Break (The Breathe Series Book 3)

by Lila Kane

  “Absolutely.” Caught off guard by her professionalism, I fumbled for a pen in the holder on my desk. “Afternoons are usually easier, but—”

  “No, that’s fine. Will Tuesday work? 3:00?”

  “Tuesday is just fine.”

  She paused, almost like she had something else to say, and then her voice turned abrupt. “Thank you, Charlotte. I’ll see you next week.”

  She hung up before I could answer, and I stared at the phone for a long moment. When Finn appeared in the doorway, I set the receiver in the cradle and smiled at him. “Hey.”

  “I thought you were going to come find me.”

  “I had to return a call. Tracy.”

  To his credit, he only nodded. “Business, I hope.”

  “Actually, yes.”

  “We’ll talk about her,” he said, stepping into the office. “I promise. That’s on my list of steps.”

  “Oh, really?”

  He nodded. “But I need something from you first. Actually, two things if you’re willing.”

  I gestured across from me. “Have a seat. Let’s discuss.”

  He grinned, but his smile faded quickly. “The hard thing first.”

  “Okay.”

  “I have this friend—”

  “Please don’t tell me it’s another ex-girlfriend,” I said.

  His lips moved in the trace of a smile and he leaned forward in his seat, reaching out to touch my hand. “No, nothing like that. He’s actually a good friend of my mother’s. Dr. Palmer.”

  “Dr. Palmer?”

  “He’s a psychiatrist. My mother trusts him, and so do I. I called him when I got in today to see if he might be available.”

  “Available for what?”

  Finn squeezed his fingers around mine. “To talk to you. Maybe give you some perspective or offer some insight, or something. Because of the nightmares. If you’re willing.”

  My stomach clenched. But I remembered last night, hiding in the closet in the dark, alone and afraid, and I knew I had to do something to fix it.

  “Do you think I should talk to him?” I asked.

  Finn nodded immediately. “Try it out. If it helps, great. If not, we’ll try something else. I think it’s a good first step.”

  “You and your steps.”

  He smiled, looking relieved. “I want to fix this, Charlotte. I don’t want you scared in the middle of the night, and I don’t want to be afraid you’re gone.”

  “I wouldn’t leave, Finn. That’s not what it is.”

  “I know.” He squeezed my hand again. “I know. But if you’re sleepwalking—if you’re scared—we don’t know what you’ll do.”

  The unknown. That’s what scared me the most. And maybe that was why I was still so tense about Mark. The longer we didn’t hear anything, the more worried I got that something was going to happen.

  I blew out a breath. “Okay. I’ll do it. When?”

  “Lunch?”

  “Wait. Today?”

  Finn nodded. “The sooner the better, right? That way we’ll have the rest of the weekend together.”

  “He’s coming today?” I asked, standing and walking to the window.

  “Only if you’re okay with it. I’ll call him back and let him know when.”

  When I turned back, Finn was there, so close we were almost touching. My breath whooshed out. “God, Finn, you’re so quiet.”

  His hands came out, sliding down my arms and gripping my fingers. “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.”

  “I can do this, Finn. I need to do this.”

  “I agree.”

  Shaking my head, I backed up a step. “Okay, you’re making me nervous. Just call your friend and set it up or whatever. I’m committing.”

  He smiled. “Done.”

  “What was your other thing? The job you had for me.”

  “Ah…yes.” He invaded my space again, tucking his arms around my waist and pulling me close. “The job.”

  “Finn.” I laughed. “We’re at work.”

  “But not for long. It’s the weekend, and you kept it open, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Good. This whole weekend is for us. To do whatever you want. We need…time with each other. Time to talk, relax, to spend together. Basically, to do what our relationship has been missing. To get in a routine,” he said.

  I looked up, meeting his eyes. “How do you always know what I’m thinking?”

  He kissed me. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I was just thinking that. I know we can’t map out every single day, but Finn, we live together now.”

  “We do, and it makes sense to want to share time together.” He frowned, eyes searching my face. “You’re not regretting moving in with me, are you?”

  “No. No way. If anything, you should regret moving in with me.”

  “Charlotte, don’t say that.” He brushed his thumb on my cheekbone. “I’ve got what I want, which is you.”

  “You might change your mind if I keep waking you up in the middle of the night.”

  Finn’s face went serious. “We’ll fix it. I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  He lifted his eyebrows. “Okay?”

  “I trust you.”

  He smiled. “Good. Only good thoughts for the rest of the day, okay?”

  “Okay. Now what about that job?”

  Easing back with the same smile on his face, he said, “Make a list. Of all the things you want to do together. Anything at all. We start tonight. No excuses, no interruptions.”

  “I hope you’re right about the interruptions.”

  “I’m making it happen.” He backed to the door, pointing to a notepad on my desk. “A list. I’ll let you know about lunch.”

  Swallowing down nerves, I nodded. Talking with a psychiatrist meant most likely talking about Mark and maybe even John. I didn’t know how many more times I was going to have to relive this. But if it got me closer to dealing with it—to having it done—I’d manage. With Finn’s help.

