In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “I thought you weren’t going to beat around the bush.”

  “Right. Well . . . you know how much having you in my life means to me, don’t you?”

  “Is that what you wanted to ask me? Or is this going somewhere I didn’t pack my bags for?”

  “What would you say if I said I wanted full custody of Jalisa?”

  “Full custody? Are you serious?”

  “Yes I am. Now I know that you and Tina can’t, and probably won’t ever get along—”

  “Damn right.”

  “I also know that by having Jalisa here all the time, Tina will probably be even nastier toward you, but I just don’t like the idea of my little girl living amongst that whole modeling scene. Besides, with Tina’s status getting bigger and bigger, it’s going to mean that she would have to travel more than she already is, which means that she’s either going to have to take Jalisa, or bring her here.”

  “Which is never a problem.”

  “No, it isn’t. I know this is a big deal. That’s why I wanted to approach you first. I’m not trying to force motherhood on you or make you uncomfortable. I just don’t want my little girl going from school to school or getting her education from tutors. And right now, I don’t see Tina giving up her career for Jalisa.”

  “No, she certainly wouldn’t do that.”

  “Can you at least take a couple of days to think about it? I want to know how you feel about this. Think about it and let me know. I won’t do it if you—”

  “Randy, you should do it. I know how much Jalisa means to you, and you know I adore her. Living here would be a hell of a lot better than her living with Tina.”

  “You know Tina won’t like this, right?”

  “Baby, call her right now and tell her. I’ll grab the other phone so I can listen in.”

  I did just that too. I listened to Tina go off and start spitting curse words left and right. Of course she mentioned my name.

  “Was this that bitch’s idea?”

  “Tina, my decision had nothing to do with her.”

  “Whatever. I will not have that bitch raise my daughter. I will not let you have my little girl.”

  “I’m trying to do what’s best for our little girl. I don’t want her having to switch schools. I don’t want her living around the superficial people you deal with. And she’s going to need someone there with her. You won’t be able to.”

  “I’ll hire a nanny.”

  “I won’t have some strange woman raising my daughter.”

  “Then keep your trick away from her!”

  Trick?

  It wasn’t easy, but I kept my mouth shut and listened, enjoying every minute of her displeasure. I only wish I could have seen the look on her face.

  Unfortunately, my pleasure was short-lived, because the custody battle was ugly. Tina accused me of trying to turn Jalisa against her; she made up lies about me bad-mouthing Jalisa. She also accused me of trying to brainwash Jalisa by constantly telling her what a bad mother Tina was, which was actually true, but never relayed to Jalisa.

  Fortunately, the judge had common sense enough to not buy Tina’s stories, and when everything was all said and done, Tina was only allowed to have Jalisa for four months out of the year.

  When Jalisa finally moved in with us permanently, things calmed down a little. I guess the reality of the situation finally sunk into Tina’s thick head. Of course, that didn’t stop her from trying to get under my skin. She did anything she could to annoy me.

  When she came by, I got looks.

  When she called, I got comments.

  I tried to be the better person, and to ignore her immature and oftentimes ghetto behavior, because she just wasn’t worth my time. But sometimes that was damn near impossible. And finally the day came when impossible became possible, and I just couldn’t hold myself back. She had come back from another photo shoot to get Jalisa, and when I answered the door, attitude was what greeted me.

  “Humph. Do you always have to be here? Where’s Randy? And where’s my little girl?”

  I was already PMSing that day, so I didn’t have the patience for her jealous, immature shit. “Tina, why do you always have a stick up your ass?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “There is no excuse. You need to grow up and be a woman, and be a better example for Jalisa. Stop showing her attitude and ugliness.”

  “Don’t you even try to tell me how to raise my daughter. I noticed she’s picking up some bad habits. They’re probably from you.”

  “So being a polite, sweet little girl with manners is bad?”

  “Where’s Jalisa? Jalisa! Come here. Now!”

