No Regrets

by Mari Carr

  “Like hell you aren’t!” He rose and walked to her.

  “Pardon me?” She looked into his dark eyes, shocked to find them clouded with anger.

  “You are my responsibility. You have been since the moment I found you under that blasted tree. You aren’t leaving here until you’ve recovered your memory, so get that notion out of your head. Good God, woman, where would you go?” His anger grew and for the first time, she could imagine what a force he must have been on the battlefield. He was towering over her, roaring like a hungry lion.

  “I don’t know where to go, but—”

  “But nothing,” he interrupted. “You’re staying here and that’s final.”

  She smiled at the image of her gentle giant looming over her with his arms akimbo and his glowering expression daring her to contradict him. She was immensely relieved. She’d been terrified at the prospect of striking out on her own with everything around her so unfamiliar.

  “Very well,” she said. “Thank you, Ben.”

  “Well, that’s good,” he said, somewhat calmer after her quick concession. “That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, although I suppose, it’s somewhat related. I think until we’re able to establish who you are, you should consider working for me.” Ben looked uneasy as he strolled back to his desk. She wondered what on earth he was suggesting.

  “Work for you?” she asked. “Doing what?”

  “I would like to hire you as a governess. For Chelsea.”

  “Governess?” His proposition took her by surprise. She turned to walk toward the bay window by his desk. Through the curtains, she could see Chelsea reemerging from the woods to sit on a secluded bench in the garden.

  “I know it won’t be an easy task, teaching a child who won’t speak, but to be quite honest, you’re the only one who seems to be able to reach the child. I mean, she smiles at you.”

  Chelsea’s smiles seemed so very important to him, it warmed Vee’s heart.

  “Ben, I adore Chelsea, you must know that, but I don’t know how to—I mean—I’m not trained to work with a child like her. I don’t know the first thing about encouraging her speak, and I would be too afraid of failing. She’s such a precious little girl. She deserves a teacher who knows how to teach her. I’m, well, I don’t know what I am, do I?” She tried to speak lightheartedly, but her words sounded flat even to her own ears.

  “You’ve been here only a month and you’ve made much more progress with her than I did in the two months previous. I’ve made inquiries into finding a proper governess for her, but all my attempts have failed. No one will take a job teaching a child who won’t speak. Vee, please. I’m imploring you. If you won’t take this position, I have no other choices. I’m terrified Chelsea will withdraw deeper into herself until no one is ever able to reach her. You saw her this afternoon. Every step forward is followed by ten paces back.” Ben rested his fists on his desk, his head bowed.

  Each word he spoke reinforced his misery, and she suspected he considered each of his failed attempts with Chelsea as another chink in the promise he’d made to his friend. He had been unable to save Ian on the battlefield or protect his wife from the fire that had robbed her of her life, and now he felt helpless to save Ian’s young daughter.

  “Please,” he whispered.

  She saw the anguish in his eyes and a feeling of protectiveness flooded her body. In the few weeks she’d been here, she’d witnessed enough of the overwhelming sadness that continually lingered in Chelsea and Ben’s eyes. They were two lonely people adrift in the world looking for someone, anyone to help them find their way. She knew what they truly needed was to find their way to each other.

  She empathized with their pain. After a month of no memories, she was feeling much the same way. Why was no one looking for her? Who was she and where did she belong? She was as alone and adrift as the inhabitants of Waterplace.

  “Okay. I’ll do it.”

  With a loud shout of joy, Ben circled the desk, picking her up in his arms and spinning her around. Laughing, she struggled to get loose. “Put me down, you lunatic,” she said mirthfully. “I have a few conditions you’ll need to agree to.”

  “Anything.” He placed her back on her feet.

  “Don’t you want to hear my terms?” she asked, a bit dizzy from his joyful spin and his closeness. It had been weeks since his vow not to kiss her, and she was beginning to wish he’d never uttered the words, no matter how sensible they were.

