Dark Cognitions

by Kimberlee R. Mendoza

Brian sat up in his chair, angry. Somehow, this kid was getting to him. “We’re here to talk about you, Jake. Our sessions have rules. The first being, we only address your needs. Never mine. Is that understood?”

  “You’re hiding something, Doc. Aren’t you?”

  “That’s enough!” Brian took in a deep breath to calm himself. “It’s late, anyway. I think it’s time you go.”

  Jake had a satisfied look on his face as he strutted to the door. “Guess I’ll be seeing you, shrink.”

  “Goodnight, Jake.”

  Jake shut the door behind him.

  Brian collapsed against the wall. His heart raced. Sweat poured down his face. He hurried to his desk and frantically searched for a flask.

  Jake’s words echoed. You’re hiding something, Doc. Aren’t you?

  9

  Brian stepped out of the elevator and into the florescent-illuminated garage. His vehicle sat alone in the empty lot. The tall white columns produced shadows on his car. A surge of adrenaline pumped through Brian’s veins. He glanced around before unlocking his car door.

  Why had his session with Jake frightened him? Never had he been so unnerved by a patient before. He saw similar kids at least four to five times a week. Why was this one any different? Something about Jake disturbed him, and he couldn’t deduce its origin.

  Brian turned the key and the engine bellowed. A figure appeared next to his window. He jumped; his heart fell to his stomach. He looked again. The night security guard, Bernie, stood to his right. Brian let the window down. “Hi, Bernie.”

  The security guard placed his hand on Brian’s door and leaned in. “Hi, Dr. Manifold. You OK?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  Bernie looked around the lot and back to Brian. “You just seem a bit jumpy, and there’s been some strange noises here tonight. I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”

  Brian shrugged. “I’m fine, really.”

  “You see anybody out of the ordinary?”

  A wave of nausea rolled through his stomach. “Um, I had a patient stay a bit later than usual, but he’s gone now.”

  Bernie stepped back and nodded. “OK, then. See you tomorrow, sir.”

  “Goodnight,” Brian said. He pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto to the main road. His body tensed and he sucked in a deep breath. His pulse still pulsated out of control. Why am I so on edge? Jake is just like all the other kids. Get a grip.

  Brian flipped on his radio and found a classic rock station. He unrolled the window and inhaled the damp night air. It felt great on his face. He started to relax, but then he remembered his destination.

  Home.

  His stomach hurt again.

  ****

  Ray stared at Danielle across the break room. Why couldn’t he get up the nerve to ask her out? It was obvious something existed between them. Never had he felt this attracted towards anyone.

  He saw Brian cross past the door and Ray’s spirits soured. Maybe now wasn’t the time. Keeping his best friend in check was a full time job.

  “Are you OK?” Danielle asked Ray.

  He glanced up into the beautiful eyes. “Um, sure. Why do you ask?”

  She slid into the seat across from him. “You just seem sad.”

  “Maybe I am.”

  She looked him in the eye, with a genuine expression of concern. “Is it about Dr. Manifold?”

  That surprised him. Was he that transparent? Or had she figured that out from their few conversations about him? “Yeah.”

  “How’s he doing?”

  “Not so good.” He took a sip of his coffee and sighed. “I’m really worried about him. We used to do everything together before the accident.”

  “Accident?”

  “It’s a long story.” He took a sip of coffee and sighed. “I just wish I could help him.”

  Danielle reached out and laid her hand softly on his.

  A tingling sensation shot up his arm, but he didn’t pull away. “Just remember he’s your friend, not your patient.”

  He met her eyes, again surprised by her. “Yeah, I know.” So many people assumed Danielle was shallow. “Blonde bimbo” had been a common description. But the more Ray talked to her, the more he realized the staff of this hospital didn’t have a clue.

  “You have to give him to God,” Danielle added.

  He glanced down at her hand and allowed his pinky to wrap hers. “That’s what I’m trying to do.”

  “Then you’re doing enough.”

