The Nose That Nobody Picked

by David Parkin

  His specimens floated silently in their jars. The eyeballs watched blankly. The lips that had never spoken did not break their silence. They just smiled on and hung lifelessly in their blue liquid, like so many dead fish. Another nose jumped in an eruption of mucus.

  Doctor Skinner peered around with bitter eyes. “No! No-one alive here. Just me … as usual.”

  He flew into a rage and swiped at the shelves with his huge gangly arms. Jars flew across the room and smashed, scattering glass, ears, hands, elbows and eyes. The doctor, his face red, upended his desk and stamped angrily on each of the fifty noses as they rolled around the floor.

  The last nose squished beneath his boot.

  “Come on Skinner … think!” He looked up through the glass roof at the crescent moon.

  “I just need to find out what’s missing. What ingredient have I left out? What’s the difference between a dead nose and a living one?”

  The doctor slumped at his desk and sighed. With a heavy hand he reached into a drawer and pulled out a locket. He flicked it open and ran a thin finger over the old picture inside.

  “I want to make you proud,” he said to the faded image of a frail-looking woman. “All I need is that ingredient. That’s all it would take.”

  He closed his eyes and his brow furrowed deeply.

  “If I just had that ingredient, Mother,” he said slowly. “There’s so much I could do.”

  He looked to the photo. “You understand that.”

  The doctor’s fist clenched slowly around the locket.

  “I need to know,” he muttered through gritted teeth. “No matter the cost.”

  He snapped the locket shut and jumped to his feet.

  “There’s only one answer,” he shouted. “I must have that nose. Whether the kid likes it or not!”

  He walked over to the dancing candle flame, his eyes shining with fire.

  “Just one dissection … that’s all it would take.”

  His hunched shadow grew huge against the laboratory walls.

  “I must find out the nose’s secret.”

  His finger and thumb slowly closed around the flame.

  “When I get hold of that kid,” he said as the candle hissed and died, “he’s dead meat.”

  The Old Tree House

  Christopher and Little Big Nose sat in an old tree house and looked out on the autumn sky. Leaves fell below them in spiralling showers of amber and brown, and the creatures of the forest either stocked their larders or flew away to warmer lands.

  “Winter’s coming,” said Christopher. “I hate winter.”

  Little Big Nose sniffed the air. “There’s definitely a chill on its way.”

  Christopher looked at his watch. Five o’clock and it was already getting dark. “Autumn’s nearly as bad … because you know winter’s just around the corner.” He dropped a twig and watched it tumble toward the dead leaves that littered the forest floor. “Autumn always makes me sad.”

  “Its true that autumn comes before winter,” said Little Big Nose. “But in my opinion it’s also the most beautiful of all the seasons.”

  Christopher sighed and looked around. From the height of the tree house the forest lay in front of him like a giant patchwork quilt of green, red and bronze. Christopher had to agree that it was beautiful.

  “But a little sad,” conceded the nose. “It seems to me that the most beautiful things in life often have something a little sad about them.”

  Christopher stared into the sunset. “Goodbye, sunshine.”

  It had been a wonderful summer, with long golden days and late hazy evenings. Christopher and Little Big Nose had spent most of their time in Christopher’s garden. After their experience with Doctor Skinner, they had forgotten about finding the nose a face. They were happy to enjoy each other’s company and the wonderful weather. But now it was coming to an end.

  “Who do you think built this tree house?” asked Little Big Nose.

  “That’s easy,” replied Christopher and began to brush and blow the dust off one of the walls.

  Scratched into the wood were the words: ‘David’s tree house’.

  “Do you think he would mind us sitting in it?”

  “Well, this place is really old,” said Christopher. “I expect he’s grown up by now.”

  “But he might still visit.”

  “I doubt it … grownups don’t climb trees, they drive cars and go to work and stuff. I guess they don’t have time…”

  “But there’s always time to climb a tree!”

  Christopher frowned. “Yes, I suppose so … I think it’s that they don’t really want to climb trees anymore.”

  “It would appear to me that humans are very different from slugs,” said Little Big Nose. “Slugs get wiser as they get older, whereas humans seem to do the exact opposite.”

  Christopher and Little Big Nose laughed, both of them unaware that somewhere in the branches above, something was listening.

  An aerial slowly rose into the air.

  The device was half machine, half ear, and every time Christopher talked, a red light flashed and an ear lobe twitched.

  Far away in Doctor Skinner’s laboratory, an antique radio set began to buzz loudly. The doctor, who had been enjoying an afternoon nap, jumped to his feet and blinked his eyes.

  “What’s going on?”

  When he saw the buzzing radio set, a huge teethy smile spread across his face.

  “I’ve found him!” The doctor jumped to his feet. “All my work hasn’t been in vain!”

  Doctor Skinner had spent the entire summer hiding mechanical ears and eyeballs all around town. He had put them in schools, playgrounds, sweet shops and pretty much anywhere you might find children (including tree-houses) all in an attempt to hunt out Christopher and Little Big Nose.

  He twisted a large knob on the radio and turned the volume up. It crackled and whined, but soon Christopher’s voice could be heard faintly through the static.

