Fin&Matt

by Charlie Winters

  I thought about Emily, still suffering mild guilt over leaving her back at the bar. In true Emily fashion, she had already made friends and had joined their table in a round of “cock sucking cowboy” shots.

  “You’re kind of beautiful, you know that?” Matt purred.

  “Stop.” I scratched at the painted label on my bottle and changed the subject. “Television crush.”

  “What?” he asked.

  “Your first television crush. Who was it?”

  He smiled and placed his bottle on the coffee table before stretching his arm wide against the back of the couch. “Um… let’s see. Oh, got it! David James Elliott.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know who that is.”

  “David James Elliott? Come on… JAG?” My puzzled look caused him to continue. “Okay, so the show was pretty ridiculous but Harm? Fuck, he was hot. He wore these Navy uniforms with the hat and everything… I fantasized about those uniforms.”

  “Harm?” I teased.

  He lifted his leg, kicking me lightly with the heel of his foot. “Yes, Harm. He was ridiculous. He is pretty much singlehandedly the reason I’m gay now.”

  “Always known?” I asked seriously.

  “Yes,” he returned with a pause. “But I married my high school sweetheart anyway.”

  “You were married?” I nearly spit.

  He nodded and twisted his legs into a cross-legged position. “I’m from Pittsburgh originally. My mom and dad both worked in the steel industry and we lived pretty meagerly, I guess. The girl I started to date in high school was well off; her dad was in sports medicine and worked for the Steelers. That, my friend, was just about the coolest thing in the world when I was that age. He brought me to a few practices and I got to see how things worked, you know? Anyway, when I graduated high school, I followed in his footsteps and went into medicine. Becky got into Penn State and I followed her.”

  “Okay,” I mumbled.

  “See, the thing is, my parents didn’t have enough money to pay for college and hers did. They took care of me.”

  “They paid for your school?”

  He nodded. “Well, basically, her dad sat me down and laid it out. They would take care of me if I took care of Becky… you know, after graduation. She knew about me for the most part, but… she loved me and they loved her. They just wanted her to be happy, even if her dad knew I wouldn’t be. I think he knew before she did, you know?”

  “Why, if he knew you were gay, would he want you to marry his daughter?” I asked.

  “I don’t even think Becky gave a shit about school or a degree. She just wanted to be a wife and mother, but her parents refused to give up on her going to college. They also knew she wouldn’t be happy unless we were together, so her dad made it so that I didn’t have a choice, basically.”

  “You always have choices, Matt.”

  “No, Fin, you’ve always had choices. I wanted to be a doctor and there was no way that dream would become a reality unless I had Carl.”

  “And then what?”

  “After med school, Carl got me a job in St. Louis. Becky and I got married soon after and moved here. I wasn’t happy. I mean, I loved the job but I wasn’t in love with her. She was a great friend but I just couldn’t… I don’t know. I couldn’t give her what she needed anymore. I was tired of pretending. She knew it, but was desperate to work things out. I became the typical fucking gay stereotype and turned into a Bathsheba, staying out late… letting random guys suck me off in some steam room and then going home to her. She followed me there one night after work.” He shrugged and let out a sigh. “That’s how we ended up filing for divorce. But, with the divorce came a whole new set of problems.”

  I pulled off my socks and settled into a pillow. “I mean, you let him pay for school. You let him help you find a job. You had to know—”

  “And he quickly stripped me of that job. One phone call and I was out of work. I had signed a fucked up pre-nup as well. Carl made it so that I’ll never work with professionals again. I work as a high school coach now because that’s as close as I’ll ever get. Honestly, I was lucky to get that job after the number Carl did on my reputation. Even two years later, he still has a tight grip on my balls. Anyway, Becky moved back to Pennsylvania and I stayed here. I’ve thought about moving a million times, but—”

  “Why stay?”

  “I love my job. I actually love that school more than I liked working in the field. Plus, it pays pretty well and I need the money. Part of the pre-nup was that if I didn’t basically give Becky a child or stay married for a decade – one or the other – I had to pay back the money,” he said with a shrug. “So, I’m paying back the money. I’ve got a little less than five years to go.”

