I let out a sigh of relief when a few moments later, a nurse appears, along with my mother beside her. “Oh good, you’re awake,” the nurse, who looks like Mrs. Claus, says as she makes her way around my hospital bed.
“How are you feeling, sweetie?” my mom asks, bending down beside me on the opposite side and brushing my hair affectionately from my face.
“Like I’ve been run over by a bus. My head really hurts, and I can’t move my right leg without it causing a pain to shoot through it.”
I glance down at my lower half, which is covered in a blanket, and my mom looks in the same direction. She has a worried look on her face. Turning her eyes back to mine, I notice tears welling up in her eyes. “Do you remember anything from tonight, honey?”
Shaking my head, I look at her with confusion. “No, the last thing I remember is being at a party, but after that…nothing. Just tell me what happened, please,” I beg as I begin to feel a knot tighten in my gut. I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach as my mother lets a tear fall from her watering eyes.
“You were in an accident. Why, Emelyn? Why would you ever get into a car with someone who’s been drinking? Haven’t I told you enough times in your life to never for any reason ride with anyone who’s been drinking?”
What is she talking about? I was in a car with someone who was driving while intoxicated?
Squinting my eyes, I press myself to remember anything, but nothing comes. “I can’t remember, Mom. Will you please just tell me what happened?”
Grabbing a tissue from the rolling table, she dabs her eyes before sitting in the chair beside my bed. With each passing second, I grow more nervous.
Resting her hand on my arm, she smiles weakly up at me. “Honey, you were in a very bad car accident. Your side of the car was hit by a pickup truck when Lawson ran a red light at the intersection. You suffered a concussion, and your leg is broken in three places. The doctor said your leg is in really bad shape, and it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to get back onto the softball field anytime soon.”
I am stunned. Car accident? No softball?
Shaking my head, I tell my mom with anger seething out of me, “No. I want another doctor. Broken legs heal quickly all the time. I will play softball. I need to play softball. Without it, I lose my scholarship!” My head is screaming out for me to stop talking, but I ignore the shooting pains that consume me.
Softball is my life. I cannot accept this.
It’s been my dream since before I can even remember to attend the University of Alabama. I worked my ass off all throughout high school to keep my grades up, and busted my butt to impress scouts to get a full-ride scholarship playing softball. Now, to be told it’s all being taken away from me…it’s as if someone just snatched the floor out from under me.
Tears fill my eyes as my mother’s words echo around inside me head.
“I’m so sorry, honey. I just wish I knew why you did it.”
My head is spinning; I can’t process this right now. “Did what?” I snap. I don’t mean to, but I am sad, angry, disappointed, and most of all, in shock.
“Allowing Lawson to drive, for one, and for getting in the car with him. Did you know he was over two times the legal limit?”
I run my free hands over my face as I wipe the tears from my eyes. “He said he was fine. He’d only had a few beers. I can’t believe this.” I turn my head and try to find the courage to ask her the one question I’m afraid to ask. When I do, it comes out weakly. “Is anyone else hurt?”
It was Lawson and me in the front of his ‘99 F-150, Delilah sitting behind Lawson, and Lily was sitting in the middle with her feet resting on the console. In my mind, I hear Lawson’s thick, raspy voice telling her that her feet smell like a skunk’s ass, but I knew he was just teasing her. He always loves picking on her, because she gives it right back.
I squeeze my eyes shut for a few moments as I try to remember anything else. All I see are flashes of this evening at the party, and then leaving, but nothing after that.
Opening my eyes, I stare at my mother, who has fresh tears streaming down her face as she dabs a tissue to her cheeks, trying to wipe them away. “Lawson and Delilah are okay. Lawson has a cut on his head and a sprained arm, and luckily his sister walked away with just minor cuts from the broken glass.” She inhales a shaky breath and drops her eyes to the ground as more tears fall from her eyes.
My chest feels as if an elephant is sitting on it, making it impossible to catch my breath. “What about Lily?” I ask. My entire body is shaking as my mom’s eyes meet mine. They are filled with sadness as she shakes her and lets out a soft sob.
