A Daughter's Dream

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘I did … I still might one day. I don’t know. I’m not ready to see him yet, Terry. I can’t …’

  How could I face Matthew after what had happened? I felt so ashamed, unclean.

  ‘Well, that’s up to you, I suppose. Don’t forget what I said. I’ll help out in any way I can.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Thank you.’

  It was a relief to know that the police had found the body, but I wondered how long it would be before they came looking for me.

  My father phoned me the next day and told me that he had been to see the police. He had told the sergeant he’d spoken to – a man he knew quite well – that Mary was staying with us because she’d been unwell after the tragic death of her fiancé.

  ‘They asked when she came to us and I told them it was early afternoon, then I said that I had told Mary about her father’s death and that she was in shock. They said they would need to question her at some future date, but to be honest, love, they didn’t seem very interested in Mary. They did ask about your friendship with her, and they might want a statement, but they don’t seem in any hurry.’

  I wished in my heart that they would come and get it over with, and my guilt in the cover-up pricked at my conscience. But it was another three days before a rather young and subdued constable came to ask very politely if he could have a word with me.

  ‘I’m sorry to trouble you, miss,’ he said when I took him into Lainie’s office. ‘But it’s a nasty business and we have to ask questions.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ I said, feeling terrible. ‘I’m not sure what happened. I read in the paper that—’

  ‘Mr Maitland was shot in his home,’ he finished for me. ‘Yes, there wasn’t much in the paper for a very good reason. We wanted it kept quiet – but I dare say it will all come out soon enough.’

  ‘Do you know who …?’

  ‘It’s a gangland killing, miss,’ he said, glancing over his shoulder. ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this – but I don’t expect you know any gangsters.’ He laughed and I smiled. ‘A war over territory, we think. There was another similar killing a few weeks back.’

  I swallowed hard. ‘How could Mr Maitland be involved in something like that?’

  ‘I can’t tell you that bit, miss. I don’t suppose you would know about him or what he did. He kept it pretty quiet and I dare say his poor daughter hasn’t the first idea – it’s going to be a terrible shock to her when it all hits the papers. That was one of the reasons we held it back, so that she could be told first.’

  ‘Mary isn’t well. She’s been in shock since her fiancé died.’

  ‘That makes it even worse, poor lass.’

  ‘She has no family to speak of, and few friends.’

  ‘Then it’s lucky your family took her in, miss – and a good thing you took her home with you when you did. If she’d been at her own home she might have been killed too.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ The colour drained from my face as I remembered what had happened. I saw Mary’s face as she shot her father and felt the guilt strike me once more.

  ‘Well, now don’t upset yourself. It didn’t happen and you can congratulate yourself for that, miss.’ He closed his notebook and stood up. ‘I shan’t take up any more of your time. I’m sorry to have troubled you, and I hope you won’t have nightmares over what I’ve told you.’

  ‘No, I shan’t.’ I smiled at him. ‘You’ve been so kind.’

  He had asked me hardly any questions, giving out more information than he’d gained.

  ‘Well, it wasn’t likely that you’d know anything, was it, miss?’

  ‘No. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help to you.’

  ‘Never expected you could, miss. Goodbye then.’

  I shivered as he left, feeling that it was all a bit unreal. Had we got away with it so easily? But of course there was still Mary – how would she react when the police interviewed her?

  I took the tube and went to see my parents that evening after work. Mary was sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea. She looked up as I went in and smiled at me.

  ‘Hello, Amy,’ she said. ‘It was good of you to come and see me.’

  I glanced at my mother, who shook her head and indicated that I should go through to the parlour.

  I’ll be back in a moment, Mary love. I’m just going to do something for Amy.’