  Ray locked gazes with her, and for the first time in years wanted to kiss someone.

  10

  Brian walked in the living room just in time to see Lara open the front door and scream. “Oh no! I missed the bus again.”

  He walked behind her and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t worry; I’m actually on time today. I can drop you off.”

  “Are you sure, Daddy?” Lara grabbed her backpack from her feet, slammed the door closed and followed her father to the driveway.

  “Yes, I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” He pulled a small fallen branch from his windshield and pushed a remote to unlock the car door.

  “No reason.” She climbed in the passenger side, tossed her pack in the back seat and turned to face him. “Do you think you can drop me off on Navaho Road?”

  “That’s a block away from school,” he said, confused.

  “Yeah, so.”

  “Yeah, so? Why would you want me to drop you off a block away from school?”

  “No reason,” she said and glanced out her window.

  Brian stared at the back of her head, unsure what to say. Finally, he turned the key in the ignition and backed out of the driveway.

  Neither spoke on the short drive.

  About a block away from school, Lara pointed to the curb. “Here’s fine.”

  He maneuvered the car to the curb and frowned. “You and me. We’ve always been close, right?”

  She faced him and smiled. “Yeah. Of course, Daddy. The closest.”

  “Then what’s going on?”

  She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Nothing, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about, OK?” She opened the door and snatched her backpack. “See you tonight.”

  “Bye.” Brian watched as his daughter walked in the direction of her school. His mind spun impossible scenarios. No way was he ready for her to be grown up. She was the one thing left in his world worth living for. If she was too mature to have her old man drop her off at school, that wasn’t good.

  He pulled back onto the road, his jaw tense, another chunk of his heart stripped away.

  ****

  “Hi,” Danielle said, as she stepped in the elevator next to Ray.

  “Hi.” He smiled.

  The door closed and emotionally charged tension radiated between them.

  He looked especially handsome today in a charcoal suit, striped black shirt and silver tie. His hair was purposely messy and he smelled amazing.

  “So, I was thinking—”

  She pivoted her head slightly toward him. “Yes?”

  “I know this is last minute, but tonight I have tickets to the Civic Center to see a show. Interested?”

  Fireworks shot off in her chest. She swallowed to retain some sort of composure. “Yeah. That’d be great.” Danielle focused back on the door, trying to steady her breathing. She had a date with the doctor. “So, you’re a cultured man?”

  “I don’t know about that. The tickets were a gift from a colleague.”

  The door slid open. She stepped out, and then turned back. “See you tonight, then?”

  “Or before.” He winked and the door closed behind him.

  Danielle practically skipped to her car. She had come down to get a snack from the vending machine. What great timing. Was it possible that just happened? Or ordained by her heavenly Father? She smiled, and then sighed. If only she had a girlfriend to tell—someone she could call up and shriek into the phone, “I have a date with Ray Jensen.” But she didn
’t.

  She passed the break room, to the parking lot, climbed in her car, blasted the music and screamed. Now she’d never get any work done today. Maybe it was time to take her break.

  ****

  Brian watched Jake for almost an hour. The young man sat on Brian’s couch engrossed in the Bible that lay in his lap. After their encounter the night before, Brian assumed Jake would be willing to talk this morning. “Well, Jake, your hour is almost up. With the progress we were making, I had assumed you’d want to talk today. Are you sure you don’t want to continue our conversation from last night?”

  “Nah.” Jake turned the page, and continued to read.

  “You do know that this is the time you should talk to me. Not after hours. Next time I will have to report you.” Brian stared at Jake, waiting for a reaction.

  “I’d think you’d be stoked that we had such a fatty rap.” Jake’s boots clanked to the floor.

  “I’m sorry. Fatty rap?” Brian raised an eyebrow. That’s a new one.

  “You know, blow. Lay it down.” Jake smiled. “Or for you old timers—a groovy talk.”

  “Very funny,” Brian said. “Yes, I was glad that you opened up some, but I’d like you to continue moving forward in your therapy.”

