Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy

by Martha Long

  ‘Thelma, come on! Show me where I’m going te be sleeping. Do I have te share with someone?’ Me heart leapt. Jaysus! They could put me in with the granny, or have me sleep in the front room with the dog scratching te get in. ‘Am I on my own?’

  ‘Yeah! Course you are, we have five bedrooms!’

  ‘Ye have? Gawd! Ye have a big house.’

  ‘I suppose so. Let’s go.’

  I followed her out onta a big landing and down onta a smaller one and up some steps inta a small bedroom. ‘You’re in here,’ she said, flinging the door open and switching on the light.

  My eyes flew around the room, taking in the rosy wine curtains with fancy rope pelmets. They were very heavy and hung down te the wooden floorboards that are black varnish. I made a move te the single bed with the carved wooden bed ends and the same matching bedspread as Thelma. I have a bedside locker with a shelf for putting yer book in or whatever ye like, and a pink lamp, with a dressing table and a wardrobe in the corner, with a mirror in the door. ‘This is lovely, Thelma,’ I said, smelling the lovely lavender polish, and opening the door te the wardrobe, smelling the mothballs. The smell of the room cheered me up, making me feel a sense of everything being clean and in its place, and that gives me a sense of peace. Makes me easy in meself.

  ‘I am going down te the hall te get me bag.’

  ‘OK! See you when you come downstairs.’

  I ran down, picking up me case. It’s light as a feather. I probably didn’t need it, but still, it’s nice te think I’m going somewhere, that I’m really on me holidays.

  I flew up te me room, shutting the door quietly, and made for me bed, landing down the case and taking out me stuff. I’ll just leave me nightdress here. Pity I couldn’t get me hands on a pair of them new pyjamas. But Sister Eleanor said they are all given out. I wonder where I was when she was giving them out after they came back from the laundry. Probably in the convent. Anyway! I have a whole room te meself. This is more like it. Nobody will bother me, and I can come up here and read or do what I want.

  I kept me good stuff in the case and put it in the wardrobe. Just so nobody will come in and maul them! I don’t like me things being touched. The bleeding cows in the convent are always robbing me stuff. I’ve been dug outa many a pile a bodies, me usually at the bottom a them, ending up in threadbare order after a massive hair pulling. But it’s never a fair fight! No! They all jump in te protect each other against me, the street kid! Well, the overgrown cows would need their cronies’ back-up! Because when I lose me rag, then it’s hair, teeth and bones that start flying! No! This is nice; no one will bother me here.

  I lifted back the quilt, looking at the tan wool blankets with the gold satin on the edge, and the lovely white sheets with the embroidery on the pillowcase. They smelled of lavender. This is great! I sat meself down and just took in the room. I looked up at the brass light hanging down from the ceiling, and jumped up, putting the lamp on the locker on and switched off the big light. I could hear Christmas carols coming from the radio downstairs in the kitchen when the door opened, and the sound of laughing and the smell of cooking. She must be cooking for tomorrow! This is lovely.

  I lay down on the blankets, pulling the bedspread back and throwing off me shoes and twisting me back and arse on the soft mattress. Bouncing up and down, getting comfortable and resting meself. I felt very nervous inside meself all day, and me head was feeling tight and hot. But now I don’t have te be on my guard with being in me own lovely room. Ah, thank you, God! This is the life!

  I woke up feeling icy cold and looked around wondering where I was. I couldn’t see the line of black iron beds or hear the snoring coming from all directions. Me head flew around the room, trying te take in the new surroundings. Oh, I’m not in the convent. I went te a family! Gawd! I must have fallen asleep. I listened, not a sound, everybody must be gone te bed. I dived outa me clothes and inta me nightdress, and under the sheets and blankets, feeling the heat from lying on top of the bed, and snuggled down, wriggling and coughing and smelling the lavender. Oh, this is definitely the life, I tittered, having the lovely feeling of me eyes going very heavy, then felt meself sinking inta a world of peace and order with a smile on me face.

  CHAPTER 17

  ‘In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Go in peace! And may I wish you all a Happy Christmas,’ the priest said, blessing the congregation with his hands in the air and pointed sideways te us, then kneeling and bowing te the tabernacle and walking off the altar, heading in te the sacristy with the little altar boys, one on each side of him.

