No Regrets

by Mari Carr

  “Doesn’t rise for hours. Besides, contrary to what she may lead you to believe, she works for me, not the other way around.”

  She grinned, thrilled that he wanted her to stay.

  “Tell me more about your family.”

  Ben talked for a long time about his father and mother and numerous sisters. She was pleased to hear he’d had a happy childhood. His parents loved each other and their children very much, although he expressed concern that he was a bit of a disappointment to his father.

  Wistfully, she wondered what her childhood had been like, if she were as adored as Ben and his brother and sisters were. He told stories about his school days and about his dearest friends, Alex and Jack. He enthralled her with stories of their exploits and how often they’d gotten in trouble.

  “I can’t wait to meet them,” she said. “So far, besides the Henrys, Doc Jonesbury and the other servants, I haven’t met anyone. Why don’t you see your family and friends more often?”

  Ben had cut himself off from the people who cared about him. He’d been afraid his friends and parents would realize he was going mad and he didn’t want to put them through the pain of watching his dark descent. Waterplace was his hideout, his escape from the world until in a fit of madness he took his own life. A shudder ran through him now as he thought about Vee and how she’d changed all that with her unassuming nature and peacefulness. She’d brought happiness to a lonely child, light to a dark house and life to his cold, still heart. What would she say if she learned the true depths of his despair?

  “Ben, when I came in earlier, during the storm—”

  His harsh laugh stopped her words. “Ah yes, when you witnessed my madness. I wondered when we would get around to that. You see, my dear, I’m afraid of storms. How’s that for a brave war hero?” He refused to face her, unwilling to see the disgust and pity that must lie in her lovely eyes.

  “Not storms,” she whispered.

  “What?”

  “You aren’t afraid of storms. I saw you. You’re afraid of the memories that accompany the sounds of the storms. Isn’t that right? Each boom of thunder, each flash of lightning reminds you of the battles.” Reaching up, she cupped his cheek in her delicate hand. “I can only imagine the horrors you must have endured.”

  He sighed, unwilling to look at her lovely face, amazed she’d grasped the heart of his fears so succinctly.

  “You’re right. It’s the memories. For the past three years, I’ve spent every thunderstorm locked in my room surrounded by weapons, fighting the same losing battle. With each storm, the fears, the madness becomes worse. The week before you came, I sat in this very room with the muzzle of my pistol in my mouth. I was going to end the memories, the pain. Isn’t that ironic? Here you are trying to recall your past, while all I want is to forget mine.”

  “What stopped you?”

  “Chelsea,” he answered. “I hadn’t seen to her care after my death. That’s the reason I went to see my friend Alex. Or one of the reasons actually. I needed to find Chelsea a governess, but I also needed to make sure her future was settled. The McCormicks are my dearest friends, and I knew Alex and his lovely wife would consent to take care of Chelsea should anything happen to me.”

  Studying her worried face, he wondered if she was recalling his scowling, bleak features the first night she’d woken up in his bed. So much had changed about him since her arrival. She’d brought so much laughter and happiness to the house.

  It was time for him to move beyond the past. Vee believed Chelsea would only live up to their expectations and no more. It was time he learned the same lesson. No more wallowing in self-pity or self-inflicted pain. No more dark days. From now on, he only wanted to be with the woman who had become his lifeline, his best friend and his passionate lover.

  Hoping to relieve her worried look, he was surprised when she began to giggle. Shocked at the sound, he looked at her. He just admitted he’d considered suicide and she was laughing at him?

  “Vee.” He couldn’t understand her unrestrained mirth. He’d shared the darkest secret of his soul and she—

  Caught up in her laughter, she didn’t even notice he was hurt by her response.

  “Dammit, Vee,” he said. “It’s not funny.”

  “Yes it is. You take life far too seriously. The only thing wrong with you is you don’t take time to enjoy life as you should. The past is the past, Ben. God knows you’ve said that to me enough in the last few weeks.”

  “That’s because I thought you were a, well, you know what I thought.”

