“Good.” Joey nodded. “’Cause I really, really need to go home.”
As they headed toward the cashier, Mark stopped by the tree with the baby ornaments and looked at Cedar. “Was there something here that you wanted?” he asked, looking at her intently. “You examined every one of these ornaments, Cedar. I was watching you do it. I’d like to buy you your favorite one since it’s obvious they mean something special to you.”
“Oh. No,” she said, picking an imaginary thread from her sweater. “I just thought they were very cute, that’s all. Thank you for the lovely offer, but…no, I don’t want…what I mean is…come on, Joey, let’s get in line at the cashier’s booth. This is a busy place tonight, so we’d best get our spot so we don’t have to stand there for a week.”
“’Kay,” Joey said, still clutching his precious purchase to his chest.
“Would you like the globe in a separate bag so you can carry it yourself?” Cedar asked.
“No, I don’t think so,” Joey said. “What if I drop it or something? Uncle Mark, will you carry it for me? But you gotta be super careful, you know?”
“You’d trust me with it?” Mark said, his heart doing a funny little two-step.
“Yeah,” Joey said. “I trust you, Uncle Mark.”
“Thank you,” Mark said, then cleared his throat, “for that trust, Joey.”
As they stood in the lengthy line, Mark stared at Cedar and narrowed his eyes. What was it going to take for Cedar to trust him as Joey did? She’d fumbled over her response to his offer to buy her a baby ornament, not meeting his gaze and sounding as phony as a three-dollar bill…if a three-dollar bill could talk. Damn it, was she pregnant with his baby? If she was, didn’t she intend to tell him, for God’s sake?
Well, he had news for Dr. Cedar Kennedy. At the first opportunity that arose he was going to confront her and get to the bottom of what was really going on. But, ah, damn, what was it going to take for Cedar to trust him the way Joey did?
The drive back to Mark’s was made in total silence, with Cedar and Mark lost in their own thoughts and Joey nodding off to sleep. Joey woke when they arrived at the house and insisted on finding the right place to put the globe in his room before he went to bed.
“Aren’t you coming, Cedar?” Joey asked, stopping as he and Mark started down the hallway toward his bedroom.
“I thought it best to wait for an invitation to go into your room, Joey,” she said.
“Oh. Well, I invite you.”
“Thank you,” she said, smiling as she joined them in the hall.
The globe was put in the chosen spot, Joey got into his pajamas, and they both kissed him good night. Mark tipped the globe upside down and they all watched the fluffy snow cascade over the skaters. Joey’s eyes drifted closed and he was asleep before they quietly left the room.
“Something to drink?” Mark asked, when he and Cedar were once again in the living room.
“A soda would hit the spot,” Cedar said.
“Want to add a bowl of ice cream to that?”
“No, I’m still full from all the pizza I indulged in. I’ll sit with you while you have ice cream, though.”
Mark nodded and they went into the kitchen. When they were finally seated across from each other at the table, Mark took a bite of his ice cream, then looked at Cedar. “Is there something you need to tell me?” he said.
“About the outing this evening?” Cedar said. “Well, the way Joey opened up about the snow globe was excellent. He trusts you now, Mark, and you should feel very good about that. You’re doing a wonderful job with him.”
“Thanks.” Mark consumed another spoonful of ice cream. “I appreciate what you just said, but I was referring to you, personally, needing to tell me something.”
Cedar frowned in confusion. “You’ve totally lost me.”
“Come on, Cedar.” Mark pushed the bowl aside and folded his arms on top of the table. “This is me, Mark, not some guy you just met a few hours ago. There was a lot more going on with you when you were looking at those baby ornaments than thinking they were cute. You’re patting me on the head because Joey has come to trust me, but what I’m wondering is why you don’t. Cedar, talk to me. What was going on with you and those baby ornaments?”
“Nothing. I—”
“I’m not buying that,” Mark interrupted. He reached over and grasped one of her hands. “Cedar, are you pregnant with my baby, our baby?”
The color drained from Cedar’s face and her voice was trembling when she spoke again. “And if I am?” she asked. “What then, Mark? How would you feel about that, about me carrying your child?” She pulled her hand free and crossed her arms beneath her breasts.
