Dark Cognitions

by Kimberlee R. Mendoza

  ****

  “I told you.” A voice echoed in the night air.

  Where am I?

  Brian peered out into the darkness. The only light reflected from the moon. The hypnotic sound of waves could be heard in the distance. The wind smelled of salt and sea. The ocean. “Why am I here?” Brian yelled into the night.

  The beast cackled. “In order that you understand that you can’t get rid of me. I’m always with you.” The beast hissed and his glowing red eyes beamed in the dark. “Did you forget me, Brian?”

  “No.”

  “I think you did. You didn’t tell them about me, did you?”

  “No.”

  The beast slithered and clawed at the sand. “Why did you forget me, Brian?”

  “I just told you. I didn’t.”

  The beast laughed a vile chuckle that sounded more like a metal sharpener than a laugh. “You really are pathetic. You can’t get well. You know that, don’t you?”

  “I want to. That is half the battle.”

  “No, Brian. You’re mine.”

  “I’m nobody’s. You’re simply a hallucination. Once I get this craving for alcohol out of my system, you’ll be gone forever.”

  The beast howled, causing the ground around him to shake.

  Brian fell to the sand. “What’s so funny?”

  “You still don’t understand our relationship, do you, Brian?”

  “I just told you. You’re not real.”

  “Oh, I’m real.”

  ****

  The next morning, Danielle drove Rhonda to the hospital. She considered not staying, wanting desperately to avoid Ray. But Rhonda insisted she come in. Her new friend needed her, and Danielle couldn’t resist being wanted. Danielle walked down the sterile white hall to the waiting room.

  Rhonda stopped at the nurse’s station to talk to someone.

  Danielle found a seat. A pile of magazines rested a foot away on a round end table. Danielle leaned over and thumbed through the stack. Cars, gardening, and fashion. Nothing looked appealing.

  Ray came out of Brian’s room.

  Her heart accelerated. She grabbed the first magazine she could, and lifted it to her face. If I can’t see him, he can’t see me. An old thing her cousin used to say when they were little. Not that it was true, but right now, she hoped it helped.

  “I never would have taken you to be a biker girl,” Ray said.

  Shoot! Danielle grimaced, lowered the magazine and frowned. “What?”

  Ray pointed to the publication in her hand. “Quite the interesting choice of reading material.”

  She rolled her eyes and tossed the periodical aside. “I’m bored. What can I say?”

  He stared at her, amused. “I see.”

  Danielle wasn’t in the mood for this; maybe yesterday she’d been flattered, but not now. This second, she just wanted him to keep walking. She crossed her arms, kicked out her legs, and stared at the TV across the room.

  Ray didn’t leave.

  Go away. His very presence unnerved her.

  He sat next to her and his cologne filled her nose. Why couldn’t he stink? She tried to block out the pulse in her neck that pounded in her ears. Though her gaze focused on an old rerun, her heart was solely centered on him.

  “Did you get any sleep last night?” he asked.

  “A little.” Her chest heaved and she hoped he didn’t notice how she felt.

  “Me, either.”

  They both stared straight ahead.

  If he was anything like her, there was no denying the chemistry flowing between them. The elephant in the room needed to be squashed.

  How she wanted to blurt out what a jerk he was being. That she really cared about him.

  That they needed to kiss quickly before a phone call or another tragedy occurred.

  She did nothing. She stayed focused on someone making a joke about a teddy bear.

  ****

  The early morning sunlight poured into his room. Brian slowly opened his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. He’d actually managed to sleep through part of the night.

  “Good morning.”

  Relief. It was Rhonda.

  “You’re a sight for sore eyes,” he said.

  Rhonda leaned over and kissed him. “I think you’ll be released soon, but I need to talk to your doctor to find out for sure.”

  “I’m going home?”

  Rhonda looked away.

  His heart sank. “No,” he said, dryly. “I’m going to the nut house.”

