Winning the Game

by Leesa Bow

  It doesn’t take much for my thoughts to backtrack to Rhett. More to the point, what happened this morning. My chest is tight, as though someone has tied the laces of a corset, leaving me no room to breathe. I was close, so close to crumbling. Rhett expects answers tonight, but hopefully, I’ll dodge the bullets, since there’s another surprise eviction, and then Grant wants to meet with him. That gives me more time to act my part, and do what I’m here to do.

  Kaetrin joined me in the gym earlier today. It didn’t take long for us to start chatting, and it was a relief to focus on something other than Rhett. It came as no surprise that we talked more than worked out. She spoke to me about her family, and I appreciated she trusted me enough to discuss the pain of losing a parent as a child, and now caring for her invalid mother. While Kaetrin was at the Commonwealth Games, competing in martial arts, her mother suffered a stroke, and is now in a wheelchair. After losing one parent, she was determined not to lose another, so now she takes care of her mother at home with the help of a nurse during the day. Kaetrin prepares all her mother’s meals, ensuring she eats fresh, healthy foods. While on the show, her mother is in respite. All her mother’s idea, not Kaetrin’s. “She said it’s my chance to find someone, since I don’t get out much,” Kaetrin told me. “My mum’s unselfish like that. She wants me to be happy.”

  But Kaetrin did give up her Olympic dream to care for her mum, unable to put in the long hours of training, which goes hand in hand with being an elite athlete.

  Kaetrin’s story touched my heart, and I wish she could be the winner. She would understand what’s required of a professional footballer, and not be the needy girlfriend, like I think maybe Emma, and Fleur, could become.

  But when I think of Rhett, and life after the show, I get a bad feeling. If he didn’t connect with Kaetrin in the following months, he’d dump her, especially since he still has a wall up, believing it’s impossible to find true love here in reality television.

  Love is complicated. Sometimes it takes time; for others it can be instant. These girls all have their reasons for being here, including my own messed up ones. Regardless of what I want, I have a duty to prove Rhett wrong about falling in love with a stranger. As for Kaetrin, I think she needs a guy more suited to her personality, and have family commitment. The show has been a great break for her, but I don’t think she believes she’ll find love on the show, any more than Rhett does. Her competitive nature as an athlete is what drives her to stay. So I finished my gym session telling her “in confidence with cameras all around us” that connecting with Rhett is a start to getting back into seeing guys again.

  It’s been four years since she’s been on a date. Part of me wants to sign her up for AniMate, because I could see her with a guy like the main star, Sean, surrounded by wild animals and facing challenges every day. Smiling, I make up my mind to speak to Grant about getting Kaetrin on the next show. Often reality television can be a steppingstone for other shows. And Kaetrin is the perfect competitor. She’s pretty, and has the perfect bod for the screen. She enjoys a joke and doesn’t take shit from other contestants. But when she smiles you can’t help smiling along with her, which is probably why I smile at her jokes.

  Like I am now. Laughing, I look across to Emma, who is pouting. “Come on,” I say, after swallowing a mouthful of smoked salmon and cream cheese. “You have to admit it’s weird but funny, coming from Kaetrin.”

  “I don’t get it,” Emma admits. “Who would do that?”

  “Guys like it.” Kaetrin rolls her eyes, but not at Emma. “Because they can’t help the perverted side they lock away when they’re with the ‘right girl’”—she draws imaginary quotes in the air—“but it’s always there. Like anal sex, for instance. If you agree to do it they’re crazy excited, despite the fact you have an awesome, fully functional vagina. It doesn’t make them gay or anything. They’re merely into kinky shit, and if a girlfriend offers to ramp it up, it’s like all their Christmases have come at once.”

  Emma and I gape at her. “You’ve had anal sex?” Emma asks, incredulously.

  “Years ago. I mean, it’s not my thing,” she emphasises. “What? You’ve never tried different things with a boyfriend.”

  “Not that,” Emma gasps.

  Kaetrin shoots me a questioning look. I raise my hands. “Hey, I don’t do boyfriends.”