  When Jalisa came, her eyes were puffy, and I could tell that she had been crying. That broke my heart. I bent down and gave her a hug and kiss on her cheek. My heart went out to her. She deserved better than Tina. Before I could even finish the word good-bye, Tina grabbed Jalisa and snatched her away from me.

  “I don’t care what you do with anyone else, but when it comes to my daughter, bitch, you better never let me see you do that again.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I had had enough. I stood up so fast and hit her under her eye so hard, my hand numbed up. Although it felt too good to release some of my pent-up tension, I regretted my actions right away, because Jalisa started crying immediately. To make matters worse, Randy, who’d been in the shower, heard Tina screaming and Jalisa crying, and rushed out of the bathroom with his towel wrapped around him.

  “What the hell is going on?”

  “That stupid bitch hit me! I’m going to bruise! Bitch, I will sue your ass.”

  I shouldn’t have responded, but my tongue couldn’t be held. “Call me a bitch again Tina, and I’ll give you a matching bruise on the other side.”

  Without another word, Tina grabbed Jalisa by her shirt collar and stormed away. Before the elevator closed, I heard her yell, “bitch!”

  When Randy closed the door, we had it out.

  And then I stormed out.

  I was pissed at him, and I was also pissed at myself. I hated snapping like that in front of Jalisa, but Tina’s nasty attitude had just broken through the last bit of lining my composure had left.

  Randy and I didn’t argue much after that. As a matter of fact, we barely spoke to each other over the next few days. Thankfully, I didn’t hear Tina’s voice for a few weeks after, because she stopped calling.

  The house, that is.

  I knew that she hadn’t actually stopped calling, because Randy’s cell phone started ringing more and more. On one occasion, he was in the shower when his phone went off. It was twelve o’clock in the morning, so I knew it couldn’t have been work-related. I knew that there was only one person it could have been, and when I checked the caller ID, I saw that I was right. I never let on to Randy that I knew she was calling him. I tried to ignore it. But when we went out the other night, and his phone rang and he didn’t answer it, that was the last straw. I’m a woman and I knew what she was trying to do. Whether he wanted her or not, his reluctance to put her in check set me on fire. He could be her fool all he wanted. I wanted out.

  Abe

  “Give me another fifteen minutes and I’ll really give you something to smile about.”

  “Believe me, Taki, if I had fifteen more minutes to spare, and another pair of boxers with me, it would be on.”

  “You were incredible today, Abe. I can still feel you inside of me.”

  “That’s what I like to hear.”

  “Ten more minutes?” Taki begged, placing her hand over my crotch.

  It wasn’t easy to do, but I grabbed ahold of her hand and pulled it away from my hardening member. “We both need to get home, Taki.”

  “Five more minutes?” she said, grabbing hold of me again with her other hand. “Put it in. Give me a few good, hard thrusts, and then pull it out. I want to feel you inside of me again.”

  “Don’t get greedy, Taki,” I said, pulling her other hand away, which had nearly succeed
ed in getting my zipper all the way down. “Being greedy will only ruin things.”

  Taki moaned and nibbled on my earlobe. “It’s hard to not be greedy, Abe,” she said with a whisper.

  “But it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

  Taki groaned. “I’m tired of being safe.”

  “But for your kids you will be.”

  Taki sighed. “I know.”

  “Get home,” I said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” she said reluctantly.

  We kissed for a few seconds and then got in our cars and drove away to go back to our separate lives.

  Things were starting to change. Well, Taki was. I’d been noticing it the past few times we’d been together, but really saw it this time. The longer, tighter hugs. The lingering of her lips on mine for far longer than they should have. The look in her eyes that no longer growled, “Come and fuck me,” but now whispered, “Come and lay with me.” I had hoped this wouldn’t happen. Taki had caught feelings.