  His discomfort over saying the word set her off giggling again. “Come now, after all we’ve done in this bed, surely you can say the word. You thought I was a whore, a ladybird, a woman of loose morals. If you think about it, that’s the funniest thing of all! What a pair we make.”

  He struggled to retain his composure, but in the face of her cheerfulness, it was a battle he was glad to lose. No woman was more courageous than his Vee. She didn’t know her true name, had lost her virginity, had stood up to him in his madness and yet through it all she’d retained her humor, her optimism and her beautiful spirit. Every moment he spent in her presence, he fell more in love with her.

  She placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “I love your laughter.” Her words set him free. “It’s the most beautiful sound on earth and I wish you’d do it more.”

  Her free-spirited approach to life was the right path for him. The past was the past. It was only the future that mattered and his future included Vee, Chelsea, his dear friends, the Henrys, as well as this house and the horses in the stable. These were the important things, the only things that truly mattered. He’d spent too much time lingering in the shadows of his past to recognize how much he had to live for in the present. It was the here and now that mattered and Vee had shown him the way.

  “God, I love you.” He drew her to him and took her lips in a kiss that was neither gentle nor hard. A kiss that proved the depths of his feelings. His tongue swept her bottom lip before feasting on the contours of her mouth. She joined the battle, her tongue lightly caressing his.

  When at last he released her, he gently laid her back on the bed, pulling the covers over her.

  “No more of that or we won’t stop.” He rolled her to her side and joined her spoon-fashion beneath the blanket.

  “Why do we have to stop?” Her breathing was still irregular from the fervor of their kisses.

  “Because you were a virgin, and I’ve already taken you twice tonight. Your body needs time to recover. Go to sleep, sunshine.”

  She started to protest, but already her eyes were drifting shut. It had been a long, but glorious night.

  “Sweet dreams,” she whispered.

  “Sweet dreams.”

  Then that elusive, wonderful thing called peaceful sleep came to claim them both.

  Chapter 16

  V is for Venus

  Before dawn the next morning, Ben woke Vee with sweet, lingering kisses as he roused her from her sleepy state.

  “Time to return to your own bed, my love, or Mrs. Henry will surely find us. I, for one, would not like to be on the receiving end of that particular lecture.”

  “Nor would I.” She rubbed her eyes and stretched.

  “Come, I’ll help you dress.”

  “That should be quick seeing as how you destroyed my nightgown. I don’t know how I’ll explain the state of it to Mrs. Henry.”

  He grimaced.

  “Don’t,” she said as she looked at his guilty face.

  “I was too rough with you. I’m afraid I have a great deal to make up for.”

  “Ooh, I like the sound of that. You, in debt to me.”

  “Nevertheless, I’ll replace your gown as soon as I’m able. In the meantime, perhaps we can invent a plausible story?”

  She raised her eyebrows, fairly certain they wouldn’t find a tale even remotely believable for the remains of her tattered gown. “I’ll come up with something.”

  �
��Come.” He led her through the doorway and down the hallway, kissing her lightly as he left her at the door to her room. “I’ll see you later.”

  She returned to her room feeling lighter and happier than she’d ever been. Or at least as light and happy as she could ever remember being. She blushed when she thought of the things she and Ben had done.

  So many happy memories made in only two months. She recalled him watching her with delight as she choked on Mrs. Henry’s soup and his brandy. How he’d teasingly referred to her as Esmerelda and Hilda before landing on her favorite nickname, sunshine. She enjoyed his constant teasing about her clumsiness. There was so much good inside of him that got lost in the mire of his self-recrimination and regret. It was time to pull out the fun-loving, generous aspects of his personality and bury the rest.

  And, most exciting of all, he said he loved her. She wondered if he remembered saying the words. She would never forget. Lord Benjamin Sinclair, the handsome son of a duke, said he loved her. Her. She was certain nothing she’d ever done in her previous life was good enough to deserve this wonderful fate. The man she absolutely adored loved her back.