  Kaetrin grins. “But it didn’t stop you …”

  Emma tilts her head. “You’ve never had a boyfriend. Wait, last night you said …”

  “Tait? I was eighteen and he was my first. And none since,” I confess, happy to answer her over Kaetrin’s last statement.

  Both girls stare at me a moment. Emma nods, then turns to back to Kaetrin. “I can’t stop thinking—”

  “Well don’t. And actually, I haven’t had a boyfriend in years either. So long that all my orifices have been reinstated to virginal status.”

  I snort a laugh at Kaetrin. “Sorry to ruin your new-found virtue, but it doesn’t work that way.”

  “And the smell …”

  “Emma, let it go,” I say and laugh.

  “Obviously you—”

  “What are you girls talking about?” Lucy smiles at Kaetrin. She’s holding a plate of banana cake in one hand, and a coffee in the other.

  “Exes,” I say, and pull out the chair beside me. “And, you know, guys in general.” Lucy places her plate on the table and takes the seat beside me. A floral aroma wafts around us. “Talking of smells, what perfume are you wearing? It smells … exotic.”

  Lucy smiles, and I want to fist pump. “Fragile. It’s been around for years. I like how it’s flowery, with hints of orange and raspberry, and a woody scent. The bottle is pretty too, a night Queen in a snow globe.”

  “Really?” I lean in and inhale the air surrounding her. “Oh Lord, I could eat you. There’s a spicy hint, but I can’t put my finger on it.”

  Lucy giggles, and her girly side surprises me.

  From Lucy’s left, Kaetrin leans in and takes a whiff. I laugh at the way we’re sniffing her, like we’re animals onto a scent. “Eat you? No, unless I was a guy and you had sprayed it down—”

  “I think it’s all about the smell, not the taste,” I interrupt.

  Emma walks over to Lucy and wafts her hand delicately. “Yeah. It screams ‘fuck me.’ God, I need some of that.”

  “It’s the perfume I wear when I want to be daring, like I’m living dangerously,” Lucy says with a devilish grin

  “Perfume can do that?” I ask. “Sheesh, I’m going to have to get out more and shop, because I’ve been using the same fragrance for years.”

  “Me too,” Kaetrin admits.

  “As if you need something more dangerous than your mind,” I say to Kaetrin.

  “It’s my thing,” Lucy says. “Some of the older fragrances are my faves. I even wear some of my brothers’ because the perfumes are unisex.”

  “And they don’t mind?” I have no idea what it’s like to share with siblings, but I imagine brothers to be bossy and territorial.

  “Most the time they don’t know.” Lucy shrugs. “My favourite is Back to Black,” she says softly, as though her brothers can hear her. Well, more than likely they will if our conversation goes to air. But I doubt it. Not like this, unedited with us girls getting along, and having a friendly discussion. “It’s an olfactory aphrodisiac.”

  “Give me a guy with a big nose any day,” Kaetrin pipes up. I shoot Kaetrin a questioning look. “What? I’m just saying.”

  “Then you’ll like my brother,” Lucy adds. “I could introduce you.”

  Whoa.

  To my surprise, Kaetrin doesn’t react. “Sure. Set a time after the show and I’ll check out his nose.” She waggles her eyebrows.

  “You’re incorrigible,” Emma moans. She turns to Lucy. “It would be interesting to see if Rhett reacts to one of us wearing your perfume.”

  “Count me out,” I say quickly. All the girls are staring at me. “Strong perfume and I
don’t mix,” I add. “I don’t mind the smell, but when it’s on my skin it gives me a headache.”

  Lucy gives me a confused look before turning back to Emma. “You can try it tonight if you want?”

  “You can throw some my way,” Kaetrin says. “Won’t hurt.”

  Paige strolls into the room and we immediately stop talking. “Sorry to break up the party, ladies, but we need you all showered and one of you back here in half an hour. Hair and make-up takes time.”

  Emma stands. “Why? What’s special about tonight?”

  “You know I can’t reveal any secrets, Emma. Do you want me to book you in with Adele first?”

  Emma is Paige’s girl. Emma runs her fingers through her long, brown hair, assessing it. “Yes. I need to wash my hair and I want a striking style.”

