Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy

by Martha Long

  ‘Yeah! An we missed ye, too!’ they murmured.

  ‘I think it’s time to get that little one into bed,’ Sister Eleanor muttered, looking at me and nodding her head at Agnes, who was busying herself examining Dinah and Sally’s new frocks.

  ‘Lookit! I got a new pah a shoes!’ she was saying te the girls, stepping back and pulling up her Little Bo Peep frock, sticking out her tiny little black patent shoe with a black bow on the top. ‘In dey luverley?’ she shouted in a squeak.

  We all started laughing at the way she can speak like a bluearse fly.

  ‘Goodness! Isn’t she marvellous the way she can speak so well?’ breathed Sister Eleanor, her eyes out on stalks, absolutely besotted with Agnes.

  I couldn’t get over her and the rest of them. They’re lovely, I thought te meself, looking around at them, still finding it hard te believe they are here with me. God! They look terribly thin, though, and their faces are very pasty, with dark circles under their eyes. But good food and a clean bed with warm clothes would soon have them looking a lot healthier. But they may not be staying long enough for that.

  ‘I better get over to the convent, Martha,’ Sister Eleanor whispered te me, seeing the nursery nun, Sister James Teresa flying out the door. ‘Get them into bed. I will be late for the chapel.’

  ‘Yes, Sister.’

  ‘I better get these two little girls off to bed, too,’ said Miss. She made te take their hands and all the children started getting anxious.

  The boys moved closer te me, looking up at me with fear in their eyes, and Teddy muttered, ‘Don’t go, Marta! We don’t want te be left here.’

  Harry started wringing his hands, moving from one foot te the other, and the girls were whimpering, moving closer te me, grabbing hold of me skirt. Agnes let a piercing scream outa her. ‘No! I wan te go wit you, Bar ta. No!’ and she started dancing up and down with the fright.

  ‘Listen, boys! I’m going up te put the girls te bed, and . . . come on, ye! Little light of me life!’ I whipped Agnes up in me arms, saying, ‘I’m going te take her with me, and when I get back I’ll read ye a story. Will that be all right?’

  ‘Yeah! Ye mean tha?’ Teddy asked me, looking inta me eyes with the eyes of an old man.

  ‘Of course I will, darling. I would never let ye down. If I say I am going te do something, then I will do it,’ I said, grabbing their heads and giving them a quick kiss. ‘Now, look! Everyone else is in the bed; you two get inta yer pyjamas and get nice and snug in yer new beds. Go on! Hurry!’

  ‘Yeah!’ they shouted, delighted.

  I watched them race off, the two of them watching each other te see who would be first. ‘Will yeh read us a story, too?’ a little voice came from over by the wall.

  I looked over, seeing a little fella of three lifting his head and asking me with a very serious look on his face, like this was the most serious thing in the world!

  ‘Yeah! Of course I will, Arthur! I’ll read ye’s all a story,’ I said, laughing.

  ‘Naw! She’s naw yer sista!’ roared Agnes, leaning outa me arms, waving her hand over at the little fella, sounding like a real little aul one!

  ‘Ah, be nice te the other babbies,’ I said, shaking her up and down in me arms.

  ‘Martha! Wake up!’

  I struggled te lift me head, not knowing what was happening. ‘Wha . . . what’s wrong?’ I said, looking up inta the face of Sister Eleanor leaning over me.

  ‘It’s Agnes. She’s roaring her head off, screaming for you! Quickly! Run down to the nursery and lie with her until she goes back to sleep.’

  I rubbed me eyes, seeing it was the middle of the night and everyone sound asleep and snoring their heads off, all snugly dug under their blankets.

  I spent hours last night trying te get her te sleep, and eventually she dropped off! ‘Sister Eleanor, I’m very tired,’ I moaned, still not awake, hoping she’d leave me alone.

  ‘I can imagine!’ she muttered. ‘Go down quickly, for the love of God. She has the whole nursery in uproar.’

  I dived outa the bed, throwing me cardigan over me nightdress, and put on me shoes, heading off te the nursery while Sister Eleanor headed off te her room te catch up on a bit of sleep in whatever was left of the night. I shivered in the cold. The house was freezing and a draught hit me as I rounded the passage heading down te the nursery. Only night lights flickered along the passage, and I could hear the wind howling out through the television room door, screaming up from the end passages, sounding like the Banshee, threatening te freeze the legs off me. I pulled the nightdress tighter around me legs and gripped hold of me cardigan, sinking me neck down inta it.