  She faced him with a forced smile. “Ray set you up with a good friend of his. He told me you’re doing much better, so maybe it won’t be for long. You’ve come through the withdrawals and you haven’t been hallucinating, lately. So, I’m sure you’ll be home in no time.” Her mock cheerfulness rubbed like broken cement.

  Brian couldn’t tell her about the beast. He couldn’t let her know that he still wasn’t alone. That the disorder still guided his reality. He pinched his lips together in what he hoped resembled a smile. “I’m sure you’re right.”

  “Well, visiting hours are almost up and I need to speak to your doctor, so I’d better get going. I’ll see you in the morning, OK?”

  Brian kissed her. Her lips were warm and inviting. How long had it been since he had held his wife? He missed her. And it appeared he would go on missing her.

  28

  Danielle stretched her legs out in front of the swing and allowed gravity to rock her forward.

  Ray stood at the edge of the swing set, holding one of the metal legs. Why they’d ended up in a park, she wasn’t sure, but it was empty—the perfect place to finally talk.

  “You want me to push you,” he teased.

  She shook her head. “Not on your life.”

  He held up his hands in mock surrender. “OK, OK. Just checking.”

  A slight breeze blew, ruffling her hair. She pushed it back out of her face, and looked at Ray.

  His expression was odd. Confusing. What did he want from her? Right now, he seemed interested. Yesterday, repulsed.

  “So, you got me here. Talk,” she said, a bit more abruptly than she meant to.

  He laughed nervously. “I, um, know that there has been some tension between us. Sometimes good, other times—”

  “Bad.”

  He frowned, and walked to the other swing. “Yeah.”

  “To be honest, I don’t understand any of it. If you don’t want a relationship with me, just say so.”

  “I know it seems that way—”

  Danielle stopped swinging and glanced at him. His strong jaw appeared tense, his eyes lost.

  “You are the most confusing man I’ve ever met. Do you like me or not? I’m a big girl, just tell me.”

  He crossed in front of her, grabbed the chains above her head and pulled her face only inches from his.

  For a second, her heart stopped. She wanted to grab the back of his head and kiss him. His gaze sought hers. Why couldn’t he just let go? “Just tell me,” she repeated in a whisper.

  “When the time is right, and the madness stops, I want you in my life for good.”

  ****

  Brian dropped his toothbrush into his small travel bag.

  Rhonda yelled to the bathroom door, “Are you ready, dear?”

  “I’ll be out in a second.” He stared at his reflection, his eyes dark and puffy, his cheeks hollow and gray. He hardly recognized himself. But it wasn’t his appearance that bothered him. It was the future closing in. Perspiration on his upper lip was the only true tell of how he felt at the moment.

  He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember a happier time. Anything that could bring peace to this angst, this pyre that burned inside. Suffocating him. Keeping him from being the man who used to look at him in the mirror. He grabbed his bag and stepped back into the room.

  Rhonda was doing a final sweep, visually checking nooks and crannies, bed, drawers, countertops. “Ready?” she asked.

  How did one get ready for
this? To hide the truth that was sure to be in his gaze, he glanced down at his jeans and T-shirt, then to his right hand that held a cherry-wood cane. “As ready as a crippled man can be.”

  “You’re not crippled,” she smiled, “just full of holes.”

  “Very funny.” He hobbled over to her and caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I do love you. You know that?”

  “Absolutely. You have to.”

  “And why is that, Mrs. Manifold?”

  Rhonda placed her forehead against his. “Because you’re stuck with me.”

  He lifted her chin and kissed her tenderly. He withdrew and sat on the bed.

  “Brian?” Rhonda joined him.

  “I’m scared,” he said with a shudder.

  “God will take care of you,” Rhonda answered. “I know you don’t believe in Him, but I do.”

  “I wish I had your faith.”

  “I wish you did, too.”

  A male orderly rapped on the door before entering with a wheel chair. “The van has arrived,” he said. “Are you ready to go, sir?”

  Brian shot Rhonda one more desperate look. The concern in her eyes broke his heart.