“Her parents are with her now, but it doesn’t look good. She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and was ejected from the truck. The doctors have Lily on life support, but are talking with Molly and Derrick about turning it off. She’s been unconscious since the EMTs arrived at the scene of the accident.” She stops talking as another sob escapes her.
My hospital room is filled with the sound of our cries as I learn our poor decisions tonight had led to one of my best friends being put on life support. Lily is the sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever known. To realize one bad decision has steered us to this point in time is overwhelming, and it’s all too much to handle.
“People come out of comas all the time,” I tell my mother feebly. I’m grasping at any piece of hope I can. I won’t accept this.
“She hasn’t had any brain activity. It doesn’t look good, Emelyn. It breaks my heart to see her parents in her room grieving for their daughter, when all of this could’ve been avoided.”
I feel numb.
There’s no way I can accept the fact she’ll never wake up. I just can’t.
“Where are Lawson and Delilah?” I ask, glancing towards the door of my hospital room. “Seeing they are okay, I thought they’d be here to see how I’m doing.”
“Their parents came and took them home, back to your apartment. We all came as soon as we heard. I was scared you’d be lying here alone with no one while I drove the one and a half hours from Lincoln. Your father wanted to be here but he stayed home with Camryn because she has a basketball game tomorrow. When I got here, they said you’d been unconscious at the scene, and then they had to put you under to do emergency surgery on your leg. You’ve been out for a good five hours, or so they said.”
Emotionally and physically exhausted, I ask my mother to turn out the light so I can go back to sleep. All I want is to fall asleep and wake up to discover this has all been just a bad dream.
Sadly, that doesn’t happen.
The next few weeks got worse, rather than better. Three days after the accident, Lily’s parents took her off life support. Two days after that, I had to attend my best friend’s funeral. She, Delilah, and I came to the University of Alabama with dreams of having the best four years of our lives. In matter of seconds, it was all ripped away from her.
All because of one stupid decision.
Lawson, Delilah, and I were all interviewed by police about the accident. Because Lawson was driving while over the legal limit, he got charged with a DUI, plus other charges added onto it for having three minors in his vehicle, since we are all just twenty years old. With Lily dying, his father went ahead and hired the best attorney in all of Alabama to represent him, because he’s now facing a DUI Felony charge, which could lead to prison time.
I’m terrified. This is the man I’ve loved since I was eight years old, who purposed to me on our graduation night promising me that we were going to spend forever together. We had all these plans, and now, because he chose to drink and drive, everything is being taken away from us.
Like I guessed, once I informed my coach I couldn’t play softball all season due to my leg, I lost my scholarship. My classes are only paid for up until Christmas break, and then I’ll have to try to get into a community college I can afford in January. It’s the worst feeling in the world watching everything you’ve worked for just vanish from
in front of you.
I’ve been stuck in a wheelchair for the last four weeks. I’m constantly in pain, physically and emotionally. Lying around our apartment is torture. Everything I see reminds me of Lily.
It doesn’t help that since the accident, Lawson has been distant. He’s gone from a loving fiancé, to a complete stranger. His father has been working night and day with his attorney for his case. They’re hoping to only get probation and points on his license, where he’d just have to take recommended driver’s safety courses.
I only know all of this because Delilah told me. I’ve seen Lawson maybe a handful of times in the last four weeks. When he’s here, he’s aloof and doesn’t stay for long. I’ve heard rumors around school he’s been partying a lot more, and getting in trouble with his football coach. I’ve even heard whispers in class of him hooking up with a few girls from the cheer squad, since I’ve been contained to my room every weekend with a broken leg.
Staring at my engagement ring, my eyes mist as I think about how quickly life has changed from a few short weeks ago. Every night, I fall asleep after praying I’ll wake up and it’ll all be nothing but a really bad nightmare, but every time, I awaken to find it’s real.