  ‘Bar ta,’ she sobbed, sitting up in the bed. Poor Vanessa Andrewson was sitting on her bed looking shell-shocked, rubbing her eyes, and collapsed down inta it as soon as I arrived.

  ‘I wanted ye te come! Don’t go away, will ye?’

  ‘No, darling,’ I said, grabbing hold of her and tucking her under the blankets; her little arms are icy cold. ‘Come on, baby! Cuddle inta me.’ I lay on the bed, wrapping the blankets around her, and snuggled her in beside me as I lay on top of the bed with her wrapped under me arm and stroked her head, murmuring a quiet Brahms lullaby. ‘Shush! Go to sleep, Go to sleep . . . Deh Deh Dah Deh!’

  Her eyes kept flickering open and shut. She was exhausted but terrified I would go and leave her. ‘Ye won’t go on me, will ye, Bar ta?’ she murmured.

  ‘No, baby. I’ll stay with ye.’

  I dozed, aware of the cold, then opened me eyes, hearing her breathing. It’s quite even. She’s out for the count. I stirred meself, holding me breath and trying te float off the bed, not daring te wake her. I stood up, staring down at her. I’ve seen bigger dolls! She’s so tiny. I watched te see if she would stir, then she suddenly turned her head on the pillow, giving a little whimper. I held me breath, waiting. No! She’s inta a deep sleep now. Thank God! I let me breath out slowly without making a sound and crept outa the nursery, dragging meself along the dimly lit passage, hearing the winter winds howling in a fury, rattling the heavy window frames, and rain pelted the glass while the wind whistled around the passages. I listened as a door banged open and shut somewhere along the top passages, the wind finding an opening and tearing in from the outside playing fields. I took the stairs one at a time, feeling drained after the week that was in it. Christmas is just around the corner! I could smell the faint aroma of baking coming from Mercy’s kitchen still lingering in the air. Please God me little family will have a good Christmas for the first time in their life; they got here just in time.

  CHAPTER 13

  Irushed up, heading for the convent passage, when I heard the children coming back from the Christmas party. Me heart was flying. I was dying te know how they got on; the poor kids never even heard of a party, never mind go te one. I had only been te two. Then it was over for me because I started working. But I will never forget it! Me first time ever te get to go te a party! Gawd, it was magic! The fuss they made of us from the moment we set foot in the place. It was factory workers, clubbing their money together and saving up for the orphans’ party. That’s what this place is seen as, an orphanage! It drives the kids here mad. ‘We’re not orphans!’ they roar at the local village people who look and shake their heads, saying with pity, ‘Ah, look! There go the poor orphans on their Sunday afternoon walk.’ Jaysus! I could live with that. These orphans are not doing too bad.

  But that first party I went te! They handed us out party hats and balloons, and bags of sweets, and played party games. Some of the men, the workers, were getting up and singing all the songs the kids wanted te hear. ‘Jingle Bells’, ‘Ye better watch out! Santa’s on his way’. We roared our heads off, then jumped around the place dancing te the music!

  It still haunts me when I hear the words of a song being played: ‘Train whistle blowing . . . all along the bay’. I stood listening te the words, me hands full of sweets, and me jaws working up and down lorrying sweets down me neck. Then a
s the words hit me, and the music seeped inta the core of me, I suddenly stopped chewing and looked around at all the children laughing happily and the decorations and the different-coloured lights and the people running te make children happy. It hit me. A terrible feeling of sadness came over me. People doing so much for the children, because it’s Christmas, and they have no mammies. But I had a mammy, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen people all standing around watching and rushing te see if we are having a good time, and I felt like a child for the first time I can ever remember. I was feeling all this while the music was playing, and I wanted te be on that train all along the bay . . . ‘and underneath the blankets go all the girls and boys’. I had a picture of children being safe and happy, and I wanted te be one of them. I was a child, an ye get minded when ye’re a child! I was feeling happy, and special, but even as I felt it, it was slipping away from me, and I knew then me time was running out. Because soon I would be big. And I’d never get te find out what it was really like te be a child for long. Yeah! The Christmas party. I will remember that day te me dying day. And that music! That song brings it all back. Magic! I’m a child again, feeling the happiness and the sadness all mixed together. I’d get te meet Santa! The man I gave up on a long time ago, knowing some things never happen. But it was all happening for me! I’m having me first Christmas. And it’s like stepping inta one of the fairy-tale books I used te rob for meself. Yeah! It was the most precious time of me life . . . I was a child and I felt like a child, even as it slipped away from me.