  Rhonda looked away and nodded to the man.

  The man helped Brian stand and hobble to the metal chair.

  A white van waited just outside the door.

  Rhonda stepped to his side and kissed him one last time.

  The orderly helped him into the van and passed him his bag.

  Rhonda’s gaze met his through the van window and his heart broke into smaller pieces. Would he ever see his wife again?

  ****

  The van pulled up to an iron gate, and the driver rolled down his window to flash a badge to the guard.

  The guard stepped back in the vertical shack and the heavy gate slid open.

  Lush trees adorned the immaculate lawns. A small cobblestone path followed the extent of the property. Tall pillars lined each side of the three-story brick building.

  “Where is everyone?” Brian asked the driver.

  The driver wheeled the van into an S-shaped driveway, turned off the ignition and faced him. “Aren’t you supposed to be a psychiatrist?”

  “Psychologist.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “More schooling. A psychiatrist is an M.D. They can prescribe medication. A psychologist cannot.”

  “OK, either way. Haven’t you brought anyone here before?”

  Brian shook his head.

  “Well, this isn’t a country club, my friend. Patients aren’t allowed outside.”

  Brian’s heart dropped into his aching stomach. He scanned the building, and this time he noticed barred windows.

  The driver stepped outside the vehicle and walked around to Brian’s side. “Welcome to your new home, Doctor.”

  Inside he cringed. How would he make it here? Brian grabbed his cane and the man helped him down. The driver then grabbed the suitcase and motioned for Brian to follow him up the stairs. Brian was relieved to reach the last step.

  They entered through a pair of double white doors, to a glass-enclosed reception area.

  The driver stepped to the desk and passed a clipboard through a security slot.

  The door to the right of the lobby buzzed.

  The driver turned to Brian. “OK, you’re all theirs.”

  A nurse came around the counter to hand the driver his clipboard, and then waved for Brian to join her.

  Brian stepped inside, and the metal door slammed with a bang behind them. He jumped.

  “This way, Dr. Manifold.”

  He turned back to the nurse and followed her through two more security doors before reaching a waiting area. At the end of the white, sterile room sat a small desk. A nurse sat in a chair, staring at a monitor, while typing on a computer keyboard.

  The room resembled something out of a sci-fi space movie. Everything was white and plastic. A strong odor of ammonia mixed with cafeteria food filled his nostrils. His stomach turned.

  “All right, I need you to sign here,” the nurse said, handing him a clipboard with paperwork and pen.

  “What am I signing?”

  “Your rights away,” she answered matter-of-factly.

  He stopped the pen mid-air. “I’m sorry?”

  “You have walked in of your own accord. Therefore, you sign over your care to us. If your wife brought you in, then she would sign. If a medical doctor brought you to us, he’d sign. But since you came willingly, you must sign.”

  “I understand that. What I don’t understand is giving up my rights.”

  “It’s simple, Doctor,” she said sternly. “We need your permission to help you. In order to do that, we must be able to tell you what to do. When we feel you’re ready, we will release you. At that time, you regain your rights. Is that clear?”

  “Yes, it’s clear. Just a bit scary.”

  “I understand.”

  Brian’s hand shook as he scribbled his name on the bottom line. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He knew he needed help, but he also knew he liked being in control. He only hoped that he was in the best care. He handed her the clipboard.

  “Now, I will need to see your things.”

  “Why?”

  She frowned. “I can see you’re going to be a troublemaker.”

  “I’m a psychologist. I’m used to asking questions.” He smiled, hoping she’d take the joke well. He failed.

  “We need to make sure you aren’t bringing in anything that could be detrimental to your state of wellbeing. I will look through your things, and then return them to your room later.” She leaned over and pushed a button on an intercom. “Nate, the patient for room 266 is ready.” She turned back to Brian as the door buzzed behind her. “Nate is the orderly for your floor. You can go with him now.”

  The orderly didn’t look human. His hairy arms were round like watermelons, and he was nearly two feet taller.