  “Lunch,” I echoed, and sat at my desk to get my work done.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Dr. Palmer was nearly the same height as me, with hair whiter than a swab of cotton, and crinkles around his eyes. He adjusted his glasses incessantly, which made me think it was more of a tick than a necessity, and he was quick to smile.

  “Ms. Evans,” he said, taking my hand firmly when Finn introduced us. “Good to meet you.”

  “It’s good to meet you, too.” I smiled, and glanced at Finn when he put his arm around me. “Thank you for coming in on such short notice.”

  “It was either that or lunch with the wife.” He grinned. “I told her I had a hot date with a younger woman and wouldn’t be making it.”

  My mouth opened in surprise.

  He laughed. “I wouldn’t worry too much. She said she’d eat dinner early with her hot young masseur and we’d be even.”

  “I really hope I didn’t cause any problems.”

  “Of course you didn’t.” He looked around Finn’s office. “I wouldn’t have come otherwise. Betsy and I joke like that all the time. keeps the mystery alive.” He met my eyes. “But we’re not here to talk about me.”

  “It makes me less uncomfortable than talking about myself,” I admitted.

  “We’ll ease you in, no worries. Where would you like to sit?”

  “The table will be fine.” I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to do the couch thing yet.

  Dr. Palmer nodded, turning to Finn. “I’d like to start with Ms. Evans alone if you don’t mind.”

  I started to protest, to tell him I didn’t mind Finn being in here with me, but he inclined his head at me in a way that said he had a purpose behind what he was asking.

  Finn’s hand tensed on my back. I knew he wanted to be in here, but he only kissed my cheek. “Let me know if you need me. I’ll send Leslie in with some water and food.”

  Dr. Palmer gestured to the table. “Please. Sit. I kn
ow Finn. He’s protective when he wants to be. It’ll be hard for him to relax when we’re talking, I think.”

  I sat at the table, thanking Leslie when she brought in a tray with water and an array of snacks. My stomach was too tense to eat, but I snagged a bottle of water and twisted the cap anxiously, waiting for Dr. Palmer to begin.

  “Ah…” He looked at his notebook as he settled in his chair. “Ms. Evans. You—”

  “Charlotte, please.”

  “Charlotte. Of course. Finn told me a little about your situation, but focused mostly on the nightmares. Says you’ve been sleepwalking.”

  I swallowed a gulp of water. “I woke up in the closet last night without any idea how I got there.”

  “And this isn’t the first time you’ve done this?”

  “No.”

  “And the other times? Did you go to the closet as well?”

  “Sometimes, I’m…running. Or—or trying to…fight?”

  He looked up from his notebook and adjusted his glasses. “Fight what?”

  “The person in my dream.”

  “Finn said you have nightmares about your ex-fiancé.”

  “That’s right.” I twisted the cap on the water, off and on, off and on.

  “It makes you nervous talking about him?”

  “I don’t like to, no.”

  “Maybe that’s something we can get to when you feel more comfortable,” he said.

  “Unfortunately, I think that’s the root of the nightmares. I’m…God, this is hard. I don’t know how much Finn told you.”

  “Anything he told me, and what you tell me, stays with me. So, it won’t hurt if you repeat anything he’s said. I want to get your take on what’s happening. How long have you been having the nightmares?”

  “Since…since I left my ex. But, uh…they were just nightmares. And they got less and less frequent until I came here to Oasis.”

  “And since you and Finn resumed your relationship. Is that correct? He seemed concerned that he might have something to do with it.”

  “No. I mean, yes, they’ve gotten worse since then but it’s not Finn’s fault.”

  “No, it’s no one’s fault.” Dr. Palmer adjusted his glasses again. “But his presence might be triggering the dreams.”

  “You really think so?”

  He angled his head. “What do you think?”

  I took another sip of water. What did I think? That I wanted this to stop but I had no idea how to make it end. “I…”

  “Honestly, Charlotte. There are no right or wrong answers here, just what you feel. Why do you think you’ve been having these nightmares more frequently?”

  I fidgeted in my seat. It felt like there was a right or wrong answer, I just didn’t know it. “Everything feels unresolved. Mark’s been contacting me since I’ve been here and I’m…I’m scared of him. Things are unresolved.”

  “Deep rooted fear can trigger all sorts of things. I wouldn’t hesitate to equate your anxiety with these nightmares. You’re dreaming of your ex because you’re worried about him in some form or another. And the sleepwalking? Well, that’s just your body’s response to what it’s feeling. Adrenaline, fear, a need to survive if that’s the case.” He smiled gently. “I’m assuming it is.”

  I dropped my chin, part of me embarrassed and part of me exhausted with the same story. “There was abuse, yes. Serious abuse.”

  He set down his pen and pulled off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “I’m not saying resolution will stop the dreams altogether, but it could help. That and something for anxiety might at least help the day to day, and maybe the sleepwalking as well.”

  A prescription I could handle. But resolution?

  “I don’t know how to get closure on this if all I’m doing is waiting for the next thing to happen,” I said.

  “That’s understandable. But how do you know something else is going to happen?”

