A Daughter's Dream

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘I hope you’re still going to do some of my trousseau?’ Jane asked.

  ‘Oh, yes, I think I can manage that – it’s just that I can’t take on too many new clients until I know for sure whether my best girl is leaving us. She was going for an interview yesterday, so I may hear on Monday when I return to work.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter about them,’ Mary told me just before I went up to freshen up for lunch. ‘As long as you keep making dresses for me I shall keep asking you to my house.’

  Was that a threat? Or was I allowing Millie’s warning to cloud my judgement?

  ‘I shall keep making things for you as long as I can,’ I promised.

  Several of the men and a couple of the younger ladies decided to make up a cricket team on the lawn after lunch. Mary didn’t join them. Cricket bored her and she preferred just to sit in one of the basket chairs and relax.

  ‘It’s all just too tiring,’ she complained. ‘Besides, I want to be fresh for my dance this evening.’ She gave me a look that was a little sly. ‘I’m going to persuade Paul to ask me to marry him this evening. I’ve made up my mind and I don’t care what my father or anyone else thinks. I want Paul and I’m going to have him.’

  ‘I thought you told me he said it wasn’t a good idea for cousins to marry – something about your family being too closely intermingled already?’

  ‘Oh, that’s just rubbish,’ she said. ‘Besides, I’ve made up my mind and I usually get what I want.’ Her eyes seemed to convey a message, as if she were warning me of something, and I wondered if she knew I had been for a walk with Paul the previous evening. ‘I told you Paul was mine, Amy. He flirts with other girls all the time, but I have him on a line and when I pull the line he will come back to me. I want him, and I’m going to have him.’

  Remembering some of the things Paul had said to me the previous evening I thought that he might have something to say about Mary’s plans. He told me that he did not intend to marry anyone, but that if he had been able to take a wife he would have chosen me.

  Of course, I didn’t tell Mary that; it would have been useless and unfair of me. I didn’t want to marry Paul. There was definitely a bond between us, an invisible string that seemed to draw us together sometimes, but it was an impossible dream. He wasn’t for me and never could be.

  Paul was out second ball, having scored no runs. Obviously he wasn’t as good at cricket as at tennis, I thought, until I heard someone say that it was unlike him to be out so easily. He disappeared into the house and when he came back out he had changed into an open-necked shirt, a dark blazer and slacks. He came and sat next to me, watching for a while before saying anything.

  ‘I’m going for a drive,’ he said. ‘Would you like to come with me, Amy?’

  ‘Do you think we should? Won’t you be needed when your side is fielding?’

  ‘I’ve told the captain I don’t feel up to it. I need to get away from all these people – are you coming or not?’

  ‘Yes, if you want me to. Shall I tell Mary?’

  ‘No. Just come if you are coming.’

  I got up and followed him. Terry was batting as I left and I didn’t think he noticed, but Mary did. I saw her frown and sensed she was angry that I was leaving with him.

  It was reckless to go with Paul, I suppose. I knew I was risking a breach with Mary, and a part of me was sorry for that – but I also knew there was unfinished business between Paul and me.

  His car was a sports model with an open top, dark green in colour and very fast on the road. He opened the door for me to get in, saying nothing as he began to drive.

  We went very fast, especially after we left the estate and ventured out on to the open road. I wondered if Paul was trying to scare me, and a couple of times I had to hold my squeal of fright inside as he cornered recklessly, but after half an hour or so, he drew to a halt on an open stretch of common land and turned to grin at me.

  ‘That’s better. I should have exploded if I had stayed there another minute.’

  ‘Has something happened to upset you?’

  ‘No – should it have?’ He stared at me for a moment then leaned towards me, kissing me softly on the lips. ‘My promise was only for last night, Amy. I’ve been thinking all night about what we were saying.’

  ‘We didn’t say anything sensible.’

  ‘I told you that I loved you, and that I thought you loved me a little.’

  ‘But you were teasing, weren’t you?’

  ‘I was then – but I’m not now.’ His eyes seemed to burn into me. ‘If I asked you to marry me – just run off somewhere now and get married – would you?’

