No Regrets
Page 11
Vee looked up to see Ben lounging in the doorframe. Gone was the dangerous stranger of the night, replaced with the same harmlessly scowling man she’d come to think of as her friend.
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Good morning, ladies.”
He glanced at Chelsea and the schoolwork before her. “I see you’ve been quite productive this morning, little one.” He ruffled her hair as he had started doing in the past couple of weeks after each of her riding lessons. Neither he nor Vee missed the immediate stiffening of Chelsea’s spine as he touched her head and her quick retreat to the other side of the room.
“I see.” His expression was crestfallen when he turned to face Vee. “I wonder if I might have a moment of your time.”
He braced himself for her rejection as well. The reaction confused her. She was as much to blame for last night as he was, perhaps even more as she was warned to give him space and had blatantly disregarded that counsel. She’d spent the entire night tossing and turning, torn between leaving Waterplace and its miseries, of which she only seemed to be adding to, and going back to Ben’s office and letting whatever happened happen.
She’d kicked the covers off despite the chill in the air, feeling hot and bothered and desperate for more of his embrace. The strength of her desire set off her own feelings of depression as she realized she truly must be a wanton to feel such overwhelming sexual tension radiating through her. As far as she was concerned, her reaction to his overtures was the final proof of her unsavory past.
Sleep eluded her until dawn when she’d finally given up and come to the schoolroom to await her pupil. Chelsea straggled in shortly after her, looking as if she hadn’t slept much better and the two of them had managed to remain successfully hidden away from their problems until now.
“Of course, my lord.” She mimicked the formality of his request. Her cool response seemed to deflate him even further.
“Vee.” His voice was soft, but she turned to Chelsea instead.
“Chelsea, you did a marvelous job this morning. I’m so proud of all you accomplished. I believe this would be a good time for a break. Perhaps you’d like to go down and help Mrs. Cooke prepare lunch?”
She looked from Chelsea to Ben sadly, wishing she could convince the girl to trust her guardian. It was apparent he had come to love the small child and so much of their personal pain could be overcome if only they would reach out to one another.
“I was wondering if after completing your schoolwork you would like to continue our riding lessons?” Ben offered softly, throwing yet another olive branch at the small child’s feet.
Chelsea backed up against the wall as far away from him as possible, her eyes wild with fear. Vee was as confused by the response as Ben. He’d done nothing to harm the girl. Or had he? Had Chelsea stumbled upon him in one of his fits of madness? Was that what had frightened her out of the house all day yesterday? Mrs. Henry knew Ben locked himself away, so it stood to reason that Chelsea understood what was happening as well.
“Chelsea,” she said softly. “Go help Mrs. Cooke prepare the luncheon. I’m afraid you won’t have time to go riding today. I have a math lesson planned and we need to work on that.”
Chelsea, relieved to be given a reprieve, quickly left the room.
Vee felt a pang of guilt at giving the child the opportunity to escape the riding lesson, but until she could discover why the girl was suddenly so afraid, she thought it best to wait. Unfortunately, she’d hurt Ben’s feelings in the process.
“Math lesson?” Anger was evident in every line of his face.
Suffering from a lack of sleep and hanging precariously on to her patience, she felt it slip away. “Yes, a math lesson. You know, numbers, addition, subtraction and such.”
“I know what math is! I would simply like to know what is so damned important about math that it can’t wait until after her riding lesson.”
“In case you failed to notice, she didn’t want to go riding!”
“I could hardly fail to see that, but she loves riding. Whatever silly fear she has would have gone away when she got up on that pony. Why would you keep her away from that? Away from me?” Ben’s voice was calmer now, but it broke a bit on the last question and she felt her heart shatter. Riding was the only common ground he and his young ward had discovered. Of course he was desperate to get it back. However, the girl was terrified again, and Vee had yet to discover why.
“Has Chelsea ever come into your office when you are in one of your black moods?”
Taken aback, Ben stared at her for a full minute before answering. “No. I always lock myself in to protect the people around me. Only you and Mrs. Henry have breached that locked door, and I trust neither of you will ever do it again.” The last was said with anger and the smallest touch of regret.
“I wouldn’t trust that.”
His eyes narrowed. She’d shocked him.
“What I’m asking is, are you certain Chelsea has never seen you in that state?”
“Yes, I’m certain. The curtains are always drawn and the door locked. In case you’ve forgotten, prior to your arrival, the child never came within twenty feet of me.” The pain and frustration of that fact rang out in Ben’s words and she believed him.
If it wasn’t his black humor that frightened the girl, then what? Chelsea had been making real progress. What could have happened to set her back so far?
Ben cleared his throat. “I owe you an apology for last night.”
“No.” She covered his lips with her fingers, unwilling to let him finish. “No, you don’t, but I do. Mrs. Henry said you wanted to be alone, but I didn’t believe her. I should have respected your wishes. I’m sorry.”
Ben grabbed her fingers from his lips and clasped her hand in his. “You have nothing to be sorry about, but if you think it possible, I would like to put last night behind us. Forget the whole thing.”
