Broken

by Robin Nadler

  He nodded. “I understand. You be careful, too.”

  “Always. I’ll call you later on the new phone.”

  He hugged her and let her out, making sure she got to her car and then he locked everything up.

  “I’m sorry you have to go through so much trouble,” Lila’s voice startled him. He turned and saw her standing there, her clothes hanging off her.

  “Hey, you should sit down,” he walked over to her and she moved away slightly, hugging her arms in front of her.

  “I think I want to take a shower,” she said softly.

  He knew what she was feeling and it broke his heart. “You aren’t dirty, Lila.”

  She looked at him and her chocolate eyes were swimming. “I think maybe I am.”

  Shaking his head, he took her hand in his, pulling it away from her body. “You’re not.”

  “I just want to get cleaned up.”

  “How about a bath? I don’t want you to stand in the shower. You aren’t well yet and I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “I don’t want you in there with me, so just forget it. I’ll just wash up and go to bed,” she turned and went to walk away from him.

  “Lila, wait,” he began.

  “No, please David, don’t. I don’t want to talk about this with you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to deal with me like this,” she began to cry and he walked to face her, stopping her.

  “What do you mean? What am I dealing with?”

  “I just keep thinking about what Paul wanted from me. He said something that I can’t get out of my head and I know this is bringing up memories for you and I don’t want that. I don’t want you to look at me and ever think of what happened to you.”

  He smiled and cupped her face in his hands. “There is nothing about you that would ever remind me of what happened. The only thing you have ever made me feel is alive, Lila. I just want you to let me help you.” He felt her face and didn’t like the warmth.

  “I need to lie down. I’m really hot,” she said, sweating.

  He nodded and walked with her into the bedroom.

  “I’m going to change,” she said and went to walk when she stopped and looked at him. “I need some help,” she said before she passed out in his arms.

  “Shit,” he said and carried her to the bed, laying her down and grabbing the bag of clothes Carrie had brought. He pulled out a light nightgown and walked to her. “Lila?” he touched her cheek.

  She moved a little and her eyes fluttered open. “I’m hot,” she whispered.

  “I know. I’m going to help you put a nightgown on and then I’ll try some cool compresses to help you, okay?”

  “Thank you,” she said and looked at him.

  He exhaled, calming his nerves and he gently unbuttoned her top, handing her the nightgown to hold in front of her as he helped her sit up while he pulled the shirt off. He unhooked her bra and she pulled the gown over her head and covered her chest before she pulled the bra off and lay back.

  “I’m going to grab some cool washcloths, okay?”

  She nodded and when he walked out she pulled her pants off and lay back, exhausted from the effort. She was glad Carrie brought her sleeveless gown, just small straps.

  David walked back in and smiled at her. She looked beautiful, lying there, her hair a mess and beads of sweat on her face. He put the thermometer in her mouth and sat down, placing the bowl of cold water on the table and putting the washcloths in to soak. He took the thermometer out and put it down.

  “That good?” she smiled.

  He took a washcloth and squeezed it out. “It’s 102.”

  “It’s because I haven’t been resting like I should. Once I just sit still, it will go down,” she said. “Don’t worry.”

  “I’m not worried,” he said and placed the washcloth on her neck.

  “Oh, so you’re always this talkative?” she raised her eyebrows at him.

  He smiled, despite his obvious worry. “I just have a lot on my mind,” he took another washcloth and looked at her. “This should go on your inner thigh.”

  She nodded. “You can put it there; I kept my panties on.”

  He swallowed and picked up her gown, placing the cloth on her inner thigh and covering her back up.

  “Have you eaten all day?” She asked him softly.

  “I’m okay.”

  “So I’ll take that as a no?”

  He chuckled. “That’s a no.”

  “So you need to eat. Go make yourself something,” she said.

  “Now who’s being bossy,” he smiled.

  “I just don’t want you to sit here and stare at me like I’m going to die. It’s a little freaky.”

  “You’re not going to die,” he began.

  “I know; that’s why you need to stop looking at me like that.”

  He grinned. “Will you eat something with me?”

  “I’ll try,” she said.

  He stood up and looked at her shoulder, seeing the bruising there. He touched her shoulder. “Did he do that when he grabbed you?”

  She looked at him and nodded. “It’s okay.”

  He shook his head. “No it’s not.” He walked out.