  I tightened my grip around my steering wheel and clenched my jaws. I’d been seeing Taki for a little over seven months. We’d first made eye contact at a company Christmas party. She’d been there with her husband, Whilice. I was there with my wife, Nakyia. Taki was working in a different department at the time, but a month after the party, she was promoted to be the head of the entire East Coast region of advertising. I began working under her a month after that.

  Everything was on the up-and-up in the beginning. We were both two very driven individuals who took pride in creating television and print-ad campaigns that drove consumers toward the client’s product. Taki and I made a great team. With her visual skills and my flair for creating catchy slogans and witty dialogue, companies were practically battling for us to render our services.

  Like I said, in the beginning our relationship was strictly business. I won’t lie and say that we never flirted or exchanged glances here and there, because we did. But we were both married, so we never let the flirtation go too far. But one day out of the blue, sitting in her office trying to come up with an ad campaign for a Latino-owned clothing company, without warning, Taki changed the dynamics of our relationship.

  I was in mid-sentence reciting a slogan I’d come up with when Taki reached across the table we’d been sitting by and placed her lips against mine. Taken by surprise, I pulled back almost immediately. Almost. I won’t lie; I did take a moment to taste the cherry lipstick she’d been wearing. But it had only been a moment.

  “What was that about?”

  Taki looked at me for a few short seconds and licked her lips sensuously before she said, “One of us had to make the move.”

  “The move?”

  “Yes.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know what I mean, Abe.”

  I clenched my jaws for a second and then nodded. She was right; I did know.

  “This was going to happen sooner or later,” she said. “There was no point in delaying the inevitable. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t move first.”

  “You’re married,” I said, thinking about all of the times I’d imagined doing just that.

  “So are you,” Taki countered.

  “You’re also my boss,” I said. “The whole Michael Douglas, Demi Moore scenario isn’t one I’d like to experience.”

  “Trust me, Abe . . . I may be finer than Demi, but I am nowhere near as crazy as her character was.”

  I flashed a slight smile. Half-Asian, half-black, with an Angela Bassett physique, Lauryn Hill lips, and eyes that could make the gayest of men turn straight, I had to agree: Demi in her heyday couldn’t touch Taki on her worst.

  I stroked my goatee. “Demi didn’t lose her mind until Mike gave it to her,” I said.

  Taki smirked. “Are you saying you’ll make me lose my mind, Abe?”

  I shook my head. “I’m just saying that Demi was sane until she got dicked down.”

  Taki’s eyes closed a bit as she nibbled down on her bottom lip. “Are you going to dick me down?” she asked, coming around the table and standing in front of me. “Is that what you plan to do? Make me crazy? Do you have skills like that?”

  Taki traced a finely manicured index finger down my cheek to my chest, and then down to my crotch. My hand found its way beneath both her blouse and bra. “In my twenty-eight years,” I said, squeezing her erect nipple, “I’ve never had any complaints. And I’ve always had requests for thirds and fourths.”

  Taki let out a slow breath and moaned. “But will you make me go crazy?” she asked, pulling my zipper down, slipping past my boxers and grabbing hold of me.

  I closed my eyes and got chills as she stroked.

  “You’re so big, Abe,” Taki whispered.

  “Still want to know if I’ll make you crazy?” I asked as my tongue did circles around her nipple now.

  “Since I first laid my eyes on you at the company party,” Taki said breathlessly.

  No need for further conversation, Taki and I undressed and then fucked on top of the work we had spread out across the round, sturdy table. I answered Taki’s question with every deep, hard thrust. Answered it so good that she demanded I go deeper, harder, faster, until she orgasmed.

  When we were finished, Taki took a finger, dipped it in the semen I’d spilled across her stomach, and took that finger into her mouth. “Good answer,” she said with a seductive smile.

  Wiping myself off with my T-shirt, I asked the first question that popped into my mind when I released. “You don’t plan on doing a Demi to me now, do you, boss?”

  “Cut the boss bullshit,” Taki said. “I told you, I’m not crazy. But . . .” she paused, licked her lips, and then said, “your dick is good.”

  Things were never the same after that.