  ‘The Mass is over,’ Thelma said and smiled at me. ‘Let’s go quick!’ And she was moving fast, trying te get going before all the grannies and the mammies and daddies with the small children started moving.

  We were outa the church ahead of the rest and looked at each other’s style. ‘I like your hipster skirt. Pity you don’t have black patent shoes to match,’ she said, eyeing me from me pink polo neck jumper te me wine skirt with the matching thick belt and the gold buckle, down te me new white knee socks and me shoes. I looked down at me brown shoes with the strap across, and, yeah, somehow there’s something missing. I never really thought about it before, because the other eejits just make a laugh of me. But Thelma is nice, and she’s kind.

  ‘Do ye think I would look better, Thelma?’

  ‘Definitely! And a white jumper to match the white socks would be lovely. Or a black polo neck to match the shoes. But you’re too young for black, that’s only for older people.’

  ‘Yeah! Pity I haven’t got a white jumper,’ I said, feeling very disappointed I’m not really looking smashing. ‘Where did ye get yer kilt from, Thelma?’ I said, eyeing her long red-and-green kilt, with the big Tara brooch and the off-white new Arran jumper, with the red knee socks and black patent shoes, like the ones I would like, with a little bow on the front.

  ‘Oh, Mammy bought the kilt from a little shop back home in the country. Well, Mammy and Daddy are from Roscommon, so they call it back home.’

  ‘Ye look lovely, Thelma, really nice,’ I said, standing back te take in the style of her.

  ‘Thanks!’ she said, happily jigging up and down and tapping her new black patent shoes.

  I stayed quiet, not really wanting te show off me style I thought I had in me suitcase. Still, they’re nearly new. I only got them six months ago!

  ‘There you are, girls,’ the mammy said, with the breath coming outa her mouth and her nose looking red from the cold. She was wearing a lovely new long tan coat with a new white-and-gold scarf with a lovely glittering diamond brooch in the middle and a fur hat te match the coat, and black patent high-heel shoes. I looked at her lovely red lipstick and blue eyeshadow and powder on her face. She really looks lovely, all dolled up te the nines.

  ‘Where’s Daddy?’ she said, looking around, seeing the granny and grandad moseying over te us, all done up in style, too.

  ‘He’ll be along shortly, he’s gabbing teh John Joe O’Reilly from back home,’ the granny shouted, seeing the mammy looking around for him.

  ‘Where?’ she whipped her head around, getting impatient. ‘Thelma, go and find your father and tell him we have to get going straight away. My goose will be burnt to a cinder! Hurry! And bring Joseph.’

  The car heaved up te the front door, and I lifted meself off the granny’s lap, only managing a little, me head was stuck te the roof, and Thelma was squashed on the mammy’s lap with the uncle buried in the middle, with Joseph sitting on the grandad’s lap.

  ‘Safe and sound, home again,’ sang the daddy.

  ‘Let us out! For the love a gawd! I can’t breathe,’ screamed the mammy, and Thelma screamed, ‘Move, Grandad; get out, Joseph,’ who was looking at her, laughing, with her head stuck out the window.

  ‘Get a move on, Paidir Murphy!’ shouted the granny.

  The daddy heaved himself outa the car and pulled back the seat, and I was flying out the car all hunched up, and look
ing back at the granny standing and sitting, trying te get herself moving.

  ‘The grandad is an awful torment,’ muttered the mammy, giving the granny a push.

  ‘Hurry! I want to get out and see my Christmas presents,’ Thelma moaned.

  ‘I’m getting there first,’ roared Joseph, making for the door, pressing himself against it and turning his head, looking for someone te open the door.

  ‘Don’t you dare!’ screamed Thelma. ‘Mammy! Don’t let him touch the presents without me!’

  ‘Stop all the shouting, children. Nobody is opening any presents until we are all ready!’ shouted the mammy.

  ‘Are yeh right, Granny?’ the daddy said, helping the granny outa the car.

  ‘Dat’s a crucifixion!’ breathed the granny, trying te get her breath back.

  I stood back, waiting for everyone te peel themselves outa the car, feeling the chilly wind without me green coat. It wouldn’t go with me good clothes. I’d look foolish on a day like today. Everyone made a run for the front door, the mammy turning the key, and the rest galloped in behind her. Even the granny was trying te gallop in her new black granny laced-up high-heel boots, getting herself knocked sideways in the rush and shouting, ‘Mind me! Yeh’s will kill me yet, with the hurry on yeh’s!’