  Brian didn’t wait for Nate to get him.

  The door slammed behind them. He jumped again.

  “A little jumpy, aren’t you?” Nate taunted.

  Brian didn’t respond. He didn’t dare. This goon could flatten him with one flick of a little finger.

  They stepped down a corridor filled with white metal doors, each with a small slit at the top.

  Nate stopped at an open door at the end of the hall. “Home, sweet home.” Nate motioned for Brian to enter.

  Brian slowly approached the dim, florescent lit room. Inside sat a mattress covered by a cream blanket, a small nightstand supporting a gold Gideon Bible, and a door that Brian assumed must be a bathroom.

  When he stepped inside, Nate closed the door behind him.

  The keys jingled in the lock on the outside, and then footsteps echoed away down the hall.

  Brian allowed his body to slump to the floor. His chest constricted, and he thought he might hyperventilate. Pulling out a trick he used on patients, he began counting backwards, starting with ten. “Ten,” he breathed. “Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.” By five, he felt better. He closed his eyes and allowed his body to crumple the rest of the way to the tile. The floor felt ice cold. He rolled over onto his stomach and crawled like a dog to the mattress.

  Why is this happening to me?

  Maybe the beast was right. He’d reached hell.

  29

  “Amen,” Danielle said.

  “Amen,” Rhonda echoed, and then wiped tears from her cheeks.

  They’d just spent an hour in prayer, something they now did every day after Danielle left work. Never had she felt so close to someone, not even her mother. God had brought them together for a purpose, and Danielle valued their friendship.

  “All that praying made me hungry.” Rhonda unfolded her legs from the floor and stood. “I have leftover vegetable lasagna the church brought over, or chocolate crunch cake.”

  Danielle grinned.

  “Cake, it is,” Rhonda said, smiling back. She walked in the kit
chen and pulled down a pair of china plates. They clanked as she placed them on the counter. Then she slid a foil-covered glass pan in between them, uncovered it, and retrieved a knife from the drainer by the sink.

  The smell of chocolate wafted in the air. Comfort to my psyche. The cake was covered in what looked like fudge frosting and pecans, and a ribbon of caramel ran in waves around the outside.

  “Don’t even think of saying, ‘Just a small piece,’” Rhonda said. “I have no intention of divulging in this sin without a partner. The church keeps bringing me stuff.”

  Danielle laughed. “Oh, no problem there. I’ll take a big piece. That looks amazing.”

  Rhonda cut a block-size slice and slapped it on a plate.

  Danielle picked up her fork, slid it into the dessert, and then brought it to her mouth. “Mmm, how can you call this sin? It’s heavenly.”

  “So, now that we are eating comfort food—”

  “Yes?” Danielle eyed her new friend suspiciously.

  “Tell me about Ray.”

  Danielle dropped her fork to the plate. “Aah! Do I have to?”

  Rhonda laughed. “You don’t think I’m feeding you cake for nothing. Call it a bribe. I want details.”

  “That man is so frustrating. I don’t understand him at all.”

  “Explain it to me. I’ve known him forever. Maybe I can help.”

  A vision of him almost kissing her in the park made her pause. “One minute, he seems totally interested. The next, extremely unapproachable. I don’t know who he is really, or what he wants. I’m not even sure my heart cares anymore.”

  Rhonda stared at her with an amused grin.

  “What?”

  “I’ve known Ray for almost twenty years. He’s never looked at another woman the way he looks at you.”

  Whatever. Danielle crossed her arms and sat back on the stool. “OK, then. Explain the lack of commitment. The fickle nature of his gestures.”

  “Simple—Brian.”

  Instantly, Danielle felt guilty. It was the obvious reason. One she knew. “I’m sorry, Rhonda. I must sound totally insensitive.”

  Rhonda waved her off. “Don’t be silly. Even if all Brian’s problems were simple, Ray would still be there. He has a sickness, an older brother complex with Brian.”