In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “Then tell him to come out of the closet, man. If he’s so stressed that he’s beating your ass every five minutes, tell him to come out.”

  “He can’t!”

  “Why?”

  “He just can’t!” I wiped my falling tears away with my good arm. Randy and my mother knew about Paul, but they didn’t know that he was married. I kept that information from them, because I knew they would have had serious issues with that.

  “Why can’t he?”

  I turned and faced my brother, not caring that he saw my tears. “Randy, coming out of the closet is one of the hardest things for a gay person to do. When gays make a decision like that, it’s done knowing that their whole life will change. There’s the ridicule, the sudden lack of respect that people have. The anger and fear that people develop overnight. Friends who claim to be your friends abandon you. Family that you used to be close to and whose support you used to have, will put you down, hurt you physically and mentally, and throw you out like moldy leftovers.

  “That’s how the world is, big brother. And that’s what Paul wants to avoid. He has a good, high-paying job. If he came out, he would probably lose that and his reputation would be damaged. Whether you like it or not, I love him and I don’t want him to go through any of that. I lost most of my friends and family the instant the words ‘I’m gay’ came flying out of my mouth. I know how bad it hurts.”

  I watched my brother through my tear-filled eyes. My head hurt from my own painful memories of my loss.

  “Randy, I lost my father, my brother, and eventually my best friend. You and Ma are the only family I have left. How can I want Paul to go through the same thing?”

  “Travis, I know your life hasn’t been easy. I know that losing Pops and Abe hurts. But as bad as it hurts, you’ve survived. If Paul loves you like you say he does, he’ll survive too. Look at yourself, Travis. This isn’t the first time you’ve looked like this, and I know it’s not going to be the last. Love and be loved. That’s what we all want in this world. Man, you’re doing all the loving and getting nothing in return but hospital fees. Don’t you think it’s time that changed? Don’t you think it’s time Paul came out or you moved on?”

  I didn’t respond for a few seconds as I sat quiet and digested the things he’d said to me. I’d actually given Paul an ultimatum once about coming out of the closet. But the only thing that did was trigger a physical assault from him, and then I didn’t hear from him for several months, and his absence had just been too much for me to bear. In answer to Randy’s question, yes, I wanted the situation to change, but I didn’t want to lose the one person who made me feel loved. I was somebody important to Paul, not just a piece of ass.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said, looking back through the glass now being pelted with raindrops. I watched my distorted reflection as my tears fell and cascaded down with the raindrops. “Why didn’t you desert me? Why do you continue to be there for me? Ma does it because I’m her child. She bore me and she would never leave me, or any of us. But you . . . You could have been like Dad and Abe. I know how you feel about my lifestyle. I know you disagree with it and hate it. So why have you always been there for me?”

  I listened to the melody the rain played on the top of Randy’s Camry. It was a sad song filled with pain and abandonment—my song.

  Randy sighed. “You’re right, Travis, I don’t and have never really liked that you’re gay. But whether I like it or not, that’s who you are. You’re Mom’s seed, but you’re also my baby brother. You were the little kid I watched out for when we were younger because you couldn’t kick your way out of a paper bag. The little kid who couldn’t sleep at night without the night-light. The little kid who was always different. For better or worse, you will always be my baby brother. I can’t desert you. Now as for the lifestyle you’ve chosen . . . I hate that more than I do the fact that you’re gay.”

  “I had no choice, Randy. I had no home.”

  “You could have tried to do something else, Travis. You didn’t have to choose to live on the streets. You didn’t have to give yourself up for spare change. And you don’t have to stay with someone who can’t keep his fists off of you.”

  I frowned. “I’d take Paul’s fists over family’s any day.”

  “It wasn’t an easy thing to accept, Travis. Abe reacted the only way he knew how to at the time.”

  “You didn’t hit me.”

  “Abe and I are different.”

  “How is my older brother doing, anyway?”

  “He’s doing well. I gave you the number. Have you tried to call him?”

  “Randy,” I said, watching the lighting flash sporadically throughout the sky. “I tried a long time ago. He didn’t want to hear anything I had to say then and I know he doesn’t want to now.”

  “What about Pops?”

  I sucked my teeth. “Do you know that Ma has to sneak off to another room and whisper when she talks to me?”

  I turned and faced him. I wanted him to see the pain in my eyes; the hurt in my tears.

  “To this day, she can’t speak to her own son without Dad yelling at her. He still calls me a faggot. Did you know that? He won’t refer to me as anything but that. He wouldn’t give me the time of the day if I paid him. Six years ago, Randy. I was sixteen when I came out. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes since then. I’m gay, big brother, but I’m still the same Travis they knew before I made my announcement.”

  Almost as if on cue, lightning flashed and thunder boomed so heavily I could feel the vibration in the car. Randy didn’t say a word, and I had nothing more to say. We sat in silence for several seconds, listening to the storm’s cacophony. As a new wave of tears fell, I said, “Start the car and take me home.”