“How would I feel?” he said. “Oh, about one hundred feet tall. Thrilled out of my mind, that’s how I’d feel. Ah, Cedar, don’t you get it? I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you. I want to marry you, spend the rest of my life with you. We’d be a family, you, me, Joey, the baby I sure as hell hope you’re pregnant with right now. I swear to heaven, Cedar Kennedy, that I love you.”
Tears misted Cedar’s eyes and she attempted to blink them away. “You love me?” she asked. “And you hope I’m pregnant with your baby? That’s quite an announcement, Mark. I guess you’d be strutting your machismo stuff to think you got me pregnant despite our using protection when we made love. You’d want to watch me grow big with your baby, show me off to all your buddies as evidence of your virility. That’s what men want, isn’t it? To produce an heir, an extension of themselves, their very own biological child that will announce to the world that you were here on this earth. Right?”
“What are you so angry about?” he said, throwing up his hands. “What did I do wrong here? I mean, cripe, I declare my love for you, tell you that if you’re pregnant, it would be really fantastic, and you’re mad as hell. Can I have a clue as to what is going on in that complicated mind of yours?”
Cedar sighed, a sad, weary-sounding sigh. “I’m not pregnant, Mark,” she said softly, staring at the tabletop.
“Oh. Well, okay,” he said with a shrug. “But you want to be, right? That’s why you got all dewy looking at the baby ornaments.” He paused. “Cedar, do you love me as much as I love you? Do you?”
“Yes,” she whispered, “but—”
“All right!” he said, punching one fist in the air. “This is dynamite. We’ll get married and you can move in here instead of buying a different house. We’ll be a family, you, me, Joey and we’ll get started on creating that new baby. Oh, yeah, and we’ll get Oreo a red sweater and—”
“Stop it,” Cedar said, getting to her feet as tears slid down her cheeks. “I’m not going to marry you, Mark. Yes, I love you. I love Joey, too, but…no, you and I are not getting married. I’m not going to live here in this house, because I plan to buy a new place for me…for me and my…for me and my daughter.”
“What daughter?” Mark said, rising. “You just said that you’re not pregnant.”
“I’m not,” Cedar said, dashing the tears from her cheeks. “I’m adopting a baby girl when she’s born in a couple of months. I didn’t plan to tell anyone for fear the birth mother will change her mind at the last minute. But it’s so hard not to daydream about that child being mine and…that’s why I was looking at those ornaments the way that I was. I was imagining what it would be like next Christmas when Faith…I intend to name her Faith. I know I shouldn’t have given her a name yet, but I couldn’t help it. I want her to be mine so very much and…” She shook her head as a sob caught in her throat.
Mark walked around the table and drew Cedar into his embrace. “Look at me,” he said.
Cedar shook her head.
“Look…at…me.”
She raised her head slowly to meet his gaze, tears still glistening in her blue eyes.
“I won’t pretend I’m not a bit stunned that you’re planning to adopt a baby,” he said, “but it sure says a lot. It tells me you’re not as career-oriented as I thought, with no room
for anything other than your work. That’s great, Cedar.
“But are you refusing to marry me because you think I won’t accept your daughter as my own child, give her my name, be her daddy? If that’s where your mind went, then tell it to get back here because you’re wrong. If she’s your daughter, then she’s my daughter, too. Just the way Joey would be our son. You’re not giving me enough credit here.”
“But…”
“Faith. That’s nice. I like that name,” he said, smiling at her. “Oh, man, this house will be filled with love and laughter and the sound of happy kids and…marry me, Cedar. Please. We’ll be a family. A boy, a girl, then later…”
Cedar stepped back, breaking the embrace, and wrapped her hands around her elbows.
“Later what, Mark?” she whispered, her voice trembling. “We’ll have child number three? The one we create together?”
“Well, sure, yeah.”
“And if there isn’t a third baby? What then?”