  I felt tears spilling down me cheeks and I smiled, wiping them away. Now me little sisters and brothers are getting their turn.

  I heard the stampede of feet running along the convent passage and I whipped open the door as a gang of happy children ran through me, knocking me te one side. I looked at the faces, seeing Dinah and Sally walking through the crowd, getting bumped. They looked lovely, wearing hats with pom-poms, and their long fair hair hanging over their lovely warm coats. They had long scarves wrapped around their neck, and boots with red tights; little Sally’s was white. Dinah was holding onto a big doll, and Sally had a Rupert the Bear; she carried it like a baby.

  I pushed me way through, shouting, ‘Dinah! Sally!’

  They looked up, seeing me, then I noticed Dinah was crying.

  ‘I’m here! What happened? Why are ye crying? Come on!’ I grabbed the two of them, taking their hands, and looked around for Teddy and Harry. Agnes’s nursery group was not back yet. They’ll probably be back soon; they went in a separate bus.

  ‘What’s wrong with ye?’ I said, kneeling down te them, pulling them outa the way inta the corner of the landing.

  ‘A big one punched her in the stomach, Marta!’ Sally whispered, looking like she wanted te cry as well.

  ‘Who? Where? Why?’ I asked in shock. They were terrified. Afraid te lift their eyes and look around.

  I looked around at the group standing and waiting for the Miss te arrive and herd them off te bed. A big young one stood staring and smirking at us.

  ‘She did!’ Dinah said, holding her stomach and sobbing.

  I jumped up, whirling around, and flew at the young one. ‘Did you hit me little baby sister?’ I asked her, feeling the colour drain outa me.

  ‘Yeah! So what?’

  ‘Ye whore’s melt!’ I landed her such a smack on the side of her face, sending her flying. ‘Ye big fucking eejit. What age are ye? Twelve?’ Then I felt an electric bolt going through me head as I turned around seeing her big fat friend, a big young one from my group, come steaming at me.

  ‘Bitch! Long! Don’t you dare hit my friend again or I’ll kill you.’

  I took a flying kick at the young one again, sending her flying backwards and smacking her back inta the stairs. ‘That’s for a start,’ I snorted, as Fatty came flying at me again with both claws out, ready te grab me hair and claw me eyes out. I ducked, grabbing her by the back of the hair, tearing her towards the banisters, and keeping well back I swung her head over, jerking her down, then dived in, pressing her neck up as far as I could get it with the palm of me right hand and holding her hair tightly gripped in me fists with me left hand, pulling her head down. I tugged for all I was worth, forcing her te arch her back, sending her nearly flying over the staircase and, jumping back, landed an unmerciful kick in her stomach.

  I was icy cold! First it was only me. Now they pick on me helpless little sister, and they’ll pick them off one by one unless they learn a lesson. ‘Don’t you or yer bitch of a friend ever mess with me or my family again,’ I snorted, outa breath. ‘Or next time ye will be needin a bleedin hospital.’

  The door flew open and Sister Eleanor came flying in looking from me te the fat cow holding her stomach, and roaring, ‘What’s happening here? What’s been happening? Come on, children, go up to your dormitories. In front of the children, Martha! How could you?’

  I looked at Dinah and Sally; they were white as sheets. ‘Come on, girls, I’ll take ye up te yer beds and I want te hear everything about yer party. Did ye have a great time?’ I whispered te the two of them. ‘Did ye see Santa Claus?’

  ‘Yeah! We got a dolly an a teddy bear,’ they whispered, still in shock at seeing their sister get inta a terrible fight after being attacked themselves.

  I was feeling like me heart was breaking; the whole fucking thing ruined. Them bastards are animals. I couldn’t let it go when the bastard threw down the challenge! Otherwise they would all turn on the babies later on in the dormitory. That fucker needed te know she can’t look crooked at me babies! Yeah! I did what I had te do. Or it would be worse again for them next time. ‘Listen, Dinah! That big young one won’t come near ye again. She knows I’m watching her, so ye won’t be afraid, will ye?’