  Randy

  Jalisa was sound asleep when I got home after dropping Travis off. I didn’t mind because it gave me a chance to have some time to myself to think. After paying my neighbor’s granddaughter her babysitting fee, I turned off the lights, put a Najee CD on and slumped down in my living room sofa. Since the debacle with Tina, I’d tried to get Monique to talk to me, but had no luck. She’d literally caught me with my pants down and no matter how much I begged and pleaded she didn’t want to hear a word I had to say. But I still tried regardless, because the fact was, I didn’t really do anything with Tina. I mean yes, I’d come damn close, but I did put a stop to what was happening before things had gotten out of hand. As mad as Monique was, I just couldn’t give up trying to make her understand how much I needed her and how my world just wasn’t the same without her. Without her I was lost and empty. Without her my motivation to write was gone.

  The only thing that kept me going was my daughter. No matter how cloudy my days were, Jalisa always managed to bring a smile to my face. Sometimes it was hard to believe that such an angel could have been created with such a bitch like Tina. With all her good looks, she’s by far one of the ugliest women I’ve ever known. After her stunt the other night, I’d had it; I wasn’t going to let another day or night go by without putting a stop to all of her shit. That’s why I had called her before I went to get Travis from the hospital.

  “Randy, baby, I knew you’d call me. You want me to come over and finish what I started.”

  “Save it, Tina. I’m not in the mood for your shit.”

  “Don’t snap at me, Randy. I didn’t ask that bitch to come and spoil our party.”

  “There was no fucking party, Tina.”

  “I didn’t see you complaining when I had your dick in my mouth.”

  I clenched and unclenched my hand. “Look, I’ve tried to keep things cool between us for Jalisa’s sake, but I can’t fucking take it anymore. I’m done with your fucking meddling, I’m done with your fucking attitudes, and I’m done with the fucking disrespect you show me and Monique!”

  “So what are you trying to tell me, Randy?” Tina asked with a lot of attitude and indignation. “I hear a whole lot of rambling, but what are you saying?”

  “What
I’m saying, Tina, is that the days of you and your bullshit are over. No more two o’clock in the morning visits, and no more midnight calls. As a matter of fact, don’t call here unless it legitimately has to do with Jalisa. And I don’t mean your bullshit calls about how she’s doing, because we all know you don’t really give a shit about her. Now as far as you just stopping by to see her . . . that shit is over with. If you want to see your daughter, you’ll have to wait until it’s your turn to have her. Any other time, I swear you better fucking call ahead of time, because if you don’t, trust me when I tell you that it’ll just be a wasted trip for you.”

  “I’m sure it all sounds good to you, Randy, but do you really think you can stop me?” Tina asked arrogantly.

  “It’s not about thinking I can, Tina. I just will. Now as far as Monique goes—”

  “What about that yellow bitch? She’s out of the picture now.”

  I bit down on my lip and balled my hand into a tight fist. “You may have won the last round against Monique, but I’m telling you now that’s the last round you’ll ever win.”

  “Whatever,” Tina cut in. “She’s gone. So as far as I’m concerned, you’re releasing nothing but hot air.”

  “Tina, as much as you may not want to hear this, I am going to get Monique back because she is the one for me. Are you listening to me? Monique is my soul mate. Not you. Not ever. She and I were meant to be together and when that happens, I’m telling you now, you better respect it.”

  Tina sucked her teeth. “Whatever.”

  “Yeah, whatever. You just make sure to keep your shit in check.” I hung up the phone seething, but feeling relieved at having finally let off some steam. It had been a long time coming. I’d held my feelings back for far too long, and now that I had released myself of some tension, I was even more determined to get Monique back into my life. Somehow, I had to get her to hear me out.

  I dozed off to Najee’s melody and woke up when my phone rang. I looked at the time; it was nearing eleven. I wanted it to be Monique, but unfortunately it wasn’t. “What’s with the late call, Travis? You in trouble again?”

  Travis sighed dramatically. “No, I’m not.”

  “So what’s up?”

  “I called to say thank you. The talk we had meant a lot to me.”

  “No problem, man. I know things aren’t easy for you and we don’t necessarily see eye to eye, but I just want you to be happy. Ultimately that’s what it’s all about.”

  “I wish Abe and Dad could look at it that way.”

  “Maybe someday they will.”

  “When I’m dead, maybe.”

  “Come on, man. Chill with that talk, all right.”

  “Whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and to tell you that you were right: I do deserve more than what Paul is giving me. It wasn’t easy for me to come out of the closet but I did because I didn’t want to live a lie. I want my partner to be the same way. I’m going to tell him that.”

  “That’s good to hear, Travis. Hopefully things work out the way you want them to.”

  “Somehow Randy, I don’t think they will. But whatever. I just don’t want to be someone’s secret anymore. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “All right, Travis. Hey, be careful out there, all right. And I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thanks, big brother. Hey, how’re Jalisa and Monique?”

  “They’re good. Jalisa’s sleeping right now. You need to come and see her sometime.”

  “Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. I’ll see you around.”