  ‘You don’t mean that.’

  ‘Yes, I do. I’m quite serious. I love you, Amy. I’m not good enough for you, and I haven’t the right to ask … but I am asking anyway.’

  What was he asking – that I should throw everything into the melting pot to go off with him on some mad adventure? For one wild, foolish moment I almost said yes, but then sanity returned.

  ‘I couldn’t, Paul. I couldn’t do that to my family – to Matthew.’

  ‘I was afraid you would say that.’ He smiled oddly. ‘That’s it then, isn’t it? I shan’t ask again. It was now or never, while I still had the courage.’

  ‘Oh, Paul …’ I said. ‘You know I do love you as a friend.’

  ‘As a friend?’ He nodded and I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. ‘Yes, of course. We are friends, Amy. I love you, too, as a friend. You will think kindly of me, won’t you – whatever happens?’

  A shiver went down my spine and I was suddenly cold. I was frightened for Paul, though I wasn’t sure why I should be. He looked like a man for whom the net was closing in, a man whose only hope of escape had been denied him.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Why should you be? You were very sensible to turn me down, Amy. I warned you that I wasn’t good for you, didn’t I? And I’m very glad that you heeded my warning.’

  Paul started the car and drove us home at a sedate pace. He didn’t speak as he opened the car door for me to get out.

  ‘Good luck, Paul,’ I said, feeling somehow that he needed it.

  ‘Thank you, Amy. I wish you happiness.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  I was thoughtful as I walked into the house. Paul was in a very strange mood. What had prompted him to suddenly ask me to run off and marry him? He must have been desperate, because he must surely have known that I would never do something like that.

  Lost in my thoughts, I had not noticed Mr Maitland until he spoke to me. I jumped as I heard his voice, feeling uneasy though I wasn’t sure why – except that he seemed almost to be spying on me these days.

  ‘Good afternoon, Miss Robinson. I trust you enjoyed your outing with my wife’s nephew?’

  ‘Oh yes, thank you, sir,’ I replied, because there wasn’t really anything else I could say.

  I tried to go past him but he caught my arm, detaining me. I noticed an odd gleam in his eyes that disturbed me, making me remember my mother’s warning.

  ‘I was hoping we might have a private talk, Miss Robinson.’

  ‘I really think I should join the others, Mr Maitland.’

  ‘I have a suggestion that you might find of advantage to you.’

  ‘A suggestion?’ I wanted to escape but it was difficult without being rude.

  ‘I have been told that your hopes of continuing as a dress designer may be coming to an abrupt end …’

  Who had told him that? I did not even know for certain myself.

  ‘I may not be able to do as much in that direction as I’d hoped in future, but I shall be able to complete Mary’s commission.’

  ‘In this instance I was thinking of you rather than my daughter, Amy.’

  It was the first time he had used my Christian name and I thought I detected a subtle change in his manner towards me; it seemed not quite as respectful, and more intimate than before.

  ‘Excuse me, sir. Mary will be wonde
ring where I am.’

  ‘I doubt it. I asked her earlier and she made it clear to me that she was no longer interested in you. You have seriously displeased Mary, and I’m afraid that was a mistake. You are either my daughter’s friend or you are not.’

  ‘I must go.’

  ‘Not before—’

  ‘Amy! Where on earth have you been?’

  My brother’s impatient words had an instant effect on Mr Maitland. He stood aside for me, a flicker of annoyance on his face.

  ‘Another time, Miss Robinson.’

  I walked quickly to join my brother, who frowned at me.

  ‘Have you been with him all the time?’

  ‘No, of course not. Paul asked me to go for a ride with him. I know we’ve been more than an hour, but he was in a bit of a mood and he needed to calm down.’

  ‘You should stay away from Paul Ross. I don’t trust him.’

  ‘Paul would never hurt me. You don’t understand him. As a matter of fact …’ I had been about to tell my brother that Paul had asked me to marry him but I changed my mind. ‘Oh, forget it. I’m going up to rest before I get changed for the evening.’

