Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy

by Martha Long

  We heard footsteps, then laughing. Sister Eleanor was on her feet, dropping her sewing, and she whipped open the door before they got near it.

  ‘Sister Eleanor! Oh gawd, wait until you hear what that Martha Long one did. It was a scream! We never laughed so much!’ ‘How dare you come back here at this time?’

  ‘Wha . . .’

  ‘Get in!’ barked Sister Eleanor.

  ‘What are you talking about? We just got off the bus now!’

  ‘Yes! And why were you not back with this child? She’s been sitting here with me for the last hour and a half!’

  They looked at me, confused, trying te make out what the nun was talking about. Then it hit them. ‘Oh, yeah! Wait till we tell you what she did running for the bus!’

  ‘Yes! She got the bus, you lot didn’t, and I’m left sitting here in the cold late at night when I could be in my bed. But no! You choose to come waltzing back in here just when it suits you lot! Now, get up to your beds at once! And there will be no more gallivanting for any of you for some time to come. You are all grounded!’

  ‘What? You can’t do that! We did nothing! What did we do?’

  ‘I am not going to argue with you! Now please get moving at once, or if you try my patience for one more time you will all sorely regret it!’

  ‘We didn’t miss the bus!’ they all screamed, trying te figure out what was really happening and looking at me te see if I could throw any light on all the confusion.

  I stood with me arms folded and me eyebrows raised, waiting like Sister Eleanor for the explanation as te why they were not on the bus with me.

  ‘Tell her, Martha Long! Did you tell her you ran for the bus?’

  ‘Of course I did,’ I said, in a quiet whisper, sounding like Sister Eleanor. ‘I warned you girls the bus was coming, remember?’

  ‘Yeah, but . . .’

  ‘Yes! She certainly did!’ barked Sister Eleanor. ‘And you lot should have done the same. If that child could catch the bus, then why were you not on it?’

  ‘But how could we?’ they said, giving out, muttering, looking at each other, wondering where they went wrong.

  ‘That bloody Long is a noticebox!’ Dilly Nugent shouted, glaring at me, seeing me sitting here with Sister Eleanor, in the goody-goody books, and her not being able te figure out how it all went wrong.

  ‘Yeah,’ they all bleated, sounding like sheep. ‘She got here first te get all the attention.’

  ‘How dare you?’ barked Sister Eleanor, giving them a clatter.

  ‘Aaah! I hate you! I hate this place! Bloody rotten dirty filthy noticebox Long!’ screamed Nugent, rubbing her ear.

  ‘Gawd, Ellie! You’re an awful bully,’ wailed Blondie, moving herself quick outa harm’s way, giving a nervous-dog look outa the corner of her eye.

  ‘How dare you treat me with such disrespect? You girls are going to be severely punished for this. Now get moving,’ and she started heaving them up the passage, clattering them when she could land her hand, and I kept me nose in the air, trailing behind Sister as she looked around at me shocked, muttering, ‘The audacity of these girls! The cheek of them to behave in this fashion!’

  ‘Tut, tut! Shocking, Sister!’ I agreed, shaking me head sadly, with me goody-goody face on.

  ‘You’re a big old noticebox,’ screamed Dilly, looking back at me, rubbing her back where she got another clatter.

  I raised me eyebrows, crossing me eyes and sticking out me tongue.

  ‘Look at what she’s doing, Sister Eleanor!’ screamed Nugent, going red in the face with the rage on her. ‘She’s making faces behind your back.’

  ‘I most certainly am not!’ I breathed, outa breath at the idea of doing such a thing, listening te meself sounding exactly like Sister Eleanor.

  ‘That is enough auld guff out of you,’ barked Sister Eleanor, herding them along the passage, mumbling she should be in her bed, and wrapping her hands under her cloak, looking frostbitten. ‘I will attend to you girls in the morning.’

  Yeah, and I have more surprises up me sleeve for you lot! Ye’re not going te know what hit ye’s! I told meself.