  She collapsed backwards onto her bed as she joyfully planned the future. The past no longer mattered, as she dreamed of waking up every morning next to him, spending her days helping him raise Chelsea and perhaps even children of their own.

  “Good God.” The possibility of children was quite real as she recalled their actions during the night.

  “No protection.” Ben had taken her—twice.

  “Oh, God, please. Please let me have his baby.”

  It was a completely selfish, irresponsible wish, but she wished it just the same. The idea of having a child with Ben brought her undeniable happiness. It was with that happy thought she drifted off to sleep, dreaming of Ben’s dark haired, black-eyed son. Ben’s baby.

  Ben awoke in his bed alone with a smile on his face. The first thought to cross his mind was Vee, in his bed, in his arms. The previous night seemed like a dream, one from which he hoped never to wake. Her appearance in the midst of his darkest hour was a miracle. She was his miracle.

  Glancing out the window, he was shocked to realize how late it was. Never one to sleep much past dawn, one glance at the full sun convinced him it must be nearly noon.

  He was anxious to see Vee again. To bask in her presence, smell her uniquely fresh, light scent, and sneak her away to a dark corner to steal a kiss. Dressing quickly, he descended the stairs with the single-minded purpose of finding his governess and whisking her away somewhere private to have his wicked way with her once again. Or perhaps twice.

  He checked the schoolroom and upon finding it empty, decided she must be having a late breakfast herself. However, the dining room, study, morning room and library were also empty. Knowing her aversion to riding and Frank Prescott, he eliminated the stables from his ever-shorter list of places to search. Finally, the smell of bread baking and voices raised in laughter reached him—the kitchen. Shaking his head for forgetting her love of baking, he headed to the back of the house.

  Standing at the doorway, he was shocked at the sight. Mrs. Henry, Mrs. Cooke and Vee were singing and cooking while Chelsea danced, all of them laughing over their strange song. He stepped back into the shadows when Mrs. Henry passed by the door to retrieve a bowl from the opposite wall, unwilling to trespass on their fun. Vee, apparently the instigator, was teaching the ladies the chorus of the song. Ever sensitive to Chelsea’s silence, she had created hand motions for the young girl so she could participate in the silliness.

  “Okay,” Vee announced to her small choir. “Let’s take it from the top. And please, forgive my voice.”

  “Ach, Miss Vee, you have a lovely singing voice.” Mrs. Henry bubbled with enthusiasm at their private performance.

  “Well, here goes nothing!” At that, she proceeded to sing a song Ben had never heard before. By the way she was swinging her hips and humming between verses, it was apparent she could hear the music in her head. He was entranced by her free-spirited nature and absorbed by the sight of his beautiful governess—singing without inhibitions, dancing and swaying. How much she had blossomed since her arrival at Waterplace.

  Frowning suddenly, he listened more closely to the words of her song.

  What the devil is she singing?

  Soon Mrs. Cooke and Mrs. Henry joined in. “I am woman. Hear me roar. I am strong. I am invincible.” At their words, Chelsea held her arms up as if to display some great muscular strength, much to the delight of the other women.

  She sang of the power of women and Ben couldn’t help but be reminded of Hayley Campbell and Erin McCormick, the wives of his friends. Both women were unconventional, outspoken and rather headstrong. He felt a slight uneasiness as he considered the similarities between Vee and the other two women. They were kind and intelligent, but among members of the haut ton, he had heard whispered comments about their innate oddness. He’d never mentioned the rumors surrounding the marchioness and countess to his friends because both men were so smitten, he feared they’d challenge the entire ton in an effort to silence the cruel comments.

  But Ben couldn’t deny to himself there was something different about them, something unique and more than a little strange that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Now, for the first time, he had the same feeling about Vee.

  Prior to last night, he thought he had her past figured out. He’d blamed her differences on the fact that she was part of the lower classes, a prostitute. But she’d been an innocent, which left him with more questions than answers regarding her past, her strange clothing, her odd manner of speech and this song.