  “Whatever they are, I’m sure they are fine.”

  She shook her head, exasperated with his enthusiasm. “Maybe you should hear them first.”

  “Very well.” Ben bowed formally.

  Tucking her dress beneath her, she sat on the chaise, motioning for Ben to join her. “First, I want to have time to continue to find out who I am. I can’t give up on discovering my identity.”

  “Of course not,” Ben said. “I wouldn’t expect you to. As you know, I’ve sent numerous inquiries to all the surrounding towns and to friends in London. If anyone hears of a missing woman, they’ll let me know immediately. I’m as anxious to help you in this endeavor as ever.”

  Cursing himself for being a coward, Ben silently hoped she would eventually give up her quest to find out who she was. As the days passed, it seemed less likely her memories would return. Hiring her as Chelsea’s governess gave him the perfect opportunity to save her from returning to her unsavory past as well as halt the questions he saw in the eyes of the townspeople in regards to the strange woman living in his house.

  It was only a matter of time before word spread from the newly hired servants to the upper echelons of society that Lord Benjamin had a mistress living under his roof with his ward. He refused to see either Vee or Chelsea hurt by such vicious lies. She was a kind-hearted woman, and she deserved a second chance at a good life. As Chelsea’s governess, her presence in the house would be respectable, acceptable.

  Besides, he couldn’t stand the thought of her returning to a life of prostitution. The idea produced feelings of anger and violence in him; he feared what he would do to anyone who learned the truth of her past. Her suspect arrival must never be revealed.

  “Thank you, Ben. I don’t think I’ve said that to you enough for all you’ve done. I can never repay you for your kindness to me.”

  “Yes, you can,” he said. “You can help me with Chelsea.”

  “Right, about that, you said you would like to hire me as Chelsea’s governess. While I agree to serve as her teacher, temporarily of course, until you find a proper governess, I won’t accept payment from you.”

  He began to protest, but she cut his argument short.

  “No,” she said, “hear me out. As I said, I’m at a loss as to how to convince Chelsea to trust me enough to speak. I’m also uncertain I can teach her, but I’m willing to try. There’s a sharp mind inside that head of hers, and I don’t think the actual teaching will be the problem. However, you must admit, it will be difficult to evaluate how well she’s learning the lessons if she doesn’t answer the questions or read aloud.”

  “I can’t expect you to work with her day in and day out for no compensation. That rings too much of slave labor and I refuse to agree.”

  “You’ve given me a safe place to stay, and you cared for me when I was injured. Room and board is more than enough compensation.”

  “I disagree.” Ben rose to stand by the mantle. “All governesses are given room and board in addition to pay. It will be the same for you. I insist. You’ll need the money when your memory returns.”

  “We don’t know anything about my family, so how do you know I need money? For all we know, I’m quite wealthy.”

  “That’s true,” Ben answered slowly, cursing his wayward tongue. The last thing he wanted to do was share his suspicions about her past. For one reason, he didn’t know for sure she was a courtesan, although all the evidence certainly seemed to point in that direction. Her attire upon her arrival was scandalous to say the least. Her h
eated responses to his kisses and the fact no one was looking for her in the immediate area suggested she was not a proper lady from an upstanding family or even a servant. It was quite frankly as if she had dropped from the sky.

  “You haven’t discovered anything about me or my family, have you, Ben?”

  “Of course not.” He turned his back to her as he spoke. She was far too perceptive for his comfort, and on more than one occasion, he’d begun to think she knew he was hiding the truth from her. “I merely meant, in case you needed the money.”

  “Funny, it sounded as if you knew for certain I would need it.” She rose and crossed the room to stand before him. “This isn’t the first time you’ve alluded to knowing something about my past. What is it? What do you know that you aren’t telling me?”

  As he gazed into her tormented eyes, he began to question whether he had been right to withhold his suspicions about her previous occupation. All he had was the scandalous outfit he found her in, the fact that no one was looking for her and the undeniable sexuality that seemed to seep from every pore in her body.