  The words came out of my mouth faster than I could control them. “What if I loaned you the money? You could be free.”

  “No,” he said immediately. “I didn’t tell you that story so that you’d give me the money, Fin. Jesus.”

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “Maybe I should go.” He stood and searched for his shoes.

  “David Tennant.”

  “What?”

  “David Tennant.” I patted the cushion. “Sit, Matt. Please.”

  He carefully lowered to the couch and crossed his arms.

  “From Doctor Who. The first time I – you know – did that, I thought about him. He was skinny like me, you know? I’d never been that attracted to a man before – or a woman, come to think about it – but there was something about him. One episode, he was wearing these pants… I don’t know – they were a little tight and I got hard.”

  Matt laughed aloud. “Doctor Who? And you laughed about JAG?”

  “Fuck you,” I spat, tossing a pillow in his direction. It bounced off of his arm and landed on the floor.

  “I really should go,” he said with a sigh. “It’s late.”

  “Oh, come on. It’s early. Stay.”

  He slumped into the sofa and curled into a pillow. “Okay.”

  ♂♂

  “What was your first time like?” Matt asked.

  “With a man?”

  My throat tightened. This, unfortunately, was it. If I was to tell Matt that I was a virgin, it was in that moment. He would likely run, but I probably deserved it.

  “Yes, with a man.” He laughed and pushed one of his socked feet under my thigh.

  “At Notre Dame, I didn’t know any men who were like me, you know? Anyway, I should be embarrassed but I signed up for Grindr. I guess I kind of knew what it was about, basically, but I supposed it would be more about dating and less about fucking. I got like three dick pics within the first hour. Some man asked me if I was a chicken.”

  Matt laughed aloud. “Are you?”

  “I had to look it up. Anyway… no. Not a chicken. Or an angel. Or a lacy or whatever other name I was called that first night. But it was like I couldn’t put it down, you know? I kept looking at that thing like it was my Facebook feed. Finally, a guy contacted me. He was cute – and actually dressed – in the picture. I met him and we ended up going back to his apartment. He was really aggressive and practically pushed me onto the bed… I don’t know. We kissed a little, but I told him that I had to go. He was all tongue and teeth and… aagh. Disgusting. Before I left, I saw a picture of another guy on his dresser. I asked him if it was his boyfriend and he said that he wasn’t a fag and told me basically not to tell anyone about what had happened between us.”

  “Fin,” Matt whispered.

  “It’s okay. I wish that the first time I kissed a guy hadn’t been like that, but I’m alright.”

  “Hopefully the second guy made up for it.” He smiled sweetly, rubbing his toes against my jean-clad thigh.

  I swallowed thickly. “It was you… tonight.”

  Matt sat up quickly and took my hand in his. “You’ve only kissed one man? Ever?”

  I held up two fingers. “Two.”

  “Fin… are you serious?”


  I nodded. “I cancelled my Grindr account after that night. I mean, don’t feel bad for me. I get plenty of sex. Just not with a partner,” I teased.

  Matt leaned close. “Okay, try something with me. Stand up.”

  I stood and he planted in front of me. “God, you’re tall,” I blurted.

  “Shhh, relax. Okay, shake your arms out. Let’s just try something.”

  “Like what?”

  “Will you seriously relax already?” he clipped, a shy smile ghosting over his lips.

  “Yes. Okay.” I rolled my head several times and closed my eyes. “Completely relaxed.”

  “Keep your eyes closed, okay?”

  I nodded again and blew out a deep breath. “Mmm hmm.”

  Matt’s hands lightly brushed the sides of my neck before I felt his lips press against mine. They were soft and comforting as he pulled me closer, massaging the back of my neck with his fingertips. I relaxed into his arms and let my hands carefully rest on his hips. Within seconds, it was over. He pulled back with a smile.

  “There. Do you feel better?”