  Unwilling to allow her to fall victim to the nasty remarks of society, he stepped forward just as Vee bent to pick Chelsea up and swing her around. All the women froze in mid-song and Ben would have laughed if he weren’t so upset by Vee’s behavior and the inappropriate example she was setting for his ward.

  “Vee.” His voice was tense, despite his attempts to appear normal. “Might I have a word with you?”

  Still smiling, she put Chelsea down, placing a light kiss on the girl’s nose. Groaning to himself, the girl’s smile turned to one of fear as he realized, once again, he’d taken the joy out of the room. Chelsea had been acting like a normal child and he’d ruined it. Smiling at her, he picked her up to swing her about himself.

  “I had no idea you were such a talented dancer.” He was desperate to rectify his mistake. “Had I known I would have taken you to every ball in London.”

  Chelsea giggled as he continued to dance her about the kitchen.

  “Forgive me, ladies. I didn’t mean to interrupt your party, but I need to speak to Miss Vee for just a moment.” His face and voice were lighter this time, more charming. Both the servants released a sigh of relief that he was not angry.

  Bowing slightly, he gestured for Vee to precede him. With a playful curtsy, she walked ahead of him toward his study. Ben closed the door as they entered, yet as she turned to face him, her eyes sparkling with laughter, the chastisement he’d planned disappeared. Instead, he grabbed her, pulling her into a tight embrace, his lips covering hers in a possessive kiss.

  Her desire matched his own. Her hands tangled in his hair, keeping his lips on hers. His hands slid from her waist to her buttocks, gripping firmly, forcing her lower body toward his.

  He feared his intensity would frighten her. After all, she was newly initiated to the art of love, but rather than shying away, she moved her hands to the waistband of his trousers, ripping his shirt from where it was tucked so that her hands could reach underneath to caress his chest. Shocked by her boldness, his control slipped even further.

  Within moments, he moved them across the room, lifted her up onto the top of the desk and raised her skirt. Opening her knees, he had just stepped between when the he felt the smallest shred of guilt.

  “Vee.” He attempted to regain control.

  Sensing his retreat, she pulled him to her as she w
rapped her legs around his waist. Then she broke his waning willpower with a single word. “Please.”

  Unwilling to stop, he quickly opened his trousers and entered her in one thrust. At her quick intake of breath, he cursed aloud. He was helpless to resist this Venus sent to bewitch him.

  “Dammit, Vee,” he said on a sigh. “I’m so sorry. I should have realized you would be sore.”

  Regardless of his crumbling resolve, he attempted once again to retreat, only to be surprised by the strength in her lovely, shapely legs as they tightened around his thighs.

  “Don’t leave,” she said. “It will hurt much worse if you stop. I need you, Ben.”

  “God, sunshine,” he muttered. “You’re killing me.”

  “What a way to go.”

  The afternoon sun cast its bright yellow light across her face and for a moment, Ben could swear she wasn’t human, but a shooting ray from that glorious ball of fire sent to warm him.

  “Let’s go together.” He kissed her soft cheek, coming into her again with a gentleness he didn’t know he possessed. He made love to her slowly, as if they had the rest of eternity to spend in this one precious instant, and when their climax came, it was as sweet and as powerful as the moment itself.

  How long they clung to each other afterward, he couldn’t say. All he knew was his life had been forever changed by this oddly unique woman. Realizing he’d failed to lock the door to his study, he forced himself to leave the warmth of her body, despite her soft protest.

  “Hush,” he whispered, when she asked him to stay inside her for a little longer. “I forgot to lock the door.”

  He helped her up, setting her dress to rights. Refastening his pants, he took her hand and led her to the chaise by the fireplace.

  “I’m afraid my best intentions fly out the window when it comes to you.”

  She curled up next to him. “What do you mean?”

  “What I mean,” he replied, his voice suddenly tight as he tried to rein in his body’s response any time she got too close, “is I brought you in here to chastise you for attempting to start a revolution amongst my female employees and ward. I’m not sure where I went wrong.”