Dark Cognitions

by Kimberlee R. Mendoza

  If only she could be that way. Maybe some of the ideas people had about her would go away. She wasn’t a blonde bimbo. She graduated top of her class in college, ministered in her church, and hadn’t had a real date in over three years. Just because she flirted with Brian once or twice, before she knew his marital status, everyone assumed terrible things—things that she would never do. It amazed her how one mistake—an innocent one at that—affected her so fast. She winced at the thought.

  Ray joined her, sitting in the booth across from her. He tore a wrapper from his straw, crumbled it into a ball and tossed it aside. “You going to eat?” he asked, eyeing her sealed food.

  She grinned. “Yeah, I was just being polite, waiting for you.”

  “Well, thank you, but you didn’t have to wait.” He winked, and stuffed his straw into the lid of his cup. “Dig in, please.”

  She unwrapped the cellophane from the top of her California salad and then smothered it in blue cheese dressing. The grilled chicken and avocado looked great. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a bit hungry with Ray less than five feet away.

  “How long have you worked here, Ms. Tyler?”

  “Danielle, please.” She shook a packet of sweetener and dumped it in her iced tea. “About six months.”

  He cleared his throat and met her stare. “I need to ask you something a tad embarrassing. I hope you won’t be offended.”

  Oh no, he found out I like him. This can’t be good. She swallowed and nodded. “Go ahead.”

  “It would be helpful for me if you’re honest, but I’ll respect your privacy.”

  “OK,” she said gnawing nervously on a carrot.

  “How well do you know Dr. Manifold?”

  Danielle peered out the window, now afraid of where this conversation might end. “I see him every day. I wouldn’t say we’re friends, but I’m well aware of his presence.”

  “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have to know if”—He pursed his lips for a moment. “Did you and he ever”—

  “Did we ever get together?” she finished for him.

  Ray nodded, but his gaze remained focused on his plate.

  “No,” she said. “We flirted a little. But when I found out he was a married man, well, despite what people might think around here, I’m not that type of woman.”

  “I see.” Ray took a sip of his soda. “The man I knew would never have flirted with you. He loved his wife. I’m disturbed by what’s happening to him.”

  “I understand. I think he’s a nice man, Dr. Jensen.”

  “Have you noticed anything else going on with him?”

  The other day flooded her memory. She bit her lip, considering if she should tell.

  “What?”

  “Yeah, I suppose I did, once.” Danielle glanced around the room and lowered her voice. “He called me at home, drunk, around one in the morning.”

  “At home?”

  “Yeah. It was pretty odd. I didn’t even know he knew my number.”

  “Did you tell anyone this before now?”

  She shook her head. “I was afraid to. Like I said, he’s a nice guy. I really hate to get him in trouble.”

  “I think he’s doing a nice enough job of that himself.” Ray frowned. “Thanks, Ms. Tyler. You’ve been real helpful.” He clutched his tray and rose to go. “I’ll let you enjoy your lunch now.”

  He couldn’t leave.

  Danielle looked him in the eye. “You didn’t finish your food.”

  “I wasn’t really hungry. I just needed a chance to talk to you.” He scooted his chair out. “Thanks for your time.”

  “Sure.”

  He grinned, a gorgeous smile that lit up his face and her heart. “I’ll be seeing you around. Be sure to take a break now and then.”

  “I will,” she said, staring at him like a schoolgirl with an enormous crush.

  “Bye.”

  He waved and sauntered down the hall.

  Danielle couldn’t stop smiling, nor could she really eat. Though the subject matter of their meal wasn’t all that enjoyable, the idea of it was. He was such a great guy. It hurt her feelings that the only reason he lunched with her was for information. But that information was important for them. Now that she’d put the rumors to rest in his mind, maybe, just maybe, he’d ask her out for a real date someday. The subtle looks he sent her way gave her hope. Of course, his mind was obviously preoccupied with all things Dr. Manifold.

