant name-calling from the other children, and even as a child, Poe was already demonstrating the ability to be the writer Kate had always dreamed of being. Connor couldn’t tell if he was proud or disappointed that everything good and pure inside of them came from her. “Although you better stop coming up with anymore authors that you like. We’re going to have to build a bigger house.”

  Connor laughed, and she lovingly stroked his cheek with the back of her fingers. “No promises.” She released herself from his hold long enough to grab
a baby accessories catalogue out of the basket of magazines they had next to the couch. After she grabbed it, she cradled herself right back to where she was—the spot where when they first started dating. They would comment how she always fit there perfectly, and through the years, it seemed to become truer with each passing day. “I know we won’t need much new stuff, but it’s always fun to look.”

  They took turns flipping the pages. He noticed that she stayed on a page with a lavender and lace crib for just a couple seconds longer than the others, and made a mental note to order it the second she wasn’t looking. He would set it up when she was out, and he would watch her face light up at the surprise. “Our appointment is tomorrow at one o’clock right?” He asked.

  Kate lightly slugged him in the leg. “Yes of course. How could you forget?”

  He smiled. “I didn’t. Just wanted to make sure we weren’t late. I hate being late.” He kissed her on the forehead and lightly placed his hand on her stomach. “I can’t wait to hear it from the doctor’s mouth. I mean I know those tests are pretty accurate, but it’ll be real once he says it.”

  “Gosh I don’t want to get my hopes up. I mean we had more “no” tests than “yes” tests.”

  He nodded. “I know, but I would imagine it’s awful hard to get a yes if it isn’t true. It wouldn’t just appear out of nowhere.”

  Kate sighed. Maybe hearing Connor confirm what she hoped to be true made it all the more real for her, the same as hearing the Dr. Matthews say it would have for him, in the way that a child is comforted when a parent tells them everything will be fine, even if they have no way of knowing if it’s true.

  ***

  “I’m so sorry guys, but the urine test came back negative.” Dr. Matthews seemed genuinely disappointed for them.

  Connor put his hands on Kate’s shoulders and felt her lay a hand on top of his. “I don’t understand, Doctor. How can we have a false positive? Doesn’t it test a hormone or something?”

  Dr. Matthews considered it for a moment. “Sometimes those little sticks can be very picky. I’ve seen many a person do it wrong, and I have to break the news to them too that their yes was just brought on by a user error.”

  Connor hated the way he said it, user error, as if a baby could be reduced to nothing more than a glorified computer glitch. Their baby wasn’t a misread wire or bad code. She had a name. “Are you absolutely sure she’s not pregnant?”

  Kate chimed in. “Could we do a blood test?”

  Dr. Matthews’ expression hardened, like his smile was suddenly baked in the oven and turned into a stiff, crisp surface. Evidently, he was not a man who was used to being questioned. “I’m sure. The urine test was a negative.” Suddenly he came back to himself, and his smile was soft and malleable once again. “Go home, get some rest, and try again. I’m sure it will happen for you soon. And above all, relax! It’s amazing how many people get pregnant after they stop trying.”

  Someone knocked on the door of the exam room. “Who is it?” Dr. Matthews asked.

  “It’s Gina.” Gina was Dr. Matthew’s nurse. She had been in the position for several years, at least since Kate had started coming to the office for prenatal care when she was pregnant with Gabriel.

  “Come in.”

  “I wanted you to come in and look…” Gina started to speak then noticed Connor and Kate as she glanced over. Her eyes grew wide then returned to normal. If Connor hadn’t been paying attention, he may not have noticed. “Oh. Hello.”

  “Hello,” Connor and Kate said. Kate added, “How are you?”

  “Fine.” Gina turned her attention back to Dr. Matthews. “I’ll be in the other room when you’re ready, Doctor.” She left with a pleasant wave that seemed forced.

  Connor wondered for a moment what he had done to make her mad, but then remembered: most of the town had now convinced themselves he was some sort of serial killer, cult leader, or at the very least, had something sinister to hide.

  He didn’t have to have done anything to her personally. His mere presence was enough to warrant suspicion.

  Kate sat on the examination table for a moment then slowly rose to her feet. “Thank you for your time, Doctor.” The disappointment on her delicate face spread quickly to the rest of her body: her shoulders slouched, and as we made our way to the car, her pace slowed. Even her curls seemed to grow limp in the hot sun. “I was so sure. I mean I just had this…feeling. I mean I knew I was pregnant.”