Lying on the couch in our apartment, I watch television for a few hours and wait to see if I hear from Lawson. I sent him a text earlier asking him to come home because I need to talk to him, to see where we stand. I can’t keep going on like this.
Finally, my phone vibrates and blasts Star Strukk by 3OH!3, my favorite song Lily and I always sang together every morning while getting ready for class. I wipe away a stray tear that falls from my eye as thoughts of Lily fill my head. Grabbing my phone, I see it’s a text from Lawson. He’s on his way up now.
I don’t know why, but my stomach drops, and I find it hard to breathe as I think about confronting him. I’m heading home with Delilah to Lincoln in a couple of days for the holidays. The idea of spending my first Christmas away from Lawson makes me fall deeper into the depression that has been consuming me since the night of the accident.
I hear him knock on the door before letting himself in. With each passing second, my body tenses and my heart rate increases. “Baby, I grabbed some Chinese on my way over,” he says as he walks into the small living room with a plastic bag in his hand.
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” My words come out shaky and so soft I’m surprised he even hears me.
I’m trying to keep my tears in, but it’s getting harder to keep them at bay as my eyes land on the man I’ve loved for almost my entire life. He looks as sexy as ever in loose faded jeans, boots, a tight, long-sleeved thermal tee, and his signature Alabama ball cap. His eyes look tired, with dark bags underneath them. He looks like he’s not been getting much sleep, which is something I wouldn’t know, seeing how he’s refused to stay here with me since the accident. He uses the excuse he doesn’t want to hurt my leg.
Every night, I wake up crying from nightmares and reach out for him, only to find nothing but an empty bed. After Lily’s funeral, bits and pieces of the accident came back to me. The doctor said they probably would. I thought I was prepared for the memories, but I wasn’t.
Setting the food down on the coffee table, Lawson walks over to the edge of the couch and leans down to kiss me. Knowing this is the last time I’ll ever kiss him, I let his lips touch mine. With tears hidden behind my lids, I run a hand along the nape of his neck, twirling strands of his hair that are peeking out from the bottom of his hat with my fingers. I’m burning the memory into my mind of the way it feels to hold him, how his lips feel as they kiss mine, and how his tongue tastes as it slips into my mouth, caressing mine.
With a quivering lip, I finally pull away and stare up into his dark brown eyes. My breath catches, and I bring my hand to my mouth, running my fingers over my lips, where I can still feel his kiss tingling.
A tear falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek.
Lawson drops to his knees in front of me with a pained look on his face. Running his fingers through my hair, he asks, “What’s the matter, love? Why are you crying?” before leaning in to press a kiss to my forehead. It’s the most affection and words he’s given me since the party that fateful night. Is he laying it on too thick, trying to cover up he’s cheating on me?
I decide I need to do this now before I lose my courage and go back to just living in denial, like I have been these last few weeks. I’m going home anyways, so soon enough, we’ll be over two hours away from each other and he can go on with his life, seeing any floozy cheerleader he wants.
Allowing my tears to fall freely, I inhale deeply and exhale slowly, trying to work up the strength to speak. “Are the rumors true?” I ask.
He raises an eyebrow at me, giving me a confused look. “What rumors?”
Shaking my head at him, I glare up into his eyes, making sure he sees the pain he’s caused me burning deep inside mine as they lock onto his. “Don’t play stupid with me, Lawson. Guys aren’t the only ones who talk.”
His face drops immediately, and I know he now realizes he’s been caught. I don’t know why, but seeing the defeat on his face makes me hurt more, which I didn’t think was possible. I believed he cheated on me, but now, having it confirmed makes it all too real and that much more painful.
Lifting his hat off of his head, he nervously runs his fingers through his long brown hair before replacing the cap on his head. “I love you, Emelyn—you and no one else.” He lets out a deep sigh as his eyes lift from the ground and settle back onto mine.
I keep telling myself to shove him away, to tell him to leave, but the small voice in my mind telling me to hear what he has to say wins, and I lay quietly, listening for him to explain why he threw everything away.