  ****

  Brian was grateful to be back at work. The majority of his patients were troubled teens on their way to Juvenile Hall, but he loved his young patients. He’d chosen the subject of peer rejection for his dissertation, primarily because a lot of his clients blamed inferiority for their destructive social situations. Some turned to drugs or gang activity. Others sought suicidal or homicidal solutions to make them feel alive—if only for the moment.

  The door opened to his office and a young man entered, dressed in layers of black, spiked hair, and covered in piercings.

  Jake. His new patient’s former address was Juvenile Hall, but now he lived in a halfway house awaiting trial.

  Brian gave himself a mental pat on the back for taking on such a difficult patient. “So, Jake, tell me why you were arrested?” Brian settled back into his leather chair and studied the boy.

  “Man, I was framed.” The pale youth nudged his black combat boot against the side of the coffee table and smiled as a crystal figurine dropped onto the floor.

  Brian picked up the figurine and met his stare. “You know, you aren’t the first person to say that to me.”

  “I’m sure.” He glanced around the room, apparently trying to avoid Brian’s stare.

  Brian repositioned himself to address his patient better. “As a matter of fact, it is the most common phrase uttered in this office.”

  “Yeah?” The young man slumped back and stared at the ceiling.

  Brian studied the chart in his lap. This isn’t working. He had to change tactics. “So, what I’m to understand is, you didn’t do it?”

  “Yeah, man, that’s what I said.” Jake stood and paced the room.

  “Suppose you tell me why the police think you murdered someone?”

  Jake didn’t look up from his pacing. “I was at the wrong place—”

  “At the wrong time.”

  “Now you get it, Doc. I didn’t do it.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Nah.”

  Brian swallowed and worked to keep his tone low and his voice impassive. “What do you propose we do with our time, then?”

  “Beats me.” Jake shrugged. “I didn’t ask to be here.”

  Brian crossed to where Jake stood, grabbed a fairly new black book from the bookshelf and held it out.

  Jake recoiled as if the book was on fire. “What’s that for?”

  “It’s a Bible.”

  “I know it’s a Bible, man.” He glared at Brian. “I want to know why you’re trying to give it to me. I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not some religious freak.”

  Brian smiled. “It’s simple. You can do one of two things with our time. You can sit down and talk to me about what really happened, or you can read this. My wife calls this book ‘truth,’ and since that is what I need from you, I think you could use some of it yourself.” Brian turned and walked back to his seat.

  “You’re weird.”

  Brian shrugged and grabbed his cup of coffee. “I’ve been called worse.”

  Jake puckered his lips and stared at the Bible. Slowly, he glanced from the book to Brian. “Fine.” The boy snatched the book, plopped on the couch, flung his boots onto the armrest, and cracked it open.

  In all the years Brian had pulled that trick, Jake was the first person to take him up on it. And the least likely. Brian sat in amazement as the ghostly-pale adolescent read the world’s most controversial book.

  Brian was not a Christian man by any means, but Rhonda was a devout believer and had given him the Bible as a bi
rthday gift a few years ago.

  He’d opened it a few times to read about the life of Jesus. He found the story of Jesus’ rejection intriguing, especially in light of Brian’s theories on peer rejection. Puzzling how a noble man like Jesus could have the sympathetic ear of the people one day and their insistent call for death the next.

  Brian sighed and returned to his desk. What else to do, but let Jake read the Bible for the rest of the hour? It couldn’t hurt.

  When the timer went off, Jake tossed the Bible on the couch and stretched. “I guess I’ll see you next week. Thanks for the session, Doc.”

  Brian glanced at his watch and nodded.

  The young man waved over his shoulder and ambled out the door.

  Brian placed the Bible back on the shelf. Someone moved behind him. He spun around.

  “Hey,” Ray said, entering Brian’s office. “I hear your research is finally published. That’s great. I look forward to having a signed copy.”

  Brian frowned. Good day over. “What do you want, Ray? I have an appointment in a few minutes, and I still need to read her chart.”