  Connor grabbed her hand and squeezed it, as he had done a thousand times before, but with even more meaning in that moment. “It’s going to be okay, Kate. You’ll get your Emily.” I forced a chuckle. “Or maybe a Charles.”

  A hint of a smile appeared on her lips. “You know I hate Dickens.”

  Connor felt around in his pocket for his car keys. Finding just fabric and lint, he realized that he had left them on the counter when he had gotten his wallet out to pay for the appointment. “Just one second, I have to grab the keys. I left them inside.”

  He had made it to the entryway when he realized they were talking about him. Impulsively, he ducked around the side wall that held the glass doors and listened. He could make out the words, but what really got him was the laughter. It was the only clinic in town, and he had to trust them with his own medical care and that of his family.

  And they were all laughing at him. He peered out of his hiding spot for just a moment to confirm his worst fear: Dr. Matthews was there. He was standing within the group…and he was doing nothing. It was a good few minutes before he put a stop to the cackling, and to Connor, that was a few minutes too long.

  He wished he hadn’t allowed them to have that birthday party. Though eventually, someone would have decided on an answer to the riddle that was the Holloway family, the mysterious group who lived in isolation and only came down to drop their children off at school and to get supplies. But perhaps they could have lived in anonymity just a little bit longer, and the kids would have been older when they needed to start defending themselves. Connor had hoped the town would be perfect for them when they bought their land there: he could build a place to keep his family safe, yet it was in a feasible driving distance to town in case of emergencies. He had thought people would be too busy taking care of themselves to get in their business.

  He thought wrong.

  When they got into the car, he turned on Kate’s favorite Celine Dion CD. She had told him once that Dion was the one that taught her how to love, and he told her that he owed Ms. Dion a huge debt of gratitude. “You brought it…thank you.”

  He took his eyes off the road to briefly glance at her. “Celine’s good in that way. She can help you skip through a field of flowers or she can hold you while you cry. I figured either way, she’d be of some help.” At that, Kate burst into tears. Without a word, Connor pulled over the car, and with a wooden fence and a field full of wheat swaying in the wind outside, he held her as she sobbed.

  CHAPTER TEN

  DREW

  Drew’s eyes seemed unwilling to close that night. Uneasiness crept over him, like a thousand needles pricking against his skin. He knew it was impossible for him to be the only watchperson on duty until morning, but even though Darius was in the position, he still felt a heightened state of alertness. Vera lay next to him, and it occurred to him how primal people’s humanity becomes in an emergency situation: and what they were facing together was even more than that. For all they knew, it was the end of the country, perhaps every country for that matter. All sympathy for strangers flies away when the world is on fire, and the basic instinct to protect one’s own takes over entirely. Darius would be concerned with Cassius alone, and vice versa. When something shifted forever, they would cling to each other as they clung to life. Drew’s people were his responsibility, and he knew the idea that he should rely on anyone else to fulfill his duties as well as him would be a fatal mistake. A group can be cohesive during normal circumstances, but once disaster strikes, the truth reveals itself.

&nbs
p; And the truth could involve everyone crawling on top of each other as the ship they called America sank into the ocean depths.

  He looked over at Vera. She was still awake, lying there folded into a tight ball. Her jaw was clenched shut. “Are you cold?” he whispered.

  “A little.” For Vera to even admit that much meant that she was actually freezing. Her fingers were folded together toward her face, and in the moonlight, her normally almond-colored nails appeared to be the color of sand.

  He reached out of his sleeping bag and pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her. “Makes you miss our soft wool blanket that we keep on the couch at home huh?”

  She smiled. “That thing has been with us many a movie night. Remember our first Christmas together? We spent the entire night wrapped up in it and lying by the fireplace.”

  “Of course I remember.” He kissed her forehead. Vera’s face suddenly became sullen. “What is it?”

  “It’s just strange to think…that last movie we watched together could have been the last time we snuggle in front of a fireplace.” She sighed. “How many other things did we do for the last time and not realize it? Was our last plate of fettuccini at Carmen’s the last one?” She paused. “It sounds ridiculous to be concerned about, I feel ashamed that I thought of it actually, but I just joined that book club I told you about. Will I never again read a book that isn’t found in this house? Maybe the first time I took a stroll on that trail by our house last week was also the last time: firsts and lasts all at once.” As she spoke it struck him how quiet the world outside was. There was no chatter of wildlife, no hum of the city; just nothingness stretched out around them. He couldn’t help but wonder if the disease had snuffed out every inch of earth except the part they rested on; the entire world now consisting of a small patch of land, an Eden covered with gardens and guns, shelter, and salvation.

  But he couldn’t let Vera know that.