  ‘She isn’t quite right in the head,’ my mother said as she joined me. ‘She seems to understand what I tell her, and she’s as good as gold, no trouble at all – but she doesn’t know what’s going on and she doesn’t remember anything. The police inspector who questioned her said that in his opinion she ought to be in a mental home. He thinks she’s had a nervous breakdown brought on by the death of her fiancé, and he advised us to seek medical help. I’ve had our doctor to her a couple of times, but he says there’s nothing he can do. He thinks she might come out of it in time, but he says there’s a place she can go for tests and treatment. Your father said I should ask you before we decide.’

  ‘Do you mind having her here, Mum?’

  ‘I told you, she’s no trouble – but don’t expect her to talk to you much. She will ask for what she wants now, and she says thank you when I do anything for her, but that’s about it.’

  ‘She isn’t just pretending not to remember?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so and neither does your father.’

  “Where is Dad?’

  ‘He went out with Matthew somewhere. He seems back to his old self now, but he’s promised he won’t do so much, and he won’t have to now that Matthew has taken so much of the load from his shoulders. That young man of yours is a marvel, Amy.’

  ‘He … He isn’t my young man any more, Mum. I should have told you – we’ve postponed the wedding.’

  ‘I did think he seemed a bit glum when I mentioned you. Why did you fall out with him?’ My mother frowned. ‘It wasn’t over what happened the other day? You’re not being silly, are you?’

  ‘It happened before that,’ I said and then felt my cheeks go hot. ‘But it has made me feel dirty, Mum. How could I marry anyone after that?’

  ‘Now that’s nonsense, Amy Robinson. Nothing so very terrible happened – nothing that my daughter can’t cope with, I hope.’

  ‘Oh, Mum …’ I laughed as she had intended. ‘It does make me feel ashamed when I think about it, but it isn’t just that. I’m not sure if I want to get married yet. I like working for Lainie, and I’m so busy with my designs and my embroidery.’

  ‘Talk to Matthew then,’ she said. ‘Explain how you feel and ask him to be patient for a while if that’s what you really want. Don’t lose him, Amy. There are good men and bad – and that one is a treasure. You should be catching hold of him with both hands.’

  ‘Perhaps … if he was willing to wait.’

  ‘Well, I’ve told you what I think and I shan’t lecture you. It’s your decision now, my love.’

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ I said. ‘But for the moment we have to decide what to do about Mary. The police think her father’s murder was a gangland affair. I should imagine they will be investigating his business very thoroughly now. I don’t know how she stands concerning his money.’

  ‘Your father says most of it will be tied up in legitimate stuff they can’t touch, which means she won’t be short of money. There will be sufficient to pay for her stay at this place I’ve told you about. It’s privately run and the patients are tended by nursing nuns, so I’ve been told. I understand it is in the country and very peaceful. It isn’t an institution, Amy – just a pleasant home for people who have been damaged by life.’

  ‘Give her a little longer with you,’ I said. ‘And then we’ll decide.’

  ‘Yes, that’s what I thought you would say, love.’ My mother smiled at me. ‘Now come and talk to her again. She might respond to you more than she does to us.’

  ‘Perhaps,’ I said. But in my heart I knew that the only person she would truly respond to was dead. Paul wa
s all Mary had ever wanted and without him she had simply lost the will to live.

  I sat by her side in the kitchen and talked to her for more than an hour. I told her about all the dresses I was designing, and that Jane Adams had been into the shop and asked after her.

  ‘Millie is getting engaged soon,’ I said. ‘If you’re well enough, Mary, I’m sure she would invite you to her party.’

  Mary stared at me without a flicker of interest. I saw that nothing I could say would rouse her, and in the end I bent to kiss her cheek and left her there.

  Unless there was a change in her soon we would have no choice but to send her to the nuns.

  ‘Do you think it’s too casual for me?’ Lainie asked, turning so that she could see the back of the new winter costume she was trying on. We were alone in the shop and she was getting ready to go down to visit Harold the next day. She had finally agreed to stay with him for a few days and help him decide whether to sell or keep his inherited property. ‘I normally wear a more tailored style.’

  ‘I think it looks lovely on you,’ I told her. ‘But don’t let me persuade you if you’re not sure. There was a waisted suit in your size, it came in this morning.’

