by A. M. Brooks
Heat races in my veins, I can feel my cool slipping. I swallow down the pain and dryness in my throat. She’s right. And maybe this was something I knew all along, making it easier to put off this conversation. I just never imagined I would fall as hard as I did. “What do we do?”
Her breath shudders in her chest. “We part on good terms. I want good things for you, Kai. I want you to be safe. I believe in the goodness of Rogue, and I know it’s a noble cause. I just don’t know if it’s part of my future too.”
I suck in a breath, and look out at the water. Pain prickles behind my eyes, making them burn. It’s really going to end this way. We both stand in silence. Both of us are here, but our hearts are miles apart. “I’ll take you back.”
Oaklynn follows me to the car. We don’t speak, but she does let me hold her hand. I have so many things I want to say to her. So many promises I want to make, but I can’t get the words out. For the first time in my life, I can’t talk my way out of something. I can’t come up with the words or the actions to make everything okay. Matt’s house comes into view, and before I can even park in the driveway, she’s up and out of the seat. Oaklynn runs to the door, not looking back. I glance down at her seat, feeling my heart torn in pieces, because she left the roses too.
Oaklynn
“So you’re back in Minnesota now?” I ask, before pushing the speakerphone button.
“We just got back last night. I’m so tired.” Saylor’s voice bounces off the walls of my small New York studio apartment. I hear her yawn, and I have to hold back a chuckle.
“Tell Ciaran he can let you out of bed for a few hours. With that giant rock on your hand, he already gets to spend the rest of his life with you.”
She giggles, and I roll my eyes, even though she can’t see me. “Stop it. This was the longest we’ve been apart since he enlisted. And the farthest apart. I wanted to see him the minute I could.”
Being in a long-term relationship has done nothing but turn my best friend into the biggest romantic. Ciaran was in Japan for nine months and the minute he was back in the country, Saylor was meeting him in California, so they could fly home together. “Mmhm.” I joke, even though I’m happy for her. After everything Saylor has been through in her life, she deserves happiness.
“Speaking of wedding things though, my mom is pushing for information. When can we get together to discuss and start planning?”
“Your mom just had her own wedding a few years ago, I can’t imagine she’s already wanting to plan another,” I respond, not able to help the laugh that escapes this time.
“You think I’m romantic, my mom is ten times worse these days. I’m about ready to talk Ciaran into eloping in Vegas.” She groans.
I can’t picture Ciaran choosing anything like Vegas, though. Despite his secret profession, the guy is very public about his obsession with my best friend. “Yeah, good luck with that. I’m sure it’s just your mom’s pregnancy hormones. Maybe she’ll calm down after you give her something. Like a date maybe.”
Saylor blows out her breath. “Yeah, maybe. Thank God the baby’s due date is almost here. I love my mom, but she’s driving me nuts. I almost feel bad for my dad.”
“Eh, he knew what he was getting into this time,” I remind her, just picturing Jason shrugging and not caring at all. After their reunion four years ago, those two wasted no time getting back together and picking up where they left off all those years ago.
“True. Gross. I prefer not to think about it. Everyone is just giving them a wide berth these days,” Saylor explains.
“I take it Silas is adjusting okay with the idea of a new baby?”
“He was more excited about having another sibling than the actual wedding, I think.” Saylor laughs. “He had a million questions for my mom last night at dinner.”
I pause, the hand that had been stirring creamer into my coffee falters. “He’s back home too?”
Saylor clears her throat. “Just Silas and Ciaran. Kai has another week before he gets back. And, of course, Lux is still stationed in California for another six months.”
“That I knew,” I add, hating how my voice sounds shaky. Even after all these years, I still lose my breath whenever anyone mentions Kai. Back then, four years sounded eternally long, so much so that I didn’t think it possible for time to move so fast. In reality, four years have passed in the blink of an eye.
“I heard that.” Saylor cuts into my thoughts.
“What?”
“That sigh.” Saylor points out. “For someone who was so adamant that they could never keep up with Rogue life, you sure have kept yourself in the loop of things. Even I didn’t know Lux still had only six months left until Ci told me last night.”
“That’s because she’s like my sister,” I point out. “I talk to her more than you.”
“True. But every time I talk to you, you still know about Silas, Ciaran, Mila, Matt and Erika,” Saylor calls me out. I feel myself getting defensive even though she’s right.
“Only because you’re important to me, so naturally that means I care about your sister and your fiancé. And Lux is my foster sister so that means I care about Silas, who also happens to be your half-brother,” I point out. “Really, your family could be a Lifetime movie.”
Saylor laughs, and I think I’ve diverted her attention. I did make the decision not to be involved in Rogue, but I can’t help that my best friend is part of that business and so is my family. Everywhere I go, I hear about it, whether I want to or not. No one mentions him to me though. Except Saylor, because she’s a hopeless romantic.
“You haven’t dated anyone since you went back to New York,” she throws out.
“Not fair, I told you about my shitty luck,” I reply, defensively.
I have dated. I’ve tried anyway. Every guy I meet either ends up wanting to be only friends, or turns out to be a creep. Any guy who has made it past three dates and still seems interested suddenly ghosts me. Eventually, I took some time off from dating, just to enjoy life until I was ready again.