  “Why are you never excited to see me anymore?” Ray grabbed a piece of candy from the coffee table and popped it in his mouth.

  “Because…every time you visit this floor, something’s wrong.” Brian walked behind his desk.

  “That hurts.”

  Brian rolled his eyes, and began writing in a file in hopes that Ray would take the hint and leave. When he didn’t, Brian asked, “Do you deny it?”

  “Deny what?”

  Brian stopped writing and looked up. “Why are you here, Ray?”

  “OK, you caught me.” He smirked and shut the door. “We need to talk.”

  Ray sat.

  Brian did not.

  “Brian,” Ray said, his tone flat and taut. “You know I care about you, so I hate to be the bad guy.”

  Brian snorted. Yeah, right. He noticed the tightness in Ray’s jaw. Here we go.

  “Things aren’t going well for you.”

  “What isn’t going well? My calendar is full. I’m about to be published. Life is great!” Brian offered the cheesiest smile he could muster.

  “Brian, you know this hospital isn’t a private practice. You work for them. They sign your check; you’re under their rules. That means you need to be at work at nine o’clock every morning and you need to stay until six. You show respect and you maintain a certain level of dignity.” Ray’s voice rose, but Brian could tell he was holding back. “You’re failing on all counts.”

  “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. So, I’ve been late a few times.”

  “Come on, Brian. When was the last time you came to a mandatory council meeting?”

  Brian pretended to think about that. “Hmm? It’s been a while… “

  “Try months. And how many times have you been late in the last few weeks?”

  “Listen, things are hard at home right now. I’ve been dealing with stuff that sometimes makes it hard to get here on time.” It was sort of the truth. “I’ll try to do better.”

  “I completely understand. What happened to you would shake any man.” Ray leaned forward. “That’s why I really think you need to take some time off and—”

  “No! I told you before, I need to work.”

  Ray stared at him a moment before responding. “Fine. But you need to know that I won’t be able to protect you much longer. It’ll soon be out of my hands. If you keep messing up, the hospital will recommend that you go to the licensing board for evaluation.”

  “What?” Brian stood with tightened fists positioned on his desk. “That’s ridiculous! I thought you said you were my friend.”

  “I am your friend, Brian.” Ray sighed. “That’s why I’m here. To assist you. To warn you. Whatever it takes to help you succeed.”

  “No,” Brian said through clenched teeth, “you’re here to tell me to get my act together because I am starting to make you look bad.”

  Ray shook his head. “Did I, or did I not, come down here yesterday and tell you to be at the meeting.”

  “Yeah…so?”

  “I did that out of friendship. I knew that Dr. Jai would be in attendance and would be looking for you…and when the hospital VP looks for someone, he’d better find them.” Ray stepped forward and placed his hand on the edge of Brian’s desk. “I’ve risked my own position to defend you, and you’re right; your negligence is starting to reflect on me.” Ray sighed. “But, I do care. I don’t want you to fail. I have your best interest in mind. You have to believe that.”

  Sure I do. “Look, I don’t need your help. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “How can you say that?” Ray shook his head. “Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said?”

  “Look, my next client will be here any moment. I really have to get prepared.”

  Ray stared at Brian’s desk, and then backed toward the door. “I’ll go for now. But you need to know that I’m truly worried about you. If you don’t get help soon, I’ll be forced to disclose what I know about your job performance.”

  Brian narrowed his eyes. “And you’ll just be doing your job, right?”

  “Yes, that’s right.”

  Brian gave Ray a sardonic grin, and for an awkward moment, both men glared at each other.

  “Very well. I’ll talk to you later.” Ray turned and left without another word.

  Brian sighed with relief. He looked at his calendar and saw that he had a full schedule after lunch. I can’t go home, and yet, I don’t feel like working, either. He opened the drawer to the right of his desk, removed a small leather flask, and glanced at the door before unscrewing the cap. He placed the mouthpiece on his lips and shot his head back. The liquid burned his throat. Squinting against the power of the drink, Brian replaced the cap on the bottle.

  Rhonda hated that he drank.