  ‘No!’ They shook their heads, a faraway look in their eyes, thinking about this. Then Dinah’s face lit up in a smile. ‘She knows ye will kill her, Marta.’

  ‘Yeah! I’d only kill her, so don’t mind them.’

  ‘OK! Yeah, OK!’ they smiled, Dinah letting her neck slip inside her coat, giggling. Enjoying the thought she was safe because I was around te protect them.

  ‘Martha! Wake up!’

  I shot up in the bed looking inta Sister Eleanor’s face.

  ‘Quickly, get up to the parlour. Jesus help us! The young couple who took Agnes for Christmas have had to bring her back. She’s up there now, screaming her head off, waking the whole convent up! It’s twelve o’clock at night. Hurry! Get dressed like a good girl,’ she said, humping me outa the bed while I was still sitting staring at her, trying te get me senses back.

  I jumped outa bed, diving inta me clothes, and followed her quickly outa the dormitory.

  ‘Jesus wept!’ Sister Eleanor wailed. ‘They are a lovely couple. She left with them earlier this evening.’

  ‘Yeah, I missed her when I went down te the nursery. They said she’d left already; that was just after tea.’

  ‘Yes, the couple were delighted with her, but she screamed the house down when they got her to their home! They had to ring the convent, Martha!’ she whispered, shocked at the idea. ‘And take her all the way back. She wouldn’t settle. They said she kept screaming for you.’

  ‘Oh hell, that really is a shame. What an awful pity, Sister.’

  ‘Yes, but it can’t be helped. She’s back now. I had to hurry down to get you. She took one look at me and went hysterical! I couldn’t get near her. Come on! Hurry! Can you hear the screams?’

  I could hear the screams from here as we hit the chapel passage. ‘Gawd! The nuns will go mad in the morning, Sister,’ I puffed, getting outa breath, ‘with all the goings on!’

  I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, flying between the children and sleeping beside the baby every night te get her te sleep. Then rushing in the morning te get me work done, and thinking and worrying about them when I wasn’t with them.

  Sister Eleanor threw open the door te the convent parlour, and me eyes peeled down te a little fairy
in a white fur coat and matching fur hat, standing looking like she was only a few inches off the ground. Agnes stood screaming in a continuous pitch, her tongue hanging out and her eyes keeping a watch, flying around at any movement and belting out at anyone who came near her.

  I looked up at the lovely young couple standing beside each other, both of them stooping down te Agnes. The young wife had her hands out, and she was telling Agnes everything was fine. ‘Look who’s here to see you.’

  And the husband was bending down with his hands on his knees and his eyebrows turned up, staring at her like he was going te cry because the baby was having nothing te do with them.

  ‘Agnes! What’s wrong with ye?’ I stooped down te look at her and she flew at me, diving inta me lap.

  ‘Tha buckers are tryin te rob me!’ she complained in a high squeak, pointing at them and staring back. ‘Now me big sista is goin te kill youse!’ she suddenly roared.

  ‘Shush!’ I put her face inta me chest. ‘No, no, Agnes! Ye can’t say that! They only wanted te take ye te see Santa Claus, and buy ye a big dolly, and mind ye until me ma comes outa hospital,’ I said, looking inta her face.

  ‘Naw! I want te stay wit you!’ she started te roar.

  ‘Shush! OK!’

  The couple were looking sad and fascinated with the size of her and the stuff coming outa her mouth. ‘Oh, she’s gorgeous,’ the woman said sadly, shaking her head at her, feeling the loss at not being able te take her for the Christmas.

  ‘Where did ye get the lovely coat, Agnes?’

  ‘She pur it on a me!’ Agnes said, pulling the two sides together and hanging onta it as if the woman was going te take it back.

  ‘Oh! And look at yer lovely white fur muff te put yer two hands through,’ I said, feeling it.

  ‘Yeah! Dat’s mine too!’ she said, throwing her eyes, giving a warning look over at the couple.

  They roared laughing. ‘Yes, of course it belongs to you, Agnes,’ the lady said. ‘We bought it specially for you! Remember? We took you to the shop.’