  ‘Most of the other girls went up half an hour ago. Mary was looking for you and she wasn’t pleased when she couldn’t find you.’

  ‘Mary gets altogether too much of her own way as it is!’

  I left my brother staring after me as I ran upstairs. I was feeling upset by Mr Maitland’s behaviour and half regretting the answer I’d given Paul. His suggestion that we should run away had stunned and shocked me and I had replied defensively, but I knew that he meant more to me than he should.

  If he had asked me to get engaged in the conventional way, would I have agreed? At this moment I wasn’t sure, and that was very disturbing. I felt guilty, as though I had betrayed Matthew, and I almost wished that I had never met Mary or Paul, that my life was still as simple and uncomplicated as it had been before I began to design dresses for Mary.

  Millie looked at me oddly as I entered our room. She was dressed in only her underwear and was obviously nearly ready for the evening. I realized that it was even later than I had thought.

  ‘Mary asked me if I knew where you had gone. I think she is very angry with you, Amy.’

  ‘Because Paul asked me to go for a ride with him in his car?’

  Millie hesitated, then said, ‘Paul has been paying you too much attention. We’ve all noticed it but didn’t like to say. Mary has always thought she owns him. It’s as though she has some kind of hold over him. I think he will marry her in the end.’

  ‘Paul doesn’t think that’s a good idea, because their family has inter-married too often in the past.’

  ‘Mary won’t care about that. I know she seems shy and unsure of herself when you first meet her, but underneath she’s tougher than either of us. When she wants something she usually gets it.’

  ‘I’m not stopping her. Besides, it isn’t really my affair. I’m not going to marry Paul.’

  ‘I never thought you were. He couldn’t afford to marry you, Amy. You don’t have any money.’

  I almost told her that he had asked me to run away with him, but something stopped me. Paul wouldn’t want everyone to know that I had refused him.

  Millie turned away when I didn’t answer, fastening her necklace, and I went into the bathroom to wash before changing into my evening dress. I thought Millie might have gone down without me, but she was still fiddling with her hair in front of the mirror. When I returned, she asked if I would fasten a hook at the back of her dress, which I did. She watched as I went to the wardrobe and took my own gown out, slipped it on and then took her place in front of the mirror to put some lipstick on and comb my hair again.

  ‘That is a very smart dress,’ she said. ‘Did you make it yourself?’

  ‘I designed it and helped cut the material, and I did the embroidery on the bodice.’

  ‘It suits you so well. Very … sophisticated.’

  I glanced at myself in the mirror. I had chosen a stiff crimson satin and a very simple design for my gown that fitted closely to the shape of my body and was cleverly draped to emphasize the waist. It had a dipping neckline at the front and the back, thin shoulder straps and a beaded flower motif across the bodice. When I’d tried it on with Margaret I had thought it perfect, but looking at it again now I realized it was a little too daring, too sophisticated for a young girl’s dance.

  ‘It makes me look older.’

  ‘I think you look lovely,’ Millie said loyally.

  I was doubtful, but it was too late to change my mind now. I had nothing else suitable. Even as I went downstairs with Millie I knew I had made a mistake. The dress would have looked right in a London nightclub, but it was out of place at a country dance, especially for a girl of my age. If my mother had seen it she would have said at once that it was too old for me.

  I saw the expression on the faces of some of Mary’s guests and I guessed what they were thinking. Most of the other young girls were wearing pastels or white, and I stood out like a sore thumb.

  I could have died when I saw the lustful gleam in the eyes of one or two of the older men and I wished I had worn my old blue dress again.

  ‘Where did you get that dress?’ Terry asked when he saw me. ‘It’s pretty, Amy, but a bit over the top for an occasion like this, don’t you think?’

  ‘Yes. I can see now that it was a mistake.’

  ‘Why didn’t you wear something else?’

  ‘I made this especially for this evening. I haven’t got anything else suitable.’

  ‘Oh well, you will have to make the best of it then.’

