The Nose That Nobody Picked

by David Parkin

  The doctor’s eyes glistened and the scalpel shook above the nose. He stumbled for the right words. “I don’t want to be a father…”

  “But you are…” said the nose.

  “But I don’t want to be … it’s too confusing.” The doctor loosened his grip on the knife. “I need time to think…”

  He looked at Little Big Nose with desperate eyes. “I don’t know how to do the right thing…”

  “Christopher? Lauren?” A cry came up the stairs and the door swung open.

  “Dad!” cried Lauren.

  “What is going on?” Mr Postlethwaite surveyed the room with furious eyes, seeing his children in a cage, human body parts on the floor. Then he saw the strange man with wild eyes.

  Doctor Skinner raised his hands. “Listen,” he said. “I can explain…”

  Mr Postlethwaite grabbed him by the lapels.

  Mrs Postlethwaite burst through the door. “Christopher, Lauren, you’re all right!” In an instant she was at the cage.

  “Where are the keys?” snarled Mr Postlethwaite.

  Skinner held out a trembling finger. “The … there…”

  Mr Postlethwaite pushed Skinner away, grabbed the keys and threw them to Christopher and Lauren’s mum. She unlocked the door and the children rushed into her arms.

  The doctor tried his best smile. “Excuse me, sir… but this has all been a terrible misunderstanding … I’m sure…”

  Mr Postlethwaite stepped forward, pulled back his fist and thumped Doctor Skinner right on the nose. The doctor stumbled a few feet with a confused look on his face and then, with a tiny giggle, he teetered backwards across the laboratory. More specimen jars toppled from their shelves as the doctor’s gangly arms spiraled helplessly, a table was knocked onto its side and the centrifuge slid to the floor. Skinner folded in on himself and collapsed in a corner.

  Mr Postlethwaite inspected his knuckles, then looked over to his children.

  “What is going on here?”

  “Dad, watch out!” called Lauren.

  Mr Postlethwaite stepped out of the centrifuge’s path just in time. The machine was still working at full speed, but now it was dislodged, loose on the laboratory floor. Like a spinning top filled with snot it span around and around on the tiles. Sparks crackled across the darkened room and the beakers and test tubes of mucus rattled angrily.

  The doctor rose unsteadily to his feet and looked around with bleary eyes. To him the centrifuge’s spinning was a smudged and confusing spectacle. He blinked hard but still couldn’t focus. Then there was a popping noise and a streak of green jumped from the machine and headed straight for him.

  The beaker of snot smashed against the doctor’s forehead with incredible force. Goo sprayed everywhere and Skinner fell back into his corner.

  “Duck!” shouted Christopher. Mr Postlethwaite hit the floor. Lauren and Christopher huddled up to their mum.

  Suddenly the laboratory was filled with flying mucus and exploding glass. Like a strange fireworks display, the jars whizzed from the centrifuge and smashed against walls and ceilings. Lauren and Chrsitopher were held close to Mrs Postlethwaite’s chest as snot and shards of glass showered down on them. Christopher was surrounded by the zipping sounds of airborne test tubes, mighty crashes and wet splats. He sneaked a look out from under his mother’s arm. A thin spray of goo filled the air. Snot was everywhere. Over the walls, over his family and over the specimens that littered the floor.

  The last candle fizzled out as a huge splodge of mucus dripped from the ceiling and onto its flame.

  Darkness fell. The centrifuge slowly came to a halt.

  Christopher looked across at his sister. He could just make out her shining goo-covered glasses.

  “What’s going on?” she said. “I can’t see anything.”

  “What is this stuff?” said Mrs Postlethwaite.

  Christopher opened his mouth to tell her, but a giggle popped out instead.

  “What’s funny?” said him mum.

  Christopher tried again but it was no good, he was laughing too hard. Lauren heard his snickering in the darkness and soon her shoulders were shaking too.

  Mrs Postlethwaite looked down in bemusement.

  “Come on, what are you laughing at?”

  Neither Christopher nor Lauren could say anything anymore. They held their sides and laughed and laughed and laughed.

  “Everybody in one piece?” It was Mr Postlethwaite, calling through the darkness.

  “I think so…” Mrs Postlethwaite inspected her children. “Are you okay?”

  “I’ll live” said Christopher.

  “Just about…” added Lauren

  Mr Postlethwaite clattered into an upended chair. “I wish I could see where I was going.”

  And as if by his request, the laboratory was suddenly filled with a pale yellow light.

  All the Postlethwaites looked up and there, beyond the glass dome roof, in a gap between clouds, was the full moon.

  “Just look at that,” whispered Mrs Postlethwaite. “It’s quite a view.” She hugged her children a little closer.

  “It’s beautiful,” said Little Big Nose. He had wriggled free of the last strap and was sitting on the edge of the table.

  “Who said that?” whispered Mrs Postlethwaite.

  “A friend,” replied Christopher.

  He looked across at his sister, who smiled back at him.

  At first Christopher thought what he was seeing was just a trick of the light.

  Lauren had flecks of sparkling green in her hair.

  “What?” said Lauren seeing the expression on his face. “What is it?”