  ‘Out! And you and you,’ Sister Eleanor snorted, herding the lot of them outa the refectory, grabbing the eggs off them. ‘You are not getting that for your breakfast,’ she said, grabbing Dilly Nugent’s eggcup with the egg sitting in it.

  ‘What? What’s going on? Leave me alone,’ screamed Nugent, as Eleanor grabbed her and pushed her inta Blondie, grabbing the rest of them.

  ‘I am now taking action for last night’s capers. You are all out of the group,’ she snorted, putting a snout on her, making her nose go longer and her eyes look like a bloodhound, red and sad. Then she was back, shutting the door on the screams, leaving them te look in the glass panels on the side passage trying te scream in at her. The sound was deadened with the thick walls and we could only see their mouths going up and down, and their faces looking like mustard and mortal sin, as Sister Eleanor calls it. They saw me looking out at them, eating me egg slowly, and sucking on me cheeks, and giving them an awful look, raising me eyebrows and looking away, finding them not quite up te me standards.

  ‘Blah, blah . . . goin to get this, Long!’ I heard as they waved their fists at me.

  I gave a quick cross-eyed look, flicking me head around, saying, ‘Sister, they’re threatening te throttle me! Do ye hear them?’ I said, pointing at them, letting them see I was reporting them.

  They stopped belly-aching for a minute, not believing their eyes. I was actually on the nun’s side! Fraternising with the nuns! The enemy! In broad daylight and in front of everyone! That can’t happen. If ye do cosy up te the nuns, it has te be in total secret!

  ‘Sister, what did I do that was so wrong? The girls are out for me guts! Did I do the wrong thing? Why are they threatening me?’

  ‘Who’s threatening you?’

  ‘They are! Did ye not hear them?’ I said, pointing me finger at them, watching their faces hang down te their belly buttons wondering what I was saying about them. And seeing their mouths in action again, glaring at each other, twisting their mouths and squinting their eyes and pointing back at me.

  Sister Eleanor flew out at them, pushing them up the passage, telling them they would be punished even more severely. ‘I will go straight to the convent and bring the Reverend Mother here at once if you don’t move up that passage, and if I hear a whisper out of any of you about that child in there you will all have me to reckon with.’

  ‘What happened?’ everyone shouted, looking over at me.

  I shrugged me shoulders.

  ‘Go on! Tell us! What did they do?’ asked a big one, Johanna Henley, her brown eyes flashing with the excitement of getting te hear something terrible.

  ‘Honestly, Johanna, I wish I knew what was going on. They went te the club . . .’

  ‘Yeah, go on! Tell us!’ then the big ones were over in a flash, leaning on me chair, pushing each other outa the way, trying te get a good spot te read me face.

  ‘Well, the bus came. I got on it . . . and they didn’t. So Eleanor went mad and now they’re all in the doghouse! And they blame me.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Ask them!’ I said, looking as puzzled as them.

  ‘There must be more than that,’ mumbled the head girl, Clarissa Seabert, sucking on her thumb, thinking about it.

  The big ones all grouped around her, asking, ‘What do you think they were up to, Clarissa?’

  I watched, seeing her look back at me, thinking. She’s very, very brainy, the only one who could go on te the university if she wanted te. I shook me head at her, making meself look thoughtful. ‘Don’t know what’s going on, Clarissa,’ I said, chewing on me bread, trying te make it out. ‘Talk to them!’

  ‘Yeah! Don’t worry about that. We will!’ said Johanna Henley, making it sound like a threat, disappointed she was no wiser.

  I wandered down te the back door, knowing it would be locked this hour of the night, but hoping
it might be open, even though it was pitch-black out, eight o’clock on a January night. I still wanted te ramble outside and get a bit of fresh air after working all day in the convent. I tried the handle. Locked. I looked down the empty dark passage, feeling empty meself. Work, bed. Nothing in between. I would love te have a bit of a laugh, someone te have a laugh with. But there’s no one here I’d bother me arse with. They go around in gangs, keeping te themself, and their idea of fun is te laugh at people. They all have their own cronies. Anyway! They don’t interest me. I’m the street kid te them and they’re the culchie gobshites te me. Still, there is the brainy one who goes te the secondary school, Ruthie, but she’s probably doing her homework. Wonder if there’s anyone in the other groups? Nah, too young.