“Oh right,” Saylor says, and I can hear the slight sarcasm in her voice. “Shitty luck or maybe you just compare everyone to him.”
I can’t respond because I’m not sure if that’s true. After breaking up with Kai and escaping back to New York, I tried everything to mend my broken heart. I dated tall guys, short guys, blond guys, athletic guys and guys who would rather play video games, guys who I found at the library, artistic guys, the list went on and on, but none of them stuck.
To be fair, none of them made my heart race either. I didn’t hang on their every word or wait by my phone to see their numbers flash on the screen. Maybe because of Kai, or just maybe because he had been my first everything and trying to compare anyone to him was going to be impossible. At the rate I was going, while trying to move on, I was going to end up alone.
“You will not.” Saylor sighs dramatically into the phone. I hadn’t realized I’d said that out loud.
“You don’t know. It’s probably part of his plan.”
“Oak, the guys have been out of the country most of their time in the service. Most days, I can’t even get a call from Ciaran, let alone anything else.” Saylor laughs at me, but I shake my head vehemently.
“You have to admit it’s weird. One day the program I really wanted into was full, then the next, there’s magically an open spot. Or how about the apartment complex closest to my school just so happens to call me, asking if I want to rent from them.” I continue to list off all the things even as she keeps cackling. “Oh, oh, how about that summer internship! I applied four times and it wasn’t until I posted about it online that suddenly, suddenly, they had an extra spot, and out of everyone, they chose me!”
“Or,” Saylor argues, “maybe you are just that talented and smart that you were able to get in. You’ve kicked ass in all your studies and programs since you’ve been there. The University should be kissing the ground you walk on for how much publicity you brought them with y
our winning photo last year.”
She has a point. I bite my lip, considering her reasoning. I have been bringing them a lot of attention. And the guys have all been in and out of the country while stationed all over the world in the past four years. There is no way Kai could be keeping tabs on me or that he would want to do so. The broken look on his face the day I walked away from him still haunts me, even though it was the right thing to do. At least it had felt like it at the time. Still, sometimes I think I see him. I think I feel him wrapping his arms around me and whispering to me that I’m still his future. Then I wake up and hate myself all over again for being stuck in this wheel of doubt. Doubt that I made the right choice all those years ago. There were too many secrets, too much pain between us at the time, and we wanted two very different lives.
“Maybe,” I finally concede, letting out an exhale. “Well, I better get going, I have to finish this paper before I can go home for break.”
“Yuck,” Saylor groans, “I’m so happy to be done with school. Although working for Rogue isn’t exactly easy.”
“No, but you get to counsel kids who are going through traumatic events like you did,” I point out to her, reminding her where her passion really lies. “Plus, this is my last semester then I’ll be done too. That summer abroad was a great experience but it put me behind in credits.”
“You lived in Greece for a whole summer.” Saylor chuckles. “A couple credits and an extra semester is a worthy trade.”
“I miss you though.”
“I miss you too,” she responds, and I feel the distance between us.
I miss being across the city from her, rather than across the country. Many things have changed over the past few years, but I’m glad we’ve managed to make a long-distance friendship work. Saylor is the one who keeps me sane and who keeps me from falling into a pit of despair.
“Love you, Crazy.”
“Love you, Wild.”
We hang up and I stare at my phone for a long time after. My apartment feels empty, hollow, and I wonder for the hundredth time if I should suck it up and just get a roommate. At least it wouldn’t feel so quiet all the time. My hand skates up to my forehead, where a slight pressure is building. No, a roommate wouldn’t make sense. I graduate after this semester. I’ll have to find a job and relocate anyway.
My neck starts to tingle and an awareness sweeps down my back. I suck in a breath and count to ten, closing my eyes. This has been happening more and more lately. I feel as if I’m being watched. The presence feels so close at times, yet far away at others. I’ve tried to look for whoever it is. I’ve scanned the crowds and even hired someone to shadow me to see if someone was following me. It’s ridiculous. Now that I know Kai isn’t back yet, that rules him out. In some odd way, I felt comforted, thinking it was him. Now, I’ll have to tell my mom who, no doubt, will tell Matt. Then Rogue and Kai will know.
I blow out the same breath, feeling frustrated. The sensation is still there. Slowly, I move to my kitchen and start making dinner, keeping one hand close to my phone at all times. Only after I’ve cooked, forced myself to eat the entire meal, and cleaned up does the feeling finally go away. My body sags in relief and a sob forces its way up my throat. I grab for the phone, my fingers hovering over Saylor’s name, but then I hesitate. I can’t invite trouble to her either. I don’t even know if this feeling is real, if I really am in danger. I breathe deeply, in and out, until I’ve talked myself down, only then do I force my hand to drop the phone and step back. I have to stay strong and calm. My eyes dance around the empty space, noticing that nothing is out of place, and even my curtains are closed.
“I’m going crazy.” I laugh to myself, spinning around the room. Feeling frustrated and alone, I head to my room and climb into bed. This time, my finger hovers over another name, and my heart pounds in my chest, adrenaline climbing in my veins. It would be so easy to make the call...no. If I do then I’m saying there is a chance, when nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change.