  “Did you put glitter on today or something?”

  “No” replied Lauren. She rubbed her glasses and peered closely at him. “Did you?”

  He glanced down at his hands and saw that he was sparkling too. He reached across and wiped a big lump of green glow from Lauren’s cheek.

  It squished between his fingers.

  “It’s the snot,” he said. “Something’s happening to the snot.”

  Christopher looked around the laboratory. Everything was aglow.

  A cloud skittered over the moon’s face and for a second the glowing stopped. Then the cloud blustered away and once again the laboratory was engulfed in the incredible green light.

  Christopher gazed around in wonder, a strange feeling washing over him.

  “Do you feel that?” he said to Lauren.

  His sister put her hand to her chest. “Yeah, I think so.”

  It felt like … she couldn’t quite name it. It was the feeling you get when a song sends shivers down your spine, or the feeling of seeing somebody you love after a long time, or when you look out on a night’s starry sky and you feel small and frightened but alive and excited all at the same moment. It was all these emotions and more. Her head and heart were awash with them.

  Little Big Nose tingled all over with the strange sensation. It felt completely new but familiar as well. As the feeling grew he knew what he had to do. He flared his nostrils and began to hum.

  Doctor Skinner couldn’t believe what he was seeing and feeling. He too, like everyone in the room, felt the strange delicious ache and it was too much for him. It had been so long since he’d felt anything but loneliness and anger. He buried his head in his hands and wept.

  Little Big Nose continued to hum as he sparkled in the moonlight. The song was his favourite of all slug tunes. It was a song that was used to call the herd together on happy occasions. It had a wonderful melody, filled with longing and hope.

  Beneath him things began to move. For a moment it seemed as if the floor itself was squirming and twitching.

  Glowing green fingers stretched, toes wriggled and a thousand tiny BUR
Ps puckered up.

  All the Postlethawites gasped as an eyeball rolled across the floor.

  Every specimen, in its own time and own way, began to creep towards the centre of the room. A foot dragged itself by its toes. Two ears flipped and popped across the tiles like jumping beans. A mouth wriggled along like a caterpillar and a hand raised itself onto its fingertips and crawled over to a leg of the dissection table.

  Using its BURPs the eyeball slurped itself onto the hand’s back and then, looking very similar to Scuttler, the hand and the eye made their way up to Little Big Nose.

  “What are they going to do to him?” said Lauren getting to her feet.

  Christopher looked at the nose, who still sat happily humming to himself and the specimens.

  “It’s okay.” He smiled at his sister and mother and then called over to his father. “It’s okay Dad, everything’s going to be just fine. Don’t do anything.”

  “This is a very odd day,” mumbled Mr Postlethwaite.

  Christopher just hoped he was right. He looked back to the table. Little Big Nose was surrounded by wriggling body parts.

  It was hard to see what was going on. The slug song floated through the air and was joined by the gentle squelching of countless BURPs.

  The specimens writhed and crawled around the nose, a mass of limbs and flesh.

  A swathe of clouds rushed across the sky and once again the laboratory was cast into darkness.

  Fathers and Sons

  Mr Postlethwaite lit the second candle and raised a warning finger toward Skinner.

  “Stay where you are!”

  The doctor shrunk back into his corner, his eyes never leaving the centre of the room.

  “I don’t believe it,” whispered Lauren.

  “It’s incredible,” said the doctor.

  Everybody looked toward the dissection table with quiet awe. None of the crawling specimens remained. In their place was a boy.

  Christopher’s heart hammered against his chest.

  “It can’t be…” he said as he took a few small steps toward the sleeping child.

  “Be careful…” said Mrs Postlethwaite.

  “It’s all right, Mum.” Christopher looked at the boy’s face. All in all a very normal looking face apart from the nose … that was rather large and was speckled by ginger freckles. “As I said … he’s a friend.”

  He leant down and whispered in the boy’s ear, “Little Big Nose … wake up … wake up.”

  The eyelids fluttered and then slowly opened. The boy gazed at Christopher with clever, gentle eyes.

  A huge grin spread across Christopher’s face.

  “How do you feel?” he asked.

  The boy thought for some time and then used his new voice for the first time.

  “Complete,” he said.

  Christopher watched his dad wrap his big coat around the boy, and once again felt the tender ache in his chest. He looked down at his hands, but the goo wasn’t glowing anymore. This feeling was his. It came straight from his heart.

  He shyly sidled up to his father. Mr Postlethwaite was kneeling down and using a hanky to clear the remaining snot from the boy’s face.

  “What happened here?” he asked the boy.

  Christopher rested his hand on his dad’s shoulder.

  “It’s a long story,” he said.

  Mr Postlethwaite turned to his son.

  “Hello, Chris…” He raised his hand to stroke Christopher’s cheek but then stopped himself. He glanced around distractedly and then returned his gaze to his son.

  “You know what?” he said. “I don’t care what happened.” He looked Christopher up and down. “All I care about is that you and your sister are safe… and that…” he stared deep into Christopher’s eyes. “And that we can be friends again…”

  Christopher looked down at his kneeling father and knew in an instant how much he had missed him in the last year. Tears welled in his eyes and he threw his arms around his dad. Mr Postlethwaite hugged Christopher tightly and rose to his feet, swinging the boy around him.