  I felt hard. That’s what I felt. “Uh huh.”

  “Think of that as your first kiss. Fuck that other guy.”

  I cleared my throat and sunk back into the sofa cushions. “Matt?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I want to be friends,” I answered.

  “We are friends.”

  “No… I mean that I don’t want to lose your friendship over kissing, you know? We work together.”

  He smiled shyly and sat down (a little too close) to me. “Yeah? Alright. It’s not going to be easy,” he said, leaning in, “because right now, I can’t think about anything other than that kiss.”

  “Oh God, me too.”

  I grabbed him. I just clutched at his shirt and pulled him in. In that moment, I didn’t care if we were friends. Kissing Matt felt perfect. I wasn’t shoved onto some twin bed or lying on another man’s seed-soaked comforter.

  It was clean and honest. I had waited for a moment like that for as long as I could remember.

  His tongue slowly caressed the seam of my lips as I opened for him, the scratchy feel of his two-day beard whispering against my cheeks. I could feel his breath – hot and hurried – across my teeth before I touched my own tongue to his. He tasted like the coffee porter we had earlier in the evening, a note of espresso lacing my buds. His mouth was warm and slow as he sucked on my lower lip, tugging it with his teeth. When he moaned between breaths, vibrating my lips, I nearly unraveled.

  He was hesitant almost, pulling back to study my face before gripping the back of my neck to pull me closer. His fingers coiled into my hair, tugging at the loose curls. I pressed my lips back to his, opening wide as he let out a short gasp.

  Matt’s hands roamed lower, gripping at the hem of my shirt. As he tugged, I lifted my arms carefully. Was this really going to happen? Did I want it to?

  He shucked the shirt onto the floor and moved his lips down the side of my neck.

  “You’re so fucking hot,” he whispered.

  Jesus Christ.

  “So are you,” I choked out, swallowing between heavy breaths.

  He moved down my chest, trailing tongue-laced kisses over my near-translucent skin. Now was not the time to focus on strengthening my tan. When he muttered the words, “I want to taste you,” I nearly came in my (suddenly too tight) jeans.

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I’m… I’m…”

  “Fin, if you’re uncomfortable, tell me to stop. I won’t pressure you.” His lips continued their torture as he licked over my stomach. I felt angular – too skinny – all of the sudden. I wasn’t naked, but may as well have been. “Want me to stop?”

  “No.” The single word was strangled as his fingers unfastened the button of my jeans.

  Was I wearing good underwear?

  Too much cologne?

  I’d danced a little. Would he taste the sweat? Oh, God – the last thing I needed was swampy sweat-soaked balls.

  “Fin,” he whispered. “Where’d you go?”

  I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes for a second. “I’m fine.”

  He lifted his head and shifted into an upright position. “What’s going on? Are you freaking out?”

  “I danced.”

  “So?”

  “So what if I’m sweaty, you know? Like down there or something.”

  He let out a quiet chuckle. “I’m sure it’s fine.”

  “I can’t remember what underwear I have on.”

  He unzipped me slowly and peeked inside. “Gray band, light blue lycra,” he responded, looking back up. “Nice choice.”

  “What if… shit… what if I’m—”

  (Not big enough)

  Matt lowered himself to the floor in front of me and tugged the denim at my hips. Once they were at my ankles, he tossed them to the side and snapped the bottom of my short briefs. “Fin, stop. You’re perfect.”

  His kisses trailed over the tops of my thighs before his hand smoothed over the outside of my erection. Slowly pulling the band from my waist, he traced his tongue over the head of my dick. It was better than any book I’d read. Better than any clip on Gaytube.

  “Shit,” I mumbled, feeling Matt swallow as he lowered his mouth. He bobbed his head a few times, finally settling on a comfortable rhythm. “Matt, stop.”

  He pulled off of me with a suctioning sound. “You want me to stop?” he asked breathlessly.

  “I mean, not really, but—”

  He licked over the head and gazed up at me. “Then relax. Shhh.”

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I wouldn’t survive him.