  ******

  David walked out of the room and paced before he walked back and saw she had fallen asleep. He went into the kitchen and his heart was pounding. He was overwhelmed by his feelings and he was scared to death. He never let himself get so close to anyone, and he didn’t even know how he let himself fall so hard for her.

  He walked to the fridge and grabbed some jello and a couple of spoons and walked back to the room. He walked to the couch in the room and sat down, closing his eyes for what he thought was a minute, but when he looked at the clock again, it had been an hour. He walked to look at her and all he could think about was walking into the room and seeing Paul with his hands on her. He paced back to the couch as the thought of what Paul might have done was burning in his chest and David was steaming when Lila cried out in her sleep and sat up.

  “Hey,” he jumped up and ran to the bed, sitting down facing her. “Lila it’s okay.”

  She looked at him and nodded. “Right, sorry,” she wiped her eyes and lay back down.

  He ran his hand through his hair. “This is fucked up.”

  She sat up and looked at him. “Excuse me?”

  “This, you and me, I don’t even know what I’m doing.”

  She tried to figure him out. “Why are you so mad?”

  “I’m not mad, I just don’t understand what’s happening.”

  “David, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

  He turned and walked out of the bedroom, needing air or something.

  She got up and walked out, leaving the wet cloths behind. She followed him and watched him pacing in the room. She crossed her arms and was happy she felt cooler and stronger. “What is wrong with you? I don’t see why you’re here if I’m so horrible to be around. You can leave, David.”

  He was surprised she had followed him. “You aren’t horrible, Lila.”

  “Then why can’t you spend more than five minutes in a room with me? You act like you care and then you run. You say you want to help me, and then you get mad and walk away. I’m a big girl and I’ve been alone for a long time. I don’t need this. I can handle Paul without you and I can handle myself as well. I think you should leave.”

  Suddenly, the fear of being without her overpowered his anxiety and he crossed the room to her. “I don’t want to leave.”

  She shrugged. “Well I don’t understand what you want.”

  “Can I ask what you want?” He asked her; his close proximity was causing her cooled body to heat up. “You have never said what you feel about me being here or with you.”

  She walked to the couch and sat down and he followed. “I don’t know that I want to answer that. I don’t know what answer will make you happy.”

  “How about the truth?”

  “I’m glad you’re here.
I want you to be glad you’re here, too.”

  “I am glad to be here, and that’s what’s wrong. I can’t fall for you, Lila. I can’t lead you into something that can’t happen,” he said and she moved closer to him.

  “Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. I am not pressuring you and I have no expectations. I just want you to trust me and know that you aren’t alone. I don’t need you to do anything else.”

  He leaned in to her and stroked her cheek. His eyes were wide and she nodded. “It’s okay,” she whispered. He nodded and slowly brushed her lips with his before she reached up and pulled him to her, their lips opening and their tongues exploring each other. She wrapped her arms around him and moaned into his mouth as his hands ran up under her hair. He lay her back on the couch and she pulled him onto her, relishing the feel of his weight on her and just enjoying the kiss.

  “No, stop,” he murmured suddenly.

  She looked at him as he sat back. “What’s wrong?”

  “Me. I’m what’s wrong. My body is fucked up Lila. I look at you, so beautiful and perfect, and nothing happens. It’s sick and wrong and cruel,” he said in exasperation.

  She bit her lip and reached to take his hand. “David, will you let me try something?”

  He looked at her and sighed. “I don’t think there’s an ultra sound machine here.”

  She nodded. “That’s not what I had in mind.”

  “Oh,” he shrugged. “So what do you have in mind?”

  She took a deep breath and prayed this wouldn’t backfire.

  Chapter Thirty-Three:

  David walked into the family room area with a beer and some juice for Lila. He didn’t know what she was going to say, but he thought a beer might help. He handed her some juice and smiled as he sat down.

  “Thanks. I’m actually really thirsty, so that’s good, right?” Lila smiled, her eyes brighter than before.

  He smiled back. “That’s great.”

  She looked at him, took a drink and put the glass down. He took a long sip of his beer and put it down, too, looking at her.

  “Can I ask you something personal?” She questioned him softly.

  He chuckled. “Lila, you kind of know the most personal aspects of me already.”

  She grinned and shook her head. “No I don’t. I know the medical aspects you’ve told me about, but I want to know more.”

  “Okay, ask away.”

  “Have you ever made love to someone?”

  He didn’t understand. “I told you I’ve had sex before.”