  “Vee,” he began, intent on sidestepping the question once again.

  “No! Enough!”

  It was the first time he’d ever heard her raise her voice.

  “No more lying,” she continued hotly. “If you can’t tell me what you know, then the deal is off. I—”

  “Dammit, Vee. I don’t want to hurt you!”

  “Hurt me? Is my family dead? Am I destitute? What is it?” Her eyes welled up with tears. She considered him a friend and she trusted him. The idea that he’d betrayed that trust by hiding his suspicions left him feeling as though he’d been punched in the stomach.

  “You lied to me,” she whispered. “All this time, you’ve been lying to me.”

  “No,” he answered. “I’ve never lied to you, Vee. I don’t know who you are. I swear it.”

  “But you know something, don’t you?”

  He averted his eyes, afraid to let her see the truth.

  “Good God, can’t you understand how much not knowing hurts? I can’t take this anymore! I can’t stand this—this horrible, empty feeling inside of me!” She stormed away from him, angry tears threatening to fall.

  “Wait here.” He walked out of the room, but was only gone a moment. When he returned, he placed a small bundle on the desk.

  Curious, she approached him.

  “This is what you were wearing when I found you.”

  Holding up the material, she looked at him sharply. “Why didn’t you give me this earlier?”

  He shrugged as she examined the clothing more closely.

  He waited, hoped, prayed the clothing wouldn’t serve as a jolt to her memory. God help him if his suspicions were correct, and she was bombarded with what he was certain would be distressing recollections. He could tell the clothing was as foreign to her as everything else, then her eyes went wide.

  “I was wearing this?” She recognized how shameful the garments were. He nodded, unwilling to look her in the eye.

  She understood what the clothing represented. The outfit was improper in the extreme. The non-existent skirt and tight shirt couldn’t possibly fool her into believing anything other than the truth. He pondered how foreign the long dresses Mrs. Henry altered for her must have felt. Perhaps these clothes would feel more natural to her, but if that was the case, then there could be no question as to her role in society. She wasn’t a noble woman, servant or even villager.

  “My God,” she exclaimed. “That would mean I’m—”

  “Vee.” He couldn’t stand the overwrought look on her face. “This clothing means nothing.”

  “Nothing?” Her voice was thick with mock laughter. “Then why hide it from me? Why not show me? Why strip it off me in the dead of night before Mrs. Henry could see?”

  When he didn’t reply, she threw the clothing back on his desk angrily. “I’ll tell you why, Ben. Because they most definitely insinuate that I, that I’m—” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “I’m a whore.”

  “No.”

  She held up her hand, stilling his words. “Yes,” she whispered.

  Without another word, she fled from the room. Ben walked to the window as he listened to the front door slam shut. He watched her escape into the overgrown garden. He wanted to run after her, reassure her she was wrong, tell her any lie to put a smile back on her lovely face. His feelings toward her were too powerful, too overwhelming, too confusing. If he followed her, he was afraid of what he would say, what exactly he would do to take away the desolation in her eyes. Regardless of his feelings, acting on them would only hurt her worse.

  A quick glance at the sky confirmed a storm was brewing outside as well as in, and soon his demons would return. Clenching his hands into a fist, he walked back to his desk, determined to block out the blackness threatening to engulf him again. Perhaps if he worked hard enough, he could beat back the dark fog clouding his mind. For an entire month, he’d managed to keep the angry, painful thoughts at bay.

  He had work to do. He couldn’t lose control again. Not now. He still had too many problems to solve—a stable to repair, horses to buy, servants to hire, a seven-year-old to care for and now Vee. Dammit, he could barely take care of himself. He didn’t have time or room in his life for a clumsy courtesan with hair the color of the sun’s rays and eyes as blue as the sky. Her bright, sunny disposition didn’t belong here. It left him unsettled, confused. It made him hope for things that could never be.