  “Then go and stop your gossiping.”

  Emma waves to everyone before leaving, and then Paige looks toward Kaetrin. “Do you want first spot for make-up?”

  “No. I’m going to take a quick swim ’cause it might be my last. If there’s an eviction tonight, then I mightn’t get the chance to swim whenever I want. So slot me in last.”

  I’m not sure if she’s smart and scheming by grabbing the last spot, so her make-up will remain fresh, or whether she’s being sincere about the pool.

  The moment Paige leaves us, Lucy’s gaze darts between Kaetrin and me. “You think there’s an eviction?”

  I shrug my shoulders. Lucy’s eyes narrow. “There is. It’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

  “Nope,” I say quickly. “Definitely not why I’m here.”

  “Lucy,” Kaetrin says, demanding her attention. “If I go home, I expect you to keep your word and hook me up with your brother.” She winks at Lucy. “Well, I’m heading to the pool. See you babes tonight,” she says, and then strolls out of the room.

  I’m a little jealous of Kaetrin’s attitude and wish I could be more like her. Lucy pivots so she faces me, but says nothing. “I can’t tell you anything,” I begin. “But you can trust me. I’m on your side,” I say and watch her expression change. “Now go and shower. I’ll catch you tonight.”

  TORI

  Every part of me is trembling.

  I mentally apologise to the universe for getting annoyed at contestants on reality shows, with their desperate expressions, and pining, on eviction night. Now, standing in front of everyone, facing the cameras, I underestimated how terrifying it is to wait for Rhett’s verdict. Waves of emotion roll over me, one after the other, until I’m a quivering mess. Fear of rejection escalates, and then exacerbates all other fears, until I’m feeling desperate for him to pick me, because then I won’t have to question why he didn’t like me, which would lead to an ocean of self-doubt, highlight imperfections, and enforce inferiority. Standing in a line, the other girls and I are displayed like prizes before Rhett and James, both men formally discussing events that unfolded during the week. During this time, we, the contestants, are not allowed a voice. It’s more distressing than the time I went to court for not paying a speeding ticket and driving an unregistered vehicle when I was nineteen. I may have been rebellious toward my parents after the Bahamas, but the stint in court with lawyers cross-examining me, and not being allowed to speak unless directed to do so, was enough to pull me back into line.

  The thought of public humiliation rears its ugly head and has my inner voice silently bargaining, praying for another chance. It’s my Achilles heel, the biggest of all my fears, even though Ingrid has assured me Rhett will not send me home. I can’t help thinking that after today he may have changed his mind. I continue to doubt myself, because, the way he keeps looking at me, I can’t tell if he’s happy or annoyed. At this moment, I’m aware of the other girls beside me, and how they will be feeling. The room is so electrified, with nervous energy bouncing off the walls, it could provide enough electricity for the whole city, and it makes me want to pass out.

  James hands Rhett a box. Rhett stares at it a moment, like he’s contemplating his next words. When he looks up his eyes find mine. There’s a sense of peace in his expression. It calms me, until he says my name.

  “Victoria.” He waits for a few seconds. “Contest surprised me with your sudden inclusion. I apologise if I didn’t welcome you as warmly as I should have. I know it’s hard for you to come into the game this late, but I’m excited for the opportunity to get to know you. Will you accept this bracelet and charm?”

  My heartbeat is pounding in my ears, and I’m breathing as though I’ve just run a marathon. “Yes,” I breathe more than say. “Of course.” My knees wobble with the first few steps I take toward him.

  Rhett removes the bracelet from the box. When I reach him, he looks down at me with hungry eyes. “You look beautiful tonight,” he says genuinely. “If you’re happy to remain here and want to get to know me better, then I’d like you to accept this charm, representing the final four.”

  “Thank you.” I smile as relief fills me to my core. Then I stiffen, realising what the girls would be thinking, and how one of them will be going home tonight, and not receive the final-four charm. On paper, the script and program looked reasonable. Standing in their shoes as one of the contestants, it’s a tough gig, and it no longer seems fair.