  “You know, for an atheist, I’m surprised you keep a Bible.”

  Brian shifted in his chair. “Who said I’m an atheist?”

  “I can tell.” Jake closed the book and tossed it on the coffee table. “Well, it’s been stimulating, Doc. I’ll be seeing you.”

  Brian peered over his glasses. “You still have ten minutes.”

  “My eyes are tired, and I have nothing to say, other than ‘I’ll see you next week.’”

  “You know, Jake, you’ll never get better if you aren’t willing to talk.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably true.” Jake smirked, and then turned for the door, bumping into Lara.

  “Sorry,” Lara said averting her eyes.

  “No worries.” Jake grinned. “What’s up, kid?”

  Lara peered past him to her dad.

  “Goodbye, Jake,” Brian said, joining her.

  Jake backed out slowly, keeping his eye on her as he did.

  When the door shut, Brian said, “Hi Sweetie, how’d you get here?”

  “The trolley.” She walked to the couch and perched on its arm. “Hey, if I sit here, will you psychoanalyze me?”

  “Very funny, but no.” Brian sat below her on the couch.

  “Why not? I bet I have tons of secrets that could use therapy.”

  “Because if you needed counseling you would go to someone you don’t know.” He cradled her chin in his hand. “Not me.”

  “Why not? I like you. You’re the coolest adult I know.”

  “Because going to therapy with your father isn’t healthy and it would be counter-productive.”

  “Hmm…that’s too bad.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “‘Cause it’d be free.” She giggled.

  Brian tickled her side.

  “OK, truce.” She giggled and squirmed away.

  “Why are you here, Lara? Shouldn’t you be in school?”

  She walked to the window and peeked out the blinds. “The beach looks really pretty from here.”

  “You’re avoiding the question.” Brian joined her at the window.

  “What? Aren’t you happy to see your one-and-only daughter?” She posed with one hand on her hip and the other at her face.

  “Yes, Lara, I’m always happy to see you. But I have a full schedule today and you have school.”

  She turned away and sighed dramatically. “Dad, I just came because I felt bad about this morning.”

  “It’s fine. I understand that you’re getting older and it’s not cool to hang out with your dad.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Dad. I love being with you. It’s just…” She half-grinned. “Someday I’ll explain. I’m not ready yet. But I love you, Daddy.”

  “And I love you, too, sweetheart.” He kissed the top of her head.

  “Since I’m here, can we hang out?” She grabbed his hand and pouted like she did when she was little.

  “I wish.” He touched her cheek and mimicked her pout. “Unfortunately, like I said, I have a full schedule. Maybe Saturday we could go out to lunch or something. Would you like that?”

  She dropped her gaze to the floor with a real pout. “I guess that would be OK.”

  The phone interrupted them.

  “That’s probably my next appointment. You’d better get going.”

  “OK, I’ll see you at home.” She kissed his cheek and left.

  Brian picked up the phone.

  “Your next appointment is here, sir,” his secretary said.

  “Send her in.”

  A gangly young woman in her mid-thirties entered.

  “Ah, Mrs. Myers. Please be seated.”

  Brian had counseled Annette Myers for almost three years. She suffered from manic depression and bulimia. Her husband had left her years earlier for another woman and she never recovered.

  Mrs. Myers settled on the couch, timid and insecure.

  Brian sat across from her, poised with the usual pad and pen.

  “So, tell me about your week.”

  She licked her lips and adjusted her glasses. Breathing deeply, a small tear trickled from her eye. “Not so good, I’m afraid.”

  Brian reached for the tissue box. “Tell me, Mrs. Myers, why wasn’t it a good week?”

  She sniffled. “I was cleaning out my garage and I found old”—she inhaled—”pictures of us.” And then she burst into tears.

  The “ritual” began. Mrs. Myers had exhibited the same breakdown every week since the day he started seeing her. She’d cry and he’d console her; she’d vent and he’d give her homework.