  Nine

  Mary was in the drawing room, receiving her friends as they came down, but when she saw me she turned her back on me and spoke to someone else. I took hold of Terry’s arm as we filed past her, sticking my head in the air defiantly. I wasn’t going to let her or anyone else see that I was hurt.

  Most people were making their way across the carpet that had been laid on the lawn to the marquee to protect our shoes, and Terry and I followed the others. There was music playing as we entered the huge tent. People were already dancing and Terry asked me if I would like to dance with him. I accepted gratefully. If it hadn’t been for my brother, who was looking very debonair in his evening suit, I thought I would have turned tail and gone to hide in my room rather than face Mary’s guests.

  I was dancing with Terry when I saw Mary come in with Paul. She had her arm linked with his and looked both pretty and excited, the beautiful diamond necklace she was wearing flashing in the light of the chandeliers. She looked exactly what she was: the spoiled and indulged daughter of a very wealthy man.

  Paul glanced across the room at me. For a moment his eyes seemed to linger, intent and hungry, and then Mary tugged at his arm and he looked down at her. The next minute they were dancing.

  I danced two dances with my brother. When the music ended, Terry took me over to where Mary, Jane and Millie were standing with Paul and Jane’s brother. Mary gave me a hard, malicious look but said nothing. Terry asked Millie to dance and Jane’s brother led Mary on to the floor. Paul glanced at me but then asked Jane if she would like to dance.

  For a few minutes I was left standing alone, but then Alan Bell came up to me.

  ‘You look rather splendid this evening, Amy. Quite a dark horse, aren’t you?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘All the chaps are admiring you from a distance,’ he said. ‘You look like a Hollywood actress, Amy. Very glamorous and … Well, very nice indeed. I hardly knew you at first.’

  ‘It’s just the dress. I haven’t changed.’

  ‘Exactly my thoughts … But some of the other chaps may have other ideas. I wouldn’t go walking in the gardens this evening if I were you. Might get the wrong idea, what?’

  Alan’s warning was meant kindly but it made me blush. I might have gone up to change my dress after our dance, but pride made me stubborn. If they
wanted to think ill of me, it was up to them. I was the same girl, even if I had chosen to wear a dress that was a little too sophisticated for me.

  I had already decided that I would think long and hard before I came to another of Mary’s parties – if I was even invited. From the looks Mary had been giving me, I probably wouldn’t be. She had warned me she intended to have Paul for herself, and she was angry because I had gone for that drive with him. But it was more than that, of course. She must know that there was a special feeling between Paul and me – and she was jealous.

  I danced with a succession of gentlemen after Alan, some of whom I had never met before that evening. Some were friendly and scrupulously polite, others held me too close and gave me suggestive leers that made me shudder inside.

  And all because of a dress! I just hadn’t realized what a difference it would make. I wished I’d bought the dress I’d been thinking of having from my aunt’s stock, which was a pale blue silk and very like the dresses that most of the girls were wearing. What had possessed me to design something so outrageous for myself? And why had I chosen crimson? I knew it looked fabulous on but it just wasn’t right for this evening. Or for a girl of my age.

  The evening wore on but neither Mary nor Paul came to speak to me, which made me feel like an outcast. I knew Mary was angry, but why had Paul abandoned me? I was hurt by his apparent disapproval, just when I could have done with some support. He must have known that I was feeling uncomfortable. It would have eased my embarrassment if he had spent just a few minutes talking to me. After his usual assiduous attention it looked so odd that he hadn’t even said hello.

  Mary’s father paid a brief visit to the marquee about halfway through the evening. I had hoped he would ignore me, but instead he came over almost as soon as he saw me.

  ‘You look beautiful this evening, Amy. That wonderful dress must have been made for you – your own design, of course.’

  ‘It is too old for me. I made a mistake.’

  ‘Not at all,’ he said, an intimate note in his voice. ‘If I had any say in the matter you would always wear gowns that show off your unique beauty. I was always aware that you were different from the others – those foolish little girls my daughter collects. There is something special about you, my dear.’