  “I’ve got the little squirt!” said Skinner as he lowered his ears to the speakers. “Now … what’s he saying?”

  “I’ve been thinking, Little Big Nose,” said Christopher’s voice. “And maybe it’s time we started trying to find you a face again.”

  Doctor Skinner sneered. “Isn’t that sweet…”

  “So I tell you what … we can go to the library tomorrow to see if there’s any books about this sort of thing. There’s bound to be. There are books about everything. Well … that’s what Lauren says anyway…”

  “Going to the library, are we?” The doctor switched the radio off and giggled to himself. “Well, I might just be there tomorrow as well. Maybe I’ll take out some books or maybe … I’ll just take the nose!”

  Doctor Skinner skipped over to his specimens. He was in such a good mood he decided to treat himself.

  “I’ll just have the one. I deserve it for being such a clever doctor!”

  He brought the eyeball up to his lips and sucked it into his mouth in one big slurp. His cheeks bulged as the eye squelched and burst.

  “Mmmm … Delicious!” he said, as the thick white juice dribbled down his chin.

  We Meet Again!

  As a rule Christopher didn’t really like libraries. He never understood why they had to be such quiet, serious places.

  “I’m doing this for you,” he said to Little Big Nose as he tucked him in his pocket. He tried his best to smile as he walked past the severe-looking lady at the counter.

  When he got in among the shelves Christopher realized that he had no idea what he was looking for, and wandered about for half an hour scratching his head. Eventually he found a thin book about the history of the moustache and decided to start with that.

  He flopped down at a table and opened the book.
>
  “So, you little twerp … we meet again.”

  Christopher’s blood ran cold. He slowly looked up. Doctor Skinner towered above him with his long arms folded.

  “Hello, Doctor Skinner…” said Christopher. “Fancy meeting you here.”

  “Be quiet and listen…” The doctor pulled up a chair and spread his twelve fingers across the table. “Now, I’m going to make this very simple. The nose belongs to me. If you don’t hand him over I will have to take him from you.”

  “I … I haven’t got him anymore,” said Christopher. “He ran away … to somewhere … somewhere very far away from here.”

  “Don’t lie to me, pipsqueak!” spat Doctor Skinner. “I know you’ve got him, and I’m willing to bet he’s sitting in your pocket right now.”

  Doctor Skinner looked down at Christopher’s coat pocket. It trembled slightly and a small sneeze came from inside.

  “Come on…” said the doctor. “Just hand him over and we can go our separate ways … and forget this … unpleasantness.”

  Christopher glanced at the exits. There was no way past Doctor Skinner. He was cornered.

  A long minute passed as Christopher sat at the table and thought.

  Eventually he frowned, nodded to himself and then slowly reached into his pocket. Doctor Skinner’s eyes lit up and a huge grin spread across his face, “You won’t regret this.”

  Little Big Nose sniffled and shook in Christopher’s hand.

  “I’m sorry,” said Christopher to the nose. “But what can I do?”

  Doctor Skinner reached across the table. “You know it makes sense, kid.”

  But before the doctor could lay his hands on the nose, Christopher jumped to his feet.

  “Let’s hope this works!” he said, and held the nose up in front of his face.

  “Little Big Nose … suck!” With a big slurp Little Big Nose used his BURPs to stick himself to the middle of Christopher’s face, right over his friend’s normal, smaller nose. Suddenly Christopher looked like a little boy with a very big nose. A very big nose speckled with ginger freckles.

  “Dight, Doctor Dinner,” said Christopher in a low, calm, if somewhat strange, voice. “If you want da dose your gonna daff do dake me as well. He’s duck on really dight.”

  Doctor Skinner scowled and banged his fist on the table. A red-faced librarian looked up from his desk and glared in their direction.

  “And if you dake me I’ll kick and scream da douse down.”

  “Why you little…”

  “Christopher?”

  Doctor Skinner turned. Across the library was a girl with glasses and red hair.

  “Christopher, what are you doing here?” asked Lauren. “Everything all right?”

  Doctor Skinner looked around the library. The red-faced librarian was still watching him intently and people were frowning at him over their books. As he stood up he whispered in Christopher’s ear, “I’ll get that nose yet…”

  The doctor looked at Lauren and a cold smile fell across his face.

  “Well Christopher. It’s been very nice to see you again. And who may I ask, is this?”

  Lauren put on her polite voice. “I’m Lauren, Christopher’s sister. I help out at the library on Sundays.”

  Christopher winced to himself. He’d forgotten that. If he’d remembered Lauren was going to be there, he never would have come.

  “Charmed, I’m sure,” said the doctor. “I’m Doctor Skinner. Christopher and I share an interest.”

  Then he looked at his watch and raised an eyebrow.

  “Is that the time! Well, it’s been nice to meet you, Lauren … Christopher…” Doctor Skinner stared him right in the eye. “Until next time…”

  And with that he was gone.

  “What a creepy man,” said Lauren with a shiver.

  “You don’t doe da half of dit…” muttered Christopher.

  “What? Take that fake nose off. I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”

  Christopher pulled Little Big Nose away from his face and tucked him in his pocket.