  Dark clouds formed outside as he closed the curtains. Slowly, he walked across the room to lock the door as the black humor consumed him, dragging him down into its too familiar damned pit. There was no escape. His soul had been condemned to Hell years ago, and there it would remain.

  Vee sucked in the fresh air, trying to still the tears threatening to fall. She hated crying all the time, but the idea she could be a prostitute upset her more than the fact she couldn’t remember her own name. She’d spent the last month desperate to recall some part of her past and now she was anxious to keep it all buried.

  “This can’t be true.” The idea of sleeping with men for money repulsed her. Surely a simple knock on the head couldn’t change her personal values and her morals, as well as rob her of her identity. It wasn’t possible. Was it?

  Finding a bench concealed amongst the rose bushes, she sank onto it, weary beyond belief. The sky had gone as dark as her mood, yet she refused to return to the house. Her optimism gone, she gave into utter sadness and let the tears come. For weeks, she’d tried to remain cheerful and positive, despite her memory not returning and the realization no one was looking for her. The sad truth was she had no money, no home and no decent clothing of her own.

  Ben asking her to serve as Chelsea’s governess had been a gift. It would have given her life a purpose, an escape from the limbo in which she’d been living and a means by which to repay the handsome gentleman for all his kindnesses to her.

  Now she couldn’t possibly accept the position. She couldn’t even believe he had offered it. What was he thinking? What person in his right mind asked a prostitute to teach his child?

  Why had she insisted Ben tell her about his suspicions? Why hadn’t she left well enough alone? She could have accepted his generous offer and been happily ensconced in her room right now, planning lessons and looking toward the future rather than trying to recall some seedy past. She’d be free from this hell and all the questions tormenting her.

  Perhaps this was why her memories hadn’t return. Perhaps her subconscious had purposely kept them buried because they were too unhappy, too unpleasant to recollect. Perhaps the events that led up to her being knocked unconscious under that tree were too painful, and her mind was locking them away to protect itself.

  Running her fingers through her hair, she muttered a curse. A hand on her shoulder jerked her out of her reverie.

  “Oh!” She turned to see Chelsea’s head over the back of the bench. The little gir
l flinched at her startled response. “Oh, Chelsea. You scared me.”

  Vee turned around quickly trying to hide her tears, but her feeble attempts at getting herself back together failed. Her breath came in great sobbing gasps that wouldn’t stop. Chelsea came around the bench and stood in front of her.

  “Oh, honey. I’m so s-sorry to let you s-see me like this.” Her voice trembled when she saw genuine worry in the young girl’s eyes. “I’ll be okay.”

  Without a word, Chelsea climbed onto her lap facing her. With tiny hands, she brushed the tears off Vee’s face, leaning forward to place a soft kiss on her cheek. Vee smiled tremulously at the tender gesture, slowly embracing the young girl, marveling over how sensitive the girl was to her suffering.

  She had a heart of gold in that small chest.

  Vee clung gratefully to the warmth of the tiny child. Chelsea, a connoisseur of pain, recognized true anguish in another and knew exactly how to console her.

  They sat under the roses for nearly an hour, even as the dark clouds began to sprinkle them with tiny raindrops, holding onto each other, each lost in the sad thoughts plaguing them. Soon, the embrace turned into a gentle rocking as Vee listened to Chelsea’s breathing turn into the deep inhalations of sleep. Shifting her slightly, she held her as one would an infant, looking down at the girl’s peaceful face.

  She chastised herself for her self-pity. No matter what problems she faced, they weren’t worse than what this child had endured. Losing her mother and grandfather in a fire, coming to live in an unfamiliar house surrounded by strangers—regardless of how kind—and too fearful to open up to speak to anyone. Ashamed of herself, Vee vowed that regardless of what happened to her, she would dedicate herself to helping Chelsea for as long as she could. Decision made, she closed the door to her past firmly behind her and carried Chelsea into the house just as the black skies opened up and a pounding rain began to fall.