  John. He told me. But even then, unless I talked to him I might not know when, or where, or what.

  “There’s something I can do that might help,” I said. “Give me some answers.”

  Dr. Palmer nodded. “And if you can step out of your comfort zone to do it, I’d recommend it. But I’d like to discuss it first. As for the rest…” He sighed and checked his watch. “We don’t have a lot of time today, but Charlotte, you know much of anxiety stems from the unknown. Your system has been on alert, preparing for something you can’t predict. It’ll wear you down. It’ll steal your days, and nights—as you’ve experienced. Taking something for anxiety is a start, but also, taking those moments when you have them. To breathe deep, to let go of what you can’t control, and to trust you’re doing all you can in the meantime.”

  I talked with Dr. Palmer for ten more minutes, but our conversation eased into simpler topics, including my engagement with Finn and the enormity of the changes in my life. Dr. Palmer was also inclined to think change equaled upheaval–though not necessarily in a bad way.

  Before I knew it, we’d taken up my entire lunch hour and Finn returned to the room. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but—”

  “No problem,” Dr. Palmer said, standing. “I have another appointment to get to, and then I’m going to pick up a loaf of French bread for my wife. She’s not a big flower person,” he said by way of explanation. “Might as well get her something she can use.”

  “Smart man,” I said.

  He said his goodbyes and Finn walked him out of the office. I snagged a piece of watermelon from the tray, my mouth full when Finn returned.

  “French bread, huh? That must be what’s kept their marriage going for so long.”

  “That and being able to joke with each other.”

  Finn walked over to wrap his arms around my waist. “I’m not sure how I feel about you joking about hot young guys who give you massages.”

  “No? That doesn’t make you want me even more?”

  “That makes me want to lock you in our apartment so no one else can have you. And before you say that sounds like something Dr. Palmer might need to hear about, just put yourself in my shoes.”

  “I am.” I squeezed his butt. “You keep far, far away from those hot young women. Especially if they offer you a massage.”

  He grinned. “Will do.” His smile faded some as he pulled me to the couch. “I didn’t like not being in here.”

  I stopped when he prepared to sit. “I have to go back to work.”

  “Just a minute. Talk to me a minute, let me know you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine.” Finn pulled me down to the couch and I allowed myself to sit for a minute. “He thinks something for anxiety will help. He left a prescription.”

  “Good. We can fill it before we go home tonight. We’re leaving early, by the way.”

  “What?” I stood. “Then I’d really better get back to work.”

  He caught my hand. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

  “About my meeting with Dr. Palmer?”

  He nodded.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s that I don’t have time. And well…you might not want to hear some of it.”

  Like the part about resolution. Like how I felt it might be very important to talk to John.

  “Now I’m worried,” Finn said. He stood. “Charlotte—”

  “Later. I need to go.”

  “One more thing,” he said, following me to the door.

  “No time.”

  He smiled. “Yes, time. How’s your list coming?”

  “Oh. I left it back in my office.”

  “Lots of ideas?”

  “Actually, just one for tonight.”

  “Tell me.”

  I shook my head. “I’ll think of something else.”

  He walked around me and blocked the door. “Then I’m afraid you can’t go back to work.”

  “Finn.”

  “Tell me.”

  “It’s not an idea, it’s—”

  “Tell me.�
��

  I sighed, folding my arms. “I just…I just want to be with you. Like the old times. Watching TV, cooking something together or listening to music. I want the whole evening with you alone, with nothing planned so we can make our own plans. But—”

  “That sounds perfect.” He grabbed my hand and kissed my fingertips. “I want that, too. We have the rest of the weekend to go out and do something–if that’s what you want. Your choice.”

  “If it’s my choice, then yes, tonight I want to stay in.”

  “Your wish is my command.”

  I grinned. “Right now, my wish is to get back to work.”

  He stepped to the side to let me through. “Yes, ma’am. Finish early.”

  Tossing him an exasperated look, I walked from his office and waved at Leslie before making my way back to my own office.

  As usual, Dustin walked us to our apartment. But unlike usual, he stepped inside, insisting on doing a check of the space before we entered.

  “This isn’t normal,” I told Finn.

  He held my hand, waiting patiently for Dustin to emerge. “It’s safer this way.”

  “You’d better not be keeping anything from me.”

  He frowned. “Curtis called this afternoon. He wanted to up security a little.”

  My heartbeat picked up. I knew something was wrong when Shane rode with me up to the office this morning.

  Finn caught my chin in between his thumb and forefinger. “I’ll tell you about it.”

  “Good.” I pulled out the note I’d made at my desk, with my plans for tonight. “Because it’s on my list of what I want to do tonight.”

  Amused, he took the paper and read, his lips quirking as he did. “You have ‘drink wine’ on here a few times. Planning on getting drunk?”

  “I figured it would be a continuous thing throughout the night. A filler, so to speak. Since…you know, we need to talk about things.”

  “Things,” he said. He straightened when Dustin returned. “Everything okay?”

  Dustin nodded. “Good to go. Let me know if you need anything.”