  “Whoa,” he said. “You’re not getting any lighter.” A single tear dropped down his cheek. “I was so worried. I’m so glad we found you.”

  “How did you find us?” asked Christopher as his dad put him down. “How did you know we were gone?”

  “I check on you most nights,” said Mrs Postlethwaite, who was busy hugging Lauren. “I wake up and can’t get back to sleep unless I know you’re safely tucked up in bed.”

  “And when your mum found your beds empty she phoned me…” said Mr Postlethwaite.

  “And the rest was easy,” added Mrs Postlethwaite.

  “We just followed your footprints,” said Mr Postlethwaite. “In the snow.”

  The boy on the table sneezed loudly and Christopher saw that he was shivering.

  Mr Postlethwaite walked over to the boy and with one brisk movement scooped him up into his arms.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here. This young lad needs a hot bath and a bowl of soup.” He shot a warning look at Doctor Skinner, who still lay sat crumpled and defeated in the corner.

  “And you!” he growled. “This should really be a matter for the police … but I have no idea what to tell them, and I doubt they’d believe a word of it.” He lowered his voice ominously. “But I’m telling you now … if you go anywhere near any of these children ever again…”

  Mrs Postlethwaite took his arm. “Come on, let’s go.”

  “Wait!” The boy sprung from Mr Postlethwaite’s arms and limped across the laboratory. “My friends…”

  He reached up onto a shelf and pulled down a jar. He inspected it closely and then for the first time, his eyes stung with tears.

  “They didn’t have any air” he said quietly to himself. Christopher walked across to his friend and rested his arm on his shoulder. The slugs lay in a lifeless pile.

  “Come on, Little Big Nose,” he said. “Let’s take you home.”

  “Erm … before you go. I was wondering…” Doctor Skinner stumbled awkwardly to his feet.

  Mr Postlethwaite stepped forward. “I’ve warned you.”

  The doctor held up his hands. “I want to help…” he said meekly. “Truly…” He looked to the boy and back at Mr Postlethwaite. “I would like to help.”

  Doctor Skinner smiled. It wasn’t his usual forty-tooth grin, but a shy helpless smile. He twiddled his twelve fingers and searched to find the right words.

  “Something happened …” he began. “Something happened … I felt it … we all saw it.” He gestured around the laboratory with his long arms.

  “Something happened … and I don’t know if it was science or … or … magic.” He winced at the word. “But I think I understand it.”

  He looked up to the night sky. A small break in the clouds was appearing.

  “Please,” said Doctor Skinner holding out his hand for the jar of slugs. “We have to be quick.”

  The doctor pulled out the last intact test tube of snot from the safety of his pocket. He unscrewed the cork and poured the contents over the lifeless slugs that now lay on the dissection table.

  “Now all we have to do is wait…”

  The gap in the clouds grew and the full moon peaked through. The slugs began to sparkle a rich damp green.

  Doctor Skinner’s eyes shone with the light of new discovery.

  “The full moon… “ he said eagerly. “The full moon was the missing ingredient.”

  The slugs’ antennae twitched to life and rose into the air like fresh spring shoots searching for the sun.

  The boy watched the waking slugs and the look of excitement on the doctor’s face.

  “A full moon’s child is touched by magic…” he said. “You said it was
magic.”

  The doctor’s cheeks flushed. “I said … I said … I didn’t know what it was…”

  He turned to look at the boy with searching eyes.

  “But whatever it was … it created something far more incredible than all my contraptions thrown together.”

  The boy returned the doctor’s serious gaze and then smiled. “It’s changed you,” he said, almost in a whisper.

  “Not changed,” said the doctor quietly. “Maybe … opened my eyes … it’s hard to describe … I felt things … things I haven’t felt for years.”

  “And what did you feel?”

  “Alone.”

  The boy stepped forward and rested a hand on the doctor’s arm.

  “If you like, I could come and visit you … keep you company.”

  “I would like that…” said Doctor Skinner.

  “I think you were right,” said the boy, “you are not my father.”

  Like eyelashes over a shining eye, the clouds once again swept across the moon.

  “But in time…” said the boy, “I think maybe you could be.”

  The New World

  “David … David!” Lauren waved and jumped in the snow. “Over here.”

  Christopher watched the dark-haired boy approaching and said the name to himself, under his breath.

  “David…” It was two weeks since that night at Doctor Skinner’s mansion. Little Big Nose, the boy, had renamed himself on the walk home. And yet Christopher still couldn’t quite get used to it.

  Lauren watched David approach and felt the familiar butterflies in her stomach. She decided she liked his eyes best of all. They were sky blue and old beyond their years. They were smart eyes, but soft too. Thoughtful. Second best was his nose. True, it was pretty big, but Lauren thought it made him look very serious and noble. Like a Shakespearean actor or a Greek God.

  He smiled at her and her freckled cheeks blushed.

  “Are you going to see your dad?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” said Christopher eagerly. “We’re going to make snow men. Well, to be exact … snow ogres.”