“Hey,” Mark said, raising both hands. “Let’s slow down a tad. We’re getting way ahead of ourselves. You’re focusing on becoming a mother of a newborn. I can understand why you would feel overwhelmed discussing another kiddo after that. Put that subject on the back burner. Why don’t we talk about getting married?”
“No.”
“No getting married talk yet. Right.” Mark frowned. “Could you give me a hint as to what is a safe subject to address?”
“I…I think it would be best,” Cedar said, lifting her chin, “if we just zero in on getting Joey through this first Christmas without his parents. He’s doing so well, but it’s far too early in his healing process to get complacent. Yes, that’s what we should do. Concentrate on Joey.”
Mark nodded slowly. “Okay. Then after the holidays we circle back around to us, you and me, our future together and—”
“Just stay in the present, Mark. Focus on Joey.”
“Got it. Stay cool.” He smiled. “Am I allowed to tell you that I love you? And could you toss out an I-love-you-too-Mark every once in a while?”
“Well, I…well, not when Joey can hear those words spoken. He has enough to deal with right now.”
“You’re the shrinky-dink,” Mark said, “but personally I believe that kid would be thrilled out of his socks if we were to get married and he was to get a baby sister and Oreo the cat.”
“No, he’s on emotional overload right now. Look how he fell apart when he saw the snow globe. The holidays are going to be very difficult for him and—
“I get the picture,” Mark interrupted. “There’s a whole helluva lot of stuff being put on the back burner.” He sighed. “All right, Cedar, we’ll do this your way.”
“Thank you,” she said softly.
“But as soon as we see Joey safely through the holidays, then—”
“We’ll…talk.” Cedar managed to produce a small smile. “Your ice cream is turning soupy.”
“Oh. Well, it tastes just as good that way, so I’ll polish it off.” Mark settled back into his chair at the table. “Care to join me?”
Cedar nodded and slid into her chair again.
“I love you,” Mark said, looking at her. “You love me. Life is good. I’m a happy man.” He shifted his attention to his bowl of melting ice cream.
Right now, Mark was a happy man, Cedar thought miserably. And right now she was, without a doubt, the most selfish woman on the face of the earth.
Mark believed that everything would fall into place for them after the holidays. But that wasn’t true. Yes, she loved him. Oh, dear God, how she loved him. And to know that he loved her? It was beyond her wildest imagination.
But once the holidays were over and the new year had arrived, she wouldn’t be accepting Mark’s proposal. They wouldn’t be telling Joey that he was getting a family that included her, Faith and Oreo the cat. They wouldn’t be buying Oreo a red sweater.
No.
She couldn’t marry Mark Chandler.
Not now.
Not later.
Not ever.
Chapter Thirteen
On Friday morning a week later, Cedar entered the office to find Bethany already typing on her computer keyboard.
“I’m early,” Cedar said, smiling, “so that means you’re very early. It’s only a few weeks until Christmas. Are you trying to impress Santa Claus?”
“I’m just attempting to bring all these files up to date,” Bethany said. “You have been extremely busy, Dr. Kennedy.”
Cedar sighed. “I know, but it’s so typical for this time of year. The majority of extra appointments have been with foster kids who have been removed from their own families. I’ve seen most of them outside the office, in festive settings, so they have to confront feelings brought on by the holidays.”
“Is that what you’re doing with Joey? And Uncle Mark?” Bethany wiggled her eyebrows. “Joey hasn’t been in here in two weeks.”
“Well, yes, the best way to ease Joey through the holidays has been to decorate a Christmas tree, buy gifts, wrap them, then stand by ready to soothe and comfort him if he has a bad moment when remembering doing those things with his parents.”
“And how is he doing?”
“Joey is progressing well,” Cedar said. “You’ll see my notes when you get to his file. There have been a few tearful episodes about holiday details, but Mark has really bonded with him and Joey is willing to discuss how he feels. He trusts his Uncle Mark now.”
“Do you?”
“Do I what?” Cedar asked.
“Trust Mark Chandler,” Bethany said. “Come on, Cedar, give me a hint as to what is going on between you and Mark. I figured out he sent the flowers, remember? You’re spending just as much time with him as you are with Joey. Oh, that Joey is a heart-stealer, isn’t he? Then again, maybe so is his Uncle Mark? Yes?”