  “Matt… Matt…”

  My eyes blackened and – in that moment – I wasn’t sure if ten seconds or ten minutes had gone by. By the time I opened my eyes again, Matt had a smile on his face and was snapping my underwear back into place.

  “You taste good,” he hummed, dragging a finger over his lip. “Did you like it?”

  I breathed heavily, still trying to gasp for air. “Matt…”

  “Say yes. You’re giving me a complex.”

  “Yes,” I finished. “Better than anything I’ve ever felt.”

  “Yet. Better than anything you’ve ever felt… yet.”

  “I can’t… do that.”

  “Fin,” he said with a laugh. “Calm down. I’m not going to try to fuck you.”

  “Who says I wouldn’t be the one fucking you?” I countered.

  “Do you want to fuck me?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.” Honestly, I didn’t. The entire time we were kissing, all I could picture was lying on my back as Matt pushed into me. I couldn’t visualize it any other way. “Maybe not. I mean, maybe, but I don’t know.”

  “You don’t want to fuck me?” His voice was whisper quiet. “Now you’re really going to give me a complex.”

  “It’s not that,” I returned. “Maybe I do want you to—”

  “To fuck you?” He smiled and pushed an overgrown strand of black hair behind his ear.

  I turned suddenly shy. “I mean… not tonight.”

  “Good. We need something to do tomorrow,” he teased.

  “Matt, I was serious before. I want to be friends. I realize it’s a little late now that you’ve had my dick in your mouth, but… I mean it. I don’t want to mess this up.”

  “Are you saying that you don’t want to see me? Fin, I—”

  “I do want to. I do, I promise. I just… I don’t know. You’re the first guy I’ve ever – fuck – I don’t know. I just want to be able to go to work and not have stress. Don’t you want that? I don’t want to wonder where you are or what you’re doing or when you’re going to leave me or if my mom will like you… I’m fucked, basically.”

  “Your mom will like me,” he replied, pressing a soft kiss to my lips.

  “Will your mom like me?” I asked.

  “My mom hasn’t talked to me since the divorce. They’re embarrassed. I know she s
till loves me in some way, but I disappointed them. They had this doctor for a son, working for the NFL and living their idea of a perfect life – then that same son turned out to be gay. As we all know, God hates the gays.” He smothered a short laugh. “Unless everything changes with them, you’ll never know my family.”

  “That’s okay. Once you’ve met my mom, you won’t be able to get away from her. I’m her only kid. She… overcompensates.”

  “I like her already.”

  “What about you? Brothers or sisters?”

  “One brother. Marc. Same scenario. I embarrassed the family with my big gay scandal and everyone suddenly lost my number. My brother – my twin brother – said he was ashamed. He couldn’t believe that I could let a guy fuck me. Those were his words, not mine. He was disgusted that one man could let another one fuck him. Honestly, I’ve only had actual sex with two men and both times, I topped. There were a few other encounters at the sauna. I don’t know… a couple of blow jobs. Release stuff, but nothing intimate.”

  “What you did to me… that felt pretty intimate.”

  “Because it was with you. That’s not a line – it’s true.”

  I ran my hand through my hair. “Matt, don’t.”

  “It’s not a line, Fin. Not everyone wants to fuck you over.”

  I stood, scrubbing my hands across my face. “I know. I also know that I’m twenty-two. You’re thirty. What happens when I fall for you?”

  “Hey,” he said, reaching his hands to my face. “What happens is I fall back.”

  Chapter Four

  We finally made it into the bedroom sometime after four in the morning. Stripping off his flannel and jeans, Matt slid into bed next to me and placed one hand firmly across my waist. It was the first time I’d seen him without a shirt; he did not disappoint. Red, somewhat sheer briefs stretched tightly across his perfect ass. His chest was broad, sculpted with a perfect dusting of dark hair leading south before disappearing into the band of that underwear.

  “You tired?” he asked.

  “Exhausted.”

  “You mind if I stay?”

  I shook my head, swallowing dryly. “Of course not.”