Kai
When the light in her room goes out, I finally fall back into my chair and breathe easier. She’s onto me. I could tell in the stiff posture she had while eating dinner that she felt someone was watching her. I’m starting to feel like a stalker for how much I’ve been watching her lately. My time is running out though. Soon I have to be back in Minnesota. Ci and Si can only cover for me for so long before Matt will start asking questions. We were all discharged at the same time and I should have reported back this week. At the last minute, I decided I needed a quick trip to New York to check in on Oaklynn.
According to Reed, she was stable. Her housing was taken care of, and after this fall semester, she’s set to graduate. I probably should feel ashamed for what I’ve been doing, the strings I’ve pulled behind the scenes for her, but I don’t. Just because Oaklynn was able to shut off her feelings for me didn’t mean I was for her. I’d never been in love with someone before. The biggest thing I took away from that summer four years ago was finally understanding that when you love someone, you have to let them reach their dreams, even if that means letting them go. Time and distance have done nothing to stop me from wanting her. Every memory of her hums in my veins and lives under my skin.
I heard what she was telling me. I know I’m responsible for my part in all of the secrets and lies. I should have told her long before she found out, so I listened when she said she needed space. I backed off when she told me some fake-ass excuse about our lives going in two different directions. I let her walk away, knowing we both needed to heal. We both had things we had to do. That didn’t mean I stopped loving her. Thankfully, I had Reed around to help me keep tabs on her. After he graduated and turned eighteen, Reed left Minnesota. He decided not to work with Rogue and no one has really heard from him. I hunted him down out of pure determination and explained what I needed and why. I also made him a cash offer he couldn’t refuse. When Oaklynn ran into any obstacles, Reed was able to fix it, and I pushed however much money it cost me into his bank account when I was able. I didn’t stop her from dating, but I did have Reed vet the guys she chose. It killed me, but if that’s what she needed to feel like she was moving on, I was willing to let her try. And if Reed discovered something about them that was unacceptable to Rogue standards, he persuaded them to leave her alone entirely.
These past four years have been the quickest yet longest years of my life. A true paradox. I was busy. Being in the Marines made sure of that. I traveled the world, met many people, and learned everything Matt wanted me to learn. Even though my body and my mind were constantly working, it felt like my heart never found excitement or fulfillment in anything. I lived day-to-day for the job. Everyone else around me changed, and yet it felt like I was standing still.
Ciaran and Saylor got engaged. She finished her degree in counseling and was working on her license while interning under someone Erika recommended. She was on a crash course to being ready for her new position within Rogue.
Silas and Lux were doing the long-distance relationship thing, as both of them were in the Army. Lux still had half a year left before she would be joining Rogue as well. She was tough and I was interested to see her skillset.
My mom and Jack were busy with my sisters entering their last years of high school. They all kept me updated and I promised I would spend more time at home once I got back. Jack said he wanted to catch a football game, and I decided I would make it work to appease my mom. Being away from her gave me more perspective on my childhood and all the nightmares that accompanied it. If it made her happy, I would try to have more of a relationship with Jack. Hopefully then, he would see I was more my mom’s son than my biological father’s.
My friends were in love, and making big plans. I was all in for Rogue and couldn’t wait to tell Matt about our new ideas for the future. He, Jason, and the other guys have been busy rebuilding and renovating what they already had going for our operation. We learned the hard way that not all Rogue employees were as invested as we
had thought. Ciaran asked Matt how he was going to handle it and we were told not to worry about it. Our job was to focus on training and they would take care of cleaning up the past. A few people ended up in prison, but a few went missing. A few more ended up dead, within our city limits, with a note attached to them, which usually led to a file of all the misdeeds these people had done, which could have hurt Rogue. It never felt right to me, leaving with the serial killer still out playing around, but Matt told us he and Jason could handle it. Whoever it was, was still on our side.
As the next generation of Rogue, we were ready to take over. The DeMucci family stayed away from Rogue and had a solid two more years of running the East Coast until they were wiped out. Another crime family took over and history just kept repeating itself. As long as there was always a crime lord around, that meant continued business for Rogue. The same could be said for the amount of sex trafficking that seemed to increase each year. Matt and Jason kept us updated with the numbers, and it was sickening to see how high they were. The fact that we were able to save over ninety percent of them is the only thing that keeps me going.
The Connelys never rebuilt, and as far as Rogue knows, The Establishment met its bitter and final end a few months after my first deployment. Apparently, Nash had more ammunition under his belt than we knew about. By exposing certain higher-ups and broadcasting the blackmail of certain city officials, he was able to effectively remove every player and sick fuck, who was part of The Establishment, off the board. Some wound up dead and a few went to prison. Nash kept to his part of the bargain and we did ours. I only stepped foot into New York for one purpose, and she was currently fast asleep, dreaming of the eyes that are always on her. One of these days, I’m going to have to come clean. It’s almost time to head back and take over Rogue. Then phase two of my ‘get Oaklynn back’ plan can begin.