  Never letting the pleasure come before the business, Taki and I fucked whenever and wherever we could. In her office. In mine. In the backseat of her car. In the front seat of mine. At a hotel. Sometimes on the way there.

  I know I should have felt guilty about what was going on. After all, my wife, Nakyia, was a beautiful woman. Five-five and slender, yet thick in all of the right places. Beautiful brown eyes to go with her smooth, coffee-colored skin. Short, Toni Braxton hairstyle to compliment her soft, round face. Educated with the perfect combination of book and common sense; I’d be hard-pressed to find a woman as complete as Nakyia was.

  Being riddled with guilt is definitely something that I should have been, but I wasn’t. See, as perfect as Nakyia was, there was just one imperfect thing about her. Something that was completely out of her control.

  Two years before Taki came into the picture, Nakyia was afflicted with trigeminal neuralgia, which is a disorder of the fifth cranial, or trigeminal, nerve that causes episodes of intense, stabbing, electric shock-like pain in the areas of the face where the branches of the nerve are distributed. Lips, eyes, nose, scalp, forehead, upper and lower jaw; the whole right side of her face was affected. Universally considered to be one of the most painful afflictions known to man, trigeminal neuralgia isn’t fatal, but it is an extremely painful and life-changing disorder.

  Because of the constant pain she was in, the intimacy in our marriage disappeared. We couldn’t caress the same, couldn’t kiss with the same passion as we used to. Worst of all, the sex changed. One minute Nakyia would be fine and the next minute, she’d be damn near tears from the pain searing through the right side of her face.

  It was frustrating to watch the woman I loved suffer, and not be able to do anything about it. So frustrating, that after a while, I completely gave up on trying to have any intimacy at all. With the distance the neuralgia caused, we went from living together as husband and wife, to nothing more than roommates who occasionally slept together in the same bed. And I say occasionally because I spent many nights out on the couch because it was just too damned hard to be in the same bed without being able to touch her.

  I know that to a lot of people my affair with Taki was
just plain wrong. After all, Nakyia was suffering. She was the one forced to take medicine four times a day with little relief. She was the one who couldn’t talk without feeling pain, couldn’t eat without feeling pain, couldn’t walk without the wind blowing on her face and causing her to cringe and clench her jaws as she fought tears and willed the pain to go away.

  She was the one who had trigeminal neuralgia.

  Not me.

  I was just the bystander, and having an affair was just about the lowest thing to do. Bystander or not, I vowed through sickness and health and I was supposed to be the rock for Nakyia to lean on. That’s what anyone standing on the outside looking in would say, and they would be right. Cheating was wrong.

  But until they’ve walked in my shoes, they would never understand how doing the wrong thing was something that I desperately needed to do, because they would never be able to fully grasp the depths of my frustration over not being able to kiss or caress my wife without the knowledge that the pleasure I was trying to bring her could and oftentimes did bring her nothing but pain.

  But our sex life or better yet, lack of one, wasn’t the only thing that pushed me into another woman’s arms. Four times a day, every day, Nakyia had no choice but to take medication, just so that she could function on a somewhat normal level. Because of the medicine, she developed some nasty mood swings, and most of the time I did whatever I could to avoid being around her. But even when she was almost herself, and I wanted nothing more than to just be by her side, nothing for us was normal. We rarely went out in public together or hung out with friends because she felt embarrassed by her condition. We couldn’t do normal things like take showers together, because the water hitting her face would cause her pain. We couldn’t laugh together the same way we used to, because she could never just let go.

  Nothing was the same for us anymore.

  Like I said, cheating was wrong and I knew it. But I’m human. And as the distance between Nakyia and I grew wider, I began to get lonely. I missed the affection. I missed the excitement of being a couple in love with nothing but the usual worries. When Taki laid that kiss on me as much I wanted to fight it, the urge to be physical without holding back was just too strong, and I enjoyed all that Taki had to give and gave her all that she could take.