  “That’s not what I asked.”

  He stood up, already uncomfortable. “I don’t need hearts and flowers, Lila, that never satisfied anyone.”

  “Come sit down please.”

  He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I never wanted to.”

  “That’s still not what I asked.”

  “Fine, no,” he said and sat back down.

  “So a connection with a woman, to you, has always been strictly physical.”

  “You say that like it’s wrong.”

  She smiled. “No, not at all, but David, there is so much more to being intimate with someone.”

  “So now someone like you is going to explain to me how to please a woman?”

  “Excuse me? Someone like me? What the hell does that mean?”

  He realized how that sounded and shook his head. “I just meant that you always told me how you didn’t date and weren’t interested. I have been with a lot of women, and I never had any complaints.”

  “Are you through?”

  He felt like a tool but he didn’t know why. “Yes.”

  “Let me clarify something. I don’t date any more, but I used to, and until you, I wasn’t interested. I am not a virgin, David, and I think someone like you could learn a thing or two from someone like me.”

  Her attitude excited him and he found himself relaxing more and more. “Is that right?”

  “Now will you have a conversation with me without being an ass?”

  He chuckled. “Sorry.”

  She grinned. “Now, tell me about the best kiss you ever had.”

  He blushed. “That’s easy. It was with you, in the rain.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Sure you do.”

  He shrugged. “I like you.”

  “You never kissed anyone you liked before?”

  “Lila, this feels like therapy.”

  “It’s not like that.” She moved closer to him and took his hand in hers. “I’m trying to show you what it means to connect to another person on more than a physical level. Intercourse is only one part of making love.”

  He looked into her eyes. “But it’s a fairly important part.”

  “I agree, sometimes, but making love to someone comes from a place in here,” she touched his chest, “and no where else.”

  “I don’t understand,” he whispered.

  She moved to his shirt and looked into his eyes. “Can I touch your chest?”

  He swallowed thickly and nodded.

  She unbuttoned the top few buttons and slid her hand inside his shirt, resting it on his warm skin. “What do you feel now?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you want me to stop?”

  “No.”

  She unbuttoned more and leaned in to kiss his chest, resting her cheek against his skin and wrapping her arms around him, inside his shirt. She could feel his heart pounding and she sat back, moving her hands up to his face. “Do you know what I feel when I touch you?”

  He shook his head, unable to speak.

  “I feel like someone finally gets me. I look into your eyes and I feel excitement and I wonder if maybe everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve suffered through, has been to bring us here.”

  “You get that from touching me?” he smiled, but her words hit hard.

  “I do.” She sat back and unbuttoned the top of her nightgown. “I want you to touch me.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said softly.

  “Why not? Are you not attracted to me?”

  “Just the opposite.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “I can’t make love to you, Lila.”

  She smiled. “Sure you can. You have already started. I am in no position physically to go any further right now. I am asking you to touch me, nothing more.”

  He took a deep breath and reached his fingers to her shoulder, running them down her arm and then back up to her neck. He moved down the slope of her chest to her cleavage and stopped.

  “Are you okay?” she asked him, praying he wouldn’t stop.

  “You asked me what I’m feeling,” he said haltingly.

  She nodded.

  “I feel like I want to hold you and kiss you and protect you. I feel like I want to tell you how beautiful you are and how your ability to call me out on my shit is incredibly attractive. I feel like when you look at me like that, you are seeing a part of me that has been hidden from everyone,” he said, his nerves dissipating.

  “Then do that. Hold me, kiss me, protect me and don’t think about anything else,” she said, her eyes wet.

  “But we are here for you to rest and get well. We haven’t even really discussed being together in any way and I don’t want you to do something because you are trying to help me,” he said and she pressed her mouth to him, silencing him. She crawled onto his lap and straddled him before looking into his eyes and running her fingers across his forehead.

  “David, we are both adults and if you’ve learned anything about me, it’s that I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I am relaxed and I am happy and those are the best things for me to feel in order to keep getting better.” She moved off of him and stood up. “I’m going to lie down in the bed and I would love for you to join me; hold me; kiss me and protect me.” She said softly before walking to the bedro
om. She changed into a tank top and pajama shorts and crawled into the big bed.

  David watched her go and he stood up and finished his beer. He wasn’t going to walk away from her. He pulled his shirt off and walked into the bedroom, seeing her lying on the bed, waiting for him. He pulled his pants off and stood there in his boxers.