“I have had a lot going on with the accident—Lily dying, then you having to leave your dream school. It’s been hard. Being around you makes it harder, so I’ve tried to stay away. On the weekends, I’ve been partying more to try and numb myself. One night, I got too drunk and things went too far—but it didn’t mean anything. I love you. I’ve only ever loved you.”
Wiping my face with my sleeve, I stare up at the man I pictured marrying and having a family with, wondering how he could do this to me. I’m hurting. Does he see me fucking random men? Sure, I can’t really do anything in the condition I’m in, but even if I wasn’t, there’s no one worth throwing away what we have—correction: had. Our relationship died the same day Lily did; we just let our love stay on life support a little longer, but I’m pulling the plug.
“Goodbye, Lawson. You can show yourself out,” is all I say before rolling onto my stomach and burying my face into my pillow to cry.
A small part of me wishes he’d fight me and refuse to leave, staying by my side to comfort me, telling me he’d do anything to fix this. Instead, he does the opposite. He mumbles, “I’m sorry, baby,” before disappearing into the cool December night, leaving me all alone once again.
June 8th 2013
I dreamt about him last night for the first time in years. I’ve done well pushing Lawson McCoy from my thoughts and moving on with my life. Now that my best friend Delilah, who just happens to be his little sister, is getting married in two weeks, I can’t escape thoughts of him, from his smile, to his warm chocolate eyes that would turn me into melted chocolate on the floor in front of him with just one glance, to the feeling of his big strong arms around me.
It’s been four years since I said goodbye to him, since that day I left Tuscaloosa and never looked back. The first few months were hard. A small part of me kept wishing I’d come home one day and find him sitting on my parents’ doorstep, but that sadly never happened. I told him it’d be easier if we didn’t see each other the day I packed up my things and moved out of my apartment with Delilah. Lawson, never one to do as he’s asked still showed up that morning saying he wanted to help my parents move out my things.
I tried to give him back the engagement ring he’d given me, but he refused and told me to
keep it…pawn it…he didn’t care. Hearing those words—He. Didn’t. Care.—shredded my heart into a million tiny pieces, and then I watched them as they blew away in the gentle, cool winter breeze as I wheeled myself back to my dad’s truck that was full of my belongings.
To this day, it is still hard to think about the accident, about Lily’s death, and all of my dreams that were ripped from me. Every day I woke up without Lawson beside me, I grew bitterer and hated him a little more. I was back in Lincoln going to a community college to become a registered nurse, instead of a doctor like I’d imagined my entire life. I’d lived and breathed softball since I was old enough to stand up and my dad got me a wiffle ball set.
Lawson got to continue chasing his dreams. He got to graduate with all of our friends at our dream college. His life went on as if nothing had ever happened, while I felt like my life had frozen in place the second I woke up in that hospital room. He only had to serve thirty days in jail, and then got probation and community service for killing my best friend.
I’ve tried to move on. I’ve dated, met some amazing men, but none of them have clicked the way I did with Lawson. Our love was instant, all consuming, and what I thought would be the greatest love story of all time.
I wonder all the time if Lawson has moved on. He so easily walked away from me and didn’t think twice about sleeping with a random girl while we were together, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he had. Delilah swears he’s still hung up on me and has never been able to commit to a girl for very long before finding some lame-ass excuse to break up with her. I hate that it elates me knowing he’s feeling the same way I do. I want him to suffer and be alone, so I don’t feel like such an idiot for not being able to get over him.
Delilah tries her best not to talk about him around me, but sometimes she’ll slip when we’re out together. She’ll say something about him, and the instant his name hits my ears, my heart stammers in my chest.
Before we broke up, I thought the idea of hating someone and loving them all at the same time was something that could never happen. But, as I sit here today and sip my latte at Delilah’s and my favorite café in town Coffee & Books. I battle with myself as thoughts of how I feel about seeing Lawson play on a loop in my mind. The idea of seeing him finally after four years infuriates me and makes butterflies invade my stomach all at the same time.
Heart of Dixon Page 21