  ‘It’s grey, isn’t it?’ She frowned as I nodded. ‘I don’t really want grey. I like this blue – as long as I don’t look like mutton dressed up as lamb.’

  ‘Everyone will be wearing this style before long,’ I told her. ‘I am sure Harold will think you lovely. Besides, he won’t care what you wear as long as you are with him.’

  ‘It isn’t too young?’ She laughed as I pulled a face. ‘I feel almost like a girl again … Excited and happy.’

  ‘Well, why shouldn’t you? I think it’s time you had some happiness – and you really do look lovely, Lainie.’

  ‘No wonder we’ve been so busy since you came, Amy. If you are this persuasive with all the customers I’m not surprised they buy more than they intended.’

  ‘But you aren’t a customer and I really do think it suits you.’

  ‘Yes, it does,’ she said. ‘I shall take your advice and wear it this weekend.’ She smiled and looked oddly nervous, unlike herself. ‘Wish me luck?’

  ‘Of course I do – but you don’t need it. Harold loves you. He’s only waiting for you to name the day.’

  ‘If I do decide to marry him, will you design a wedding dress for me? I want something suitable for a woman of my age, nothing like the young girls wear, just elegant and easy to wear.’

  ‘You know I shall – and I shall want to be your maid of honour.’

  Lainie looked at me, the smile fading from her eyes.

  ‘Are you going to be all right here on your own?’

  ‘Yes, of course I am.’

  My mother had wanted me to stay with them while Lainie was away, but I had insisted that I would be perfectly safe at the flat.

  ‘You are all right now, aren’t you, Amy?’

  I turned away from the anxious look in Lainie’s eyes as I answered that I was fine. It wasn’t strictly true. I had stopped worrying about imminent exposure and arrest by the police, but I was still haunted by what had happened that afternoon. Perhaps if I had done something differently, Mary’s father wouldn’t have tried to rape me – and then she wouldn’t have killed him. And perhaps she wouldn’t be the way she was now.

  I woke with a start from the nightmare, lying shivering and afraid for some minutes before I could pull myself together enough to get up and make a cup of cocoa.

  It had been horrible, but it was just a dream, something I must learn to live with or conquer. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that, so I went to the desk in the living room and got out my folder of designs.

  A new idea was forming in my mind. I drew a blank sheet of paper towards me and began to sketch in the outline of a new dress – not the kind of thing I had designed for Mary, but a very sophisticated, expensive dress that one of my new clients might like.

  As it began to take shape on the paper, the horror of the nightmare receded into the background. Work was my salvation. It was what I needed, the only thing that could drive away my fear and my shame.

  I was reading the newspaper when Lainie came in that Sunday evening. I laid it down, looking at her expectantly.

  ‘Anything interesting in the paper?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh the usual – inflation in Germany and some trouble with that man Hitler again. I think they’ve arrested him.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t like the look of him,’ Lainie said. ‘Harold is sure he will cause a lot of trouble before he’s finished. He thinks there will be another war if we’re not careful.’

  ‘Oh, I do hope he is wrong!’ I cried. ‘Surely we couldn’t go to war with Germany ever again?’

  ‘Harold says we should keep them under. If they get on their feet again, they will be back for more.’

  ‘So what else did Harold say?’ I asked. ‘What is his house like? And have you made up your mind about whether you are going to marry him or not?’

  ‘I think I decided on that months ago,’ she said. ‘It was just a question of time.’

  ‘So …?’

  ‘I’ve told him I’ll marry him after Christmas.’

  ‘Oh, Lainie, that’s wonderful news!’ I jumped up and hugged her. ‘I am so very pleased for you.’

  ‘Yes, I’m pleased now,’ Lainie said. ‘It took me a while, but now I’m looking forward to the whole thing.’

  ‘Wait until I tell Mum. She will be over the moon – unless you want to tell her yourself?’