  They all made straight for the front room and the Christmas tree with the pile a presents wrapped around the floor underneath. The mammy flew down the hall, making for her goose, shouting, ‘Don’t open anything without me! I’ll be along in a minute when I baste me bird.’

  ‘What have we here? What did Santa Claus bring us?’ said the daddy, walking in, slowly rubbing his hands together and bending himself te the floor looking at all the presents.

  ‘What did I get?’ screamed Thelma, dropping on her knees, grabbing up parcels.

  ‘Where’s mine?’ screamed Joseph, diving on the lot of them, picking up armfuls, his head twisting and his eyes crossing trying te take everything in at once. Then dropping small ones and grabbing up the big parcels, and looking at the names. ‘This is for me, and one for you! There’s yours, Thelma,’ and he threw it down beside her.

  ‘Records! I got . . . Where’s the record player, Daddy? Oh, did you get me the record player I asked for?’ She was nearly crying with shock and excitement.

  ‘Keep looking,’ the daddy muttered, watching the two of them and reaching out for a present, looking at the name and handing it te the granny.

  ‘Oh, what is it?’ muttered the granny, squinting at the little card on it.

  ‘And here’s yours, Grandad.’

  ‘Begad! One for me an all!’ he said, eyeing the big soft parcel.

  ‘Yeh started without me,’ roared the mammy, laughing and rushing inta the room with a big red face on her from all the rushing.

  I moved back, feeling a bit foolish. I might be in the way, and they wouldn’t be easy, either, with me watching, maybe thinking they had te give me something when they weren’t even expecting me, when I only got here last night. I wonder if it would look OK if I shift meself out. Would they think I’m being insulting?

  I saw the mammy whisper te the granny and give me a sideways glance. Jaysus! They’re talking about me! I made for the door, smiling, saying, ‘I’ll be back in a minute. Just going te the toilet,’ I mumbled in the mammy’s direction.

  I rushed down the hall and up the stairs, making for me room. I flew in the door, shutting it quietly behind me, and walked over te the window. I stood looking out at the frost on the bare trees in the big back garden, me eyes landing on the swings, two of them together, and the see-saw. The dog was running around the garden trying te catch a white cat sitting on the high wall staring down at him.

  Jaysus! I’m glad te be outa there until they get all their stuff. I was feeling a right gobshite! Yeah! It’s nice of them te have me here, that’s very good of them. But I’m not one of them, and I don’t want te be reminded of that. Gawd! The more we get, the more we want. Here I am standing in a lovely room going te get a lovely Christmas dinner, and I feel like crying because Thelma has a mammy and daddy that think the world of her, and I feel left out in the cold. Yet, I could be with Jackser and the ma, having hell on earth now along with the other kids, and yet I’m still feeling a bit hard done by! If Charlie was here now, he’d be the happiest boy in the world! Stop yer carry-on and be grateful! Yeah! God is looking after ye, otherwise ye wouldn’t be here now; ye could be still stuck with that bandy-legged aul bastard Jackser! On the other hand, there’s no fucking way in hell I would be still there. I’d be living in England and working away, making a new life for meself. Right! I’m going down te enjoy meself. It’s all in yer head. They won’t be taking any notice of ye!

  ‘Martha?’ I rushed over te the door, opening it, and heard the mammy say, ‘Where is she?’

  ‘I’m coming!’ I flew down the stairs, seeing her waiting for me.

  ‘Come here to me, pet,’ she said, holding out her hand and giving me a present. ‘This is for you!’

  ‘Me?’

  I opened the red Christmas wrapping paper, taking me time not wanting te tear the paper, and took out a light-blue cardigan with buttons all down the front, feeling the soft wool. ‘Ah, thanks, Mam, it’s lovely,’ I said, looking at her with the worried look in her face in case I didn’t like it.

  ‘Granny has the same one in white,’ roared Joseph. ‘Look!’

  I looked at the granny grinding her false teeth and shaking her fist at Joseph. ‘Oh, sorry! I was just saying,’ Joseph mumbled, looking shifty and whipping his head around looking for more presents.

  I laughed, seeing the poor mammy go bright beetroot in the face and the granny rolling her eyes te the ceiling, muttering, ‘That child hasn’t a pick a sense.’