  I wandered back down the passage, seeing the light on in our refectory. Then stopped just before I got there, hearing voices. I stopped te listen when I heard the whiny moaney voice of Dilly Nugent. ‘Yeah, and I’ll bring me bell-bottoms. One of you can hide them under the trees on the avenue.’

  ‘Good idea, and I’ll wear my trousers as well,’ shouted Blondie in a whisper.

  ‘Now, have we got that? You all know the plan, yeah? After lights out, we . . .’

  ‘OK! We know what to do,’ breathed Nugent, moving her chair, getting ready te leave. ‘Come on! We’ll miss the start of The Virginian.’

  ‘No, Ellie said we’re punished. We can’t go into the television room to watch it.’

  ‘Huh! That one is not going to stop me! We’ll sneak in after she switches the television on and make sure she’s gone to the convent first. Hannah! You keep watch. Hide around the corner in the toilets.’

  ‘No! What if she catches me? Then I’ll be in worse trouble!’

  ‘Don’t be so stupid, you gom! You’re entitled to go to the toilet, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, suppose so,’ dopey Hannah said, afraid of her life of upsetting back-of-a-bus-face Nugent.

  ‘Right, Dilly! You go ahead with yer plans, and I’m off te make short work of them,’ I muttered. Shit! They’re coming! I ducked around the corner, waiting behind the pillar until they came outa the refectory, then dived across inta the laundry passage, closing the door quietly behind me. I heard their footsteps heading up the passage making for the television room, counted te twenty, then another ten for good measure, and put me head up and down the passage. Nobody around! Right!

  I made me way slowly up the passage and stood on the stairs, watching Hannah making her way down te the toilets while the others sat in the playroom waiting. With not even the radio te listen te, because they were banned from that, too!

  Yep! I’m having a great time! I sniggered te meself, remembering how they got me inta trouble any which way they could, treating me like a leper. Fuckers! See how ye like getting a taste of yer own medicine. Ha! Ye’s won’t get the better of me! I’m going te enjoy meself no end!

  I waited until I heard the rustle of habit and the jangling of rosary beads and flew around the corner, hiding in the cloakroom toilet. When I heard Eleanor flying down the passage with a herd of young ones roaring and hanging outa her, I crept back, waiting and watching, putting me head around the corner. Then I heard the music for The Virginian and flew back te me toilet, letting her pass. When she went through the door, heading down the convent passage, I flew out again, listening.

  ‘Dilly! Girls!’

  ‘What? Is she gone?’

  ‘Yeah! Come on, quick! It’s starting!’

  I heard them flying up the passage and took off like the wind, racing for the convent, trying te catch Sister Eleanor before she buried herself in the chapel. I tore along the chapel passage on tiptoes, used te flying along that way without making a sound, and caught her just as the chapel door hissed closed. I grabbed the door, seeing her genuflect, making for her prie-dieu.

  ‘Sister Eleanor!’ I tiptoed in, letting her see me, and she creased her face inta a cry, moaning, ‘What is it? Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph give me patience!’ she muttered, looking up at the ceiling before genuflecting and coming out.

  ‘I think ye should know, Sister Eleanor, Dilly and her lot are gone in te watch The Virginian. They think it is a great laugh ye punished them and have no idea you are wasting yer time!’

  ‘WHAT? Do you mean to tell me they are disobeying my strict instructions to them they are not allowed to watch television?’

  ‘Yes, Sister! They’re down there right now having the time of their life. It’s even more enjoyable te them because they’re punished.’

  ‘Get out of my way!’ She grabbed up her habit with both fists and took off like a bat flying outa hell, with me flying behind her!

  I parted company with her when we hit the passage, and I took off inta me toilet, waiting for the explosion.

  ‘Get up to that dormitory!’

  ‘Gawd! I hate you!’

  Slap! ‘Don’t you dare speak to me like that!’

  ‘YOU THINK YE’RE GOD!’