Vee considered his request. “I don’t think that will be possible. Ben, you need to talk to someone about these spells. Do you know what causes them? Was it my fault? When you showed me my old clothing—”
“No,” he interrupted. “It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing, I assure you. I suffered from these spells long before you came here. I’ve learned how to deal with them the best I can and I ask that you respect my wishes and stay away. Promise you won’t unlock the door again.”
“I—I can’t promise that.”
“Dammit Vee, do you realize what kind of danger you were in last night? I’m not myself in those moments.”
“I don’t believe you would hurt me.”
“Do you know what I wanted to do last night?”
She shook her head and attempted to turn, unwilling to continue this conversation, unwilling to consider all that could have happened.
Refusing to allow her retreat, Ben roughly grabbed her upper arms. “No, don’t turn away. Look at me. I wanted to rip that dress off of you, throw you across the desk, and—and—” Frustrated, he released her, walking across the room to the window. “Vee, I would have taken you whether you wanted to or not.”
“I wanted you to,” she replied calmly.
“What?”
Heat crept up her cheeks and she cursed her blushing. Regardless, she couldn’t let him believe she was an unwilling participant in last night’s activities. Perhaps at first, when he was so rough, but after that, she wanted everything he gave her and more.
Much, much more.
“Please don’t make me say it again.” She was embarrassed by her bold proclamation. “Let’s just say last night there were two people in that room who wanted the same thing.”
“Christ,” he murmured. “You’re killing me. What am I going to do with you?”
Vee had to stop herself from grinning at his anguished response, pleased by the desire in his face. She must truly be a wanton to be so flattered by his attraction to her. Unfortunately that thought sobered her as she recalled why she had gone to seek him out yesterday morning.
Her face betrayed her attempt to lighten her words, as melancholy lingered in her eyes. He hated the sorrow that hadn’t been there before he’d told her his suspicions.
“We really don’t know who you are or where you came from. Those clothes don’t necessarily mean what we think.”
“No, Ben. Please don’t try to explain this away. Let’s stop pretending. I am what I am and it all makes sense now. It explains the beating I suffered and why no one is looking for me. I haven’t made very good choices in life, have I?” Her attempted jest fell short again as her voice betrayed the pain she was suffering.
“For what it’s worth, you don’t have to go back to that life. I meant what I said before, I want you to stay here and be Chelsea’s governess.”
“You can’t seriously want me to teach your ward. I can’t imagine you want me to even remain in the same house with her—or you, for that matter.”
Panic struck as he thought she might try to leave. There had been laughter and conversation in the house since she’d arrived. All the problems that constantly seemed to cast shadows over him were somehow less with her around. Even the setback with Chelsea didn’t seem so serious with her there. He was shocked to realize how much he relied on her to set everything right.
“You aren’t leaving.”
She laughed mirthlessly. “Where would I go? I don’t know where I belong.”
“You belong here. I mean it, Vee. I won’t let you leave.”
“How could you stop me? I’m not a prisoner.”
“No. You’re not. You’re a friend. You aren’t going anywhere until your memories return and not even then, if you don’t want to. No one around here knows anything about your past, and as I plan to reside in Dover with Chelsea permanently, the chances of running into someone who may know you are slim at best.”
He grasped her small hands in his large palms. “I’m offering you a way to start your life anew. Not many of us get that kind of opportunity.” He secretly wished he had the same chance she was now being offered. What would he give to forget his past and start over?
“Stay here. Teach Chelsea.” He chastised himself for the pleading tone in his voice. Why did it matter so much to him that she remain?
“I’m sorry.”
“Again?” He grinned.
“Again. You are simply too good to be true.”
“Well, that’s true.”
She laughed at his teasing comment. He was struck by the differences he saw in himself. He was so different from the man whose bed she’d woken up in a month ago. “So you’ll stay?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I’ll stay, but I meant what I said earlier. I won’t take money from you.”
“Vee—”
“No, no discussion. My mind is made up. Let me have one victory today.”
“We’ll discuss it again, but later. Right now, I need to see about getting Frank Prescott settled into his new role in the stable. I was a bit remiss in my duties yesterday. Since you and Chelsea won’t be joining me this afternoon, I’ll see you at dinner.”
“I know how much you enjoyed the riding lessons. I didn’t mean to insinuate Chelsea shouldn’t spend time with you. It’s just, until we find out why she’s suddenly so fearful, I thought it best to wait.”
“I understand.” His response was a lie. He really didn’t. While Vee was merely baffled by Chelsea’s sudden retreat, he was hurt.
“Oh, Ben. Don’t worry about it. The sun will come out tomorrow.”
He chuckled. “How profound.”
“Yes, it is, isn’t it? The funny thing is I’m sure I didn’t make it up. Must’ve heard it somewhere in my previous life.” A yawn escaped in the midst of her giggle.
“You didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“No,” she admitted. “I didn’t.”
“Why don’t you and Chelsea forgo the math lesson after your lunch and take a nap. It’s been an emotionally trying couple of days for all of us. A bit of rest should go a long way to restoring you to your old self.”