  ‘I’ll let you do that, Amy.’ She smiled at me. ‘I’ve told Harold he should sell the house he inherited. It’s very big and far too grand for me. He thought I might like it, but I prefer his own. It has four bedrooms – plenty of room for guests. You will come and visit us sometimes, Amy?’

  ‘Just try stopping me.’

  ‘Do you think Bridget might come now and then?’

  ‘You know how difficult it is to get my mother away from her own house, but I think she might be persuaded now and then.’

  The telephone rang then and I went to answer it.

  ‘Oh, hello, Millie,’ I said, a little surprised. ‘No. No, I haven’t seen Jane – why?’

  ‘She was asking if Mary was any better. I told her I would ask you.’

  ‘I saw her this morning, and she’s about the same.’

  ‘Oh dear. Well, give her my love when you see her next time – and I’ll be in on Wednesday for my fitting.’

  ‘Yes. I think your dress will be ready by then.’

  I replaced the receiver and went out to the kitchen where Lainie was boiling the kettle.

  ‘Is that girl still with your mother?’ she asked and frowned. ‘Don’t you think it’s time you did something about her?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose it is,’ I agreed. ‘My mother said she would see how she was this week, and then she would have the doctor to her again.’

  ‘In my opinion she should have sent her away at the start. That sort always takes advantage. Give her an inch and she will take a mile.’

  ‘I don’t think Mary even knows where she is most of the time, Lainie. Besides, she doesn’t have anyone but us.’

  Several weeks passed and Mary improved a little, but she was still listless – unable to concentrate or have a proper conversation. I sat with her one Sunday afternoon and told her about the place my mother had been recommended.

  ‘It’s very nice there, Mary,’ I said. ‘You will have a garden to walk in and people to look after you. If you agree to go there the doctors will make you well again.’

  For a moment she looked directly at me.

  ‘Will you come and visit me there, Amy?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I shall always be your friend now, Mary.’

  She smiled at me. ‘It sounds nice,’ she said. ‘Will you and Paul take me there?’

  ‘Terry and I will take you,’ I said. It wasn’t the first time she had spoken of Paul as being alive, and I believed that sh
e was blocking out his death because she couldn’t bear to remember. Perhaps that was why she was also blocking everything else. ‘And I promise I shall visit you sometimes.’

  ‘I should go then,’ she said and for a moment I saw perfect understanding in her eyes. ‘I can’t stay here forever.’

  ‘No, you can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone, Mary.’

  ‘When shall you take me?’

  ‘One day next week, as soon as it can be arranged.’

  ‘Good.’ She smiled and then stared blankly into space. I knew that she had gone back into her own little world, a place where there was no pain and no regret. I was sad and yet I felt that perhaps it was better this way. At least she was not forced to face the pain.

  I was unable to forget either my own grief over Paul’s death or the humiliation of Mr Maitland’s attempt to rape me. They came to haunt me at night when I lay sleepless, although the old nightmare seemed to have faded. It had been replaced by others.

  The only time I could forget was when I was with other people, working and talking. I went out often with Margaret, who seemed to understand that I was hurting inside but made no attempt to pry into my private grief.

  As yet I hadn’t found the courage to see Matthew, though he had telephoned me once or twice asking if we could meet up.

  It happened the afternoon Terry and I returned from taking Mary to her new home. We had gone early in the morning, and stopped for lunch on the way back.

  ‘She seems to have settled in quite nicely,’ Terry said. ‘I had a chat to one of the doctors. He says that she could come out of it at any time.’

  ‘Or stay like that for the rest of her life. I talked to him too, Terry. He told me that victims of trauma can often be like Mary, and he wasn’t too hopeful in her case, because there is a history of mental instability in her family.’

  ‘Did you know that her father’s lawyers have been in touch with Dad? She is quite an heiress, you know. She will have a lot of money waiting for her in trust.’

  ‘Money means nothing to Mary now. She wanted Paul too much, Terry. It was an obsessive love and without that she has nothing.’

  ‘You cared about him too, didn’t you?’