  “How do you know him?” asked Lauren.

  “Erm … he’s a fellow gardener,” said Christopher. “We like to meet in the library occasionally and talk about … plants.”

  Lauren frowned at her brother. “I didn’t know that.”

  “There are a lot of things about me you don’t know.”

  “But why were you wearing that fake nose?”

  Christopher face fell. “Erm…” He tried to think. “Well … I’m … I’m surprised you ask. Isn’t it obvious?”

  Lauren frowned even harder and then smiled.

  “Oh yes. Silly me…”

  “What?”

  “But Halloween’s not until next Saturday. Don’t you think it’s a bit early to be trying on your costume?”

  Doctor Skinner paused at the front counter of the library. He turned to the severe woman behind the desk with his best smile.

  “Before I go I just wanted to say how helpful a member of your staff has been.”

  “Oh thank you,” said the woman with a tight little nod.

  “Yes … the charming girl with the red hair and glasses. Now, what was her name? Lauren…”

  “Lauren Postlethwaite.” The woman took off her glasses and smiled for the first time that day, “She helps out at the weekend. She is the most delightful young lady.”

  “Isn’t she just … Lauren Postlethwaite. Well, she’s been very helpful … very helpful indeed.”

  Halloween Night

  Mrs Postlethwaite watched the cloaked figure creep down the darkened hallway. A candle flickered through the blank eyes of a hollowed pumpkin, throwing dancing shadows of the hunched creature against the walls. Mrs Postlethwaite held her breath and edged open the kitchen door. Slowly the figure reached for the latch with trembling green fingers.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” demanded Mrs Postlethwaite and snapped on the hallway light.

  Christopher spun round and sneezed loudly.

  “Bless you.”

  “Danks,” Christopher reached up to check that the large green nose was still stuck to his face, and then reluctantly met his mother’s stare.

  There it was again, the look.

  “So?”

  “Drick or Dreading…” said Christopher.

  “With who?”

  “The Edward dwins…”

  “I happen to know for a fact that the Edwards are in the Isle Of White and besides, I can’t remember the last time you played with the twins.” Mrs Postlethwaite folded her arms. “Christopher, I do not like being lied to.”

  “I’ll be absoludely fine!”

  “I’m not having you wandering the streets on your own. If you really want to go, you can take your sister.”

  “Bud she’s younger dan me…”

  “I don’t care … there’s safety in numbers,” Mrs Postlethwaite grabbed a sheet that was drying on a radiator and a pair of scissors from a kitchen drawer.

  “Lauren!” She turned to Christopher. “You … wait there!” With that she disappeared up the stairs.

  Christopher watched her go and then turned to the hallway mirror. With the cloak, the green face paint and the broomstick, he and Little Big Nose made a pretty good witch.

  He reached up and patted the nose, “You all righd?”

  “Fine,” replied Little Big Nose. “You mother gave me quite a shock, that’s all.”

  “Yeah, me doo…” said Christopher. “Id looks like Lauren’s coming wid us, so you bedder keep quied.”

  “That’s alright, I don’t mind being quiet. It should be fun.”

  “Who you talking to?” Lauren pulled the sheet over her head and peered out through tw
o makeshift holes.

  “Do-one,” said Christopher. “You call dat a cosdume?”

  “Well, if you’d have told me you were going trick or treating I might have had more time to prepare…”

  “Did id occur do you that I did nod dell you because I was happy enoud on my own.”

  “Well, aren’t you the mysterious loner these days. Some day you’re going to need friends, and…”

  “Right, that’s it you two!” Mrs Postlethwaite flew down the stairs and bundled them out of the door. “Stop arguing and off you go. Give me some peace and quiet for a change.”

  The front door slammed and Christopher and Lauren were alone together on the porch.

  “Id’s sdill a rubbish cosdume,” said Christopher.

  “Well, what are you supposed to be? The green goblin?”

  “Look ad da broomsdick, sdupid.”

  “A zombie cleaning lady?”

  “I’m obviously a widch, da cloak, da nose. Oh come on, leds ged going…”

  “Slow down, I’m going to trip over my sheet…”

  “I’m going do drip over my sheed! Ged a move on!”

  Mrs Postlethwaite watched from the window as off they went, carrying an empty bucket, two terrors, squabbling into the night.

  The evening was going well, so well in fact that they had to take turns to carry their bucket of sweets. Only one old man had refused to give them anything. Christopher had been keen to drop an egg through his letterbox, but Lauren argued against it.

  “Most mean people are usually that way because they’re sad and lonely, it doesn’t seem right to make his life more miserable.”

  Christopher had reluctantly agreed not to trick the old man, but he secretly hoped that sooner or later they’d be able to trick someone.

  All the while Little Big Nose silently clung to Christopher’s face, thoroughly enjoying the whole experience. The damp fallen leaves gave off a wonderful rich aroma as Lauren and Christopher kicked them into the air, and each house had a different smell and a unique smiling face. Children shrieked with excitement in the distance and small goblins, trolls, monsters and vampires skipped along the streets and alleyways. He was learning that, like slugs, humans had their own special events and traditions … and he rather liked Halloween.