  ‘No! I really like it,’ I said, feeling sorry for the poor mammy feeling she got caught out giving me one of the granny’s presents.

  I fitted it up te meself, seeing it was a bit long, but I’ll grow inta it, and now I have something new te wear. No, it won’t go with this skirt, pity! But I can wear it with me other skirt and frock; it will be lovely with me white blouse I have.

  ‘Look what I got!’ screamed Thelma, showing me her new record player that ye lift the lid and sit the record down and it plays. ‘I got two new records, one of the Beatles singing ‘A Hard Day’s Night’, and Elvis singing ‘Heartbreak Hotel’. Ohhh! I can’t wait to play them. And look what else I got! A new maxi coat.’ She whipped it on, fastening the silver buttons with a big collar going up around her neck and tying the belt, whirling herself around te show it off. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘It’s lovely, Thelma,’ I said, admiring it, wishing I had one like that. Pity about me new one, but still, I’m happier letting me ma have it. I just have te be patient and save up te buy another one. I have everything ahead of me. ‘Ye look lovely in that,’ I said, looking at the mammy throwing her eye over Thelma, staring at the style of her and shaking her head, looking satisfied it suits her all right.

  ‘Ohhh! Thanks, Mammy!’ And she threw her arms around the mammy, making her laugh, saying, ‘You look lovely in that coat, love! I’m delighted it looks so well on you. Now! I’d better get back to the kitchen or there will be no dinner this day.’

  ‘Bang! Bang, bang! Got yeh all!’ shouted Joseph, standing in his cowboy suit, with his hat on, waving two guns with smoke coming out.

  ‘Take dem tings out teh the back garden,’ roared the granny, getting a shock, jumping with the fright. ‘Yeh will blow us all up with the smell a dem caps.’

  ‘They’re not real, Granny!’ laughed Joseph, saying, ‘I’m going out to play with Scrapper!’

  He was gone, flying out the door, not listening te the daddy shouting, ‘Don’t scare the shite outa tha dog!’

  ‘Tut, tut! Don’t be using dat kind of language to the child,’ said the granny, glaring at the daddy, who rubbed his hands, jumping up from the armchair and going over te the sideboard and opening a bottle of Paddy Irish Whiskey, pouring one
for himself and saying, ‘Will yeh all have a drop?’ holding the bottle out te everyone.

  ‘Yeh know I don’t drink!’ said the granny, throwing her eye at the bottle and fixing her new long frock over her legs and pulling off her boots. ‘Ohhh! The pain in me bunions, dem new boots are crippling me altogether! I’ll just have a drop teh deaden the pain in me corns,’ she moaned, watching him pour out a drink for himself after handing one te the grandad, and pouring a little drop for her. ‘Fill the glass!’ she roared, watching him. ‘It will do me for the rest of the day!’

  ‘Oh, begad! She’ll end up plastered teh the floor yet before the day is done,’ laughed the grandad, lifting his shoulders te his neck and munching on his false teeth, smiling and guzzling down the drink.

  ‘I’ll have none of yure aul chat outa yeh now, Paidir Murphy! I’m just as entitled teh enjoy meself as you and the rest of yeh’s,’ Granny snorted, looking at the drink and flying it down her neck, saying, ‘It does a body good all the same teh get a bit a the craythur comforts,’ then smacking her lips and wiping them with the back of her hand, and slapping the nearly empty glass down on the table beside her armchair.

  The daddy switched on the big Bush radio, and the green eye came on. Then the room lit up with the sound of the ‘Little Drummer Boy’ being sung on the radio. ‘Ropa bom bom!’ we all sang, joining in the song.

  ‘Dinner!’ shouted the uncle, and Thelma flew in shouting, ‘Come on, everybody! Dinner is ready. Daddy! Mammy wants you to carve the goose. Where’s Joseph?’

  The granny stood up and flapped her arms out, getting dizzy. I grabbed her, holding her arm. ‘Thanks, Martha, love! The heat a dat fire would send yeh flying on yure back,’ she said, shaking her head and steadying herself.

  I laughed, saying, ‘Oh, yeah! The heat would kill ye all right if ye stand up too sudden.’

  ‘Right! Yeh hang onto me arm like a good girl, and we’ll make our way dere nice ’n easy,’ she said, grabbing hold a me arm and staggering off in her nylon-stocking feet, with her toes sticking up, and she rocked backwards.