  Walking to the side of the room, I sense the girls’ eyes on me, silent accusations firing like bullets. When I reach a designated point I stop and turn. Unable to set my gaze toward the girls, I look at the camera and take joy in the lights blinding me. I’m looking at nothing but white light. It’s a contrast to the dark thoughts creeping into my head.

  For the next few minutes I zone out, not hearing anything as I focus on what I need to do for the next few days. It’s the best way to calm my nerves. Ingrid came to my room before the ceremony and revealed what surprises Grant has up his sleeve. At least tomorrow Rhett will be in Perth with Kaetrin, and I’ll have more time with Lucy.

  I’m acutely aware of the temperature dropping in the room after James’ tone switches. Emma is standing alone. Fleur, Kaetrin, and Lucy are standing near me, but the space between us is chilly.

  Emma looks down, then back to Rhett, then down again. My heart cracks, realising she doesn’t know where to look, and she’s about to cry any second. My gaze shoots to Rhett, and he honestly looks distraught. It’s enough to make my eyes well.

  “Emma,” he whispers. “I’m sorry this has to be you.” Emma nods vehemently. “May I walk you out?”

  “Yes,” she rasps. She walks over to Rhett and he takes her hand. Together they walk through the steel-and-jarrah double doors to the garden path. Someone is holding the doors open for them on the other side, then the doors close. Before they do, I get a glimpse of the cameraman outside, waiting to follow them. A glimpse of the gardens lined with fairy lights, and extra plastic roses no doubt. I know how much effort and money is put into making the scenery look romantic, appealing to a girl’s fantasy. I only hope the same effort is put into helping Emma through the disappointment. Anthony will be waiting on the other side, but now she’s eliminated I wonder how obliging she’ll be before her final interview. My guess is Grant and Dale will want her to lash out in the interview and receive counselling later, to help with ratings in the last week of the show.

  “Thank you, ladies, you may all stay for a drink if you wish, or do whatever. If any of you would like to be interviewed, then come with me to the dining room. James will be with us soon.” Ingrid looks at Fleur and Lucy.

  “I will,” Lucy says and walks over to Ingrid.

  “I will also,” Fleur pipes up.

  “I don’t mind,” Kaetrin volunteers, and it surprises me.

  “I’ll head up to bed,” I say. “See you all tomorrow.”

  “Night, Victoria,” Kaetrin says, and she’s the only one to say it.

  In a routine similar to last night, I scrub thick make-up from my face and brush my hair straight. This time it doesn’t seem enough. Instead of crawling into bed with thoughts of Rhett crushing my
heart, tonight I’m consumed with not wanting to hurt the girls, especially Kaetrin, who is the closest to a friend I’ve had in years. But like everything else in my life it’s fake. I’m forging phoney friendships with girls I’ll probably never see again, on a simulated show about finding love. Reality is being manipulated and controlled by the producers, and what the viewers see on the television is only a small part of the truth.

  I step into the shower to wash the remnants of the night away. The sound of the shower helps clear my head, and I’m thinking about Rhett. What surprised me most was how Rhett acted the perfect gentleman to all the girls. He remained cool but receptive. But when it came to Emma, my chest ached in wanting to help her through the pain, and to soothe Rhett. Because Rhett was the kind, sincere guy all the contestants have grown to love, and he obviously struggled asking Emma to go home.

  Rhett is performing much better than I gave him credit for, and I wonder how much is an act and what is him. The curiosity has me thinking about what he said to Emma tonight when they were alone.

  After drying off, I grab a tank top and pull it over my head, not bothering with pyjamas or sexy lingerie. I’m curled up in bed, wishing for the week to pass quickly so I can go home.

  A short time later, I’m woken from a light sleep, hearing my name.

  There’s a knock on the door, and Rhett says my name once more. I don’t move or say anything.

  He knocks twice more, and my heart lurches every time he whispers my name. If I answer the door I know I’ll give in to him, because my heart is reaching out to him too.

  Ignoring his plea, I roll over and force my eyes shut. It’s killing me not to go to him when he needs me. Then I remind myself I’m no longer working alongside Rhett, and ignoring him is best, and only fair to the other contestants.