  That’s Dilly! I thought, cocking me ear te the door, having the best time of me life!

  ‘You are all banned from watching television for the next month! Up those stairs.’

  ‘GERROFF!’

  Slap, wallop! ‘Don’t you dare shout at me!’

  ‘How did you know we were watching the television in the first place?’ screamed Dilly. ‘You must have your spies out!’

  ‘Yeah! She has her spies watching us!’ shouted Blondie.

  ‘Yeah! You can’t stand us, you can’t! You really hate us!’ screeched Hannah.

  ‘Don’t push me, you bully!’ – Dilly! Ha!

  ‘Get up those stairs to the dormitory this minute, or I am off to get the Reverend Mother!’

  ‘I don’t care!’

  Slap, wallop! ‘AAAHHH!’

  The noise died down as they hit the dormitory. Right, Dilly! I’m saving the best bit for later! Yep! There sure is more than one way te skin a cat, Dilly Nugent!

  I wandered outa the playroom, looking for something interesting, or someone! The eejits in there were having a party, slapping each other around on the sofa. I turned up te the stairs and stopped on the landing, hearing voices coming from the toilet, and I could smell smoke. I looked down, seeing it wisp out from under the door and listened. DILLY AND HER GANG! Gawd! This is too much te miss! Thank gawd I gave up the smoking for the last six months. Once Sister Eleanor stopped belting me, and threatening me, and of course blaming me for starting the whole lot of them on the smokes. ‘You are the ringleader!’ she was screeching at me.

  ‘No! They were smoking leaves from the trees rolled up and setting fire te it. I was only smoking the real thing. So ye can’t say it was all my fault!’

  I started on Jackser’s Woodbine butts that he used te leave on the mantlepiece. I would wait for him te go up and have his hard-earned rest during the day and light the butt from the fire and blow it up the chimney. I thought it would make me grow up faster! He used te think he was going mad! ‘Where’s me fuckin butt I left lyin there on the bleedin mantelpiece?’ he used te roar at me, then blame the ma, who never put a Woodbine or a drop of alcohol te her lips in her life!

  ‘I didn’t touch yer fuckin Woodbines!’ me ma screamed back at him.

  Then his eyes peeled te Charlie, standin shakin in the short trousers hangin down like curtains, lettin his little matchstick legs stick out.

  ‘No one touched yer butts, Jackser! Remember? Ye smoked it just before ye went up for yer rest!’ I reminded him.

  ‘Fuck me! I was sure I’d left a butt sittin on tha mantlepiece!’

  Yeah, it was hard going. I was making meself sick as a parrot! But it didn’t take me long te get used te them. Then when I got here I used te squeeze meself out through the big letterbox up at the front door and drop head-first, always managing te land on me hands and roll onta me back. Tricks I learned managing te avoid getting a mashing from Jackser’s hobnailed boots! There’s some good te be had in everything! Yeah, so when Sister Eleanor took me te one sid
e and told me in a very kind and gentle way she was worried the house would go up in fire, and if I set an example, the rest would follow – well, I don’t know about them following my example, but I gave up the Woodbines te please her. Now Dilly is definitely not following my example!

  Right! Where’s Sister Eleanor? . . . I flew like a blue-arse fly, making straight for the convent, tiptoeing like a ballerina along the chapel passage, feeling like air in me excitement te bend Sister’s ear with the terrible news.

  I flew back with Sister flying behind me. ‘Can ye smell it, Sister?’ I breathed, whispering in shocked tones before we hit the children’s landing. I whipped open the door for her, letting her fly through, and pointed te the toilet before whipping meself down the stairs and making for me hideaway.

  ‘Come out of there at once!’

  Silence.

  ‘Who is in there, please?’

  Silence.

  ‘Dilly Nugent! I know you are in there! Come out at once!’

  Silence.

  I crept up, seeing the smoke pouring out from under the door and seeing Sister Eleanor with her face turning purple.

  ‘That is it! I am giving you one minute to come out. If you refuse, then I am going to the convent to get the Reverend Mother!’