  Though Brian wanted her to improve, he had to admit, he secretly found comfort in their weekly routine. The hour soon ended, and he showed Mrs. Myers to the door.

  “I can’t believe it’s time to leave so soon.” She managed a slight smile.

  “Yes, I’m afraid so, but I’ll see you next week.”

  “Thank you, doctor. You’re such an angel.” She patted his hand.

  “Goodbye, Mrs. Myers.”

  She started to walk out the door, and then turned back. “Dr. Manifold?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’ll be praying for you.”

  Brian blinked. “Thanks, but I don’t really need prayer.”

  She shook her head. “I may not be a psychologist, doctor, but I can tell when a soul is hurting. Good day.” And she was gone.

  Brian didn’t have time to digest her words.

  The phone rang.

  “Yes?” he said. “Send her in.”

  Krissy entered dressed in a short black dress and her usual four-inch heels.

  Brian swallowed and met her at the couch.

  Obviously, she was used to having men find her attractive.

  “Dr. Manifold, I know I am not on your calendar today, but I needed to talk to you.”

  “Sure, I have a moment. Have a seat.” He motioned for her to sit on the couch, but she remained standing.

  “I’ve decided I’m not crazy, and I don’t need a shrink anymore.”

  “I see. And why do you feel that way?”

  She moved gracefully towards him, her hips swaying like a metronome. “I like you, Dr. Manifold. And I really don’t want anything to stand in our way.”

  “I told you, I’m married.”

  “Yes, you did…” she leaned over and brushed her lips over his. She reached for his glasses, but hesitated. “You remind me of someone.”

  Brian stepped behind his chair. “Look, I like you too, but you have a boyfriend and I have a wife.”

  She walked around the back of the chair and caressed his arm with her finger. Her touch sent a chill though-out his body. “I don’t care.” She leaned and kissed him again.

  He didn’t resist.

 
; “He’s out of jail,” she whispered.

  Brian tried to clear his head. “Who?”

  “My ex, Jake. He’s out of jail.”

  Brian’s heart picked up speed. He took a step back. “Jake?”

  “Yeah. He was sent away for murdering some girl.”

  Brian felt weak. Jake? My Jake? “You need to go.”

  Krissy pouted. “Ah, come on, doc. Don’t let Jake bother you. He’s harmless.”

  “He killed a woman. And he’s a—” Patient confidentiality stopped him from finishing his statement.

  Krissy swiped at the air. “He didn’t mean to do it. It just happened. Besides, he’s a child. I want a man.” She moved toward him again.

  Brian recoiled. “Look, really. You’ve got to go,” he said firmly. “I really need you to.”

  She stared at him, obviously weighing her chances. Finally, she shrugged her shoulders and sauntered toward the door with a confused expression painting her pretty face. “Goodbye, Dr. Manifold. Come see me if you change your mind. You know where I live.”

  The office fell silent, but his head was screaming. Brian walked to his drawer and poured himself a drink. What have I done?

  ****

  With the exception of his encounter with Danielle in the elevator, Ray dreaded this morning. He had to talk to Brian, and it wouldn’t be pleasant. He entered Brian’s office, unsure if he was ready for this encounter. How he wished God could get through to his friend, so life could continue the way it used to be. “Good, I’m glad to see you’re still here.”

  Brian rolled his eyes, and then stared back at his notes.

  “And as usual, you’re not as glad to see me.” Ray walked to the couch. “Please join me. We need to talk.”

  “And you wonder why I’m never happy to see you.” Brian busied himself with tidying his desk. “What’s up, Ray? I need to get going.”

  “I came to see how you’re doing.”

  “I’m fine,” he said.

  “Are you sure?”

  Brian let out an exasperated sigh.

  “The custodians mentioned someone yelling in your office the other night, and I thought I’d check to make sure you’re OK.”

  “I’m fine. Jake has some anger issues that we’re trying to work through, but I really don’t think he’d hurt me.”