  It’s all those church goodie-goodies. Whatever her reason, he tried to keep his habit to himself. Of course, it isn’t really a habit. He just used the occasional nip to calm his nerves. Unfortunately, his nerves were more raw than usual lately. He shrugged it off. She’s too preoccupied with sleeping to notice.

  His phone buzzed. He flicked the intercom button. “Yes?”

  “Ms. Robinson is here to see you.”

  “Send her in.” He sighed loudly. Back to work.

  7

  Danielle stared at the clock wondering where Ray was this morning. A dozen times, she tried to call him, ask him out. But instead, she was a big chicken staring at the minute hand creeping by. I wonder what he did last night. Is he dating anyone?

  “Are you working today?” Brian asked.

  Danielle glanced up, startled. “Um, yeah. Guess I just drifted off for a moment. Did you need something Dr. Manifold?”

  “Brian, please.” He winked.

  She dropped her gaze, ashamed that she’d just been too friendly. How did she shoo him away without being rude? Maybe I need to be rude. “Listen, Dr. Manifold, this is hard to say…” She took a deep breath. “Look, I know you’re married.”

  His smile disappeared.

  “I think you’re a nice man and all, but under the circumstances, I think we need to be nothing more than professional colleagues.”

  “And what? You thought we were something else?” He crossed his arms, narrowed his eyes. “I would expect more from you, Ms. Tyler.”

  “Yes, sir. Of course, sir.” Her stomach twisted in pain. This man had the ability to have her fired. Though his flirting was real, it would be her word against his. And he would win. “May I help you with something?”

  He cleared his throat. “I was wondering if you’ve seen Dr. Jensen.”

  “No.” Her pulse quickened at the thought of her real interest. “He’s usually here by now.”

  “Yes, well, have a good day,” He said under his breath as he turned, but loud enough that she could hear. “Now I know I will.”

  The elevator opened and Ray stepped
out.

  Danielle sat upright, hoping she looked OK. Truthfully, she had been taking a bit longer to get ready lately. She imagined her Uncle Ison saying, “To catch a fish, you need some bait.”

  Ray walked to the counter and smiled. “Good morning.”

  “Hi,” she said nervously. “Did you come down here to see Dr. Manifold?”

  “No. Why?”

  “He was just looking for you.”

  His eyebrow rose. “Really?”

  She didn’t mention Brian’s last comment. “Yeah. He didn’t say what he wanted.”

  “OK, thanks.” Ray nodded, and started to walk away.

  “Dr. Jensen?”

  He faced her again. “Yes?”

  “If he wasn’t the reason you came down here, what was?”

  “I’ll share that with you later.” He winked and continued to Brian’s office.

  ****

  Ray sat in his own high-backed brown leather chair and sighed. His encounter with Brian hadn’t gone so well. Not that he hadn’t known that would be the case. I hate this. It’s hard to believe we were best friends once. Ten years of college filled with tough classes, campus politics, and even falling for the same girl our first year. Ray smiled at the memory. Of course, Ray never had the guts to ask her out, so Brian won the girl.

  Ray’s gaze drifted to the harbor outside the window; his smile slid away. How did it get to this? The Brian he knew was gone and unreachable. I know it’s been hard since the accident, but… Another sigh escaped. The pressure is squashing him, and there is nothing I can do to help him.

  He reached into his drawer and withdrew a bag of soy crisp cakes. Staring at the dried cracker, he grimaced. He hated them, but after finding out he was prone to diabetes, his doctor insisted he cut back on regular snacks.

  He bit into the cracker and sighed. I feel OK. But the doctors knew differently. Brian was the same. He says he feels fine, but inside his soul is screaming. Lord, please help Brian. He needs You, and only You can get him through this.

  The phone rang.

  He answered and winced. “Mother.”

  “Why haven’t you called me?”

  “I meant to, but things are a little crazy here at the office.” He tossed his half-eaten cracker into the garbage and sighed. “What do you need? I’m a bit busy.”