“Oh, my God,” she said with a horrified shiver. “I hope not, but a nap sounds like a wonderful idea.”
She left the room, leaving him to consider this changed Vee. Had he made a mistake in showing her the clothing? The guilt he felt over keeping his suspicion a secret was now replaced by the remorse he felt over hurting her. Her sunny disposition had been dimmed by his suppositions, and he’d give anything to take back the darkness he’d put in its place.
Chapter 11
V is for Vehemence
The days passed at a slow, idyllic pace and July soon gave way to August. It was an uncharacteristically warm and mild summer with very little rain. Ben blessed the good weather as it helped him complete most of the immediate repairs to Waterplace, as well as keep his demons at bay. The house began to take on the look and feel of a true home. No longer did he have to worry about the roof caving in on his head or the floorboards creaking under his feet. No more dodging loose plaster as it crashed to the floor.
While he’d only made repairs to the rooms necessary for habitation, it was evident to those in the surrounding neighborhood, the pervasive gloominess that had hovered over the house was finally vanquished.
The physical changes in the house were not the only transformation noticed by the servants and neighbors. The master of the house, Lord Benjamin Sinclair, was also a changed man. Mrs. Henry remarked to him that morning at breakfast it wouldn’t be long until the ladies of the local gentry began making their way back to the front door. He leaned back in his desk chair considering Mrs. Henry’s comments. The story surrounding his move to the country to help his emotionally disturbed little ward had made the rounds. According to Mrs. Henry, the local society dames were impressed with his compassionate nature as they marveled over him providing Chelsea with not only a beautiful home, but a proper education as well.
Word of Vee’s presence in the house as a talented governess from London was also making its way throughout Dover. For that, he secretly thanked Mrs. Henry and Doc Jonesbury. He had no doubt the two conspired to put a positive light on Vee’s questionable presence in the house during those first few weeks, and they were working hard to build up a solid, respectable background for her. He’d never told either of them his suspicions regarding her past and felt confident their unwavering support was based solely on Vee’s optimism and cheerful personality. The kind-hearted housekeeper and no-nonsense doctor had adopted the young woman as their own, agreeing that if her family was foolish enough to let her disappear without searching for her, they weren’t worth having.
A movement at the window caught his eye. Rising, he peered outside to spy Vee organizing her latest attempt at drawing Chelsea back into the sunshine. Much to his chagrin, the changes in his young ward were much slower in coming. The child still wouldn’t speak, eschewed all talk of riding lessons and had stopped going outside altogether. Vee planned picnics, nature lessons and scavenger hunts all to no avail. If he guessed correctly, it looked like today’s effort would be a tea party in the garden.
Chuckling, he watched as she stumbled over the table leg, nearly upsetting the whole arrangement. Her clumsiness continued to be a source of amusement amongst the servants. Very few days passed without some small mishap or broken dish. Two nights ago, Ben had caught the male servants in the stable placing bets on when her next calamity would occur.
One change in Chelsea for which he was grateful was that she no longer continued to hide from him. At Vee’s insistence, he had begun putting the child to bed at night. After a few awkward nights, he got the hang of the routine, and he now found those precious few moments with Chelsea the time of day he looked forward to most. He was never so touched as when she crawled into his lap so he could read her a bedtime story. Many nights he continued to hold her long after the story was finished just to savor the feeling
of her small heart beating against his chest and to listen to the soft inhalations of her breath in sleep.
“Pardon me for interrupting, milord.” Glancing up, Ben spotted Frank Prescott making his way into the room.
“Good morning, Frank. Is there a problem?” Any concerns he may have had about hiring Frank Prescott had long since disappeared. The man was a wonder in the stable with a knack for breeding and training horses.
“No, milord. No problem at all. That little pony of your ward’s has thrown a shoe. I need to get it replaced. We planned on working with the black mare today, but I may be a bit late returning from the smithy.”
“That’s fine. I’ve got a great deal of work to do here. Take care of the pony. We’ll push back the training until this afternoon.”
“Very good, sir.” Rather than leaving the room, Frank paused as if he had more to say.
“Is there anything else you needed, Frank?”
“No sir, I mean, well, I was wondering when your ward will begin riding the pony again. It’s been several weeks and—”
Ben was uncomfortable with Frank’s inquiry. “Chelsea hasn’t been feeling well of late. She’ll begin her lessons again as soon as she’s able.”
“I see, sir. I understand from the lads in the stable she doesn’t talk.”
“I fail to see how my ward’s welfare is any of your concern.” Ben’s tone was sharper than he intended.
“Of course not, milord, but the young lad, Jimmy, mentioned how much she enjoyed the pony. I thought perhaps to offer my services. To continue her lessons myself.”
“I appreciate the offer, but once Chelsea is able, I will instruct her. I enjoyed teaching her very much.”
“Of course, milord. I hope the little miss feels better soon. I’ll see you this afternoon then.” Frank left quickly as Ben pondered the brief conversation, wondering at Prescott’s sudden interest in Chelsea. No doubt, word of Chelsea’s troubles had passed through the stable, and Frank merely meant to offer his assistance, but something in the man’s tone set off a warning in his head.