As Cedar mentally scrambled for a reply, the telephone rang.
“I adore telephones,” Cedar said, then made her escape into her office as Bethany lifted the receiver.
Cedar sank into the chair behind her desk and looked at the list of appointments she had that day that Bethany had placed squarely in the center of her desk. She leaned back and gently massaged her aching temples.
She was exhausted and the day had hardly begun. Yes, this was always a hectic time of year due to the needs of her young clients. But this year there was even more going on that was keeping her from getting the sleep she needed when she collapsed into bed each night.
She was living a charade, she thought, which was just a polite word for a lie. She could tell from the way Mark was acting that he believed they would be settling on a wedding date when they had their ever-famous talk after the holidays. He laughed easily, his smiles were genuine and there was such love shining in his eyes when he looked at her…and when they made love.
She’d lost count of how many times she’d become overwhelmed with guilt and started to tell Mark the truth, that she would not be accepting his proposal of marriage. But then she’d hesitate and the moment would be lost. She didn’t want to ruin Mark’s and Joey’s Christmas. Or her own, to be truthful. She wanted—needed—the memories because that was all she would have so very, very soon.
“Well, well,” Bethany mused, entering Cedar’s office after knocking, “that was an interesting telephone conversation.”
“Oh?” Cedar said, relieved to be pulled from her tormented thoughts.
“Yes, indeedy,” Bethany said, settling into one of the chairs in front of Cedar’s desk. “It was our baby-having-a-baby Cindy calling. She was in a rush and was talking a hundred miles an hour. She just wanted me to give you a message.”
Cindy changed her mind about the baby, Cedar thought, stiffening in her chair and feeling the color drain from her face. Oh, dear God, no.
“What…what did…she say?” she said, hearing the trembling in her voice.
Bethany beamed. “She said that she was so excited that you had agreed to adopt her baby girl that she forgot
to double-check the one thing she wanted you to promise her. She said not to forget the bunny wallpaper.”
“Oh,” Cedar took a needed breath and placed a hand over her racing heart. “Thank God. I thought maybe…yes, of course, bunny wallpaper.”
“I should be upset that you didn’t tell me you were adopting Cindy’s baby,” Bethany said, “but I’m so thrilled for you that I won’t pout. Oh, Cedar, you’re going to be a mommy. This is fantastic. You can bring the baby to the office when she’s small. I’ll be in heaven. But why didn’t you tell me you had this in motion? What does Mark think about you suddenly being a package deal, with more in that bundle than just Oreo?”
“Bethany, stop,” Cedar said. “In the first place, I didn’t tell you about the baby because I don’t want to jinx things. I haven’t even told my own parents. I still can’t shake the fear that Cindy will change her mind.”
“That’s understandable,” Bethany said, nodding, “but I don’t think there’s any chance of that now that I’ve spoken to her on the phone. She told me she’s going to learn to surf when she moves to California with her family after the baby is born. That little girl is already looking to the future and it doesn’t include having a baby in tow.”
“I hope you’re right.” Cedar paused. “As for Mark, my decision has nothing to do with him. Faith will be my baby, my daughter. I’ll be one of the multitude of single women balancing a career and motherhood. My family will be made up of me, Faith and Oreo.”
“Faith. That’s a pretty name. Does Mark like it?”
“Bethany, aren’t you listening to me at all?” Cedar said, her voice rising. “Mark is not in the picture.”
“Oh, baloney,” Bethany said, getting to her feet. “I’ve seen the soft smiles when you say Mark’s name, the flush on your cheeks, heard the way you talk about Joey.” She frowned. “Honey, what are you afraid of? Why are you denying your feelings for Mark?”
Cedar picked up the list of appointments for the day. “I don’t wish to discuss this further, Bethany,” she said. “Please.”
“All right, but I’m here if you want to talk.” Bethany started toward the door. “I’m going out on my lunch break to buy some yarn so I can knit a sweater for Faith. Oh, that is a lovely name. I can hardly wait to get my hands on that wee one.”
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