  I hung up the phone and sighed. Accepting my brother’s choice wasn’t the easiest thing for me to do. Sometimes when I sat and dwelled on it, his being a homosexual really bothered me. To know that he got intimate with another man made my skin crawl. I don’t think there’s anything natural about it. Since the beginning of time, the rule has always been man + woman = child. I don’t know where, when, or why that equation was altered, but like it or not, the reality is that it had been.

  Even though I have a problem with it, I couldn’t turn my back on Travis. When he first came out of the closet I used to wonder sometimes if I’d done something wrong as a big brother.

  Had I not steered him in the right way?

  Did I not set the right examples?

  I know my father dealt with the same internal questions, because I could see it on his face. I think he feels as though he failed Travis in some way. He actually once said that Travis’s being gay was punishment for something he had or hadn’t done. But as I’d gotten to talk with him and hear his side of things over the years, I knew Travis’s being gay had nothing to do with any mistakes any of us made. That was just who he was. Again, I don’t know why the equation had changed, but I guess when you really broke it down, there were worse things in the world than being gay.

  I wish Abe and my father could have found a way to get past their judgment of Travis and his lifestyle and just be there for him like I did. Like it or not, he was our blood. He was part of all of us. I have to give credit to my mother though, because she could have disowned Travis too. With all of the drama she’s had to deal with from my father, it would have been easier for her to have done just that. Ever since Travis came out and my mother accepted him, my father stopped treating her with the same respect that he once had. It was tough to sit by and watch it happen sometimes. On more than one occasion I’d almost lost my cool and gone off on him for yelling at her and putting her down, but every time I came close, my mother would calm me down.

  “This is my battle to deal with, Randall. Not yours.”

  “But Mom, his disrespect for you is ridiculous.”

  “He’s angry inside, that’s all.”

  “And that’s an excuse to let him treat you the way he does?”

  “Trust me, he doesn’t mean anything by it. I’m just the only person he has to let his frustration out on. Just stay quiet about it and let me handle him like I’ve been doing.”

  I disagreed with my mother’s methods of dealing with my father’s bitterness, but I always did as she asked, and stayed quiet.

  I got up from the couch, turned the stereo off, and I went to Jalisa’s bedroom to check on her. Although she flashed the same smile every day, I knew that since Monique had gone, she hadn’t been the same. In a lot of ways, they’d become like mother and daughter. She loved Tina regardless of how much of a bitch she was, but I knew that Monique was who she looked up to. I stared at her for a few more seconds and then closed the door and went to bed, determined to bring Monique back into both of our lives.

  Abe

  I sat in my VP’s office waiting for him to finish with his business call. I’d been out of work for two days. I’d told Nakyia I was taking a much needed mini-vacation. After my blowup with Taki, I went home and sat in my living room and thought about what my options were. I thought about filing a suit against her, but to do that meant that Nakyia would know I was cheating on her and I wasn’t willing to have that happen, because I wasn’t willing to lose my wife. I tried calling Taki, to see if she had finally calmed down and come to her senses, but she never answered her phone and didn’t return any of the messages I’d left for her at work or on her cell. To save my job, I was left with only one option. And that’s why I was in Brian’s office.

  I looked around at the numerous degrees he had hanging on his walls. He was an educated man, with both his bachelor and master’s degree in business. He’d been in advertising for twenty years, and at forty-five, was the only minority to hold a VP position with the company. I had a good working relationship with Brian. I’d golfed with him and a few other people from work, and I had been to his house for picnics and met his family.

  I looked at the family photograph he had on his desk. His two boys are his spitting image. His wife is a beautiful natural sister with mocha skin and Nubian locks and could have been a model, but instead of using her beauty, she used her brain and was an attorney like Nakyia.

  I went to Brian because I di
dn’t think he’d hesitate to help me out with my situation since I was the only one that knew he was cheating on his wife. I discovered his secret when I accompanied him on a business trip to New York one time. Taki was supposed to go, but she had gotten sick so I took her place.

  We stayed at the Waldorf-Astoria in Manhattan. After having a business dinner in the lounge with some potential clients, we went up to our rooms. Around one o’clock in the morning, my phone rang. It was Brian.

  “Abe, sorry to bother you, but I need a favor.”

  Half-asleep I said, “What’s up?” Knowing what a workaholic he was, I figured he wanted me to get some report or something for him, but work was hardly the thing he was working on.

  “I was so busy before we left that I forgot to bring condoms with me, and my friend doesn’t have any. Do you have any I could borrow?”

  Caught off guard by his request, I stayed quiet for a few seconds. “Condoms?” I finally said.

  Brian chuckled. “Look Abe, we’re both grown men. Yes, I have a wife, but I also have needs that she can’t fulfill. You’re a married man, so I know you understand how stressful being married can be.”

  “Yeah . . . I do.”

  “Good. So I can trust that you will keep this between you and me, right?”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “Good. Now do you have any condoms?”

  Because I hadn’t yet begun to fool around on Nakyia, I didn’t have any condoms to give him. We never spoke about that night after that and I never really thought I would need for him to return the favor. I was banking on it now, though.

  Brian finally hung up the phone and rocked back in his leather chair. He resembled Sidney Poitier with fewer wrinkles and less gray hair.